Episode 102 - Love and Hate

"What are you doing?" Yangyang asked, waiting impatiently at the front door of the apartment. "We're going to be late for our appointment."

Amari frowned, smoothing down his mustard-colored sweater. Was it only a coincidence that today was Valentine's Day? Maybe Yangyang hadn't remembered either. He couldn't ask and admit he had forgotten.

"Why can't you tell me where we're going?" He grabbed a dark green coat, faux fur surrounding the hood, and pulled it on. There was no response. Amari shoved his keys and wallet roughly into his pocket, then slipped his sunglasses on and covered his head with the hood. "I fucking hate surprises."

"Stop. I already know that isn't true." Taking his hand before he could waste any more time, Yangyang pulled him out of the apartment. Amari could only quickly wave back at Ziggy and Joe before flying down the stairs.

He was shoved into a cab and Yangyang gave the driver his directions. "Wait," Amari said, hearing the address. "We're going to the hospital?"

"Yeah." Yangyang paid the driver upfront and then slouched back in the seat.

Amari felt his face and wondered if he looked sick. "I feel okay. Are you sick?" He reached out to feel Yangyang's face, but had his hand swiped away. "You're still angry?"

Grumbling incoherently, Yangyang shifted to look out the window. He seemed angrier than when he was drunk. Was it so terrible for Amari to want to hide his insecurities? To look strong in front of the people he loved? He had never been someone to be so open about those things before, so how could Yangyang expect him to be now?

They rode in silence until they reached the hospital, and Yangyang pulled Amari from the cab.

"I'm not gonna run away. You don't need drag me along."

"I'm not letting go until we get there." There didn't seem to be any anger in Yangyang's voice, but he was definitely not pleased either.

Amari was pulled through the main lobby to the elevator, up a few floors, then down a long corridor to an office. As they entered, he immediately recognized the place, but couldn't understand why Yangyang would bring him there.

"You're here," welcomed the familiar voice of an older man from across the room. "Good. Go ahead and shut the door, then have a seat."

"Doc?" Amari asked as Yangyang pushed him toward the long couch. "Why're we here? Did you bring me to be psychoanalyzed?"

Yangyang sat down next to him with a huff. "It's not like you don't need it." Amari could only roll his eyes and suppress a smirk at the childish tone.

"Would you like some tea before we start? You two seem like you could use something calming." They refused the offer, so the older man sat across from them. "Well, let's go ahead and start then. Yangyang seems anxious to talk."

"Wait, wait," Amari interrupted, waving his hands. "Can someone tell me why I'm here first?" He turned toward Yangyang, but received no explanation.

The therapist chuckled. "Apparently this wasn't a mutual decision. Which is fine, since you're both my patients. We can call it pre-marital counseling. But I can't force you to stay."

"Both?" Amari turned to Yangyang again. When he didn't get a response, he punched him in the arm. "What the fuck? You've been going to counseling too?"

"Can't I? You're not the only fucked up one in this relationship." Yangyang groaned in frustration. "It's a personal thing. I didn't think I needed to tell you."

"I told you! I'm kinda upset you kept it a secret."

Yangyang stomped a foot down and leaned closer. "Because you're a fucking angel and don't ever keep secrets?"

At the word 'angel,' Amari let out a snort, unable to forget his conversation with Joe.

::Fucking ridiculous.::

"Why is that funny?" Yangyang asked, his anger rising again, and Amari shook his head. He was about to rub his arm out of habit, but pulled back.

"No, that's not..." He sighed, unable to explain. "It's just something Joe said earlier this week. It's not related."

The therapist cleared his throat to get their attention. "So, to explain for Amari's benefit, the reason you're here today is to play a kind of game called 'love and hate'. It isn't really a game, but you will each take turns saying something you love or hate about the other."

Amari could only blink and stare blankly across the office. It was like he had entered his worst nightmare. A nightmare his own words and actions had started. A nightmare he knew he couldn't avoid any longer.

"It's something I suggested to Yangyang a while ago," the older man continued, unfazed by Yangyang's pouting and Amari's cool distance. "I'm glad he finally agreed to it. It doesn't seem like you two ever fight. It's okay to be upset sometimes. Being madly in love is wonderful, but you both have insecurities and fears, and it's better to talk things out instead of bottling them up."

Amari groaned and sagged into the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. "Yeah, I guess that's true."

"Happy Valentine's Day," Yangyang muttered, sarcastic and bitter.

"Wow. Okay, well, if we're gonna be like that, then I'll go first." Amari pointed toward Yangyang, wiping any expression from his face. "I love this angry version of Yang ge. He's never been so stubborn and pushy during the day. I thought he could only be aggressive in bed."

"Are you being sarcastic? You sound serious, but why would you say something like that?

"I am serious." Amari looked away with a huff. "I like aggressive in the bedroom and I kinda like it this way too. You're always so sweet and adorable, and you never get angry with me. I mean, fuck - you found out I secretly called my old crime boss, who I did terrible things for, who put me in the hospital, and thought I'd asked him and his friends to help me go beat the shit out of someone.

"Normal people get angry over that, but you were just worried something would happen to me." Amari sighed and slouched a little more. "Getting mad at you'd be the same as kicking a fucking puppy."

"What the fuck," Yangyang replied, but Amari could tell his tone was already a little lighter. "Alright. I hate when you say things like that."

There was a pause and the therapist coaxed Yangyang to elaborate.

"You're always so direct. Even if I got angry, it's not satisfying. How can you easily say to someone who's mad that you like it? That you're glad, because otherwise they're too sweet." He groaned in frustration. "What am I supposed to do with that? Should I continue to be angry, knowing it's what you want? Or go back to being sweet, hoping it might piss you off?"

"You should do whatever the fuck you want!" Amari spit back. "Jesus. I hate that you always overthink everything. I get it. I'm a shit-storm of mixed signals. But seriously, are you still scared I'm gonna leave? You hurt me, broke up with me, and I sang you fucking love songs and told you I'd wait for you."

He paused, staring out into the room for a moment. "Okay. I did disappear for three months... But I told you, and only you, that I was coming back. And everything I did was for us. I told my family about us first, I told everyone about us. I proposed to you even after your ma caught us making out in the spare room, and I stood up for you every time she wanted to give you 'tough love.' Which I think's bullshit, by the way. And I was there when Taitai announced to the world that we're gonna get married."

Amari took in a deep breath and exhaled, trying to let the heat drain from his face.

"Sometimes I need time to figure shit out, but I'm pretty fucking committed to this, so why do you still act like I'm not?"

"Because of that. Everything you just said was about you. 'I' this and 'I' that. It isn't fucking about you. You're part of a family now. You want me to trust you, but you don't trust me or Taitai. You can be committed, but we should be committed. Together."

There was a deep gutteral vibrating from Yangyang's chest, almost growling to release his frustration, the things he'd wanted to say for who knows how long now rushing to the surface.

"Everything has to be done on your own, like it's only you, and this is just one more thing you have to handle. One more person to take care of and one more relationship to carefully manage, so you don't burden anyone. I hate that just because I wear my heart on my sleeve, you treat me like I'm weak. Like I wouldn't be able to support you the way you support me."

"Yeah, well... I hate that too."