CHAPTER XLIII: Flow of Feelings

"You know, how about we lose the deep talks and focus on the issue at hand in a way that I can understand…perhaps?" She gave me a weird smile and scratched her head.

What the f-

I groaned and massaged my temples.

"I'll seriously bash your head someday." I gritted out.

"Look, I got the gist of it. You like him, as you have bravely declared, but you just don't want to confess to him because you're afraid he doesn't share the same affection as you do?"

I nodded in confirmation.

"Well, this is my point of view and that's you're understanding but none of us really knows how he feels."

I gave her a bored look. "Didn't you just boldly state earlier how he likes me?"

"That's a hunch, my friend." She shrugged.

"And when does your hunch ever become right?" I smirked at her.

"FYI, they are extremely on point." She flipped her hair proudly at that.

I couldn't help but feel repulsed by her arrogance.

Because we all know how unbelievable that was.

"Anyway, you won't know until you try right?"

"Yeah, of course, I also wouldn't know rejection until I try, right?"

Her jaw dropped unexplainably.

"Come on, what's up with all this negative shits?" Exasperated, she threw her arms in the air.

I grabbed my drink and took a long sip in it.

After I felt hydrated again, I answered her.

"You're just overly optimistic."

She looks like she was about to go nuts any minute now.

"Where is this conversation even going?!"

I raised my eyebrow and gave her a bored expression, "You took all this time just to realize that?"

"Just, listen, just from watching yo-"

"You make it sound like you're stalking us."

"Will you please let me finish?"

I gestured my hand for her to continue. She mocked a bow at me which made me laugh.

"As I was saying, there's just something different with the way he's been treating you and before you even butt in and say that he's just being nice and social, does an extremely 'friendzone type of person' be sad when he's being ignored by someone who's perceived as just a 'friend'?"

This made me freeze.

I stared at her in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" I asked immediately.

"Girl, when you blatantly ignored him in Japan, he transformed into something similar to a puppy who just lost its master."

"Now, you're bluffing."

"Me? Why would I bluff? Just so you know, I like hearing stories about tragic college love affairs and exaggerated drama in life but I am not in any way, shape, or form, capable of creating stories."

Before I could even respond, she already stood up and told me she's going to order some more food.

"You're really a chatterbox though." I mumbled as I watched her walk away.

I spun the straw in my glass and recalled our recent conversation.

I know I'm just persistently denying it but it just seems too far-fetched to even dream of it.

Also, I'm anxious, I've had crushes all throughout my life, from celebrities and fictional characters to real living humans, but none of it rose to this extent.

The level I'm feeling right now makes me confused, afraid, and greedy.

Why did it all come to this anyway?

Thinking back, all he did was approach me with that welcoming smile.

When all was dimmed with my insecurities and fears, he's the first one to nudge me back to the light.

He just knew when I needed him.

He was that person who I felt most comfortable with.

We weren't the ones who met first, but it felt like we experienced everything until the last.

He made me laugh.

He shouldered my doubts.

He often gave me food which was an obvious plus.

He made me brave.

He even helped me out of my comfort zone.

What are the odds that this man could make me go through so many things in just a short span of time?

How sly of him to trouble my life like this.

I breathed in and calmly let it out.

Should I just face forward? Charge at it blindly? Or just sit back and let it flow on its own?

Why does it have to be so hard?

"Well, ain't you having a sour expression on your face?" I almost shouted when I felt a cold glass touch my face.

When I looked up, Solar was standing there with a full-blown grin on her face while holding her newly ordered drink.

"You just had a stressed vibe around you so I couldn't help it. Peace!" She then hurriedly moved away from me and sat down on her chair.

"So where were we?"

"Like you'll have a hard time knowing that?"

"I guess not. So, let me ask you this, ooh this iced tea sure does wonders…" She gulped a large amount before proceeding. "What if, hypothetically, theoretically, mysteriously, and miraculously, Ross feels the same way?"

This made me ponder for a while.

"I honestly don't know because I never thought of such a possibility." I clasped my hands together and played with my thumbs.

"Won't you date him or…anything?" She eyed me, baffled.

That's when a memory passed by in my head.

I unconsciously clenched my hands together.

"I don't think…I can." My head slumped as I gazed at my hands with sorrow.

"What?! What do you mean you can't? I won't judge you, I'm just a bit puzzled by that."

I know she's not here to tell me what's wrong or right, even I wouldn't understand myself for that.

But witnessing what happened to 'them' made me want to sink deeper into my cocoon.

"It just happened that I can't."

I could feel her eyes at me but I didn't dare meet her stare.

Because I'm afraid she'll be able to see through me, exactly the way she saw through my feelings.

And that's not a scenario I'm prepared for.

"This is so not you. You're not the sarcastic, arrogant, and pompous Dia that I know of." She frowned.

"Well, everyone has their fair share of secrets. Don't you?" I stated and directed my sights at her.

She had her mouth open but after a few seconds she clamped it and turned away with a forlorn look.

"I guess but what makes you different is that you can still gather your courage and reach up to it unlike those who just wallow in their regret for not doing anything in the past." From where I was sitting, I could still see the despair painted in her curved lips.

Seeing this, I grabbed her hand and pulled her up.

She was visibly startled at what I did.

"Let's go for a walk."

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere that isn't depressing to be at."

I tugged her hand and headed towards the mini park.

The scenery was tranquil. The water was clear and clean with no garbage floating around at all.

The grass was well cared for and the flowers were planted in a very decorative style.

It was relaxing because it felt similar to the garden at the university.

I greatly missed going there because after all that, it was still my sanctuary.

Maybe with this I'll be able to wash away some of the uneasiness in my mind…and

…so will she.

"What about our stuff?" She wondered loudly.

"The staff will watch over them." I replied and continued to pull her until we stood at the bridge over the small lake.

"You know, my reluctance was also because I was consumed by regret." I quietly muttered.

She whipped her head in my direction but didn't say anything.

"Let's just say it's one of the reasons why I'm determined to not go through it again but this time it's because I actually don't want to relive it."

"I'm well aware how much I liked Ross to the point that it's frightening how noticeable it is." I started.

"I was aware of the signs but also wasn't. I became conscious but I still make decisions unintentionally. I enjoyed having his attention on me but it felt wrong when it wasn't. How he smiled and laughed with people other than me."

I recalled all the foreigners he talked to during our trip. As he chatted away, whilst I stood there at the side.

"How he made it easy to tickle my heart but I'm uncertain how nonchalant he made it seem."

With every word he used to praise me while managing small efforts to become great, that's exactly how I could never seem to understand its sincerity.

"The way he's mindful of my wants and also careful with what I need. How could I not be swoon by his idiotic charms?"

I can even remember the calls, the messages, and the whispers of comfort he showcased me.

But all of this, nonetheless, still…

"Yet who am I to know if everything I cherished was meant for me? His warmth, his soothing voice, as well as his gentle touch, who am I to claim it all?"

…makes me more prone to the unknown.

"But Dia, who also said that it wasn't yours to claim from the very beginning?" She made me turn towards her.

"What if he was already spoon-feeding it to you, but you're just avoiding it?" She added.

"Dia, open your heart to him. Without doubts, without the what ifs, and especially without expectations. If he rejects you, it'll hurt but you'll move past it, however, if you continue to just block yourself off from the opportunities then you're no greater than a woman who disregards each moment you strengthen yourself for."

I tried to say something, to give her a response of some sort, but I couldn't utter a single word.

Because she hit me exactly where my confidence was loose.

She hugged me unknowingly which almost shocked me to my core.

But I couldn't push her back after she whispered the words that made my stronghold waver.

"Just go along with what you feel, Dia. Not what you fear."