Chapter 18 - Thanksgiving . . .

I wish I could explain to people sometimes how hard I am on myself. Especially when I do something wrong. I know that I am not perfect, and I know that I am only human. But how much more pain can my heart take. I feel like I am falling apart every day, and it just keeps getting worse. What is wrong with me? Christina Hart wrote: " Right now I am stuck somewhere between what if, what might, what could have, what never will and all I really want to know is what actually is." I don't understand how I went through so much in my past and yet today I feel like I just can't go on anymore. I have been wondering a lot lately why I am still alive if i can't do anything

right. I feel so useless. I just want to be alone. Away from everyone. I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained. You know what, I am a fighter! I am not going to let stupidity stand in my way of achieving my dreams.

I am not going to let anything stand between me and my happiness, I sure as hell am not going to allow anyone to come between me and God! No way, I would rather die! Even though I am here feeling so alone. God will never forsake me. I have lost myself to depression before and I am not going to allow it to happen again. Not even if I got paid for it. I am not the type to follow the masses because you are most likely to only go as far as the crowd. But if you walk your journey alone with God, then you are most likely to be lead to places that no one has ever been.

I pray that God helps me get through this. I know that it is never going to be easy. And suddenly I feel like I am going through this because God is preparing me for greater things. Thank you Lord for your patience with me. Thank you for showing me the way. Thank you for giving me the strength to start over again. . .