Finding

I don’t know how long I stared. The white ceiling had become my companion and the big chandelier my friend. I liked where I was right now, numb and peaceful.

I was scared to move, scared that if I moved, the pain would find its way back to me.

Without much thinking I already knew where I was – Gabe’s house.

I stayed put relief washing over me bringing a coolness that pushed the heat that had taken over my senses.

I still needed to stand up from here so I did.

Reluctantly, I wiggled my toes, then worked my jaw, squeezed my hand, then the other. I stopped mid-squeeze when I found myself squeezing calloused hands. I looked to the side and sure enough Gabe was there sleeping peacefully, my hand in his. I didn’t know what to make of the gesture. I just kept looking studying the way his eyebrows were furrowed together, his lips were parted, his eyelashes short but full giving him a surreal appearance.

Someone my dreams cannot come up with. I looked away when his eyes started to twitch and his hand squeezed mine not wanting him to catch me ogling him.

“how do you feel?” he asked his voice raspy with sleep.

“better” I replied my heart beating faster.

“can you move?”

“I think so” I answered.

To make a point, I stood up and sat on the bed. His hands still clutched mine tightly and he made his way over to the bed and sat beside me.

“what happened to me?” I asked my voice laced with desperation. His gaze dropped and his lips were pursed.

“you were being penetrated”

“penetrated?”. My mind started to wander trying to look for answers.

“apparently, someone wanted to enter your mind”.

“why?” I asked.

He sighed “that is what I don’t know”.

“do you have some sort of theory?”.

“well, people penetrate to see thoughts, to see memories, to get intentions, and to plant ideas”.

I decided to take advantage of his openness today and get as many information as I could get.

“plant ideas” I repeated.

“what does that mean?”

“the human mind is a like a book with several writings. Some in the past- memories, some in the present-intentions, and some in the future-thoughts.

Secrets are buried in books the same way as secrets are buried in the mind. To pry into a person’s mind is like reading a book.

Evil and good use it alike to get what they want. The former more vicious and the other subtle".

“do you think something evil was trying to get into my mind?”

“I don’t think I know” he said his face somber.

“the last and the worst one is planting ideas”. Agony flashed through his face but it disappeared as quickly as it came.

“it starts with a harmless thought, then slowly builds up until it’s the very thing that drives you”. A dark look passed across his features and for a moment I thought he was going to up and leave but he continued.

“evil uses you as a puppet, you take the backseat while they take the front seat”.

“I have never been as scared as I was today, when you were in pain. Not even when…” he paused as if catching himself before he said something.

He turned to me and worry was etched on his face. “you asked me to cut your head off Tamar”.

“you were ready to break open your head and it was the most agonizing thing to watch. At least, I wasn’t there when….”. He stopped himself again.

I wanted to press him for more information but I decided against it.

Silence fell upon the room and he rubbed soothing circles at the back of my hand leaving a path of goosebumps. Fire exploded in me but I tried my best to keep it in check, he probably didn’t know what he was doing. His mind was somewhere else.

“I need to know what is happening to me Gabe, after all that I think I have the right to know”.

He nodded. Another round of silence engulfed the room and I held my breath wondering if he was going to finally tell me something, anything.

“Tamar, do you believe in the supernatural”

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You may think I finally got some answers but no, Gabe just flooded me with books. I didn’t mind though I liked reading or so I thought.

All the books were just about entries of different wars and the were some of the most boring pieces I had ever read. I still read them though, even if sometimes I wanted to give up. I guess my curiosity took over my need for entertainment.

I took them with me everywhere. Work, school, my special place and at home. I was going to find out one way or the other what was wrong with me and if this is the best way then so be it.

I looked around the hallway of Rin high looking for one person but he was nowhere to be seen. I sent texts, called and even tried chatting him up but it fell on deaf ears. I wondered why he was avoiding me, as far as I was concerned, I was the one meant to do the avoiding.

This time he was not going to run away from me. I was going to find him one way or the other. I went to the one place he would probably be at -the nurse’s office.

Bumping through sweaty bodies and hormonal teenagers, I finally reached my destination. The door creaked open and he was there sitting down on the lone chair. Doing whatever geeks do on his laptop.

“George” I called.

He looked up and his eyes locked with mine. He abruptly stood up causing his mouse to fall to the floor. He hurried to pick it up, it slipped again and he picked it up again.

He was panicking and what I didn’t understand was why he was this frantic.

“it just k... keeps slipping” he stuttered.

I looked at him an eyebrow raised.

“so… how are you”? he said looking very uncomfortable.

A smile threatened to break out on my face I had never seen this side of him and even if I did, it was always directed to a girl he liked or a scary teacher.

I faked a sad face.

“not fine actually” I said shaking my head from side to side.

“imagine the shocked feeling I got when my best friend came to school and I didn’t get a hi or hello”

“I didn’t thin…” he stopped himself, calmed down then breathed. “I didn’t think you wanted to see me”.

“my texts, calls and chats said so?” I put my hands on my head in mock surprise.

“I I… didn’t know how to face you after uhm…” he stopped

“kissed me” I finished for him.

His face turned red and suddenly his gaze found the floor. I didn’t know why but I was enjoying smooth and relaxed George become all flustered and embarrassed.

As far as geek guys go, he was popular. At least popular enough to attract affection from tons of girls who liked a guy with glasses, smart and a little athletic (referring to his dodge ball glory days).

“I don’t know Gabe I was miserable today without my very own knight”

He smiled probably remembering the days we used to play princess stories. I smiled too at the sight of his smile.

“I thought the princess picked up her own fighting skills” he said more at ease now.

‘she did, but her knight will always be her knight”.

“I missed you” he said quietly.

“I missed you too”.

He moved forward a determined look on his face.

“I am sorry Tamar. What I did was stupid I put a strain on our friendship without thinking”. He closed his eyes as if collecting himself and continued.

“I swear I don’t like you or anything it was just in the spur of the moment”

“ouch” I grimaced.

“that was harsh” I said fake glaring at him.

“do you forgive me?”

My hands lightly tapped my cheek as if I was thinking.

“hmmm I don’t know. You did steal the first kiss of the princess herself”.

He smiled, the smile that I knew him with. the genuine, George smile.

“but then a kind heart is a brave one so…”

“he didn’t wait for me to finish then suddenly, I was in his arms.

“thank you thank you so much” and just like that, he started showing me what he was working on for the past few days.

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I was about giving up.

the number of wars that had wormed its way into my head were numerous.

The napoleon war, the French war, world war II, world war I and many others. Soon, the wars dwindled and the next that followed were entries of people that I did not know about. They all looked insignificant at first glance but when I started to look deeper, they all had one thing in common – dreams.

One way or the other, they all had dreams that meant something that I still couldn’t understand.

One particular entry stood out to me. The rawness of it was enticing and the simplicity was almost overwhelming. it cemented an inevitable conclusion – the wickedness of the human race.

“my thirst for knowledge, was what brought me here. This underground chamber secluded from the prying eyes of the law was where I found myself. I wanted to see for myself, hear for myself what convicted people to die and to live a life filled with misery or so I thought.

My curiosity was like a mindless burden that followed me everywhere beckoning trouble and pain to my life but that’s the thing I didn’t care.

The 12 or so they call them were reputable men who had given up their lives for a calling I may never understand. I watched the way they spoke with such conviction that rattled me to my bones.

The rumors started slow and steady until the dam broke and the flood evaded my life.

As the forgotten son of an aristocrat I had no time for any other thing apart from the scrolls that followed me everywhere.

My wife, a girl with noble blood with a selfish perspective to life left without turning back. My family paid me no heed they never did.

the carpenter at Lydia was the proof that my peculiarity was only truth. I felt it the darkness that surrounded him then it graduated to something more sinister. Black wisps surrounded him and his aura gave a dark outlook. It became more prominent until I could differentiate between good and evil with the back of my mind.

I finally came to the dreadful conclusion that in a world created for humans, other beings existed. Demons they call them walking undetected among us but they were others that I could not place - present but rare.

The time was here I was going to be killed for my faith and I was ready but what mattered to me was that HE called me HIS.

The last words were boldly written in roman. It clicked I had seen these words before but now the problem was what did they mean.

I found a deep connection to this man who appeared to be everything he was not meant to be, just like me, in a messed-up way.

His peculiarity was what distinguished him from other people, his perspective a puzzle to society.

What changed then? As far as we know there are other people with a little bit of weirdness heck everybody has that weird streak on them.

I breathed deeply as the answer crawled into my mind. It was a simple logic actually -he saw what no one saw.

“I did not know the wall was so interesting”

I turned to find Gabe striding towards me with slow and deliberate steps.

My stomach did those flip things it always did when he was in close proximity.

“yeah”

he looked at me with a confused expression. My words finally caught up with me and I said a quick no.

I took a deep breath and began to talk.

“no. there. Is. Nothing. on. The. Wall”. I answered taking unnecessary pauses between my words to give me a confidence boost.

He nodded, a weird expression on his face.

“I should leave” I began to pick up my bags preparing for work.

“mama p’s?”

“yeah” I answered.

“okay then I am driving you”

“you really shouldn’t…” I trailed off when my protests were cut short. Gabe had picked up the keys and was probably waiting for me outside. I sighed and went after him.

He had been doing this all week. Asking me to come to his house anytime I was free and taking me to the restaurant right after.

I did nothing new except to read more and more books while he was somewhere in the house doing only God knows what then, popping up at random times to “check up on me” and afterwards, leaving me all flustered and developing desires I shouldn’t.

There was no doubt, I found him attractive. No, attractive isn’t the word more like unearthly beautiful. I doubt he found me attractive enough for him. I was probably the most ungraceful, unlady-like lady he had ever met but I didn’t miss the intense looks he gave me all week or the unashamedly way he will stare at me – my lips mostly- and when I coughed or made a sound, he will look at me with no remorse passing through his features then he will top it up with a smirk and walk out.

“you’ve still not told me anything very useful”

He turned to me and gave me that damn smirk

“so, you have not learned anything new”.

I turned away from him wanting to be able to think.

Of course, I learnt a dozen new things, I may not want to admit it but I did, but only one stuck out to me.

“Claudius” I said slowly turning to him.

He nodded understanding passing through his face.

“he was the first of our kind”

I should have asked anything, said anything even shut up but I couldn’t help it I just blurted it out.

“our?” I asked my eyes wide and my heart beating in anticipation for his answer.

The car slowed to a stop and the worn-out sign of the restaurant came into view. Mama P stood outside fixing -well trying to fix- some of the broken banners and decorations outside the shop.

“you should go”

I turned to him annoyance probably dripping from me right now. I was getting closer and he was pushing me away again.

Somehow, I knew that the sentence was a mistake because suddenly his guard was up and his emotions a puzzle.

“answer me” I said loudly my voice holding a level of impatience.

He got out of the car and walked over to my side, that would have been a gentlemanly move but I read the hidden meaning out of the gesture, he wanted me to leave his car.

The car door jerked open and I looked up at him with a very angry expression. I was angry at him, why did he have to do this every time.

The circle we were running around in was getting bigger and bigger.

I was angry about my dreams for ever happening at all, all those weird stuffs, all the headaches and don’t get me started on my emotions but most of all I was angry at myself for always letting this happen.

I squeezed my hands tightly around the bag I was holding trying to rein in some of this anger.

“I deserve to know, you got into my head, I almost got attacked, I almost died from pains that I didn’t know existed and you still won’t tell me”.

I was shouting but I didn’t care and normally I would but he brings out intense emotions that I didn’t think I could feel.

“are you sworn to secrecy or what?”

“oh! I get it you want to protect something, or is it someone”.

His jaw clenched and unclenched while his hands were fists at his sides but somehow, he still managed to keep a blank expression.

“I chose to believe you, to come to your home, to continue to be in contact because I thought maybe just maybe my messed-up, jumbled, complicated life could have a meaning, a clear purpose” I said the last part a little softer.

“but you are adamant, refusing to tell me what I have every right to know”

“some things are better left unsaid” he answered in his vague Gabe style.

“really?, I don’t think so because words unspoken could kill. Have a nice life”.

And with that, I stepped around him and moved towards the restaurant with a very confused Mama P standing and watching us carefully.