Episode 40 - Unconditional Guilt

"Morning," mumbled Amari, his voice still groggy as he slumped into a kitchen chair. "Coffee?"

A mug slid over to him and Ziggy chuckled lightly. "I haven't had any yet, so you can have this, hein?"

With a small nod, he took it and sipped, letting out a sigh of relief. "No Nicky? Went back to his wife again?" His tone was intentionally condescending, a large frown covering his face.

"Do you really have to say it that way? Making that face?" His friend poured himself another cup and sat back down at the table.

"Doesn't my face always look like this? Seriously, why do you keep letting that asshole use you? He's never gonna leave his wife."

"Coudon... I don't think I need to listen to relationship advice from you right now, tsé?"

After a gulp of coffee, Ziggy's cup banged loudly onto the table. As always, Amari was taking his frustrations out on the man, and the irritation in his friend's voice made him wince.

"You're right." He sighed, feeling completely defeated. "I guess we're both just a couple'a fuck-ups."

Ziggy chuckled again, sounding more cheerful now as he took another sip. "It's been over two weeks. You still haven't heard from him?"

He shook his head, then rested it on the table. This wasn't really a conversation he wanted to have. He had given up control, given up himself, and now he felt trapped by the outcome.

"Well, he did dump you. It would make sense for him to avoid you, hein?"

After flipping the man off, he sighed again. "He didn't actually dump me. He's scared, which's my fault. But he might really just give up."

"You could contact him first, if you're worried about it."

"I can't." He wrapped his arms around his head, muffling his voice. "It's his decision, and I'm not gonna force him."

Reaching out, Ziggy rubbed his now shaved head, only the faintest line of a mohawk left.

"I know I said to cut it, but I miss the frohawk. I guess this is what girls are supposed to do after a break up though, hein?" Amari only groaned and his friend chuckled, sweetly this time. "You really are a good kid. T'en fais pas. He'll figure it out."

"Hard not to worry, but we'll see. His sister messaged me a few times, but I just yelled at her and haven't spoken to her since."

Another light laugh. "Why would you yell at her?"

"She's the one who told him to do it!" He lifted his head to scowl at the man. "I should yell at you, too. You told him the same fucking thing."

"Ben là! I didn't think he would actually make that choice..." The man drifted off, clearly caught up in a thought. "Though, I understand his worry. It's not an easy decision to make."

"It pisses me off that you know and won't tell me." Sighing yet again, he sat up and scratched at his head. "No, he's gotta tell me himself. Anyway, it's my fault. I scared the shit outta him, then turned around and got angry about it."

Stretching his arms up, Amari listened to what should be young joints pop and crack, then stood, bringing his mug to the sink. "I'm gonna take a shower and then go for a walk. Do you need anything from me before tonight?"

"Non, mon chou." There was a comforting pat on the back, then a hand squeezed his shoulder. "Are you singing again?" He nodded. "Très bien. I will put you on the set list, hein?"

After another nod, he headed to the bathroom, closing the door and sliding down to the floor. With his bare back against the wood, he dropped his head between his knees.

::Jesus, Amari. Aren't you so fucking mature? What're you gonna do if he really doesn't come back?::

With a long sigh, he stood up, shaking off his uncertainties.

::Shit. No towel.::

Opening the door, he immediately hesitated hearing Ziggy's voice.

"I wasn't going to call you, hein, because I don't really have anything to say to you."

He pulled the bathroom door back until it was only open a crack.

"You're still not allowed to perform in my club, comprend moi? But Scotty has been singing every open mic night, and I think you need to hear it."

There was a pause as the person on the other end spoke.

"Don't be mistaken, hein? You are not allowed to speak to him. He doesn't need to know you're there."

Another short pause.

"Come or don't come. Moi là, j'm'en câlice. I just think it is something you should hear."

Ziggy hung up without waiting for a response and let out a sigh. Closing the bathroom door fully, Amari was still for a moment, then frowned.

::Stupid old man.::

He walked back over to the shower, turning the faucet on, only remembering the towel after he had stepped under the water.

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"Hey," Amari said quietly and a few cheers came from the audience. "I'm gonna be singing two songs tonight, if that's okay. LOST BOY, by Troye Sivan, and I'll Be Good, by Jaymes Young."

There were a few more cheers and he nodded to Ren, letting him know he was ready. He wondered for a moment if Yangyang had actually come to listen, but quickly pushed the thought from his mind.

It didn't matter either way. He wasn't singing for him. Open mic night had given him the chance to express the feelings he had pent up inside, releasing all of the guilt and doubt and regret he held back during the week into his voice and out from the stage.

First, he was singing to remind himself of how insignificant and inadequate he was. How many love songs had he sung? How many times had he believed he was ready for an adult relationship? In the end, all he did was unload his trauma onto the person he loved and frighten him away. He was just a kid who didn't have any of shit together, thinking he could handle something more. He wasn't strong. He was selfish.

When the song ended, Amari gave a small bow at the applause and let out a breath as Ren and his bandmates switched out instruments. He grabbed his acoustic and did some final tuning, shifting to a more comfortable position on his stool and shifting his focus to yet another shortcoming.

As he sang the next song, he wished he actually knew how to be the person the lyrics promised to be. A better man. A good man. How to stop feeling so insecure, and let go of the things that didn't matter anymore.

Now he knew Yangyang was the same. This entire time, he had been questioning his worth, always thinking Yangyang was the strong and confident one. After that night, after the tone in his voice and his choice of words, he knew the man was actually more terrified of this relationship than he was. If this was ever going to work, they couldn't both be tied down by fear. He needed to be better.

As his strumming faded out, he bowed another small thank you, and carried his guitar off the stage. Out of view, he crouched to the floor, his head falling to his knees. A few moments passed before he was able to take a deep breath and compose himself. Leaving his guitar, he headed down the back hall to the bar.

"Well?" he heard Ziggy ask, and he paused, moving up against the wall. Eavesdropping was becoming such a common thing for him lately.

A few seconds passed without a response, then the deep voice said, "I don't understand. He's singing songs from my point of view?"

Ziggy laughed at the man, his tone almost mocking. "Is that what you heard? Then you don't know Scotty like you think you do, hein?" He responded to another customer and then returned to Yangyang. "Scotty only sings for himself, based on how he feels."

"But, I'm the one who left. I'm the one who wasn't ready. I'm the one who messed things up." The man was confused and frustrated, and Amari frowned. He really should stop listening to these conversations. It never made him feel any better.

"Oui, I agree, but Scotty doesn't think that way. A relationship is two people who care about each other, tsé? If it goes wrong, both people are at fault. If you left, it is because you didn't really love him, or because he didn't have what it takes to make it work."

Ziggy sighed, his patronizing turning to disappointment. "It makes sense, I suppose. If you could support each other through your problems, then you wouldn't need to split up, hein? And if you left because you couldn't handle his issues, c'est ta faute, and you can take the blame." Amari heard him tap on the counter. "But you left because of your own problems, tsé? Which means Scotty isn't strong enough to support you."

"But I don't think..." Yangyang didn't sound sure, now that he was confronted with it, and Amari hung his head. He wasn't surprised by the man's revelation, but it still broke his heart. "Whatever the reason, none of this is his fault."

"Hein? Es-tu sûr?" Ziggy sighed again, more sad than frustrated now. "It doesn't really matter what you think. Ch'te dis, Scotty is unconditional. He internalizes everything, and takes responsibility when things go wrong. It seemed like you didn't really understand this, so I invited you here."

There was a short pause, with multiple customers calling for drinks. "Antèka, là, chu tanné. I'm done with you. You've heard him, so you can leave. I don't really want to talk to you anymore, and there is no other reason for you to be here."

"Can I come back next week?"

"Do whatever you want."

Yangyang told him goodbye, but Ziggy didn't respond, already moving on to help the others at the bar.