Episode 21 - The Truth

Amari followed Yangyang submissively out of The Basement and up the stairs. It was early in the morning and the street was quiet, with only a few street lamps and security lights shining in the dark, and a thin layer of snow crunched under them as they walked. Yangyang stopped, back against the brick wall of the apartment, so Amari leaned next to him, head hanging low. He held out a hand, but nothing landed, the brief flurry already over.

There was silence for a moment, then the man chuckled. "You can stop looking so dejected. I'm not going to scold you."

"Then what do you wanna say to me?"

He was frowning, but he didn't mean to sound so cold and defensive. Ziggy was right. It was best to just have the conversation and get it over with. That didn't mean he actually wanted things to end, though.

"Why have you been ignoring me?" The question was blunt and caught him off-guard. There was no choice except to answer honestly.

He leaned his head back against the wall. "I was embarrassed. And scared... I can't hide anything from you, and that scares me. It's easier to avoid you, until I can figure things out."

"Figure what out?" The man's voice was quiet and softer than normal.

"How to have more control, I guess." Amari sighed, a feeling of defeat washing over him. "But, I think that's not possible, which'll just make things uncomfortable for both of us. So now's probably a good time to go our separate ways."

Yangyang shifted and in an instant he was in front of him, too close, a hand slamming into the brick near his head. It made him jump, and in the cold, he could feel the man's warm breath on his face.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" There was that anger, his voice deeper than usual. "Why would you say that?"

Amari could feel himself growing irritated as well. "Why're you so angry? I don't think these feelings are gonna go away, so isn't it better to end this now, instead of letting it get worse?"

"Why would it get worse? You really don't trust me at all?" Yangyang's voice was still loud, but the anger was replaced with something else, almost as if he was hurt by those words.

"What? Why do you sound like...?" He hesitated in confusion. "I just heard you inside. You said you didn't have those intentions."

"Ah. Hah." Yangyang's head dropped, and he could feel the man's hair brush against him as he laughed. Then his warmth was against his face again. "If you could see my expression, you wouldn't think that."

A knot formed in Amari's stomach and he took a breath. "What's your expression say?"

"That I'm tired of holding back, and I really just want to kiss you right now." The tip of Yangyang's nose was close enough to skim over his and Amari instinctively jerked his head away.

"Wait, what?" He pushed against the man's shoulders, trying to create more space between them. "Then you..."

"Yeah," the man said softly, the kindness back, layered with something else - something sweeter. "Xiǎo Li, you really aren't very smart. How could you have no clue?"

"But, when I told you I liked men, and you had that reaction..." His brain was panicking, trying to run through the moments they spent together and find what he was missing.

"I said it like that because I realized you were interested in me." Yangyang laughed again. "This whole time I was flirting with you, and you were flirting with me, but you thought I didn't like men?"

"I wasn't flirting!" He warmed until he couldn't feel the winter air and turned away.

"Ziggy insists you're hard to read, but look at you." Cupping his red cheek with a palm, the man's hand was large against his face. "You're so obvious."

"Fuck off," he growled in embarrassment, pulling himself away from the touch. He cursed himself for his complete lack of control, easily manipulated by the teasing. "It isn't fair. I can't see your expressions, but you keep mocking me for mine."

"You're right." Yangyang removed his hand from the wall but didn't back away. "But you're so cute. I can't help it."

With a frown, Amari kept an arm out to distance himself. "Okay, then, what'd you mean when you told Ziggy you didn't have those intentions?"

"He was worried I wasn't serious. That I was going to lead you on and leave you." Yangyang gently moved the boy's weak barrier away and took a step closer. "But I'm very serious."

Amari tensed, his heartrate increasing, and he pushed himself into the wall as far as he could.

"You apparently didn't hear the beginning of our conversation, when I was worried I'd done something to scare you away, and I didn't know how to fix it."

::He'll tell you if you ask.::

Another step forward and he was as close as he could be without sharing the same space. A wave of fear washed over Amari, followed by another of desperation.

"I didn't want you to run away, so I didn't say anything." His voice was calm and firm. "But I'm done with that now. So, if there are things you don't want to tell me, you're responsible for keeping them to yourself."

Amari took a short breath. "I... I don't think I can do that."

"That's alright too."

There was a long pause and Amari's eyes followed the outline of Yangyang's face the best he could in the dim light shining down from the building.

"So..." That deep voice seemed thicker now, laced with something he hadn't heard before.

Taking his hand, the man placed it gently on his cheek, and Amari moved his fingers up slowly. He ran them over Yangyang's prominent forehead, smoothing over his thick, angled brow, and traced the strong, high bridge of his nose down to its round tip and wide nostrils. He used multiple fingers to feel his eyelid and cheekbone, high set on his face, then down to his jawline, wide and defined, finally following the light scruff to his chin.

The skin under his fingertips was soft, but the image in his mind was strong. Like the man's voice, it made him feel comfortable. Safe. And that made him uneasy.

After a pause, Amari moved his finger to Yangyang's lips, but a hand stopped him, grabbing his wrist and yanking his arm away.

"Are you trying to drive me crazy right now?"

"I just want to know what you look like."

"There are other ways."

Yangyang leaned down, wrapping a hand behind the boy's head. Just the thumb was enough to cradle his jaw and he was pulled up onto his toes. Draping his arms around the man's neck, Amari felt another hand press into the small of his back, bringing their bodies together. A lip slightly larger than his own opened his mouth.

Taking a short breath in through his nose as they locked together, Amari tightened his grip. The sweet smell of Yangyang's sweat mixed with the faint sandalwood, flooding into his head, and he could taste warm liquor barely covering something else, something unique only to this man. His breathing quickened as Yangyang bit at his lip, then invaded forcefully with his tongue. The change in rhythm only fueled the desperation, and the boy pushed himself closer, finding a new side to the usually kind and gentle man.

"Hah..." Yangyang pulled away to take a breath. "You taste like pumpkin and cinnamon."

Amari made a small noise to confirm and forced the man back in. His insecurities had told him to slow down and gain control, but all he wanted in this moment was to satisfy months of suppressed desire. It didn't matter how he struggled. This man always made him lose himself. He hated feeling vulnerable, yet that was all he could be around Yangyang.

Time stopped as they stood, breaths heavy, pressed together against the wall and oblivious to the cold, until a distant cough broke into their world.

"C'est adorable, really, but maybe not the most appropriate location, hein?" The voice was as sweet and playful as ever.

They separated, filling strained lungs with air, and Amari hung his head, resting it against Yangyang's chest. Part of him was glad to be interrupted. Had they stayed that way any longer, the man would have felt more than his lips, tongue, and hands.

"How long've you been standing there?"

"Long enough for you to feel embarrassed," said his friend with a chuckle.