Episode 44 - Wait For You

Amari sat on the stool and adjusted the stand, tapping the mic out of habit. Staring out across the blur of the crowd, he smiled a genuine smile.

"So, I'm gonna be singing Wait for You, by Tom Walker." He scratched at his head nervously and someone in the audience cheered, making him chuckle. "Thanks. Anyway, I always try to sing what I feel. It lets me release what's bottled up inside. Tonight, I'm gonna be singing for someone else. The person who helped me find the courage to get up here in the first place."

He paused and scratched his head again. "Uh, sorry. That was a lot of talking."

A few people in the audience chuckled and he held up his hand, letting Ren know he was ready.

Amari had thought it in passing before, but only recently realized that it didn't matter what awful things had happened to him. Everyone had their own trauma and their own fears. For that person, those were more terrifying than anything, because they were real.

He had been wrong, expecting someone to simply have faith they would be accepted. He had been wrong, thinking simply saying he would be there meant he really would. There was nothing simple about it. Yangyang had proven he could be trusted, but he was also someone full of fear, and Amari had done nothing to show he could be trusted in return.

He needed Yangyang to know that he didn't want him to leave that night, that he wasn't pushing him away, and that he would do whatever he could to earn that trust. Whenever the man was ready, he would be here.

The last note of the song vibrated and faded, and he ignored the noise from the crowd. All he could think about was finding Yangyang. Leaving his guitar for someone else to move, he rushed off the stage toward the hallway. He didn't make it far before a figure suddenly stopped him, large arms wrapping him up, and a familiar and comforting scent drifting over him. He moved his hands only as far as the man's side, grabbing the fabric of his sweater.

Yangyang didn't say anything, but his breathing was shaky and Amari thought it sounded like he might cry.

"Hey, Yang ge," he said softly, tugging at the sweater. "Let's do this somewhere else, okay? Somewhere less public."

The man released his grip and Amari took his arm, dragging him to the nearest side room. As Yangyang tried to embrace him again, he held an arm out.

"Wait. We need to talk first."

"Yeah." Yangyang backed up a little, but didn't say anything.

"Then I'll start." He sighed as he leaned his head back, not comfortable saying these things when it wasn't in a song.

"...I shouldn't've let you leave that night. I dumped all of my shit on you, and it scared you. And I was angry you weren't including me in your life when I should've been understanding. I created the situation, and then I was mad about it. It wasn't fair to you."

He paused after nervously spitting the words out. He had never felt so vulnerable before.

"But, you need to know something about me." He took a quick breath. "I'm cold and distant with people because when I get attached, I give every part of myself. If this doesn't work - if you end it - that means there's something I couldn't give you."

Yangyang stepped closer, but Amari put a hand out to stop him. He needed to finish now or he might never say it.

"You ended it before it ever really started. Which means you think I can't handle whatever's happening in your life. That you'd think that... That you didn't trust me... It really hurt, and I couldn't control my reaction."

Yangyang sighed, sad, but calmer than before. "You're right. I was scared. I AM scared. I wanted this so much, I kept pushing reality to the side, like it was something separate." He shifted a little closer, like he wanted to touch him, but hesitated. "When you told me all those things, I thought, don't you deserve an easier life? A life you don't have to struggle with, and someone who can protect you."

Giving up, he reached out and pulled Amari into his arms.

"That night, I was frustrated and angry, and then the look on your face... It scared me to death." He tightened his grip and the boy could hear the heartache in his voice. "What if I just become another terrible memory? Another broken relationship that haunts you? I can't do that."

Amari let the man hug him for a few seconds and then gently pushed back. "Yang ge, do you think you've forced me into this? That I'm some immature kid who doesn't know what's going on?"

He frowned, still feeling a little bitter that the man made this decision on his own.

"Yeah, I've got trauma. I've been abused by strangers and by people who were s'posed to care about me. I can't make that go away, and it'll be difficult sometimes." Amari took Yangyang's hand in his and smiled, staring blankly at their intertwining fingers. "There're things you hide, but I know you well enough to know you aren't one of those people. Can't you just trust that I'm strong enough to make my own choices and let me in? I've never had an easy life. I don't want an easy life. I just want something real... and I thought this was real."

Yangyang took a breath, but he wasn't finished.

"You say I shouldn't struggle, that I should be protected, but what about you? Why can't I do that for you?" He felt the man startle and squeezed his hand to reassure him.

"This isn't a problem to fix, or something that'll go away," said Yangyang nervously. "This is my life. My family. Something that could be difficult. Something... you might not like."

It was clear from his tone that he wanted to be accepted, but he didn't have the courage to ask.

"Do you love me?" Amari asked suddenly. "I know we haven't been together a long time, so to ask is kinda-"

"I love you," said Yangyang, firmly cutting him off. "Drive me crazy, miserable without you, completely in love with you."

Amari flushed, choking a little on his breath. "Jesus... How can you say things like that so easily?"

Yangyang only chuckled quietly and Amari smiled as he pulled the man's arms around his waist.

"Look, Yang ge... I don't know about your family. How can I know if you don't tell me? But I'm not perfect either. I'm going blind. Soon I won't even see blurs. That's MY life. Something that WILL be difficult, forever. Doesn't that scare you? It scares the shit outta me. And there's no doubt that it'll make your life hard."

Pressing his palms into the man's back, he let out a defeated sigh. "But I love you, and I want to be selfish, so I'm not gonna act all noble and push you away to protect you. You should be selfish too. We can just stay together and protect each other."

Yangyang leaned down to kiss him, but Amari put a hand over his mouth. The man chuckled. "A Li, how are you so wise and mature?"

"Yang ge, how're you so childish?" He pulled Yangyang's arms away from him, placing them back at his sides. "None of this changes the fact that you dumped me."

"But I want to un-dump you..." said Yangyang, his whiney, innocent voice returning. A voice Amari had been desperate to hear. "You just said you love me, but you won't take me back?"

"Me loving you and you letting me into your life are two different things." Amari frowned and folded his arms across his chest. "You still haven't told me what this permanent, difficult, family problem I won't like is."

There was a moment of hesitation. "And if I do that, you'll take me back?"

"If you do that, then I'm entirely yours. But if you don't, then we're no better off than before. I meant what I sang. I will wait for you. But I'm not in this to play around. When you're ready, I'll be here."

"Next Monday," said Yangyang suddenly, almost urgently. "Not tomorrow, but next Monday. Are you free?" He nodded. "I think I'd rather show you, instead of just tell you. Is that alright?"

"That's okay..." Amari spoke slowly, tilting his head, and his brow lowered in uncertainty. "But, where're you taking me? You know I don't really like surprises."

"I'm pretty sure you're lying about surprises. And I'm taking you home with me."

"Home? Your home?" He felt instantly nervous, but wasn't sure why. "This isn't, like, one of those meet-the-parents visits, is it?"

Yangyang laughed at the idea. "Hell no. That's a whole other mountain to climb. You're just coming as my good friend."

"Okay." Amari let out a breath. "I mean, it's okay, someday, but it's not something you should just spring on a person."

Though, whatever this secret is might be more shocking.

A large arm wrapped tight around his shoulders and it felt comfortable, a feeling he had really missed. "Come on. I'll walk you home."

The man opened the door and checked for witnesses, but the hallway was empty, so he pulled Amari out.

"Ah... A Li told me he loves me," Yangyang said quietly. "Even though it was cringy. I'm so happy."

Amari punched him in the side and frowned. "If you ever want me to say it again, you'll stop mocking me."

Yangyang pulled him closer. "Understood, dear."

The boy sighed, irritation on his face, but inside he had never felt happier.