Episode 41 - Valentine's Day

After enough time had passed and he was sure Yangyang was gone, Amari turned the corner and joined Ziggy behind the bar.

"I heard your conversation." There was a groan in response and his friend stopped whatever he had been doing. "Why'd you do that?"

"Because he is obviously confused and doesn't understand a fucking thing, tsé? Living in his own little bubble of self-pity." The man let out an exasperated breath, slamming something heavy on the counter. "Osti, he frustrates me! J'ai l'feu au cul!"

Amari smiled and pat the man on the shoulder. "Don't be mad. Just leave him be. Laisse faire, hein? I'm not doing this for him. If he can't figure out how he feels, then there's no hope anyway."

"Coudon, you can't stop your papa from doing something about this." Ziggy's voice was serious, but Amari giggled at how ridiculous it sounded.

"Yeah, okay dad... Are you gonna intimidate him when he picks me up for prom, too? I can handle my own shit, Zig."

There was a hard pat on his back and Ziggy chuckled. "Oui, oui, you are very grown up and mature, hein?"

"More than you."

Taking a seat on the stool in the corner, Amari turned his attention to the music flowing out from the stage. He didn't want to think about it anymore. As open mic ended and they switched to open band, Ziggy nudged him in the side.

"Are you going to sing next week? We're doing love songs for Valentine's day, tsé?"

"I can sing a love song," he said casually. "My relationship is shit, but I'm still in love."

"Blunt as ever, mon chéri. I just wanted to make sure you would be okay with it."

"Stop worrying so much."

He was annoyed and didn't want to talk, so he wandered to the greenroom to check on the bands. In all honesty, he probably wouldn't be okay, but he hadn't lied. None of that love was gone, and he still had things to say. For him, singing was the only way to say them.

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"Happy Valentine's Day!" Nicky exclaimed as Amari walked up to the bar, and Ziggy slapped him hard enough to hear.

"Look who's back. You got bored in your fancy brownstone? It's been over a week, so I guess you must've."

"Coudon, Scotty..."

Amari ignored his friend's warning. "I'm gonna check on the greenroom and pick up any messes." He set his guitar in the corner and headed down the hall.

"He just broke up, tsé?" he heard Ziggy say from behind. "Have a little sense."

Nicky only laughed in response.

Rolling his eyes, he wandered into the greenroom, wasting time by checking the counters and couches, moving furniture around, and picking up pillows and other things from the floor. When there was nothing left to do, he slouched down onto a cushion, letting out a sigh.

::Let's sing a love song for Valentine's Day. Excellent fucking decision, Amari.::

When he sang for himself, like tonight, he was almost incapable of singing anything he didn't feel. It was like his honesty had to carry over from speaking to singing. Or, it was more that this was his best outlet to say what he wanted in the guise of a performance.

He had Yangyang to thank for that - for opening him up to the freedom of singing on stage. He had Yangyang to thank for a lot of things.

Shoving a pillow in his face, he groaned loudly. He knew he was only torturing himself, but he also knew that he wouldn't be moving on from these feelings any time soon. The best he could do now was just wait and see what happened.

"Coudon, Scotty." Ziggy was standing in the doorway, his voice making the boy jump. "Ah, pardon. Our first spot is running late, so we're going to swap your time. C'est bon?"

With an indifferent shrug, he said "Yeah, okay. I don't care when I sing," then put the pillow down and pushed himself to his feet.

"Ren is already up there and ready for you." There was a quick squeeze of his shoulder as he passed to head down the hall toward the stage.

As the lights adjusted, he shut his eyes, the shifting spotlight blinding him and piercing his temples. He lowered his head and rubbed the back of his shaved mohawk, feeling the large scar easily now.

"You okay?" Ren stood close and he felt a little better. The man's presence was always weirdly comforting. He had never said he was visually-impaired, but it was impossible that Ren didn't know by now. Still, he had never said anything.

Amari flashed a reassuring smile. "Yeah. The lights're just a little too bright."

A moment later, his headache eased and he lifted a hand, letting them know he was ready. After a few seconds the piano started to play.

This particular song, Love Like This, had been running through his head for weeks, so a part of him was glad to have a chance to sing it on stage with the band. It was a simple song to say how the smallest things could change a person – to say how Yangyang had changed him – and how this love had made him better. He wasn't that cold, lonely kid anymore, sleeping his days away in the dark. He had brought down walls and confronted fears, and he was finally able to smile and laugh.

As he had the other night, Amari wondered if Yangyang was in the audience. He closed his eyes, keeping the building tears hidden, then took a breath and smiled. Focusing on the echo of the piano strings, he felt a warmth fill him. He didn't know if these changes would last once the love was gone, but at least right now he felt happy. Even if it was only until he finished singing.

He took another breath as the piano played its final notes and bowed his head at the applause, then hurried off the stage. Heading straight down the hallway to the back stairs, he stopped halfway up to sit, resting his face in his hands.

::Shit.::

After a few moments, he used a sleeve to wipe at his eyes, then rubbed his wet hands against his pants. With a few deep breaths, he was back to his normal indifference, at least on the surface.

"That was beautiful," Ziggy said sweetly. He had been standing there the whole time, waiting for the boy to stop crying. "And honest. Glad that never changes."

Amari didn't say anything, folding has hands and hanging his head. Was it such a good thing to be so obvious? He could just as easily have stayed silent, which was how he lived his life before, but if he was going to speak, he was going to say what he felt. Now, that honesty was a heavy weight. He was too open, and that made him vulnerable. Part of him wanted to go back to the way he was, but that would be a waste of his effort.

"How about you just go back to the apartment? Nicky can help me if I need it, and maybe spending the next few hours listening to people sing about love isn't the best idea, hein?"

He nodded and stood. "I'll just go out the back. Throw my guitar in storage and I'll get it later."

"No problem. C'est correct, là."

He gave Ziggy a halfhearted wave and trudged up to the street. Opening the door, he remembered it was still winter, and he had left his coat with his guitar. He had no desire to go back, so he hurried around the corner toward the apartment.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and his frozen fingers fumbled with an earbud as he played the message.

'Was Ziggy right? That you only sing what you feel?'

Amari groaned. This wasn't what he needed right now.

'This is the message you're sending me after three weeks? Are you stalking me?'

'Was Ziggy right?'

'Don't you think it's creepy to dump someone and then go listen to them sing for Valentine's Day?'

'Maybe. Just answer the question.'

'Yeah, Ziggy was right. My fingers are cold, so I'm done talking.'

There was no reply and he shoved the phone back into his pocket. He hurried up the three flights of stairs and into the apartment, blowing hot breath into his hands and rubbing them together for warmth.

For a brief moment, he contemplated pouring himself a cup of hot coffee, but there was no reason to stay awake, so he just headed to his bedroom and collapsed face first onto the bed.

::What the fuck was that?::

He wondered why Yangyang was torturing himself. The man still cared about him, that wasn't the reason he left, but still - spending Valentine's Day stalking your ex wasn't the best way to get over a relationship. Though he was the idiot singing the love song, so he had no right judge.

With a long sigh and a lot of effort, he rolled over. Falling asleep to music was definitely the only option tonight, so he pulled out his phone and shuffled to a J-rock playlist. It was the only genre he could think of that wouldn't remind him of Yangyang. He closed his eyes, focusing everything on the sound streaming into his ears. Quickly, his breathing calmed and he drifted to sleep.