Episode 61 - Left Behind

His ivory skin was paler, with permanent dark shading under his eyes, and he pulled an eyelid down to look at the blood-red lines running through the brown.

::Li Yangyi, you're such a fucking mess. Pull yourself together already.::

He had been looking in the mirror and telling himself the same thing for over three months now, but it didn't change anything. Grabbing the hairdryer, his eyes squinted as the warm air blew over his face, and he tilted his head forward to reach the long, black strands at his neck.

"Ba!" came a shout from the hallway, a little hand knocking loudly.

After a long sigh, followed by a deep breath, he composed himself before opening the door.

"Ba, why're you always in here for so much time?"

Yangyang chuckled and ruffled his son's hair. He realized that it hadn't been cut in months and Taitai was beginning to look like his twin. His nose was smaller, his nostrils not as wide, and his lips were thinner, like his mother's, but the rest was the spitting image of his father. Yangyang picked him up in his arms and smiled.

"Your ba needs to look beautiful before he goes out." He pushed his son's hair behind his ears. "Taitai, do you want a haircut? Does it annoy you?"

With a quick shake of his head, Taitai grinned, both rows of bright white teeth showing. "I like it. It's like ba."

The grin quickly faded and Taitai used a finger to poke Yangyang in the corner of the mouth, furrowing his little brow.

"Ba, why're you always sad? 'Cause Li gēge's not here?" He didn't answer, just hugging him tighter in his arms. "He said he's coming back. Why're you still sad?"

"I just miss him," Yangyang said softly, smiling his sad smile again. "Do you want to go visiting with ba today? When we're done, we can stop and buy supplies for school." Long hair fell back into Taitai's face as he nodded enthusiatically, and Yangyang chuckled. "Ah... I can't believe my Xiao Tai will be in the first grade! When did you get so old?"

His son giggled and he carried him into his bedroom, plopping him down on the large bed.

"Who're we visiting?" Taitai asked, jumping on the mattress, his hair and arms flying up and down. "Our new friends? Li gēge's friends?"

The answer was obvious so he ignored the question. Instead, Yangyang changed into jeans and a light sweater. It wasn't quite fall yet, but the leaves had already started to change at the park and the air was getting chilly. It seemed too early to get cold, since last September he was still wearing long sleeved shirts without a jacket.

Absentmindedly sorting through his clothes, his hand stopped on one of those shirts – sandy brown with a small pocket on the front - the shirt he had been wearing for his meeting with Ziggy. He lingered for a moment before letting out a sigh.

"Taitai, go grab the paper your school sent home so we know what to buy, yeah?"

His son nodded, hopped to the floor, then raced off toward the kitchen. When he was far enough away, Yangyang pulled out his phone and sat on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees, flipping through his messages until he found an old voice message from June.

'Yang ge... I don't know how to say this so you'll believe it. I've had a few days to think and there're some things I've gotta take care of on my own. I know you think I sound like a hypocrite, since I'm the one who said we should solve our problems together and I'd never leave... And you're right. But these're things I've gotta do without anyone's help. I've gotta know that I can be the person I need to be. The person I wanna be. I'm afraid if I'm with you, or Ziggy, or anyone, I won't change. I'll just keep hiding, the way I have my whole life.'

There was a pause, just the sounds of breathing coming through the speaker, then a soft sigh.

'I know you won't understand. I know you'll be anxious and afraid, and I fucking hate myself for doing this to you. You can hate me too, just please don't hate me forever. When I'm who I need to be, I'll come back. I promise. I've never lied to you, I would NEVER lie to you, and I'll never leave you. Just think of it as my break. You took yours, now let me take mine. ...Shit... Now I'm just rambling because I don't wanna stop talking to you. I love you, Yang ge. More than anything. Take care of yourself, okay?'

The message ended, and a light knock came from the doorframe.

"Torturing yourself again, I see."

Yinyi was frowning at her brother, arms folded across her chest as if she was angry, but her brow was knotted in worry. She wore a slim, grey pants suit and her bleach-blond hair was tied up in a bun. With this expression, her face looked so much like their ma's it made a shiver run up his spine.

This Yinyi was so different from her rock vocalist persona that even after this many years, Yangyang still had difficulty recognizing her. They were both older, but in his mind, she was still his wild jie - the one who was always in trouble with ma, the one who taught him to play guitar, the one who gave him his first drink, and the one who helped him start his first band.

"I have an executive meeting this morning that I can't miss, but I wanted to check on you before I left. Are you still planning to run around the city like a crazy person?"

She was also his best friend. She was his protector when he was bullied for being a nerd, she comforted him when he realized he had feelings for his friend, and she calmed him when his new baby screamed and cried and he didn't know what to do. And he knew, deep down, that she had settled for him, taking the normal path so he was free to follow his dreams.

Yangyang smiled and nodded. "Of course I am."

With a half sigh, half groan, Yinyi sat next to her brother on the bed, taking the phone from his hand. "It's been months, Xiao Yang."

She opened his photos and swiped through. So many of them were of Amari, and she stopped on one of the most recent pictures - Amari asleep on Yangyang's bed with an arm draped gently over Taitai, the child's little body sprawled out across his chest. She stared at it for a few moments, a smile almost forming, then handed the phone back.

"You should stop. A few weeks or a month, alright. But what kind of person doesn't contact someone for over three months? Who just drops off the face of the earth like that? That's not someone who loves you. That's just selfish."

Her cheeks were flushed, and Yangyang knew she was more worried for him than she was angry with Amari. He also knew she was hurt and missed her second little brother.

"Jie, you know that kid isn't normal. You didn't see the look on his face that night. I felt angry, hurt, betrayed, abandoned... I felt so many things, but his expression in the street, with those headlights shining in his eyes... It was pure horror. I've never seen someone look so terrified." Looking down at the photo open on his phone, his head hung, his hair hiding his face. "I wanted to be furious. There was a point when I was furious. I wanted to just say 'Fuck off. How could you leave me?'"

Like always, defeat washed over him as he stared sadly at the picture of Amari and Taitai.

"Every time I thought that, I would see that expression on his face and my heart felt like it would burst. So I give up. I love him, and I don't want anyone else. I can't do anything but hope he isn't lying dead in an alley somewhere, and that he'll eventually come back."

"You've always been too soft-hearted," Yinyi said, standing and walking to the doorway. "What if he doesn't come back? How long do you wait? And what do you tell Taitai?"

Yangyang stood as well and joined his sister, looking firmly down into her small, brown eyes - eyes identical to his.

"Jie... The last relationship advice you gave me scared me into leaving him, so I think I'll just follow my gut this time. Who knows? Maybe it's karma. He waited for me. Maybe now I'm supposed to wait for him."