Episode 83 - The Talk

Amari released Yangyang's hand as they walked up the stairs to the Li's apartment.

"Take off your ring," he urged, sticking his into a pocket. When Yangyang hesitated, Amari rubbed his arm. "One battle at a time, okay? I don't think telling your ma we got engaged the night she kicked you out's the best strategy here."

"So you admit that we're engaged?" Yangyang asked, some of his playfulness returning. Amari punched him in the shoulder and he slipped his ring off with a chuckle.

They both took a deep breath and clasped hands before Yangyang opened the door and led Amari in. His mother was quietly sitting at the dining table and said nothing as they removed their shoes and found each other's fingers again, too hesitant to step forward. After a brief moment, Yangyang led Amari to the chairs across from her, so he assumed she had gestured for them to sit.

He could feel Yangyang trembling nervously and squeezed his hand. It was awkwardly quiet for a few moments, so Yangyang broke the silence.

"Ma..." he started, but he was stopped.

"I will go first." She was calm, no obvious emotion in her tone. "I spoke with your sister for a long time last night and she was very passionate in defending you two. She really loves her brother, and she loves you too, Xiao Li."

Amari blushed and hung his head a little, happy to hear that Yinyi had argued for them, but also feeling awful she had to argue at all.

"I'll admit that I am upset everyone else seems to know about this except me." A small amount of sadness crept in with the frustration in her voice. "I realize we don't always agree, but I'm still your mother."

"That's because you would have told me to be normal," Yangyang cut in angrily. "As if normal is something that really exists."

His mother sighed. "Normal does exist. Society decides what is normal, and no matter how many people accept you, two men being together is not normal."

Yangyang growled and Amari grabbed his arm with his free hand, reminding him to stay still.

"You're right. I would have told you to be normal," she continued. "I would have told you to question those feelings, and I would have still set you up with appropriate matches."

"How can you say that?" Yangyang roughly pushed his chair back, then leaned over the table, his voice strained. "Ma, I'm your son. Why do you only care about what other people think, instead of what your own son wants?"

"I would have done that, and I would have regretted it," added his mother, ignoring his short outburst and raising her voice only slightly. Yangyang froze and Amari pulled him gently back into his chair. "If I had known and still done that, it would mean that I'm the reason Taitai doesn't have a mother. Instead of being angry with you and that woman, I could only blame myself."

"That obviously isn't anyone's fault. I love my son, and I'm glad he's here. You don't take blame when something good happens."

Amari couldn't stop a smile, squeezing Yangyang's hand. No matter what happened to him, he was always a good father.

His mother sighed again and shifted in her chair. "Anyway, it doesn't matter what would have happened now. The situation is what it is, and I'm still not happy my son is gay."

Yangyang started to tense, but Amari kept him back. As always, there was no anger in her tone.

"Let me finish first. You love who you love. You must really think I'm stupid if you thought your feelings were a secret. We may have our differences, but I know my own son. In twenty-seven years, I have never seen you look at someone the way you look at Xiao Li. I have never seen you so happy, so depressed, or so angry. And last night... I was upset when I said those things. If it was someone else, I would be trying to stop you, and maybe I was blindly hoping... But even I know there isn't anything I can do about this."

"Wait. So, does that mean-"

"I said let me finish," she firmly cut in. "Xiao Li's presence is possibly the best thing to happen in this house in a long time. He brought music back, there is joy and laughter when he's here, and he helped me understand my son better." Amari blushed again, feeling his eyes start to water, and looked away to compose himself. "But, I don't approve of this relationship. If you were the same age, just beginning to decide what you want to do with your life and had nothing holding you down, I would be less hesitant. But you're not.

"You are a grown man with a six-year-old child, and you have no goals for your future. You didn't finish college, and you have pieced together a few part time jobs, but that will not support you and Taitai forever."

Yangyang shifted and slouched in his chair, unable to argue with her.

"And Xiao Li, I care for you like a son, but you are not in a better situation. I'm proud of everything you've accomplished, but the reality is that you have no education and a couple of part time jobs. You have plans, but even if those work out, it will be years before you can benefit from them."

"Ma," Yangyang interrupted in a growl. "It's alright to talk about my poor life choices, but what A Li has done is amazing. You have no right to criticize him."

"It is a terrible thing that he has so much further to climb, but that doesn't change anything, does it?" She sighed again, and this time it only sounded sad. "What were you planning to do? Live together here with Taitai? Until when? Single children can live at home until they are on their feet, but once you start your own family, you need your own home.

"Or maybe you're going to live with that friend of yours, in his small apartment? Perhaps you forgot what city we live in, but you cannot survive on your own with what you have right now."

Amari felt defeated, wanting to argue but knowing what she said was true.

"You two are in love, and that is wonderful, but love doesn't pay the bills. On top of that, you are two men. This city is more tolerant than most, and you are lucky to live here, but being legal and being accepted are two different things."

She paused, clearly worried, and Amari knew she didn't want to have this conversation as much as they didn't want to listen. "You don't just need to worry about yourselves. You have a small child you need to explain this to. A child who will grow up with two fathers, always explaining that to others. You are giving him a burden that will never go away." Leaning forward in her chair, she added, "Xiao Yang, I can guarantee that your grandparents won't accept this, and some of your aunts and uncles will struggle with it as well. That puts all of us, including me, in an awkward situation."

"Family who can't accept me for who I am aren't really family." Yangyang's deep voice was low, still angry that his mother cared more about the opinion of others than her son. "I'm gaining a new family. A supportive, unconditional family."

"Fine," his mother conceded, tired of the back and forth. "I can deal with that myself."

Amari cleared his throat, no longer able to stop his growing jumble of thoughts. He was impressed he actually managed to be quiet for this long. "Can I say something, about your worries for Taitai?"

The question was hesitant and he didn't want to argue with her, but he also knew she could only guess about things she had never experienced. There was silence, so he assumed he was free to speak.

"I'm from a small town and came out my first year of junior high. I lost friends, but those people weren't really my friends anyway. My grandmother stopped speaking to me and that was unfortunate. It was difficult for a year or two, figuring out who could handle it and who couldn't. But after that, after I was comfortable with myself, I stopped caring what other people thought."

Amari scratched his head, not wanting to sound like he wasn't taking the situation seriously.

"I'm not trying to downplay the bad experiences. It definitely happens. There are terrible, hateful people out there. I used to be one. I've been a bully and been bullied. Bullies are just people with their own insecurities. They think controlling the weak somehow makes them strong, but it's not rewarding if the other person doesn't give in."

He hesitated, remembering his own childhood and the awful things he had done, until he felt his fingers interlock with Yangyang, his hand moved to rest on a warm thigh.

"Anyway, a father in our parent support group said something helpful tonight," he continued with a small smile. "Right now, Taitai's affectionate, just like his ba and gūmà. He wants to hold your hand, he wants to be close and touch, but that might change when he gets older. I asked what happens when he's too embarrassed to hold hands with his ba or wear bells.

"He said maybe it won't be a problem. If he's confident and happy with himself, he won't be embarrassed. Kids care about what their friends think, but if he's taught to surround himself with supportive people and ignore the others, he won't feel like he's gotta change."

Amari smiled a little more and shrugged. "Isn't it the same for anything? Taitai's young. He doesn't know what normal means yet, so we've just gotta teach him these things first. Build his confidence, so if he runs into problems, he'll be the one in control.

"Outside of this relationship, I've never hidden my sexuality. It's who I am, nothing special, so there's no reason to treat it differently. My entire life has been a challenge, but not because I'm gay. Other people may make it an issue, but that's their problem. Why should I worry about someone else's problems?"

Yangyang chuckled and Amari frowned at him. He knew he was rambling, the words practically falling from his mouth, but he didn't know how else to get his point across - how to make this woman, and Yangyang, see that one single thing didn't define them. That hate was only one of the many reactions they might get, and it didn't have to rule their lives.

"What? Am I wrong? Maybe I sound naïve, but my sexuality's irrelevant. Bullying hurts, and not being accepted hurts, and when it turns violent, it's tragic. But everyone struggles with something, and honestly, who I love has always been the least of my worries."

"You're not wrong." Yangyang lifted his hand to kiss it. "You're beautiful."

"Jesus... Stop being cheesy."

"Well, I think you're naïve," Yangyang's mother said with a sigh. "Someone else's problem can very easily become your own. But that doesn't mean you're wrong. Taitai is young, and it will be difficult for him to understand any of this, so you will need to take the time to explain it, over and over."

There was a long pause and Yangyang nervously cleared his throat. "Then, does that mean you approve? Of us?"