Episode 43 - Moving Forward

"There is mon chéri," Ziggy said playfully as Amari shuffled down the hallway, stretching and yawning. "Always up so bright and early."

"And always greeting us in his panties," Nicky chimed in.

Amari flipped the man off, but as he came closer to the table, he realized there were three figures in the kitchen. Coming out of his morning haze, he froze, remembering that he let the drunken Yangyang from the night before sleep on the couch.

"Come on," Ziggy teased. "We've all seen you in your underwear. Two of us have seen you out of your underwear. No need to be shy now, hein?"

Amari groaned and scratched his head, heading to the kitchen counter to pour himself some coffee. "How's your head? You were really gone last night." It was obvious who he was speaking to, so he didn't face the table.

"Yeah... It's alright," said Yangyang timidly, his deep voice light. "Sorry. And thanks, for letting me stay."

Amari turned and sipped his coffee. "It's better than having you pass out in the stairwell."

"Yeah." The man obviously felt awkward, and he had to stop himself from smiling.

"Have you had coffee?" He lifted an empty cup, offering to pour some for him.

A chair squeaked against the floor and Yangyang's large figure stood. "I'm alright. I should leave, or I'll be late." He made it to the door, then hesitated before opening it. "Can we talk later?"

"Send me a message when you're finished with work." Amari said it as casually as he could, drinking his coffee and trying to keep a straight face.

"Alright." After a quick goodbye to Ziggy and Nicky, the man left. Once the door closed behind him, Amari let out the nervous breath he had pushed down into his throat and slumped over the counter.

Ziggy laughed at his acting. "Scotty, you are so cool and aloof, tsé?" Amari frowned at him and his friend just laughed again. "Fait que... tell us what we missed."

"Nothing really." Mini panic attack over, he sat down at the table and shrugged. "He was slumped outside the door when I got outta the shower, trashed, so I had to let him in."

"What did he say?" asked Nicky, excited for the gossip.

"As drunk as he was, nothing that means anything."

That was as much as he wanted to tell either of them. He wasn't wrong. Even though Yangyang's words had shaken him, the man was beyond drunk. Those were things that needed to be said when fully conscious - words that should be said sincerely.

Amari stood up from the table, his coffee only half finished. "I think I'm gonna go out and make some money today."

He didn't wait for a response and headed down the hall to get ready. With the bedroom door closed behind him, he leaned his bare back on the wood and let out a sigh.

::Why do you do this to me? Why does it hurt so much?::

He hung his head, knees bent and heart pounding.

::Ā Li, I really missed you. I love you.::

::Ā Li.::

::I love you.::

Slumping forward as low as he could, he dropped his head between his legs. Before he had time to be consumed by his thoughts, his phone vibrated against the top of the dresser. He stood to grab it, fishing around to find his earbuds. It was a few minutes before he found them tossed in with a pile of clothes and could listen to the message.

'I'm on the train to work, but I don't want to have this conversation over the phone. Are you free later? Can we meet somewhere?'

Amari sat on his bed and thought about how he wanted to handle this. He didn't know if he was prepared to hear whatever Yangyang had to say, and he wanted the situation to be within his control.

'I don't think I'm ready for that. Can you come to The Basement Sunday?'

The response was almost immediate.

'Yeah. I would have done that anyway. I just didn't want to wait that long.'

He couldn't stop himself from smiling.

'We can talk after I sing.'

Another short pause.

'Alright.'

Amari laid back onto the bed and spread his arms out. He wasn't sure if he should feel excited or terrified. Probably both. He shook the thoughts from his mind and rummaged for clean clothes. Life in limbo still continued on, and he still had to push through.

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Ziggy looked over the set list and sighed. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked from across the bar. "You don't even know what he wants to talk about, tsé? This... Isn't this too direct?"

Amari smiled at his friend, happy to know he was concerned for him, but already determined. He didn't want that doubt to climb back up and ruin this.

"What I feel's what I feel. Whatever he's gonna say doesn't change that." He pushed his empty glass over. "Anyway, I can't expect him to be honest if I can't even do this."

Ziggy's voice turned sweet. "Ah, mon chou is all grown up, hein? There was this time when you barely spoke, and always frowned, and scared all of my customers away..."

"I didn't scare anyone away. And that person isn't gone, he just isn't around all the time."

"Uh huh. Quoi que tu dis, mon chéri. Whatever you say."

Ziggy grabbed the glass as patrons flooded in. Some of them recognized Amari, a regular on the stage now, and said hello. He bowed slightly to the strangers, expressionless, then turned back to his friend.

"See? I can still be cold and unfriendly. I'm going backstage to see if Ren needs help."

Ziggy waved him on and turned his attention to his customers as Amari headed down the hall, wary of any figure he passed. He hoped that he wouldn't run into Yangyang early. He wanted to say the things he needed to say on stage before they talked.

Ren didn't need anything, but Amari stayed anyway, hiding in a corner off stage, tuning and plucking at his acoustic absentmindedly until he heard the song prior to his finishing.

He stood and took a deep breath, thinking of how rude, cold, and empty he used to be. Of how he had changed from someone who hated singing in front of anyone to someone who eagerly expressed himself before an audience every week. From someone who never smiled or laughed, even among the people who cared for him, to someone who could smile at a stranger. It had been six months, months that gave him a new life, yet felt like nothing now, passing by in an instant.

Whatever the outcome, he was in a better place, and having taken the steps to get here, he could only keep going forward. He gripped his guitar and stepped out onto the stage, welcoming the blinding lights and applause from the crowd.