The sound of guns...
The darkness...
The smoke...
Then, oblivion.

Everyday, I am haunted by my nightmares.

Everytime the thunder roll and lightning strikes, I shivered.

Looking outside my window,
I am writing my daily journal and poetry today...
To release all the pains and tensions from my past.

And I wrote..

December 18, 1980
Myshkin, Russia

My beloved,

Have you ever ask yourself...
What's your life purpose?
If..
Are you doing the right thing?
Are you on the verge of confusion, loneliness, unhappiness and being stagnant?
Day dreaming into your own world?

Too much questions filled in your heart and mind.
Too much of everything that you don't want.
Too much!

To clear out my confusion and to have more clarity about myself, I dig deeper inside me.
Reminiscing my childhood moments and cherish them.
Facing the darkest and painful moments of my memories.
Those memories of repeating horror, memories of loss, memories of death.

Yes, I did face it all.
I cried hard.
After decades of those patterned memories...
This is the first time that I realized..
How I treated myself so badly.

And I really wanted to give back to myself.
By appreciating my past.

Appreciate yourself more...
Love yourself more...
And you will discover more...

I have discovered each words, all feelings, expression, harmony just fits well to take steps in writing this poem for my past.

***A LETTER FOR MY PAST SELF***

My dearest self in the past...
I have been visiting you lately in a vast...
You are carefree, immature and FEARLESS,
You go out more, loving the sun and grasses,
Full of sweat and sun-kissed from above.

Joyous days, feet touching stones and green
Oh How glorious those days have been
Flowing like water in every storms within
And wind touches, caressing my skin
Telling me, It's ok dear, everything has it's purpose".
A path full of journey and a dead rose

All those rise and fall, I am with you...
All those tears and laughter, I am with you..
I am always with you til the end of time

The Last Heiress of Oblonsky, Beatrix

When I opened the doors, Elsa immediately rushed into our chamber. 


"Your Highness! You have a telephone call that you need to take to the library" she said in urgency. 


"What's wrong Elsa? Who is on the phone?" I asked while feeling sore and lethargic. 


Stefan braces his arms around me for comfort and it helped my wobbly knees. 


"Please come quickly! King Sven is waiting for you both in the library" 


I do not have anyone else occupying my mind but Leonid. 


We swiftly walk down the hallway to the library in our sleeping wear. 


And we reached the library breathlessly. 


King Sven and Queen Evi are wearing their full dress and their eyes widen as they see us in our sleeping wear. 


I am wearing a ruffled lace satin lingerie nightgown and Stefan is wearing his striped pajamas. 


Then, their facial expressions change from shock to despondent. 


King Sven cleared his throat and started to spill the news. 


THE UNCERTAINTY