Chapter 3

Numb. That is the only word that can express how I felt over the last few weeks. I got up every morning, went to work, pushed throughout the day and went back home. I don't remember eating, taking any showers, watching the tv or answering the phone. I even forgot that I had a dog. For the first time in my life I wasn't living but only existing. No words can begin to describe what I have been going through in my head. I repeated the doctor's conversation continuously.

"What?" I squeaked out.

"Ms. Shawn, you're pregnant." she smiled.

I breath hitched in my throat and my eyes began to water. Dr. Charlton frowned in concern. "I take it this isn't what you wanted?"

"But....but I took the plan B pill."

"Ms. Shawn the plan B pill is almost always effective if you take it the right time. After 48 hours the risks of getting pregnant increases." My doctor went on and on about scheduling appointments for ultrasounds and prenatal care, but I just couldn't bring myself to pay attention. I walked out of that office even more numb than I was earlier. I was sick to my stomach. I was pregnant for a stranger. A human being is growing inside of me and I didn't know the face of the person who put it there. It wasn't for my amazing boyfriend, it was for some nameless man. The self loathing and pity was relentless. Some days I couldn't bring the tears to stop. My panic attacks were out of control and no one could bring me out of this flunk. It's been two weeks since I found out the dreadful news. I sat quietly behind my desk staring at the blank computer monitor with a blank expression. I played with my fingers roughly as I kept replaying the doctor's words.

"Ava!" I jumped instantly and looked towards Caleb who stood in front of my desk.

"Yes sir?" I asked standing from my chair. I smoothed my hands down my skirt nervously.

"I've been standing here calling your name for a while, are you okay?" He asked worried. His hazel eyes were full of concern and it made me feel worse.

"Um, yes sir, I'm okay." I said reluctantly, not believing my own words.

"Come here, step into my office." He said. I moved from my desk quickly and followed him inside his office, taking a seat on his couch slowly.

"Ava, I see you as a real asset to this company. You have helped me so much and got so much done in such a short period of time, I am beyond impressed. You are an obvious hard worker, but lately you have been out of it. You've been coming late, you always look restless, you're always blanked out like you're in a different world and you're not keeping up with deadlines. Ava this isn't like you." He said firmly.

I gulped. I felt horrible. I was so wrapped up in my own selfish world I neglected everything else. I worked my ass off to get this job and I am flushing my hard work down the drain because I can't leave my personal life at the door.

"I'm sorry Mr. Reynolds. I am so so sorry, I've been going through so much. You're right, this behaviour is not like me at all. I promise I won't let it happen again, it's so much going on and I know I could've handle things better." I rambled.

"Ava, calm down. I'm just worried about you. What has you so distracted if you don't mind me asking?" He asked. I sat silently for a few moments contemplating. I'm not even sure what I want to do at this point. I have been avoiding the word for so long that just thinking about it made me nauseous. I took a deep breath slowly.

"I'm....I'm pregnant." I mumbled.

Caleb eyes widened. "Oh! Well congratulations." He said smiling.

I didn't respond. "By the look of your face, I'm guessing it's not what you wanted?" He asked.

"Mr. Reyno...I mean Caleb. I... I never even wanted this now. This job is my dream, this happened at the worse time. I don't even know what to do. I'm so confused." My voice cracked.

"Relax Ava, take a breath. Having a baby is a beautiful thing, even if it may seem to be at the worse time." He said.

"Do you believe that a child can ruin your life?" I asked. He quickly shook his head.

"It may slow down your life a bit, but never ruin it. A child is not the end of your life, only the beginning of more." I tried my best to take in his words, but it was so hard.

Caleb stood from his desk with a sigh. "Ava, my mother always told me that everything happens for a reason, even mistakes. You can't beat yourself up about it. Embrace it and in doing that you'll know what to do next." he said.

I nodded gently. "Thank you. I promise to do better from now on, I won't let this happen again." I vowed.

Caleb nodded understanding. "Well now I have more understanding of what's going on, I get it."

"Thank you sir. Thank you so much."

"Not a problem, and stop calling me sir, I'm not that much older than you." He winked playfully and I smiled before I quickly left his office.

After work I drove to the one person I knew would tell me what to do, my mother.

"Hi sweetheart!" My mom yelled as I pulled up. She stood in a bright yellow dress, with a cup of tea in her hand while watering her plants with the other.

"Hi mom." I mumbled getting out of my car. My mother's house was a small split level home, consisting of only two bedrooms and two bathrooms. It was grey and black with a bit of white surrounding the windows. There are two things my mom prided herself on besides me and her cooking, her house and her garden. As a child we went through apartments like it was second nature. We moved a total of six times before my mom finally bought this house when I was thirteen years old. It was one of her greatest achievements because she did it all on her own.

"Hi, Ava bear. How are you?"

"I'm okay." I mumbled.

"Work must have kept you pretty busy, I barely heard from you lately." She said. I didn't respond as I watched her finish up her gardening.

"Come on, I was making some soup." She said. I followed her inside the house and into her kitchen. The kitchen is no doubt the biggest room in the house and it wasn't as big as you may think. It's enough room to satisfy her but I knew she'd love something bigger. Although the decor was nice I hated the yellow that adorned the cupboards and counter tops. I leaned against the refrigerator, the only thing white besides her stove, as she stirred her pot. She talked about her work, new recipes, and the work she needed done around the house. All the while I felt something cracking inside of me.

"What do you think honey?" She asked.

I didn't even know what she was talking about.

"Ava?" She turned to me in concern.

"Honey what is it?" She asked.

"Huh? Oh nothing mom." My mom moved to stand in front of me and I was able to see her more closer. Her blonde hair wasn't as blonde anymore as a few areas started to turn white. There was a light gold that circled her pale blue eyes making it that much prettier.

"Ava Cruzìa Shawn don't give me that. I know you and I know when something is wrong. Talk to me." She said firmly.

Just like that, the dam broke. I crumbled into her arms in despair. Sobbing uncontrollably, letting go of the pain I have been feeling for weeks. My mom held me tight in shock, and slowly dragged me into the living room. She held me close on the couch as the sobbing went on.

"My poor baby. What is it?" Mom whispered worried.

"I was so stupid momma. I made a mistake and I knew better."

"Ava, what are you talking about? What mistake?"

"I'm pregnant." I said. I felt her body went stiff as she put everything together. Royce has been gone since august, there's no way it's his.

"Start from the beginning." She said. So I did. I told her everything that happened from Seattle straight up to my talk with Caleb. It was hard to get the words out, but eventually my sobbing calmed. Mom sat quietly staring at me for a long while as she caressed my back and hair. I couldn't read her expression and it was driving me crazy.

"Momma, please, just say something." I said. She sighed softly.

"Ava, I'm very disappointed in you." She said. I hung my head further.

"I know mom, I made a stupid mistake." I said.

"Well yes, but I'm disappointed that you allowed yourself to suffer this long by yourself. Ava you know that no matter what, you can come to me. I'm your mother and no matter what mistakes you make, I will always love you." She said placing a loc of my hair behind my ear. I nodded feeling a bit better from her words.

"I'm sorry mom, I'm just so troubled, what should I do?" I asked.

"Honey I can't tell you what to do, but I can only offer some advice. First you need to decide if you want to keep the baby and then you have to decide what to tell Royce." She explained.

"I don't even know how. I can barely look at him let alone, speak to him." I mumbled.

"Have you looked for this man?" She asked.

"I haven't decided if I should yet, plus I don't have anything to go off of. Only his green eyes and a bit of his hair color which looked kind of red. Then there was the way he made me feel."

"So, you felt something for this stranger?" I nodded slowly.

"Ava, do you still see a future with Royce?"

"Of course I do! I don't want anyone else." I said.

"Then, you have to be honest with him and try to fix it. You know if you keep the baby the chances of him staying around drops drastically." She said.

"I know. Please, tell me what to do." I pleaded. Mom sighed gently, before standing and pulling me off the couch.

"Ava, go home, take a bath, drink some tea, listen to some music.You need to rest. You're falling apart and it's not healthy. The more you can relax, the clearer your thoughts will be. No matter what happens it's not the end of the world. We all make mistakes, but that doesn't mean our mistakes make us." She said.

I nodded slowly, taking in her words. She circled me in a gentle hug. A hug only a loving mother can give.

"You'll be okay honey. It may seem all cloudy now, but the right choice will reveal itself."

She said as she squeezed my cheeks gently. After the long talk with my mom I headed home feeling just a tad bit lighter. My entire life, it was just my mom and I. She was there every step of the way, taking care of me, feeding me delicious meals, nurturing me and loving me. My father was barely apart of my life. He was around when I was little but he was constantly on the go. One morning he left and never came back when I was about seven years old. He tried calling to stay in touch but that idea quickly sunk since haven't seen or heard from him since I was eleven years old. He never made an effort to know me as a teenager and as an adult, so I stopped trying to know him. I used to say my mom was all I needed, which was true, but I have to admit not having a relationship with my father was sometimes hard for me. How can you know you have a whole child in the world and don't take the time to be in their lives? Once I got home, I couldn't help but be thankful that I had saturday and sunday off, giving me some time to recollect myself. I was meeting with my doctor on monday to determine what I'd be doing moving forward. After feeding Spot, I ran some hot water in the tub, adding some of my soothing body wash. I went to the kitchen to start a pot of tea and took my phone and speakers in the bathroom. With my soft music, a hot bubble bath and a cup of tea in my hand, I relaxed in the bath. The smell of lavender from the bath and the peach flavor from my tea was so soothing. I allowed all the thoughts I swallowed down to finally surface. I am pregnant. The alcohol, the flirting and the kisses were all products of that awful night that lead to this. Sometimes my mind drifts to those fuzzy flashbacks no matter how much I try to shake it off. His piercing green eyes, his velvet voice and the way he discovered spots on my body that I never knew existed. It was a sickening mistake, but even I have to admit it was good. I don't know what came over me that night and why I didn't try harder to control myself, but what's done is done. I know how it feels to be raised thinking a parent didn't want me. To go through everyday wondering why I wasn't good enough for my dad. I don't want this child to think that way. I don't want to look back and think, I should've kept my baby. At the end of the day I have to own up to my mistake and take full responsibility. This baby didn't asked for this and neither did I. This baby is still mine and I can't ignore it anymore. My mind was made up. I woke up saturday morning with a loud banging at my door. I groaned rolling out of bed. The first night in weeks I slept and I have to get up early.

"What?" I mumbled pulling open the door.

"Have you forgotten that I exist? I haven't heard from you all week." Cat said entering the house.

I was still struggling to wipe the sleep from my eyes.

"Sorry, I was just distracted this week." I groaned.

"So distracted that you can't even pick up the phone? I mean I don't get it you..."

"I'm pregnant." I said cutting her off. I left her in the living room in shock and made my way to the kitchen to make some tea. There were dishes that were still in the sink and I frowned thinking about the clean up.

"What?! You can't just say something like that and walk away Ava!" Cat followed me into the kitchen.

"Well, I figured it'd be best to get it out in air early." I shrugged.

"Are you actually serious?" She asked.

"Yes, I found out 2 weeks ago."

"And I'm just finding out NOW?! Ava Cruzía Shawn have you lost your mind?!" Cat asked.

I poured the hot water into my glass and began stirring my tea slowly. I knew I should've ignored the door.

"Talk to me!" Cat whined. She stood in front me insistent.

"Cat come on, I'm just now wrapping my head around it. I wanted to be alone and away from everyone. I was literally forcing myself through work and I needed time." I said. Cat sighed and sat at the kitchen table.

"We tell each other everything Ava. The moment something happens in my life, you're are the first person I want to tell. Not my parents, you." I sighed before joining her at the table.

"Cat, this isn't exactly good news. I was scared and confused. I needed to work this out for myself." I said.

"I get it. So what are you going to do?" She asked.

"I'm going to keep it." I shrugged.

"Are you sure that's the right thing?"

"No, the right thing would've been to never slept with the guy." I mumbled.

"Ava..."

"Look. The circumstances are far from perfect Cat, but I can't just nip the pregnancy in the bud and pretend it didn't happened. You know my father wanted my mother to get rid of me and she said no. She kept me despite being a young mother with no job or a college education. My mother had so much against her, but she made it. She owned up to her mistake. I have to do the same." I said.

"Ava you're not your mother and your circumstances are a lot different. You have a boyfriend, you're living in his house, and pregnant with another man's baby. A man you don't even know. What if Royce leaves you or throws you out? Are you prepared for that?" She asked.

I gulped softly. I thought about it of course, it was very likely. Royce is not the type to let something this big slide, I have to be prepared if he decides to leave.

"This is still my baby Cat. I can't hurt it because of my own selfish needs or fear. I have to be honest with myself. I don't want to abort it." I said.

"Not being ready is not selfish Ava."

"It's not like I can't afford to take care of my child."

"I know, I only want you to make the best decision for you, because you're the one that's going to have to live with it." She said.

"I need to do this. I won't be able to go through an abortion."

"I told you that I would stand by your side no matter what and I will." She nodded. I smiled.

"Even if I'm being unreasonable?" I asked.

"Even then." She smiled.

"Good cause I need your support." I said.

"Oh now, you want your Catherine pooh there." She laughed.

"Seriously, can you come with me to the doctor on Monday? I have an appointment before work and I'm so nervous."

"Of course I can. I'll call in late." She agreed.

"I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Probably wash your own dishes." She said eyeing my kitchen. She got up from the table and began rearranging the dishes to clean.

"Yea, I definitely can't lose you." I said.

Monday morning Cat called in late, as promised, and held my hand to the doctor's office. Every woman in the office looked happy as they caressed their baby bumps, some were even with the father. I wish I could join in on their happy bubble, I felt miserable for weeks. "Are you okay?" Cat asked as my legs began to shake.

"I'm just really nervous. Can you distract me?" I asked.

"With what?"

"Anything." I pleaded.

"Okay, well Mr. Maycock asked me out a few days ago." She said. I laughed instantly. Mr. Maycock was an uptight, pimpled math teacher at the school. He was short and round with way to much gel holding up his hair. He has been eyeing Cat through those googles he calls glass for months.

"What did you say?" I asked. Cat turned to me with an incredulous look. "Are you sick?"

"You may like him." I giggled.

"Ava, I'm horny, not desperate."

Cat distracted me for a few moments until I was called into the back by a Nurse. The nerves kicked in again, but Cat never released my hand as we entered the doctor's office. My doctor stepped out while Cat helped me to changed and get more comfortable on the bed.

"Hello Ava." Dr. Charlton said.

"Hey Doc, this my best friend Catherine. Cat this is Dr.Charlton." I said. They quickly greeted each other.

"How are you today Ava?" She asked.

"I'll let you know when I can catch my breath." I said.

"You'll be just fine Ava. Every new mother goes through this."

"Well, things are a bit different for me." I said.

"You're still very much, a new mother. It's normal, trust me. Are you ready to begin?" I nodded slowly.

She moved to sit on a chair between my legs and I tried my best to ignore the feeling. "Nervous?" Cat asked.

"Understatement of the year." I mumbled. Dr. Charlton pulled the screen she was staring at closer to me.

"Okay, there is your little miracle." She said pointing at the screen. A strong thrum filled the room quickly. The beating was loud and fast. It took my breath away. My eyes watered as she looked at the baby's measurements. Looking at the little blimp and listening to my blimp's heart solidify my decision. I was in awe that I could love someone I've never met. I don't care how he or she got there or what will happen after he or she gets here. All I know was, I can't imagine ever hurting this baby.