Sudden Comfort

“Some things will never be the same. You can’t escape your fate.”

It's been days since I heard that voice again. I'm having constant nightmares that made me wide awake at 2 or 3 in the morning. And I can't go back to sleep after that.

What I will do is that write in my journal as much as I can.

Trying to do something to get it out of my head.

But instead, the voice is getting stronger.

How many times will you ignore me?

As much as I can.

Do you think you can escape your past?

How many years has it been?

I'm trying to forget everything.

But that voice always reminds me that I don't have any right to forget.

I don't have any right to start over.

Am I not allowed to change my fate?

No. As long as I'm here, you will have no future.

I need to accept the fact that I'll not be able to move forward.

This is where I stand.

This is where I belong. Suffering every day for my past mistakes.

That voice won't let me be happy. She won't let me have any peace.

Why am I in this situation? I don’t want quietness.

Maybe way back then, I like it because there’s someone to share it with.

There’s someone who understands me.

But now, the voice is trying to get out.

I won’t let it.

I won’t let her.

I don’t know how many minutes since I or rather we left the coffee shop.

He is still driving and I don’t know where he is taking me.

What is bothering me right now is the fact that he lets me ride his car.

Don’t get me wrong. Some guys don’t just let someone ride inside their cars. Or that was what I heard from Rick.

There’s this time when I asked Rick if a girl already rode inside his car. He told me when he has a girlfriend one day will he let a girl ride in his car.

I also ask Chris but I forgot he's gay, so he doesn't count. His only answer was "I'll have a girl inside my car when I decided to become straight. But it will never happen, honey," he gave me that playful smile whenever he jokes around or talks casually with me. He is one of my bosses, mind you.

Do you think shutting me out will make any difference?

I close my eyes and that slight pain in my right temple is making me fidgety.

Where he is taking me anyway?

While the nerd is driving, I saw a bunch of trees and it's like we are going somewhere where no cars or any vehicles are driving by.

I like this quietness. You can hear me. I love it. Why don’t you just talk to me?

"Hey, nerd guy! Where are you taking me?" I tried to remain calm but I can't. So, I am starting a conversation.

He didn't answer and just continue driving. There's no music inside the car and I think I might freak out any moment. I don't know how Rick trusts this guy beside me right now. But I swear, if he doesn't answer me, I'll punch him in his face.

"Answer me! Why do you even need to drag me with you? I need to work! I mean, I have a lot of work to do! Let me out!" I try to raise my voice so he will notice me. And I think it's effective.

“Will you just shut up and let me drive first? I'll tell you when we get there.”

"No. Why do you have to bring me with you? I can call the cops and tell them you just drag me without telling me where are we going. I can tell them you kidnap me."

I know I may sound pathetic but at least it's not quiet. I can be brave and have to bear with this rude nerd that's getting on my nerves.

"Call the cops? Don't make me laugh," I saw his reaction and he is still calm about the situation.

"One, you don't have any mobile devices with you. So how can you call the cops?"

I look at myself and he is right. I reach for the pocket on my apron and even my pants, there's nothing I can use to call someone. How did he know that?

"Two, Rick and your co-workers saw you and me in the parking lot. If this is kidnapping, no one should know or saw you before you were taken."

He is right. I don't know what to say after that. I try to come up with something that will put me out of shame. I will not let him belittle me.

"F-fine. Harassment. I can sue you for that."

I saw him raise an eyebrow. He looks cute when he does that. Sh*t! I cuss inside my head. Why did I even think of that?

"Harassment? When did I do that?" he asked quite annoyed.

It's better this way. Even if he is not the gentleman type, it's not quiet. We are having a conversation even if I want to bury myself with shame. I'll bear with it for now.

"When you just drag me outside the shop without saying anything. I didn't have the time to react."

"If you didn't insult me, I would not have to drag you outside," he said while his eyes on the road.

"If you are looking for an apology, I will not give it to you."

He didn't even apologize for what he did. And I start to feel something inside me. Anger.

How come some guy like him exists in this world?

I want to say something but it's like someone is stopping me to speak.

If I say something, he will just reply with a statement that will just put me in an awkward situation. So, I decided not to reply and look outside the window of his car.

I thought that he will say something back, but he became quiet too. I can't see any cars on the road we are taking. Just tall trees and grass as far as the eyes can see. Where is this place? It's been so long since I saw a breathtaking view like this. I think when we get out of the car, the air is so refreshing.

Every day all I can see are tall buildings, smog, a combination of smoke and fog, cars, vans, motorcycles that emit black smoke. People busy going to their works, talking on the phone, their faces on a mobile device, and long traffic before you reach your destination.

It's quite exhausting every day.

But I can't complain. Why should I?

I chose this life. I chose to be this way.

Just enjoy the ride and listen to me. So that we can have a conversation.

There's that voice again. She is trying to get out. I don’t want to hear that voice.

You know that eventually, you will have to face me. You cannot escape even you have three jobs. Nothing can save you from me.

It's getting louder inside my head. I need a way out. Why did she have to come back? I am okay now. I make mistakes but I can still stand up on my own. I can do things without asking for any help.

You will never get away from me.

I cover my ears with both my hands. I don't want to hear that voice again. I bend my knees near my chest and close my eyes, trying to calm myself and not scream. I am having these panic attacks again. My heart is beating fast. My hands are becoming sweaty. I don't know what to do. My vision is becoming blurry and I felt tears on my cheeks. These sucks. Why am I having this now?

“Hey! What is wrong with you?”

I felt two hands on my shoulders and immediately I open my eyes.

I look at the person who is now intently looking at me. I didn't know that I'll be happy just to see his face.

The voice vanishes just like that.

I check my surroundings. Where am I? I'm inside a car. His car. What did I do? He puts down his hands.

"Why did you cover your ears?”

I didn't answer and just look at him. That arrogant and confident aura is gone. His eyes are looking at me. Without a hint of annoyance. And I can't help it that my tears started to fall. I wish I can tell someone how I feel. I wish I can escape this reality that is creeping in every day. I wish I have someone to share my worries and tell him what is going on with me.

But I'm afraid, to tell the truth.

Is there even anyone who will accept me?

“Why are you crying?" I saw the concern in his eyes.

I feel so ashamed that I became emotional just by looking at his face. Whenever I'm having these panic attacks, I am all alone.

Because I chose to not tell anyone about it.

I always close the door and scream inside my room.

But now, I have someone in front of me.

A stranger. How pathetic of me.

"It's nothing, I'm just tired. Where are we going? Can you answer me now?" I stretch my legs because I look like a child earlier that is all curled up on one side and afraid to hear the thunder. I look around and I didn't even notice that the car is not moving. He stops on the side of the road without any vehicle on site. Are we reaching our final destination? Because being here inside his car is quite taking a toll on my mind. I need to do something.

I thought that he will ask some questions but we remain silent for a minute. Maybe he is thinking that I'm crazy. He thinks that there is something wrong with me. I hope he doesn't think less of me. I don't want him to think that I'm a lunatic or something.

I heard him took a deep breath. I'm quite nervous about what he has to say.

“It’s a special place I go to when I want to escape from everything about my life," the tone of his voice made me look at him. I can feel sadness in it.

"It's more like an escape," he pauses and looks straight ahead. "Can you sit properly now? It's like I have a child in my car."

It's surprising how fast his mood changes. I didn't answer and just do what he said. It's embarrassing for me to act like that in front of him. But I'm relieved that he didn't ask any questions.

Maybe he's like me, we don't just ask personal questions and butt in on someone else's life. I think I'm getting comfortable around him.