Episode 26 - Incognito

"C'mon, or you'll miss the last regular train."

Amari waited impatiently by the stage as Yangyang packed away his guitar. Everyone else had already cleared out, but the man stayed behind, back to clinging now that no one was around.

"I know you don't work in the morning, but you should still get some sleep." Yangyang pulled the guitar case onto his back, then collapsed onto Amari, arms hanging over the boy's shoulders. "Shit, you're so heavy."

"I could just sleep here," the man mumbled, leaning down so the two were cheek to cheek.

Grabbing the man's arms, Amari began dragging his large body to the exit. Ziggy was behind the bar, chatting with Nicky, and chuckled at the pair.

"Coudon, Yangyang, you better watch yourself," he teased in his sweet voice. "My Scotty gets annoyed easily, hein? He likes you now, but at this rate..."

Yangyang stood and firmly grabbed Amari's hand, not waiting for Ziggy to finish. "Let's go. I need to catch the train."

The boy giggled and waved at his friend as he was pulled out. Once they were in the cold, Yangyang took their hands and put them into his coat pocket, squeezing tightly.

"Ahhhh..." Amari sighed out loudly. "I wish I could walk hand in hand with Yang ge and show him off to everyone..."

He trailed off and when there was no reaction from the man, he reached over, running a hand along Yangyang's back until he found his hood, lifting it to cover his head. Then he raised his own and used his free hand to grab Yangyang's arm, pulling himself closer and resting his cheek on the man's shoulder.

"There. That's better. I usually wear sunglasses, but maybe we should start wearing face masks? We can pretend we're famous."

"I'm sorry... I told you I was a coward." His deep voice was filled with shame and Amari felt his heart clench.

"What? No. I was just teasing, but I shouldn't've." He tightened his hold on the man. "This doesn't make you a coward. It isn't easy for anyone. My situation was different from yours, but sometimes I regret not being more secretive. There's nothing wrong with struggling over this."

"What was your situation?"

"Huh?"

He lifted his head to look toward Yangyang, even though he couldn't see his face, and the man gripped the hand in his pocket. "You don't have to answer, but I said I was going to start asking."

Amari rested his head back on the broad shoulder. "It was pretty typical. I knew early. Middle school, I guess? There was a boy in junior high I had a crush on. We fooled around, nothing big, but we got caught kissing at school. Word spread and he got scared. And that was that. He played it off as experimenting and went back to girls, but I came out."

"My family didn't accept it, some of my friends didn't accept it, and it was awkward for a while." He kept his tone casual, and saying it out loud, he realized the memories didn't hurt much anymore. "It didn't make home life better, but I already had a reputation at school, so there wasn't much change there."

Yangyang sighed. "I kind of envy you." There was a sadness in his voice that made Amari's guilt grow. "I wonder what would have happened if I realized sooner. Or if it would be easier now if I'd said something."

Amari's life had been strange enough that his sexuality was the least of his worries. He also never really had anyone to disappoint. Or more truthfully, he had been disappointing people since he was young. But, as Cate said, Yangyang was a good kid, and he had a family and friends. Amari couldn't imagine how difficult this must be for him.

"I think..." He paused, collecting his thoughts, then smiled softly. "Our experiences make us who we are. If there's anything you're happy with in your current life, you shouldn't regret the past. Good or bad, it shaped you, and changing it means changing the happy things you've got now."

Yangyang stopped walking and the boy was suddenly yanked back. "You really are the mature one."

The man chuckled, reaching out to pull Amari's chin up as he leaned down to kiss him. It was soft at first, then a tongue gently opened the boy's mouth and hands guided him back against the nearest building. For the next few minutes, they stayed pressed together against the wall, their hoods enclosing them in a warm, steamy cocoon, as if the rest of the world didn't exist.

Finally, Yangyang moved his face away, letting out a few quick breaths. "Sorry," he said quietly, laying Amari's head on his shoulder. "I can't help it when you smile and say things like that."

Amari smiled again, pushing himself into the man's warm chest. "That isn't something to be sorry for."

"Ah, I really am going to miss the train like this," said Yangyang with a laugh. "Come on."

He grabbed the boy's hand and put it back into his pocket, dragging him down the sidewalk. After a few steps, he took a breath. "You said you sometimes regret. Does that mean you aren't happy now?"

"Regret probably wasn't the right word..." Amari scratched at his head. "After my mom died, I was mainly raised by my grandmother, then put into her custody when I started high school. She was pretty religious, and it really hurt her when she found out."

He sighed remembering it – the woman's wide eyes, and the look of complete betrayal and humiliation on her face. It was one of few images that was still clear in his mind. He had been cold and stubborn enough to not let her reaction sway him, and it still didn't bother him much now, but it severed the last connection he had to family.

"I'm not sure it would've been different if I'd told her myself, but we didn't talk much after that. When I was sixteen, I dropped out and ran away. We haven't spoken since. It's just too bad it ended like that, I guess."

Only after speaking did he realize how many pieces of his life he had given away, but Yangyang only squeezed his hand gently.

"That is sad. To lose a relationship that way." The man's voice was back to normal - deep and kind - always comforting when Amari needed it.

There were an awkward few moments of silence. They were close to the subway station, but Amari didn't want Yangyang to leave without clearing the uncomfortable tension he had created.

"Oh. You said we're going on a date tomorrow." He kept his tone light, trying to change the mood. "We never talked about it. Where're we going?"

"Ah, yeah." The man let out his thoughtful hum and Amari smiled. "What's your favorite place? If it's somewhere we can go, we should go there."

"My favorite place?" He scratched at the side of his head. "How about walking the High Line? That's one of my favorite things."

"Yeah? I like the High Line, but why is it your favorite?"

"It's high above the street, so the air's cleaner, and it's winter now, but in spring and summer it's filled with the smell of trees and flowers." Thinking about it made him smile. "Plus, the view's the best. I can only tell light from dark, so the tops of buildings against a sunny sky's easier to see."

He closed his eyes, trying to picture the last time he went. "There are some twists and turns, so it isn't the easiest to walk, but it's worth the hassle. I haven't been in a while."

"Then that's what we'll do." Yangyang sounded cheerful again, his tone soft and sweet. "We can stop at Chelsea Market and grab some lunch."

"It's usually crowded there though..." Imagining himself jostling around with all those people, trying to fit through the small restaurants and shops, made Amari shudder.

The man pulled his hand out of his pocket and kissed it gently. "But now you'll have me."

"Yeah." He shifted a little closer to Yangyang's side. "Call me in the morning then?"

"Of course." They reached the subway and the grip on his hand was gone. "We wouldn't want you to waste the day by oversleeping." The man leaned down and gave him a long kiss. "Be safe going back."

"Yeah, okay."

Amari raised a hand as Yangyang rushed across the road and disappeared completely into the station, then he turned and headed back, content as he shivered in the cold.