CHAPTER XLII: Questions to the Self

"What nonsense are you spouting?" I tried to act as calm as possible as I answered her.

"The truth? Very obvious at that." She sipped her drink after speaking.

"You're more delusional than I thought."

She groaned, "Oh, come on! I'm not delusional and you know that. You're just in denial."

"In denial of what particularly?" I asked.

She placed her elbow on the table and leaned closer to me.

"Again, the truth." She emphasized.

I sighed.

"What exactly is this truth you're pertaining to?" I grabbed a slice of cake and ate it as I waited for her response.

"Are you really trying to make me say it? The fact that you like Ross and how he likes you too?" She raised her eyebrow at me as if she was highly suspicious of my reluctance.

"Being liked and being shown kindness are two different things."

"You say that but you also didn't deny that you like him." She grinned triumphantly.

I shrugged, "How can I deny something that isn't even true?"

She gave me a deadpanned look. It's like my answer just made her stupid.

"Freaking stop it!" She grunted excessively, "You're just making me go in circles!"

"It's not my fault you're making absolutely no sense." I smirked.

She facepalmed herself after hearing this.

"Why couldn't you just admit it? We're friends right?"

I remained quiet.

"Fine! We're acquaintances who have known each other for half a year and obviously don't belong in that particular stage anymore. We're also just feminine figures who share gossip with each other, travel together, and backstab one another relentlessly yet in an honest form. Satisfied now?"

She was almost out of breath after finishing all of that.

"Quite so." I chuckled.

I handed her drink towards her so she could regain her lost composure.

After she had her drink, she spoke again in an impatient tone.

"Well?"

"I don't know why you're so eager. Are you expecting some sort of romantic novel to just pop out of your life?"

"YOUR romantic novel." She eagerly responded.

"That is clearly and utterly bullshit because there's no romance to begin with?" I pointed out.

"Oh my gosh! Do you really…" She clenched and unclenched her fists out of frustration. "Do you really want me to spell it out for you? With all the flirting? With all the lovey-dovey glances you exchange with one another? Hello! Even an ant can see how you like each other!"

I let out a breath, "I told you, kindness is not something you should confuse love with."

I grabbed my mango shake and took a quiet sip on it.

I was starting to feel parched from her continuous persistence.

"Oh yeah? Who are you trying to convince here?"

I paused.

"Let me correct that, who are you trying to deny?" She continued.

I stared at her in confusion. What was she trying to prove?

"Then, where are you getting these baseless accusations from?" I waved my hand like I'm asking her to give me the object that satisfies my inquiry.

"It's not baseless from what I've observed."

"Yeah and that's it! Just mere observations with no concrete evidence whatsoever."

She rubbed her temples and groaned once again.

"Heck, we're not talking about some hell of a thesis or something! We're talking about feelings, okay?!"

"What's the difference?"

"Everything! My frick! You're frustrating the shit out of me!" She pulled at her hair and slumped further down on her hair.

"Look, I merely asked this at first because I was curious, but looking at you now? I changed my mind. I want you to realize the thing that you're blindly turning away from!"

"Realize? Realize what? That…that I am like a fucking teenage young girl who just found the meaning of love?"

"Trust me! I know this because I experienced it already!"She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

I scrunched my eyebrows together. "How can you measure something like that?"

She let out a breath, "Do you know how many times I sighed in this one conversation with you?"

"I'm just annoyed as you are. More, even." I said.

"Look, I've already confirmed you have feelings for him."

"Just because I didn't deny what you said earlier?"

"Precisely that!"

Before I could even rebut, she already began her rambles.

She was certainly doing it on purpose.

"I first noticed how affectionate you are towards him-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! When was I affectionate with him?" I almost fell out of my chair after what she said.

"If you would stop cutting me off then I would have probably gotten to that point already."

I crossed my arms and urged her to continue.

"Thank you. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, how AFFECTIONATE you were with Ross."

I rolled my eyes at her childishness.

"Unlike other men from Earth's population, you specifically give Ross better attention than anyone. No matter how hard you try to tell me otherwise, it's something that you expose on your own."

I looked away from her penetrating gaze

"You're less hostile towards him even though he is someone you frequently bicker with. You also show appreciation for every compliment you receive from him. In addition to that, the way you smile when you're with him is way brighter than what I've seen so far." Solar added.

"Without knowing, you're easily drawn to him aren't you?" She concluded.

I hummed. I looked up at the sky and searched for answers to confess everything that I've been hiding.

To let it all out into the open like opening a clam and barring the pearl for everyone to witness.

"And yo-"

"You know, I'm not as naive as you make me seem. Everything, every single detail you mentioned, I'm aware of it all."

This garnered her attention.

"Then-"

"But simply knowing it is something that I want to remain the same. Not going anywhere further than one would hope."

She stayed quiet.

"Every beat of my heart. Every agony I feel when I see the similarities of his treatment to me and to other people. Even the smallest aches were never left unnoticed. I know all of that and I'm the person who knows most of that."

"Why do you keep on pushing the idea away then?"

"Because that's the price I pay for even having such feelings bloom."

"So, basically you regret it already?" She gave me a look of disbelief.

"Basically, I'm preparing myself to be safe from harm and disappointment."

"Even you know that's cowardice." She pointed her fork at me.

"Call it as you may. But I'm not afraid to admit how I take action for such complications." I said nonchalantly.

"What if he feels the same, Dia? Will you shy away from such an opportunity?"

"What if he doesn't? Will I have to face humiliation or pity after taking a big leap?"

The both of us grew silent after that.

It took a few moments before one of us spoke again but the heavy feeling from what we talked about remained hanging in the air like some sort of warning.

It was hard to grasp.

But it was finally out there.

It's freeing but also suffocating to take in.

"You know what I first acknowledged after accepting this kind of emotion?" I asked while staring at the plate in front of me.

"What?" I heard Solar whisper.

"Is that I'm prone to the unfavorable…"

"I'm not catching on." I glanced up at her and smiled sadly.

At the same time, in my mind, a memory floated towards the surface.

The sad smile of a loved one as they bid farewell to the person they devoted their life to.

How one's views change after meeting them and how it continues to change until it doesn't appear to be yours anymore.

How pleasant the feeling of love is yet dreadful for its counterpart.

"It just makes you acknowledge the extent of one's feelings, or therefore lack of, in multiple instances. How much doubt do you think I can handle before I crash and burn?"

I closed my eyes together with how I'm deliberately trying to shut away possibilities.

"That's why I cannot allow myself to nurture something that is uncertain."

I laughed bitterly and added, "In this situation, you say Ross shares the same feelings as I have? But from what I could determine, his friendly demeanor is also a fierceful sword in my direction."

I opened my eyes and stared at her straight into her eyes.

"Who knows when his friendliness would become contempt after learning that I never once wanted to be showered by something so minimal solely because I'm a greedy person who wanted more?"