Episode 36 - Deserve to Know

Trigger/Content Warning: child abuse, implied sexual abuse

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December went by quickly, and in the blink of an eye, it was a new year. Amari and Yangyang worked when they could and though neither really celebrated Christmas, Yangyang still had to spend the holidays with his family, which meant their relationship was mostly made up of short moments, messages, and late night phone calls. They spent the first few Monday nights together, but even that didn't last.

With the short time they had, when they were alone or with those close to them, they were impossible to separate. The difficulty of meeting just meant they had to make the most of every minute they had together.

Amari continued to open up and tried harder to express his emotions, but he wasn't good with words like his partner. It was easier around Yangyang, but he still struggled with others, unable to shake the belief that such friendships were a burden. Despite that, he grew a little closer to Yinyi and began speaking to their bandmates, Bowen and Zach. There hadn't been an opportunity to join a rehearsal, but he did finally promise to go.

On the surface, everything seemed fine, and their relationship and connections with others around them grew as expected. Still, there was a constant feeling of apprehension in the pit of Amari's stomach. While he answered every question honestly, there were times when he could tell Yangyang was avoiding topics and changing subjects, especially when it came to his family or the last few years of his life.

Amari understood better than anyone the anxiety that came with a troubled past, and it was obvious there was something the man wasn't ready to share. He was confident that nothing would scare him away, and if Yangyang could accept him as he was, he was in no position to judge.

The secrecy could only last so long, though. It filled Amari with doubt, thinking maybe he wasn't strong enough to handle the problems that came with a serious relationship. Compared to Yangyang, he was just a kid who had spent his life alone. He was messed up, full of insecurities, and supporting another person was a scary thought. Maybe he wasn't enough, and maybe Yangyang was afraid of that too.

These fears filled his head every day and made him uneasy, so he avoided asking the important questions or pushing the important conversations. He tried pulling information out of Ziggy, who clearly knew more than he said, but that went nowhere, so he let it go.

"Hey," said Yangyang, snapping him out of his daze. "It's the first Monday we've spent together in weeks and you're spacing out on me."

Amari smiled and gave the man a soft kiss on the cheek. "Sorry Yang ge. You've got my undivided attention now."

"Ne, hyung, you missed my song!" Minwoo was bouncing around the room, hopped up on sugar and his own outgoing personality, and rushed over to shove the microphone into Amari's hand.

"My singing was liiiiit, and that song really slaps, no cap."

With a sigh, Amari grabbed the teen's shoulder. "Hey, tongsaeng. Could you possibly go ten minutes without throwing your Gen Z slang around? I don't think you even know what you mean."

"Ok boomer."

Minwoo giggled at himself, high-pitched and full of glee, and he slipped out of Amari's hold, collapsing beside him on the long couch. Amari had wanted to sing casually, feeling the need for some good, digitally-made pop, so they rented a regular room and invited Minwoo to catch up. Yangyang wasn't happy to share his precious time, but couldn't say no, so here they were.

"Hyung. You're only two years older than me, a-ra-yo?"

"I've got an old soul."

The response only strengthened the teen's giggling, making him smile.

"Ah, hyung... Daaaaebak. Jinjja michigess-eo. Michyeoss-eo."

"Ya... Banmal? I think you're the crazy one. You're speaking down to me now?" He reached out and punched Minwoo in the arm, getting more giggling in response. "Older is older."

After a deep breath to stop his laughter, Minwoo cleared his throat. "Ne, hyung. Algessseumnida... Saranghamnida..."

Sarcastically using the formalities, the teen drew a little heart on Amari's hand, then reached out to hug him, but Yangyang pulled him back, his arm tight and protective around his shoulders. Minwoo held up his hands and backed away.

"Okay bruh, no need to be salty. Just family love. We're all fam here, right? Plus, you guys are goals, no cap." He put his arms down and leaned toward the couple. "Hyung, I'm not into men, but this one really is a full-course meal. The image is so wasted on you."

Amari groaned at his speech, knowing he partly did it to annoy him. He swung a leg out sideways to kick him, but his target easily jumped out of the way. "Come on, y'old blind man. Come at me!" More giggles and Minwoo grabbed his bag from the floor, swinging it onto his back. "From the look on your man's face, I've overstayed my welcome, so I'm out. No worries, Yangyang hyung. Ajik saranghaeyo. I still love you."

He giggled again and waved an arm over his head as he walked out the door, then knocked loudly against the wall as he headed down the hall.

Yangyang immediately hung himself over Amari, kissing him on the neck. "I thought that kid would never leave."

The boy smiled and slapped his arm. "Stop. You're so clingy."

"You love it." Wrapping him in his arms, Yangyang pushed him to the catalog. "Let's pick something."

He tossed out some names and Yangyang entered them over his shoulder, the man's large frame leaning heavy against his back.

"You're really not gonna move? It's hard to sing like this."

"You can sing like this," Yangyang shot back playfully. "I'm not moving."

Amari shifted the mic in his hand, still smiling. "So childish. Do you wanna sing any?"

Hair brushed lightly against his neck as Yangyang shook his head and started the song. "I just want to listen to you."

Lifting the mic closer to his mouth, he held it out above the man's arms. WILD by Troye Sivan began to play over the speakers and a mischievous smirk snuck onto his face. Not far into the song, Yangyang kissed his neck, then pulled his already loose t-shirt open further, tongue running down to his shoulder.

"You're driving me wild, wild, wild..."

The arms that were around his shoulders moved to his waist. His voice faltered, the air cut off as the man tightened his grip and lifted him, carrying him to the couch along the wall and sitting him on his lap. The song continued to play, but Amari had stopped singing.

"What're you doing?" he asked as a hand ran under his shirt.

"It's your fault for choosing this song." The man kissed him on the neck again, the touch of his lips no longer soft.

"Maybe that's why I chose it."

Yangyang took the microphone out of Amari's hand and tossed it onto the table in front of them. "Then it's definitely your fault." His voice was deeper, a now familiar low tone, and he turned the boy around on his lap to face him.

By the end of the song, Yangyang was on top of him, pressing him into the hard couch, kissing turning to biting and touches becoming aggressive. Yangyang slid his hand down to Amari's waist, fingers pulling on his belt and pushing their way underneath.

Amari's mind went red, his lungs tight and burning, and he couldn't stop the memories from flashing in his head. The smells and sounds, hands stroking and grabbing, then his body taken and explored... He forced his eyes shut, as if that would make any of it go away. Yangyang continued, his tongue frisky as he pushed his hand further down.

"Stop!"

His voice was forceful, panicked, and Yangyang immediately withdrew. The shirt fell back down, hands were back around his waist, and Yangyang rested gently on his stomach. He felt instant remorse and put a hand on Yangyang's head, smoothing down his soft hair.

"Shit." Guilt washed the fear away, and he was furious at himself, knowing it hurt every time he did this. "Yang ge, I'm so sorry."

Yangyang didn't say anything, arms moving further around his waist. Lifting the man's head, Amari sat, pulling him in close.

"I shouldn't've played if I couldn't handle it. I really am sorry."

"I know. It's alright." His tone was sad and laced with his own guilt, as if he had done something wrong. The sound pierced through Amari's heart.

"This really isn't fair to you." Rubbing Yangyang's back, he pushed him up a little more. He couldn't look him in the eye, so he hung his head instead. "I'm gonna tell you some things. Or... It might be a lot, actually. But you deserve to know why I'm so fucked up. Is that okay?"

"That's always okay."

Yangyang shifted and pulled Amari off the couch, bringing him to the floor. Obviously knowing whatever the boy had to say would be difficult, he sat, legs crossed, and brought Amari down onto his lap, legs automatically wrapping around his waist and arms around his neck. The small frame fit easily against Yangyang's broad chest, covered safely by the man's embrace.

"So, I guess I'll just start from the beginning?" Amari rubbed Yangyang's back again, knowing he would need just as much comfort during this, and took a breath.

"You know my mom died when I was young, and I was raised by my grandmother, but I wasn't legally in her custody until high school. Before that, I also lived with my dad. He wasn't home a lot, but when he was, he was drunk and angry. I don't really remember him ever being happy, actually... And he thought I was the reason his life was shit, so he took that anger out on me. A lot of the scars, burn marks, old bruises... those're from him."

Yangyang tightened his grip and Amari let out a little laugh.

"Uh, Yang ge... You can't get upset already. There's so much story left." There was no response, but he could feel the man was tense. "We don't have to do this. Do you want me to stop?"

"No."

"Okay."