CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?

I ring the doorbell and transfer my weight to the right leg.

Lily opens up soon after and she looks at my dishevelled state with blinking confusion.

I take her in for a hug and she pats my back gently. I exhale heavily and close my eyes. I feel unbearably tired.

She sits me down, and passes a glass of water with a chocolate bar. I rub my fingers on my temple with a sigh and Lily waits patiently, letting me finish.

“What happened?” I look up to find a concerned pair of eyes. This is going to be a long night.

I narrate everything to her and she sits, listening, all the whole holding my hand softly.

“So that’s pretty much it.”

“I suggest you get some sleep.” She gets up and makes her way towards the kitchen when I speak up to have her halt in her tracks.

“Are you still mad at me?” She turns with a small, defeated smile and nothing aches me more than to see that right now. Fight me, Lil, but not- this.

“You know I can’t, right?”

“Tomorrow at school- I’m going to say no, Lil.” I notice her sighing, but she doesn’t get angry or frustrated.

“I know, Alanna. At the end of the day, it is your decision after all. I wanted something for my best friend and she didn’t want it for herself so, I don’t think there’s much I can do. I’m sorry for submitting your name before asking- I just thought I knew you better.”

She walks back up to the kitchen and I just watch her bring me a bowl of water with a clean cloth, and then her retreating back towards her room.

I look down at my hands, barely holding back the lump in my throat.

“Oh and Alanna -“ I raise my head and see a standing Lily, holding the door to her room.

“-you haven’t changed nearly as much you think that you have. Today proved it. And I’m really glad about that.”

She closes her door gently and I feel a lone tear escape. I would’ve taken her yelling over this, any time. But not, when she calls me Alanna. I feel an inexplicable tug at my conscience and I feel absolutely terrible.

I grab the keys to the apartment and walk out the door.

And I will be there. Always, Alanna. Even tomorrow.

No go on. Tell me that you don’t like the way I’m breathing.

Dear, dear. I was so looking forward to seeing you as the chairperson. It is of course your decision, though I can’t deny I am disappointed.

Da-n, let m-e go.

Well I guess that could be the first in a line of things you might change as chairperson.

Alanna, stay out of it.

That was stupid, Alanna . What were you even thinking? But then right, when do you ever?

You haven’t changed nearly as much you think that you have. Today proved it. And I’m really glad about that.

I let out an exhausted sigh and bring my hands from my pockets to rub my face tiredly. I look around to find myself walking along an unknown road along the river Mersey. I must have been walking since long.

I grip the cold iron railing and watch the twinkling moving water pass by, in the dead silence.

I feel a shoulder brush mine, ever so lightly. I tense up briefly before turning to find a familiar pair of eyes, though ones I had least expected to meet.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” I whisper slowly as my voice cuts through the serene silence.

“Stunning.” He continues to look forward and I never thought we’d agree on something, for once in our lives.

He looks the same breathtaking himself, his signature fragrance filling the air around me and I notice his bruised knuckles that hold the railing. A grey jacket hangs on him over his white crumpled t-shirt.

And for once, I’m not annoyed at his company.

“Alanna, I can never thank you enough. Nathaniel told me.”I turn my head to find him looking at me. There is a raw vulnerability in his eyes, and a genuine gratitude.

I never thought I’d live to hear him say that, for once in his life.

“You don’t have to, Zach. Anyone else in my place would have done the same.” I smile lightly and turn to look forward.

“No they wouldn’t have.” I take a minute to silently think over his words.

“Is she okay? Did you two talk?”

“Yeah she is. A bit freaked out, is all. She’s at home now, with Laura. The meds have put her out for the night.”

“And I’m guessing this visit doesn’t really have much to do with coincidence or destiny, right?”

“You don’t really me expect me to say that I tracked you down, do you?”

“Well, considering your earlier records, I wouldn’t be too surprised either.” I turn sideways to find an amused Zach leaning over the railing with his elbows resting on it.

“I went to your place. Lily said that you weren’t there but she heard the door. So I was returning and I happened to spot you, though I will not mention the fact that it was extraordinarily creepy to see you that way. Walking in a daze, like the Nun.”

I chuckle sadly, with a smile, and divert my gaze to the water moving by. Minutes tick by and I just can’t break my train of thoughts, that too with Zach beside me.

Lily, Brit, Nathaniel, him, the announcement, I don’t know what to do.

“What’s wrong, Callister?”

“Nothing.”

“Okay so before we get uncharacteristically sentimental or psychotically abnormal, can I just say that I’m so not used to this silent, brooding, un-argumentative and un-provoking version of Adalanna Callister.

Come on, spill before you kill yourself with it.”

I look at him and take a moment to decide which parts to tell him, if at all. I never liked sharing thought with anyone. It always made me feel dependent, and I didn’t like feeling that.

But this was Zach. And I know I need to talk today.

“Tomorrow’s the announcement. I don’t know what I’m going to say.”

“You’re going to say yes.” I look at him in shock at his unmoving confidence, while he stares straight ahead.

“You don’t know that.”

“As a matter of fact Callister, I do.”

“Give me one good reason why I should.”

“Well, Sofia Richman being the alternative is reason enough.” I chuckle loudly with mocked sarcasm.

“And it’s always been about the alternative, isn’t it Zach? The plenty of choices?”

“You really want to go there tonight, Alanna?” He turns his head towards me as he whispers unwelcome realisation into me. He’s right. Not tonight.

I sigh with my eyes closed and open them, feeling brimming uncertainty within me.

“You have been paranoid long enough, Callister. You are scared of opinions. You are sacred of people not liking you for once.

You don’t want to take up responsibility because you are scared to face them when – if you let them down.

You realise what you are making yourself to become? You are losing the decisiveness. You are losing the confidence.”

I tear my gaze away. The truth has never hurt this bad, ever before. Everything he has said, is accurately correct. And I have known it all along, but never been brave enough to voice it out.

Hearing him say it, and knowing that he feels this way about me, that he knows this about me, makes me feel helpless.

“What do I do, Zach?”

He turns to me completely and with painful slowness decreases the distance between us.

I have come to my destroyer, asking for the cure. I don’t even understand what’s happening anymore.

He stands inches from me, and his thumb wipes a tear that I had not realised had escaped. I hold my breath in a pumping adrenaline rush as his hand lingers on my cheek.

His touch is gentle, unmoving, assuring. He knows what he is doing and he is not confused about doing it. Like always. I envy him.

“You go to school tomorrow. You stand up with confidence when they call your name.

You look them in the eye and say that you’re willing. You manage every mess that you might make, like you always have. You be the person we both knew.

Because you have been trying so hard to continue being Adalanna Callister, that you have almost forgotten how stunningly incredible she already is.” All air leaves me as his thick agent laden voice resonates within me.

To see Zach Hayden of all people believe in me more than I do. I have never had to feel this, so I don’t know how to.

I had never thought I would be hearing that from him. I alone know how I have been longing to hear that assurance.

That validation. That clarity of action. To have someone say that I’m… enough. And that if anything goes wrong, it will still be okay.

But I have had too much, to give up my peace of mind now. I cannot let Zach influence my decisions anymore. Maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s the right thing to do.

But I can’t help think about all the baggage that it is going to accompany. A lingering doubt and an uncertain fear still holds me back. I am not as confident as I had been. As believing, as I had been.

And two years of self doubt and yearning for a peaceful, simple existence cannot be overweighed by a few words from him, no matter how moving they might be. I have to think this through. Maybe I’ll consider it.

But I still can’t convince myself to say yes tomorrow. I know I asked him to tell me what to do, and I had thought that this might clarify my mind. Instead, it leaves me all the more conflicted.

“And then there’s always the premonition of Sofia Richman taking the position which should be able to scare you enough into saying yes.” I snort in amusement as he places a lock of hair behind my ear and gives an adorable smile to me.

“I thought you were quite smitten with her, considering your earlier not so subtle display of the same.”His smile widens immensely and his eyes close briefly, as if remembering the moment.

“Ah, the brunch. Which you enjoyed heartily, as far as my memory serves me.”

“And here I thought we were being honest.” He bows his head down, fighting back a laugh as he pushes off a fringe of hair over his forehead.

“Well, she is a pretty good kisser, I’ll give her that. But then that’s all I’ll give her.” I scrunch up my eyebrows in mocked disgust.

“Zach, you’re gross.”

“You see every person has a forte. Something they’re good at. And being the chairperson is not one, for her.” I look round towards him with an amused smile.

“When did you get so wise? Last time I checked you were an asshole.”

“Well thank you for both. But ah, that happened right when you were busy stealing that tub of chocolate ice cream from the fridge at midnight.”

I feel myself blushing as I recall just yesterday night when I had done exactly this.

“Whaa- shut up, that-“

“Which we both know you still do.”

“Don’t even expect me to pay up for you okay. You’re getting your own Hayden.”

“Oh, what a chivalrous gentleman Mr. Callister, paying up for the gorgeous Miss Hayden.” He speaks up sarcastically and I give him the finger. I dive into my wallet to grab some dollars to pay for the favourite chocolate ice cream I had been dying to have.

I have bought a full tub and I expect it to last me at least two days- But something looks different.

I look up to find Zach stifling a smile and it hits me as I use the back of my wallet to smack his head.

“You annoying little piece of rattlesnake, how dare you. Give me back my money!” He laughs out unrestrained as my blows don’t do much good to him, obviously.

“You are a thief. I’m so done.”

“And you are so ignorant. You do know you’re so easy to rob.”

“Shut up Hayden. Apologize. Right now.”

“You know that’s not coming anytime soon right sweetheart.” I scoff indiscreetly.

Will this guy ever learn the basic mannerisms of human decency? Will he ever learn to apologize? Never in a million years. Never in a billion, gazillion years.

“Hey what about we try the vanilla sometime?” I look at him through shocked eyes failing miserably to ignore the pun there.

He inches his faces closer to mine so that I feel his hot breath on my face and I tense up, from head to toe.

“I’m talking about the ice cream. Stop reading Fifty Shades.” His whispered voice gives me goosebumps as I cough distractedly and he simply smirks.

“You’ve lost your mind. Ice cream means chocolate. There’s no other kind.”

“Oh there is the one which you steal at midnight right? Or does that fall into the same kind?” I glare at him annoyed while he fights back another smile.

Author's note:

Zach and Alanna , having a heart to heart.

Sometimes, even the most unexpected of people end up believing in you, when you yourself don’t.