Episode 84 - No More Secrets

There was another long pause and Amari thought his heart would stop. He hated silence more than anything, not knowing what was happening in the room around him, and this was probably the worst of his life.

"I'm not there yet," Yangyang's mother finally answered. "It's obvious there is nothing I can do to stop this, though, and I'm still your mother. I love you and I have only ever wanted you to be happy, which is why I worried when you constantly made your life difficult. I was taught that an easy, comfortable life is a happy life. Maybe that was wrong."

She sighed and stood from her chair. "But, this relationship goes nowhere until both of you sort out your lives and gain some stability. You are creating a family, not having some romantic fling, and I need to know you are serious before I can acknowledge this."

There was another pause and then she took a breath. "And I want no more secrets."

"Ah..." Yangyang cleared his throat and Amari turned toward him, eyebrows raised. "What? She said no more secrets."

After a rub to the back of his neck, trying to knead out the building nerves and stress from this discussion, Amari reached into his pocket. Yangyang did the same and they both slipped their rings on, showing their hands.

"So, ma... We may have gotten informally engaged last night..."

Yangyang's mother exhaled a long breath and put her hands on the table, her upper body slumped over.

"I was planning it for his birthday," Amari quickly spit out, suddenly feeling the need to justify what he had done. "I had second thoughts, but... I wanted him to know that whatever happened, it didn't change my future plans. It wasn't anything fancy, just a promise. Though, I guess that's all an engagement is, so..."

He shut his mouth, swallowing the rest, realizing he wasn't helping anything by talking.

"You proposed to him?" Her voice was lighter and she sounded surprised.

Amari nodded, a little confused, then little footsteps from the hallway cut off anything that might have followed.

"What're you talking about?" Taitai asked sleepily, crawling onto his dad's lap. "Everyone's so serious, tsé? I can't even."

Yangyang chuckled gently and kissed his son, sitting him up on the table. "Ba will explain everything once we're done talking to your nǎinai, yeah?" His words were sweet and confident, not at all the same as when he spoke to his mother.

Standing straight again, she waved Yangyang away. "You may as well talk to him now. I want to speak to Xiao Li alone."

"Me?" Amari wondered what she had to say that couldn't be said in front of Yangyang.

Taking Taitai in his arms, Yangyang stood. "We'll be in the bedroom then." He squeezed Amari's shoulder. "Let me know when you're finished."

Yangyang gave him a kiss on the cheek, which Taitai copied, making Amari giggle, and the two left down the hall. When she heard the door shut, Yangyang's mother hurried around the table and gave him a firm hug. They stayed that way for a moment with Amari frozen, unsure of how to respond. After another moment, she sat in Yangyang's chair and took his hand.

"Xiao Li, I just want you to know that I love you very much." Her voice was light, the stern mother from before gone. "I'm so glad my Xiao Yang found someone like you. Those videos you showed me... I never knew that person existed in him."

Amari took in a breath, too confused by the sudden change in mood to process her words. "Sorry, āyí... but I don't understand. You were so strict before. You never seem angry at Yang ge, so I don't know why you speak to him like that..."

"I worry about him." She leaned back in her chair and it was easy to tell her concern was genuine. "He gets anxious about so many things, so he overthinks and gives up. He would stay stuck this way forever if he could. But he also impulsively does what he wants without realizing the consequences, even more than his sister. I know it's a struggle for him, but if I simply said this was fine, nothing would change."

"I get that..." Amari wasn't entirely sure he understood, but couldn't deny her assessment of Yangyang. "But he needs encouragement too. Just pushing and scolding doesn't take the anxiety away." He frowned, thinking of the mistakes he had made in the past with that same attitude. "He dumped me once. Did you know that? He left me, for the same reasons you just said. I was like you when it happened. I thought, 'It's his decision,' 'If I give in, nothing'll change.' 'He needs to figure this out on his own.'"

He sighed and scratched at his head, glad that time was so far behind them. "I was wrong. His biggest fear was that I was gonna find out about Taitai and leave him. He needed me to go after him. He needed to know I was serious, and I would be there for him. That he could trust me."

The heat was rising from his chest to his neck, his frown turning to a scowl as he tried not to get upset and let the growing anger control him.

"I'm gonna be blunt. Yang ge seems strong, but he's fragile. I don't know if he's always been like that, or if life made him that way, but it breaks my heart. He's been so worried about what you'd think, terrified that this'd break up his family, but even now you won't accept him or support him? To motivate him? Honestly, it makes me mad."

"And that is why I'm glad you're here," she choked out, as if she was also fighting with herself. "I love my son, but this is the best I can do. What I said is not wrong. You two cannot support a family right now, but I wanted you to know that I'm not blaming you for that. And all three of you will suffer hardships and fight battles that are beyond your control. It isn't right, but it will happen. How could a mother be happy about that or want that life for her son?

"But now it isn't just my stubborn pushing. Xiao Yang also has your support. Xiao Li, you are the best thing that has ever happened to him, and someday you will get married and I will say that proudly." She squeezed his hand and he could tell from her scratchy voice that she was holding back her emotions. A lifetime of beliefs telling her this won't turn out well clashing against her hope that her children will be safe and happy. "Until then, he needs to prove to me that he can make a life out of music. I'm old and I can't say I completely understand your relationship. As far as I'm concerned, he's the provider in this family. He needs to be able to support you both."

There was quiet, her hand still clinging to his, and Amari wasn't sure where to go from here.

"So, how do we handle things right now?" he asked, still frustrated, but trying to understand her situation. It wasn't okay, and she could do better, but this was probably beyond what she was taught to expect or accept. "Yang ge's affectionate, and I want Taitai to see that our relationship's as loving and normal as any other."

She released her grasp and pat his thigh before standing.

"I will act as I always have. There will be no sleeping together in my house until you're married, and you don't have my blessing for marriage until you can live on your own. But you are dating, or engaged apparently, so there is no reason you shouldn't act that way. It would be pointless to pretend now."

Before she could walk away, Amari quickly reached out for her hand, flashing her a quick smile. "Thanks."

"I should be thanking you, I think." Pulling free and letting his arm fall, she headed toward the kitchen. "I'm tired. You should see how the 'two-bas' conversation is going."

Without a reply, Amari headed down the hall and tapped softly on Taitai's door, opening it on Yangyang's command.

"Everything okay in here?" he asked, and was immediately attacked, two small arms latching themselves around his waist.

"Hello." He took Taitai's shoulders and crouched down, moving him out to hold his hands. "How's your talk going?"

"Ba says you love us and wanna be our family!" The words were practically shouted into his face. "You'll be my ba too!"

Amari nodded, smiling at his excitement. That angry heat from only moments ago faded, a different warmth now filling his chest and cheeks.

"Taitai, do you understand what that means? That your family'll have two bas, instead of a ma and ba?"

"Ēn? Ba says when two people love each other, they become family. You love ba, and he loves you, so you'll be hubands."

Amari sat on the floor and took Taitai in his arms.

"Yeah, someday we'll be husbands," he corrected gently. "And I love you very much Taitai, so I wanna be your family too. But only if you love me back, like your ba does."

Arms wrapped snug around his neck, squeezing tightly. "I love you Li gēge," Taitai replied without a thought.

Tears started to line his eyes and Amari sniffed, rubbing the child's back.

"Uh, Taitai, you're making Li gēge cry," he said with a giggle.

Taitai let go and wiped at a tear. "Why?"

"Because I'm so happy."

"Yeah? Ba was happy before too, tsé?"

Amari laughed a bit louder as he heard Yangyang sigh, his secret exposed. Taitai was quickly snatched from his arms, Yangyang tickling him, then placing him giggling like crazy onto the bed.

"It's late, and we can talk about this more later, yeah?"

Taitai whined and after a few complaining "why" questions, Amari joined them, slipping his fingers between Yangyang's. "How about we have a sleepover? Your ba can read us a story, and then the three of us can sleep here together."

"Yeah?" exclaimed Taitai, the bed squeaking as he stood. "Is that okay ba?"

Yangyang grabbed him with his free arm. "A sleepover is alright, but your ba isn't sleeping on the floor." He carried him over to his bookshelf. "Pick a book, and we'll sleep in my room."

Taitai let out a loud cheer, finally settling on the longest story he could find, and Amari giggled lightly as he followed Yangyang to his room.

"I get to be in the middle," Taitai announced, jumping onto the bed and crawling up to the pillows.

"Yang ge, have you got something I can wear? I've been wearing this sweater all day."

Yangyang tossed Amari a t-shirt. "I don't have any new toothbrushes." He paused to think. "Ah, there's a bottle of mouthwash on the sink counter. I think it's the middle bottle on the right, but smell it first. It should be the only minty thing up there."

Amari smiled and bowed an exaggerated thanks, heading to the bathroom to change. The shirt was just large enough to cover his underwear, and when he returned to Yangyang's room, there was hardly any difference between bodies and bed. Taitai was already curled up under the covers, his father lying next to him, so Amari crawled in on the other side and nestled close, making Taitai giggle.

"Now, now, children," Yangyang scolded. "I won't read this if you aren't quiet."

Amari snorted a laugh, then cleared his throat, directing Taitai to hush. After a few moments, the two were calm, and Yangyang started reading. Amari closed his eyes as he listened to the comforting sound, feeling the small body gently breathing beside him, the smells of his two favorite people in the air around him, and he was asleep before the book ended.