Episode 25 - Hiding Himself

The band took over as Amari finished singing, then it was just the violin and piano. He remembered Yangyang had said he was a music major, but how could someone be so talented at so many different instruments? The crowd had grown as they played and there were louder cheers.

"You should give everyone a bow," said Yangyang softly behind him, placing a hand on his back.

"How'd you know I'd sing the 10,000 Maniacs' version?"

"The intro is a little different, isn't it?" The man chuckled, his deep voice a little brighter. "And of course that would be the version you'd want to sing. Now give a bow."

He lowered his head as Yangyang thanked Ren and the others for letting him play, then there was an arm around his shoulders, leading him backstage.

"Come with me while I grab my guitar out of storage." The arm lifted and the man walked ahead. "I left it here last night, since I was coming back."

Amari stopped short. "I didn't know you played violin. What else do you play?"

"Guitar, piano, and violin are my best instruments," Yangyang muttered, more focused on finding his guitar. "But I can play drums and a little bass. And the guqin and erhu. Though it's been years since I've played those, so I'm probably rusty."

The words were so casual, Amari felt the urge to kick him. He wanted to ask why he dropped out of college, but recalled the "everyone has their own path" conversation and decided to save that question for a later date. "You're so talented."

He said it seriously but Yangyang laughed like it was a joke. "Do you think so? Not really. I was raised in a strict Chinese family and had to follow strict Chinese stereotypes. So piano and violin were a must. Jiě can play them too." He rummaged around a little more, then hummed as he thought, backing closer to Amari. "Not here. Do you think Ziggy moved it?"

"Maybe he didn't want the crew to get to it." Reaching out toward Yangyang's arm, he ran his fingers down to grab his hand. "It's probably in the back room. That's always locked."

He pulled him down the hallway toward the back stairwell and the man let out another light hum. "This is where I came to talk on the phone."

"Yeah. There's a small room across from the stairs." Taking out his keys, Amari unlocked the door and stepped into the darkness. "The light switch is on the left."

He heard the door shut and then in the dark, two arms circled his waist and Yangyang hung over his shoulder.

"Let's just leave it like this for a minute." They were both quiet for a few moments until the man lifted his head. "What was with that song choice?"

"It just seemed to fit what I was feeling."

Yangyang kissed his neck gently, then his shoulder. "Yeah, that was clear." His voice was deep, but breathy, and he pulled Amari closer to him. He kissed him on the neck again, then hung his head back down. "But why did it make me feel bad? Like you think I'm just playing with you."

"It feels like you are." Amari kept the swirling emotions pushed down, and it made him sound cold.

"What? Why would you think that?"

"You touch, you're affectionate, but then you panic when Jen shows up?" Yangyang tensed behind him. "And now we're hiding in the storage room, in the dark. You wanna fool around, but don't wanna be seen with me. Maybe you're ashamed of me?"

"Of course I'm not ashamed!" The amount of hurt in his response hit Amari hard and he instantly felt guilty for saying it. The man spun him around and hugged him. "It's just... I just thought maybe it would be awkward for you. At work." He swallowed and Amari could tell from his tone he was lying. "You're barely comfortable with me being clingy when it's just us. How would you feel when there are other people around?"

"Liar. I don't give a shit what other people think, and you know that." Amari could feel heavy breathing against his neck and a nervous pounding against his chest. "And sometimes I'm shy, but I'm never uncomfortable with you."

"Yeah, but..." Yangyang trailed off, tightening his embrace, not able to think of anything else to say. There were a few moments of silence until Amari let out a sigh.

"Oh..."

He understood now. The hiding, the panic in his tone, the fast heartrate. It had been so long for him, he hadn't recognized it.

"No one knows, do they? You haven't told anyone." Yangyang's face pressed into his shoulder and he finally hugged him back. "You should've just said that. Are you acting embarrassed right now?"

The man shook his head, not raising it. "I'm not acting. I'm so much older than you... I'm completely embarrassed." His voice was muffled against Amari's skin and the boy could only giggle. "This really isn't funny."

"It kinda is, though?" Amari pushed the man away, forcing him to raise his head. "I feel like you've regressed since last night. When'd you get so childish?"

"I was pretending. I think you were always the mature one." There was a long sigh, the secret revealed, as if Yangyang believed he could actually keep something like this hidden. "Are you alright with this?"

"With having a secret relationship?" Amari firmly shook his head. "No, not really. I'd prefer to be open about it. Then you can be clingy all the time." He ran his fingers through the man's soft hair. "But, I understand. I'd never force you to do something you aren't ready to do."

Yangyang squeezed him tightly, this time almost lifting him off the floor.

"Thanks," he said, his voice almost at a whisper. "It's just, I come from a traditional Chinese family and this is not something they will easily accept. Especially my mother."

Amari wrapped his arms around Yangyang's waist and rubbed his back. "You've gotta tell her eventually, though."

"Yeah. I'm not ready for that yet."

The boy didn't say anything else, not wanting to push the issue. They had only admitted their feelings a night ago and at least now there was a reason for the man's behavior. He was happy to take it slow, even if Yangyang seemed determined to be all over him.

"You should turn the light on and find your guitar. Just standing here together in a dark closet isn't something two casual friends do."

Yangyang kissed Amari's shoulder, then neck, then gave him a deep kiss on the lips before releasing his grasp.

"Yeah." He walked over and hit the light switch. "Ah, it's right here."

Grabbing the guitar, he opened the door and reached for Amari's hand to lead him out, but the boy refused his grasp and pushed him gently into the hall.

"You should bring that to the greenroom," he said as he closed the door behind him. "I'll lock up, and then check if Ziggy needs anything."

"You're mad." The man sounded dejected and Amari wondered if he would be able to withstand this childish side.

"Is anyone around?" Yangyang checked but there wasn't, so he ran his fingers down an arm to grab his hand, giving it a long squeeze. "I'm not mad. I'm trying to be the mature one."

He let go and gestured for him to leave. After a few moments of hesitation and a sigh, Yangyang walked down the hall to the greenroom while Amari headed back out to the bar. He let out a quiet huff on the way. Maybe he was a little mad.

"Where have you been mon chéri?" Ziggy's sweet voice was loud and he guessed his friend had already downed multiple shots of liquor.

"I'm not your chéri." Joining him behind the bar, the alcohol was obvious on his breath. "Uh, you smell awful. It's only the second person on stage and you've already had this much to drink?"

He gestured over the counter at Nicky. "How could you let him drink so much?" The man said nothing and just turned in his seat, ignoring them.

"Ah, oui, you're right," said Ziggy, absentmindedly petting his curly frohawk. "Scotty is in love with someone else and has left me behind..."

Amari slapped a hand over where he thought his friend's mouth would be, but the palm hit his eyes and the bridge of his nose.

"Ayoye! Sacrament!" The boy quickly pulled his hand back and sighed. "What is the matter with you?"

"Nothing. Sorry." He felt around for a stool and sat, dropping his head onto the counter. "Hey Zig. Don't say anything about me and Yang ge, okay?"

"Quoi? Pourquoi? You don't want people to know?"

"Not me. Him." He groaned, the frustration growing, and rested his chin in his hands. "He's not out, and something about his family, and... Just keep it to yourself, okay?"

"Oui, okay..." His friend sounded annoyed and uneasy. "But if he is just stringing my Scotty along for fun, je vais le tuer..."

He smiled at the man's serious tone and waved a hand. "It's okay. You're not killing anyone. Not everyone can be as free and open as us, tsé?" Ziggy gave his back a pat and he sighed. "Am I getting involved in something I shouldn't? Maybe this's too much, too fast."

"Look at you being introspective." His friend chuckled lightly, his tone more reassuring now. "I've known Yangyang for years, and he really is a nice guy, but he isn't perfect. Everybody has issues they have to work through, tsé?"

"Yeah." Amari sat up and scratched the side of his head. "I shouldn't worry about things that haven't happened yet."

"You're a good kid, Scotty. And if Yangyang does anything to hurt you, I will make him regret it, hein?"

"Such an overprotective father."

"Mets-en! No one fucks around with my Scotty."

A customer called Ziggy over and Amari shifted his stool into the corner to listen to the performers. Through most of open mic, his mind continued to drift to Yangyang and the little, nervous knot in his stomach, but by the time the last person sang and open band began, he had pushed the feeling away and was left only enjoying the music.