Desperation

Every day I woke up with the same feeling, I hadn't been able to move for weeks on end and my body was now anxious to exercise to regain the strength I had lost. Yet every time I wished to do so I was directed back to bed by the healer that was keeping an eye on me. So in the end I requested to be given battle reports to pass the time whilst I was in bed, at least I'd be doing something helpful. At first the notion was denied since they didn't know who I was and were rather wary of my circumstances, after I revealed that I was a Knight in Training... or rather close enough to becoming a full fledged Knight and was a part of The Hullmfald Ruts, they gave in and gave me a book filled with re-written battle reports.

Some of the reports dated months before the siege on Forsberg Castle, some taking place on the mountains that lay between Holmfeld and Branevos, there was some skirmishing going on along the coast with some naval combat happening deep into the Weeping Ocean. Through every report I read, I began to realise how fast we were losing. Being pushed in on all sides by every nation on the continent and with some of the High Council members (a group of lords who act as advisors to the Emperor) asking for a white peace, things looked incredibly dire. I continued to read forwards, and found a battle that happened a week ago, just before I woke up.

The battle entailed an extremely outnumbered Hullmfald Ruts against an army twice its size, the report went on to state the objective was to hold the border crossing between Holmfeld and Hargek in the east. Incredibly outnumbered most if not all of the Hullmfald Ruts were wiped out, as along the road they were ambushed by scouts who used hit and run tactics till the group reached the border, where the reports that an equivalent amount of soldiers lay in front of them was found to be decisively incorrect. The Hargek army had showed up in force and thrust its spear through the Ruts, the Captain dying to a volley of arrows whilst the Hargekian soldiers pincered most of the squad who did not retreat. It then went on to list the known casualties and missing, the list went on and on hundreds lost to the war, then I reached his name. Relund Jolsk had perished in the battle, cause of death was blood loss after losing his arm in a fight.

I sat for a moment, shocked, my heart slowing itself as it sank ever deeper into my body, then a sudden pain in my chest as I tried to hold back my tears. Then eventually the dam burst, we couldn't talk all that much but even then his calmness and understanding nature had helped me through a lot of my first few months at the school. Wiping away my tears I quickly scanned through the book looking for other names of my roommates. Scanning through the dead for Phyora and Caleo, eventually finding out neither had been killed, then yet again I found another name, under missing in action was Caleo Yhan. Phyora had remained off both lists which brought me hope to eventually meet up with her at a later date. Yet the little hope turned to desperation, I needed someone I knew, I had to have someone to lean on now, my will to go further into this war and occupation was starting to dwindle. Losing so much to gain very little felt more like a punishment for crimes I had yet to commit rather than an act of war.

As time went on I decided to fall asleep again and during that slumber I imagined Relund's death and then yet again all the faces and voices of those who had died in front of me came flooding back in. I tried to wake from this one but it felt like I couldn't it was almost as if it was completely real, I finally broke free and awoke in the middle of the night with something weighing me down. I looked to the right of me and the pale man stood there with a sword pointing straight down into my chest, and then he thrust it into my body over and over, I wriggled around at the sheer thought of it but I felt no pain. Then finally I awoke fully my body shaking, a cold sweat dripping from every pore on my face. I looked around me and it was still day, everything I had experienced was just in my head. My breathing had became quite heavy and I slowly tried to recover it before I could pass out again.

Everything in the room around me began spinning, my mind started feeling numb and slowly I myself felt as if I was spinning constantly. My eyes struggling to stay open as I quickly fainted, my body fell side wards and out of the bed onto the cold stone floor. The healer and one other hurried over to me and helped me back onto the bed and began to check on me, first getting a wet cloth and placing it on my forehead. The temperature of my head was much like the embers off a fire, slowly I began to open my eyes, on the side of my head trickled some blood that was being quickly wiped away by a helper. For the rest of the day I lay in the bed getting tended to and slowly I began to regain myself.

A week later I was up on my feet again, but the nightmares continued ever fierce, yet as they kept happening I started getting used to them, beginning to understand them a little. Regardless of that though, I still would awake in the same way, to the pale man stabbing me over and over and then finally waking like usual. Slowly I began to get back to training my skills, every morning I would head out after check ups and jog around the Lord's manor estate, I would travel through the garden and down beside a small stream that cut through the grounds. The garden was filled with roses that had red petals tipped with white. I would do a couple laps around the estate, which was quite large.

When I began feeling much better with my body, I slowly moved on to adding strength training to my day, I would begin to jog down into a small village about a mile from the estate and help the millers move bags of flour and grain, whilst also going around helping them as much as I could. Yet mentally I felt too drained to work on my magic, out of the fear that I'd lose control again due to all the emotions floating around in my head. Then about a month later I felt as if I was ready to head back to the capital and began preparing for my journey back.

I quickly began packing the clothes that I had been given kindly by the lord who offered me a carriage for my travel back. Humbled I accepted his offer and ended up on a gravel road in a carriage on the way back to the capital. On the way back it seemed as if the country had been left out of the war and was at peace, people carried on with their daily duties and acted as if nothing had been happening. I felt at peace knowing there was a place that can be unaffected by war, a place where I'd hope to possibly live in when this is all done.

Yet as I returned to the capital, everything I had saw changed, people in the streets begging, guards dispersing large crowds of protesters that gathered upon the stairs to the citadel. Everything was a mess, everyone was desperate for something. This war had only just begun and yet it looked as if it had been raging for generations.