Episode 101 - Angelic

Overwhelmed with guilt and exhaustion, Amari couldn't stop crying.

"I feel like... I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I worry about what people'll think, I smile and laugh, I act strong and confident..." He took a few breaths as the tears flowed. "It's too much. Now this... Everything just keeps piling on. And I just wanna say fuck you and frown and ignore people when they speak to me. I don't wanna play nice with stupid fucking parents or cheery fucking teachers. Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult?"

There was quiet, and then Yangyang laughed. Amari pulled his head back, confused, as if he would be able to see his expression.

"You're such'n idiot," he finally slurred out. "I love rude, grumpy A Li."

"Yeah, maybe. But it isn't just you." His tears slowed and he wiped his eyes, then Yangyang's neck. "There's Taitai, and your ma, and Nisa and the other teachers. Miss Julie, your friends... Fuck. Why're there so many people?"

Amari's head was throbbing from the crying and the thinking. A voice screamed at him to stop and sleep, but he forced it away. "I'd die if Taitai hated me. He's never seen the real me."

"Yes he has," Yangyang argued. "Happy, singing you's you too." With a low groan, his chin hung over Amari's shoulder. "Ah, shit. I'm so drunk..."

Amari shifted him sideways, lying him on the bed. "Just go to sleep. We'll talk about it some other time."

Yangyang pulled him down. "Fuck no." His deep voice was almost a growl and his grip on Amari's arms tightened. "You'll run away. We're talkin'... while I'm still awake." Shifting onto his back and spreading his arms and legs out, he took in a long breath. "A Li, Taitai'll only hate you if you leave. I'm a mess, and he loves me."

"Of course he does. You're his ba."

"So're you." Yangyang's growl only grew deeper and it was obvious he was angry. Angry at Amari. "Don't try'n control his feelings. Or anyone else's." He took another breath, letting it out slowly. "I don't give a shit'f people like you. All your family liked you when you were a rude, grumpy, asshole."

Yangyang groaned again, loudly collecting everything he had to overcome the haze of liquor, his anger sobering him a little.

"Y'know what? Fuck you. Don't act like all the smilin' and gigglin's fake just 'cause you feel shitty right now. Don't turn our relationship into that, you selfish piece of shit."

"Uh..." Amari wasn't sure how to react. He had heard Yangyang be angry, but never with him - not like this. He didn't know why, but it was strangely relieving.

"I can't be fuckin' upset?" Yangyang let out a heavy sigh. "How cruel's it to tell the person you love you jus' been actin'? Why? For his kid? Or for him, 'cause he's too fragile to deal with someone else's shit? Fuck that."

Yangyang covered his face with his arm, muffling the sound as he continued. "And how much worse's it when he already fuckin' knows that? That he's been open and weak, while you been holdin' back."

He jolted up suddenly, making Amari jump in surprise. "Ah... I can't talk 'bout this. I'm so fuckin' pissed. And drunk. And pissed." He slid off the bed, staggering into the dresser. "I'm gonna sleep on the couch."

Before Amari could say anything, Yangyang was out the door, slamming it behind him. He listened to the heavy, wobbling footsteps go into the kitchen, then the faucet turned on, filling a glass with water, then the glass dropped loudly into the sink. After a few banging chairs and some cursing, there was a thud, Yangyang collapsing onto the couch.

Amari crawled under his blanket. He knew he should be upset, that what just happened should count as their first real fight. Instead, he found himself smiling selfishly, feeling a peace in his heart he had never felt before.

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Again, Amari woke to his phone vibrating, this time from a notification. He reached around until he found it, unlocking it and playing the message.

'I have to go to work. I'm coming to pick you up Friday morning. We have an appointment. You're not getting out of it.'

There was a brief pause and another message came through.

'I'm still pissed.'

Amari had nothing to say in response, so true to himself, he messaged back a single word.

'Okay.'

He smiled again, then quickly shook the expression off his face. First the incident with Nicky, now this. Maybe he was more sadistic than he realized. He put his sunglasses on and pulled back the corner of the curtain. The sun was already bright. He must have slept well, because it was late and he felt refreshed. Scratching his head, he grabbed a pair of jeans off the floor and slipped them on as he hopped down the hallway.

He tossed the shades into the entryway basket, nodding at the two figures sitting at the kitchen table.

"What did you do to Yangyang last night, hein?" Ziggy sounded curious, but didn't show anything else in his tone.

Amari took a mug and poured himself some coffee. "Why? Did something happen?"

"I woke up this morning and he was passed out on the couch." His friend stood and joined him at the counter. "When I shook him, he swore at me, then jumped up realizing he was late for work. His face was completely red. Angry red, tsé? Then he told me he was coming back Friday morning, so you better be here."

Amari sipped his coffee, not saying anything, and Ziggy poked him in the shoulder. "Ch'te dis, he seemed really angry." Amari smiled and Ziggy pulled back, a little gasp escaping him. "Hein? Did you just smile?"

"No?" He smiled again. "I dunno. I guess it just felt kinda nice? To have Yang ge be so mad at me, instead of clingy and whining."

Ziggy pat him on the back without saying anything more and headed down the hall into the bathroom. Joe tapped on the table, inviting Amari to join him.

"He was really wasted last night. Those girls he was with were sweet though. They all wanted to meet you and were sad you couldn't come."

Amari sighed. "Yeah, I'm sure." He finished his coffee, setting his mug down loudly on the table. "I'm a real fucking prize. Who wouldn't wanna be my friend?"

Heavy palms dropped to the table, followed by breath exhaled in frustration. Despite Joe's size, the sounds were light, but they startled Amari anyway.

"Alright, I can't keep this in anymore. I'm going to tell you something you obviously haven't figured out yet." Joe leaned over the table toward him. From his tone, Amari guessed he had a smirk on his face. "You think these people found you because you needed them or they pitied you, or because they're just really nice. That's bullshit."

Amari turned toward him, furrowing his brow, but he continued anyway. "Sure, they're all nice people. But you have it backwards. You found them because they needed you. Be honest. How many people in the last six years have reached out to you? How many have offered help or tried to give you a job? And just look at you. There's no way there weren't other guys, decent guys, who were interested in you.

"Why only these people then?" Amari's attention went back to his mug, spinning it in his fingers as Joe pressed him. "Maybe you needed someone at that moment, but they needed you too. You like to think you're some terrible person. It's probably easier to deal with your fears that way. But you're a fucking angel. You should just admit it, accept it, and get on with your life."

"You're crazy," he spit back, pushing his chair roughly back to stand. "What part of me's angelic?"

"You think angels don't have issues?" Joe laughed and sipped his coffee. "Despite everything that goes wrong in your life, you still go around trying to save people. That's pretty fucking angelic."

"Who am I saving? I can't even fucking save myself."

Joining Amari, close enough to speak directly into his ear, Joe laughed again. "Bullshit. You just learned that, on top of going blind, you're going to have seizures for the rest of your life. And outside of your excuses, the only real worries you have right now are for the people around you." He paused for a second and stepped away, leaning his back against the counter. "Why did you agree to work for Seungwoo? I know you don't hate him."

"Jesus, does Ziggy tell you everything?"

"Actually, Yangyang told me. That kid needs a friend too." Amari sighed, knowing he didn't actually care who knew about what. "Anyway, I keep thinking about it, and it seems like a weird situation to me. I don't know the details, but you didn't actually need those jobs. It was a lot of money, I'm sure, but not doing anything good. You had a place to sleep and you were getting by. Why start, and why stay?"

Amari shrugged as if it was nothing. "It's not like I had anything better. When you're poor and homeless, any job that pays that kinda money is tempting."

"Nah," Joe said, as if his analysis was unquestionable. "When have you cared about money like that? I bet Seungwoo was desperate. And then you stayed for Minwoo, even when you didn't want to."

"That's fucking ridiculous." Amari pushed past the man toward the hall. "I didn't even know Seungwoo. Why would I give a shit about him? And Minwoo's the reason I left."

"Yeah, after the kid convinced you to. After everything he did, you cared enough about your relationship with that man to let him beat the shit out of you. Then you still reached out to him later, with no hesitation." Joe sighed, then chuckled in his normal, cheerful way. "Well, whatever. It's been bothering me, so I had to say it. You believe what you want. But I've spent most of my life around fucked up people and I think I'm right. You don't start a relationship with someone unless they need you more than you need them. And you leave as soon as that changes and you become a burden. Which is why you're feeling selfish and guilty right now."

Amari turned back, scowling now. "You're stepping over the line, old man. Don't think you fucking know me."

Nothing Joe said was wrong and it made Amari want to hate him. He wasn't an angel, that was absurd, but the man was right about his relationships. He wasn't looking to save anyone, but there was no reason to get involved with someone who didn't need him. He grew up always needing someone, someone who never came, and it was a shitty position to be in. It was better to be the one giving, and if that became too much, it was better to be the one leaving.

But now he needed and wanted. Life kept making him weaker and more dependent. It had been a long time since he was in that kind of relationship, and it was terrifying.

"I was desperate too." Amari halted partway down the hall at the words. "Do you know how many singers I've given my card to in the last ten years? Zero. And now my life is so much better, just from meeting you."

Amari swallowed his anger but didn't turn to look at him. "Whatever," he mumbled.

"Hey. You know Friday is Valentine's Day, right?" Joe called it out casually, but Amari flinched. "Oh. Guess not."