Tired of It All

Later that evening, I clocked out from work but I didn't feel like heading home just yet.

I knew if I'd head home in this state, I'd just end up thinking about my sad, pathetic life all night long.

And again, either dad or Alec would notice. I don't want anyone to get worried over me.

I just need time to clear my head then I can head home.

I had like two cups of coffee before I left work. I don't know why, but I just kept drinking until I realized I had finished my second cup and almost getting a third.

Thankfully, I didn't mess up a single order nor did I get any complaints from my customers today. That would have totally worsened my mood.

I walk in the opposite direction of the bus station that leads to my street and just keep walking without a destination in mind.

Ian had once told me 'sometimes, it's good to sail off without a map.' I didn't get it back then but he also added, 'sailing off without a map can sometimes lead you to a greater destination. It can lead you to a place captivating and more intriguing than a desired destination.'

And that's what I'm going to do right now. I'm going to sail where ever and see where the sea takes me.

....

After God knows how long of walking, staring at nothing in particular, and crossing streets, I finally end up in an unknown side of the city. I've never been to this side of town because and it seemed busier. There were more people on the crosswalk and more cars on the road.

People walking in twos, threes, and in groups, making me very aware that I was alone.

I look around me. Shops were everywhere around. I sighted couples here and there, and in that instant, I hated them. I also noticed children running around in pure delight and I envied them because I was filled with sadness while they were running around in pure joy. And for that, I hated them.

I noticed a particular middle aged woman yelling at a young girl. The girl looks probably my age maybe a year older. The woman was seriously yelling at her. It seemed like the girl was at fault, but she didn't want to back down easily. I watched in awe as they both bantered forth and back.

I wonder if mom and I actually had a fight like that. I don't particular recall us fighting, then my mind wandered off to us we'd actually have a big fight later on, but right there, I remembered I don't have a mother anymore.

It took me a moment, and right on that spot, I burst into fits of laughter.

People suddenly turned their heads towards me. Some were looking at me with concern, some as if I had gone crazy, and some just stayed clear from me.

"Alex?"

I hear my name and my laughter stops I turn to see the person who knows me in this unknown area.

When I saw who it was, I suddenly had the urge to cry.

I didn't have the urge to cry when I woke up this morning. I didn't have the urge to cry when I got to work. I didn't have the urge to cry when I stood will day, or when I clocked out.

Hell, I even laughed just now when I remembered my mother was dead.

But seeing him standing in front of me, seeing him looking at me with uncertainty in his eyes, seeing him after it's been a while I've laid my eyes on him actually brought out all the pent up emotions I had inside.

"What are you doing here?" He asks.

I look around me, asking myself the same question, then I laughed again. "I don't know." I say in between laughter. "I seriously don't...." I trail off.

"Alex-"

"I got off work then the next thing I knew, I met myself here." I say and my laughter turns into sudden tears. "One minute I was there and now I'm here."

I cried like it was more than just getting lost.

"Are you okay?" He asks with worry in his voice.

I cried not because I was lost, not because I didn't have a mom anymore, not because I saw a mother and daughter fighting, not because of the nightmare. Nor is it because of the fact I stood all that. Not because of any of those.

I cried because I was actually tired of it all. I cried because I was sick of everything

I was sick of carrying this huge weight on my shoulders. I was tired of thinking it's because of me he died. I was tired of thinking I was good enough to save person, I was tired of all the nightmares I had, of all the night terrors I had. Of all the fake smiles I had to put on each day, I was tired of acting tough and strong like nothing of it affected me when deep down I was torn. I'm just tired of it all.

So, I let it all out.

Harper walks to my side, puts his hand around my shoulder, pulls me close to him, and starts walking. Without saying anything, he walks me away from the crowd. Away from the stares, the noise, and away from the strange and foreign place.

I don't know where he led me to because I was crying the whole time, but eventually, he sits me down in a quiet place.

After some time, my tears dried out and then I just stared in front of me looking at nothing in particular.

Harper didn't say a word and I was grateful. He was sitted beside me but he didn't say anything. He didn't ask questions, or give me judgemental looks or actually walk away. He just sat beside me starting into space like I did, giving me a comforting silence I didn't know I actually needed.

"I'm sorry." I finally speak up and clear my throat. "That was one of the nervous breakdown I usually have."

"Wanna talk about it?" He asks solemnly without looking at me.

I look down at my hands. "It's fine." I respond. "It's nothing serious."

Now that's a very big lie.

He sighs and opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.

"I have to get home." I say looking around. "It seems pretty late and I don't want my dad to start getting worried." I add as I was starting to get aware of my surroundings.

It was pretty late already. I was sitted on a bench in a silent street with lamp posts here and there.

"Where am I?" I ask.

"My street."

I turn to him. "Your street?"

He nods. "Yeah. My house is like four houses up there." He nods to his left and I stare at where he nods at.

"Want me to get you a cab?" He asks when neither of us speaks for a moment.

"Yeah. Thanks." I say and stand up.

But that was a grave mistake.

Everywhere suddenly felt unbalanced and dizzy. My vision got blurred for a moment and it felt like the paved street shifted me from one side to another.

"You okay?" Matt Harper asks me as he's already at my side.

"Yeah." I shake my head to clear the feeling. "Just dizzy."

"You sure?" He asks and I nod. "You had dinner yet?" He asks again and I shake my head.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Last night."

Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

His eyes widen immediately. "Are you crazy?!" He shouts and I suddenly feel a rush of headache.

"But I had coffee." I say to defend myself but that only made him shout more.

"That's even worse on an empty stomach!"

"I didn't know." I mutter.

"It's not like you're stupid."

I roll my eyes and remove my hand from his hold. "Gee, thanks."

I say and start walking away from

him, but I don't make it far when another wave of dizziness hits me. This time stronger and harder.

It all happened in a second, my legs gave out and I dropped to the ground.