Chapter 13

The pained expression returns to his face, making it difficult for me to continue being stubborn. My heart twists to know that I have caused this decline in his mood that a few moments ago, palpably shone with accessibility to start an open conversation about his interest. I play with my hands, I cannot deny that his merciless and raw scrutiny enervates my senses and my anxiety shoots almost to the limit; it had been observed before, but not so overwhelmingly and sharply, it let out the contained air that I have been uselessly holding, as if it needed to float after that.

–In that case, let me call you by your name too– I propose trying to make my voice sound as natural as possible, but I fail instantly since my clear nervousness is denoted

His expression softens just a little, until it adopts the normal, the neutral, the diplomatic one. And although I've only been with him for a short time, that gesture on the part of him that doesn't denote much doesn't help me relax, quite the contrary, it manages to frustrate me in a way that I don't even hope to admit, but I end up doing it. At some point in my eternal and disguised scrutiny of his outlined features, I find myself wanting to take him by the shoulders and shake him by the same until I can perceive a glimpse of anything, however small, in those icy gestures that seem something intrinsic to himself. My hands itch to make him change his expression, his face is so hermetic, however, his gaze expresses what he does not dare to say, in my opinion, I am just there, waiting for his consent and a response to me, rather, requirement.

–We are the same age, I hope it doesn't bother you– he expresses very sure of himself

-So Majes- –I stop immediately and clear my throat with a subtle throat clearing, his little act of presence is completely destroying the little calm I got this last week– I mean, what kind of books have you read?– curious to know if she knows at least a little of what is trending in today's society

And I include myself in that factor, not explicitly. But earlier, a couple of months ago, even weeks ago, I found out how naive I was on the subject of marriage. I used to read books like these until recently, believing only sweet fantasies just painted on my head like a silly baby. I frown, then snort in disgust, a grimace of irritation on my face almost overshadowing all my initial nervousness, as if my thoughts have replaced the fact that the King is here and sees me completely engulfed in the dense expression that my face is showing.

–Is everything okay?– he inquires cautiously, his thin lips tighten in a flat line waiting for my answer.

The rational part of me agrees with myself that it is a serious fault to be so close to someone I hardly know, especially because I am still committed; but of course, the sentimental part is carried away by rage and the ice bucket of bewilderment that has been poured over me, remembering my aspirations so devoid of emotion. Is the Travis Montgomery deal the one he was craving for all this excited time? Bah! How to be dumb in one step? I could explain it without blinking.

I laugh in a bitter way –It's nothing important. From a week ago until now I feel that I lived deceived all the time thinking that the life of a noble woman after getting married is perfect. The truth is very far from it– I clench my hands and jaw in a clear gesture of disapproval

His expression also noticeably tense. He, as king and sovereign is aware of everything around himself. At some point he will notice that the laws are not exactly fair at this point in noble society today, nor that there is anyone willing to obey them for the sake of keeping the people under his command. They are busier measuring how much profit they will make from some product or who to bribe to get their land.

Majesty has remained in resounding silence, a rather heavy shadow settles in his eyes when hearing my words, however, as fast as the shadow sneaks into his irises, tormenting so quickly it dissipates, fully regaining his composure but not relaxing his expression. I wave my hands in the air to show that everything is fine; I urge him to continue the comment that I postponed because of my ignorance and naivety.

–As I was saying, most of the books that I have read or read so far have been on history and economics. Nothing more relevant than that– he explains very seriously

I almost want to laugh. However, it would be very impolite because it is evident that this young man has spent his entire life preparing to succeed his father on the throne. And he's admirable in some way, in another, it's more like an obligation to fulfill.

Surely he didn't have time for trifles. My mind pricks guilty with thoughts and images from my childhood, taking out every bit of drama. I can almost hear my conscience, whispering behind me, that my tantrums and my melancholy when discovering the truth behind my illusions is nothing compared to what he has gone through to become the young man who is standing in front of me, with an unpolluted look , impenetrable and the bearing of a man who has no idea how to laugh at a simple joke.

What you tolerated is nothing compared to that. Stop complaining so much.

As if it were a slap, an electric current runs through my entire body, soon I am tipsy and restless hearing what my opposite is trying to tell me, I end up staring at him without caring about his penetrating gaze, just to narrow down something very obvious but ignored by him.

–That is certainly not the interest of the ladies right now.– I cover my mouth with a small giggle.

–What then? My mother was a very cultured woman– he frowns

I sigh, remembering the princess of the Autumn Realm with some suspicion.

–Most are interested in jewelry or a high position. Others, they just want pleasures– I explain looking to the side with a look nothing more than irritation at that fact.

–What kind of pleasures?– his question has become a demand that I don't know how to answer.

How to tell him about the pleasures that prevail among the young people of today's noble society? They are more corrupted by their own parents than by their own choices, however, in my opinion, everyone does what they want.

–You mean the situation between the daughter of the Autumnal Kingdom and your fiancé?– he spits with disdain –I don't find it pleasant to hide to be with someone else.

The deduction of him leaves me somewhat cold, since he talks about it as if it were something very normal for him. I can't even imagine the kind of conversation he must have heard from the nobles of his country.

So, he just wanted to make sure what I was saying.

–Those kind of women use dirty methods to attract men– I raise my eyebrows

–Women are even more dangerous than men– he says.

–Some of them are too ... – I pause –however, a few still have a sense of integrity to themselves. I assure you that the conceited women are always like that because they have too many suitors.

He nods.

–How should I treat her? She can be seen from leagues that she is not like the aforementioned– his eyes fill with a strange glow when looking at me but he remains so calm and so expressionless that it is difficult to name what I see in his penis, gray almost translucent

–I'm sure you've chosen someone admirable, so you can start by showing subtle concern for her, maybe?– I tilt my head.

–Concern?– at last his brow frowns slightly.

–Like what you did with me. You let me visit the gardens, you sent me snacks and a coat.

–That ... was it to your liking?– he inquires with scrutiny.

–Yes, it was a generous gesture on your part. Not as a king but as a man; She may like that, or you may just invite her for a carriage ride– I offer

Nathaniel listens to everything I speak very attentively, from time to time he makes comments or offers small smiles.

–What about you, Elijah? Where would you like to go?– his question takes me by surprise.

–Well. I like to ride a horse, to go to the night market in town. Things like that– I answer

–Elijah, you are simpler than you see– his laugh takes me by surprise

–W-Well ... I'm not allowed to do many things, so ... ah, I also like to learn fencing.

–But ... is that a hobby for boys? Your parents sure complain about it– he says

I look down.

–My mother says that growing the flowers in the greenhouse is a job for servants… so I come here in secret– I caress the leather cover of the book that I take from a shelf that I created myself

–Did you grow all the plants?

–Not all of them, the big cedar that is there. It has been here for a long time, in fact, this place was abandoned, but I have been setting it up over time.– I say a little less self-conscious

–It's very beautiful.– he murmurs, admiring the surroundings.

The appreciation of him is well taken. However, as in the last few days, I begin to mentally control myself not to say something disrespectful.

•Nathaniel's POV•

I came because he was curious about her, but she certainly has unexpected sides. I don't really understand what she talks about feelings; but I would like to understand.

Maybe feel them too?

I spent too much time alone after mother died so I forgot what it is like, what feelings are like.

-It hurts?

Elijah says it because I've been silently staring at my hand.

"Maybe he's bored ... it's not that I'm very good at talking to others and more to a man"

The thoughts of her throb with a sweet voice in my mind, like a lullaby.

–Elijah.– I call her name still in my thoughts

–Yes?

–Are feelings so important to be with someone?– I ask confused

–Yes! Of course. When there is no feeling for someone, no matter how long you are with that person, you cannot bear it. You can only see someone else, you would not be motivated to do something meaningful.

–Something significant?

–Couples who love each other respect each other. They are supportive and comfortable with each other, and no matter how much time they spend together, they don't get tired. That in case you want a serious relationship as your goal– finish by adding as a clarification

–Is it because they love each other, right? I think I can understand it a bit.

She laughs. Her red hair is blown away by a gust of wind blowing through one of the greenhouse windows.

The light is hitting her back so her hair is even more striking as are her eyes. She is just gorgeous, no one could deny it.

–That is not something you can only understand by hearing it .. you must feel it– she puts a hand on his chest

–How do I experience that?–

she tucks a lock behind her ear, with a very soft smile, her cheeks slightly flushed.

–First you must know well who catches your attention– she replies

–And later?

–It is not something immediate .. as you get to know her you will start to feel something here– touch her chest again

"He is like a child"

The thought of her makes me a little funny, yeah, maybe I'm being annoying asking this kind of question.

–Maybe after a while, when you see her, you will feel that she seems prettier to you. Or your heart will race when you take her hand; you want to spend more time with her or if something bad happens to her, you want to make her feel safe– announce

I clench my fists.

It's similar to what I felt when she was attacked by that bastard. I was so angry at that moment that if I could only have taken her away from him, I would have been satisfied.

And right now, I'm too aware of her in this place. Her hair, her smiles, her kind gestures, the fact that she agreed to be with me despite the rumors, and also her honest opinion of her.

There is no filter on her thoughts.

–You're like a child, Nathaniel.– she says with a big smile.

Involuntarily a little smile escapes me. She said my name, I thought she was too scared to say it.

–Wow, that unusual.– her voice is heard with a clear tone of amusement and impression at the same time

–What is it?– I say

–Your eyes have lit up a lot. It's the first time I've seen it, it's unexpected.– laughs

Knock Knock.

The time is over. It would be nice to enjoy more free time like this. Tristan on the other side of the door indicates to me that it is time to leave. The little attempt at a trace of a smile, it fades from my features as quickly as it came; there is still a lot of work to do.