The sound of guns...
The darkness...
The smoke...
Then, oblivion.

Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares.

Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered.

Looking outside my window,
I am writing my daily journal and poetry today...
To release all the pains and tensions from my past.

And I wrote..

December 18, 1980
Myshkin, Russia

My beloved,

Have you ever ask yourself...
What's your life purpose?
If..
Are you doing the right thing?
Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant?
Day dreaming into your own world?

Too much questions filled in your heart and mind.
Too much of everything that you don't want.
Too much!

To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me.
Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them.
Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories.
Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death.

Yes, I did face it all.
I cried hard.
After decades of those patterned memories...
This is the first time that I realized..
How I treated myself so badly.

And I really wanted to give back to myself.
By appreciating my past.

Appreciate yourself more...
Love yourself more...
And you will discover more...

I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past.

***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF***

My dearest self in the past...
I have been visiting you lately in a vast...
You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS,
You go out more, loving the sun and grasses,
Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above.

Joyous days, feet touching stones and green
Oh How glorious those days have been
Flowing like water in every storms within
And wind touches, caressing my skin
Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose".
A path full of journey and a dead rose

All those rise and fall, I am with you...
All those tears and laughter, I am with you..
I am always with you til the end of time

The Last Heiress of Oblonsky, Beatrix

Beatrix left the dining hall without even looking at me. 


I felt her heavy heart when leaving the table. 


"Your Majesty, I truly understand how we should follow the Royal Intermarriage. But don't I have the last say about my life? Oh I love Beatrix so much that I'm willing to give up my throne to Mikael. Even if it breaks my heart seeing you sad. Please hear my plea! Mother? All my life I have followed your orders and request. I'm hoping that at this time, you will respect my decision." I earnestly expressed my appeal. 


" And please let us go and enjoy our holiday! " I added. 


" Stefan... We do understand how you feel right now. We will try to negotiate with King Charles on his proposal. Our son, you know how we loved you so dearly, we do respect your decisions." Queen Evi said fervently. 


" Thank you mother... Thank you, Your Majesty! Please excuse me, I need to settle things with Beatrix. Thank you for the sumptuous dinner." I bow down and left the Pillared Hall. 


THE SEARCH