Chapter 1: In Search of Herself Part I

NOTE

The story was written for the contest "Let's get in the game", organized by Prince Dracula on the Facebook group "EFP family: reviews, tips and discussions."

My prompt was: "To write the story of a person who goes on a journey to find himself."

It was one of those gray days that rarely happen in Israel, which perfectly mirrored Ziva's mood. She who had always been tough, a fighter that no one had ever been able to stop, now, she felt so small that she could even disappear. That cold morning Ziva left the house with the distinct feeling that something was changing, that it was time for her to make that dreaded decision. She had made a difficult choice, perhaps the most difficult of her life, a choice that she would distance her from the people she loved and from that man who with his sarcasm and her sweetness had her conquered. A new life was about to begin: he had to do it for her and for them who were now the only family that had left her and the only people he really cared about. Gibbs, Abby, McGee and Tony were not just a well-established and united team, they were the same people who had never abandoned her even though she had made mistakes against them and sometimes turned her back on them. Her father, her brother and the whole David family had stolen her dreams, they had deprived her of her from her young age demanding so much from a child that she still had so much to live. None of them could admit it anymore because for different circumstances she had lost everyone, she was left alone: ​​now, due to the latest events, she had decided to take back her life and embark on a journey to find herself. As in a whirlwind, every day Ziva felt herself being dragged deeper and deeper into her malaise, more and more a slave to herself, to her own anxieties, to the fear of not making it and not being able to satisfy others. Many nights she woke up in her sleep screaming, drenched in sweat, overwhelmed by the terrible sensation of not being able to breathe; this reaction was often the consequence of her work, of that job that seemed to no longer belong to her. This did nothing but bring to her mind the will of her written about her in a very distant period that she herself struggled to remember.

I Will

I want to be a dancer

Ride a horse

Visit America

Having a girl and a boy

Thinking back to those desires, Ziva was seized by a sudden melancholy and sadness that soon gave way to pain and anger.

"How long have I not been that little girl?" she wondered to herself, giving free rein to those thoughts of which she still could not admit their existence.

But for every painful memory of response she always surfaced another joyful one, another that gave her the strength not to give up and not to give up.

"Things could have been different," she admitted.

"It's never too late," Tony replied with a tone of hope and hope for a better tomorrow.

"Yes, it's too late."

And then when you least expect it, those words arrive which, despite being short and concise, contain within them a great meaning and immense strength.

"I'm fighting for you Ziva" and so in the end with a broken voice Tony admitted it letting a tear slip on his face without being ashamed of his vulnerability.

And it was precisely this thought that warmed his, who became so full of hope that suddenly everything was once again possible. A few more days and she would leave to find herself: a long and tiring journey in which she would do everything to return to the Ziva David of the past, full of dreams and hopes.

To face this journey she would have to leave everything and loved ones: even if she didn't want to, this was necessary for that journey in search of her inner self to be meaningful.

"A trip of this kind generally arises from the feeling that one's life no longer belongs to us, does not satisfy us, does not reflect the person that one is or that one would have wanted to be: and that is why I want to do it", Ziva affirmed with conviction to the "spiritual" guide trying to make his own motives understood even if these were only a small part of a thousand others.

"If you are really sure my dear, then join us: however, before starting you must know that it will be a long way and it will end only when you have reached your goal; as soon as you have achieved that balance you came to seek, it is only then that you can say that you have finished your journey ".

Ziva made a simple gesture with her head in approval and determination; and she put the backpack on her shoulder she began that journey that would become "the springboard" for a better future with others and with herself.

"Ultreya! Suseya "and with a cry of encouragement to Santiago de Compostela: they would have walked roughly 800 km for the duration of about a month.

"This journey is a journey to discover or rediscover yourself, to overcome your limits, to test yourself; it's not just a series of places on a map "these were the first words that the" spiritual "guide said. Many had left: there were Italians, foreigners, people of different religions; apparently they had nothing in common, but certainly each of them is there for the same reason. Surely many of them would not have achieved the inner balance they aspired to; however, the rest did not care how many difficulties they had to face: their will to achieve that much desired inner peace was stronger than anything else. Several days had already passed and some more or less had begun to complain, until that question came that several times, Ziva would have liked to ask despite the fear of becoming inappropriate.

"When could we call home from our friends, husbands or wives, from our family?" asked a small, black-haired woman with freckles on her face, who was mostly on the sidelines. That woman reminded Ziva of a friend she had helped years ago and of whom she had lost contact for a reason unknown to her. Her resemblance to Fatima was undeniable, but she knew for sure that this was not possible as she had a tattoo behind the back of her neck with the name of her brother who died in Iraq. She remembered very well that afternoon spent with Fatima: one of the few in which she had not felt alone, as they were both sharing the same pain over the loss of a loved one. So slowly, as many memories emerge as she would like to forget.

"Miss, what do you wish you had tattooed?" The man asked with a strong voice, with broad shoulders and a stern, hard face that would have frightened everyone, but not her.

"I want the star of David and at the end of each tip I want my family names" answered Ziva more than convinced, proud of her decision, sure that one day she would not regret it.

"I have to ask you a question that I usually ask" she told her and with a nod she Ziva she asked him to continue without being at all intimidated.

"How much pain do you take? I know it sounds like a stupid question, but trust me, it's not. "And as soon as she finished the sentence she rolled her eyes and looked at her trying to understand.

"Trust her, I have a higher pain threshold than you can imagine" and Ziva looked back at him with confidence; so that the tautator without other words began his work.

That day, returning home, Ziva looked in her mirror and although her tattoo was fresh and red, I ran my fingers over each of her names, sliding them slowly as if to be in contact with each of them. The only time she felt more pain was when the tautator had to write her last name, the name of the one who had slowly demolished that wall - which she had raised to protect herself - managing to make herself loved. After various indecision about the location of the tattoo, Ziva had opted for her side because it was exactly one step close to her heart and not too far from her lungs. Each of those people were for her the air she breathed, those she loved most in the world. Still in front of the mirror he observed himself as he slowly passed his finger first on Rivka and Talia - the names of his mother and his sister - and then as he slowly descended he touched the names of Gibbs, Abby and Mcgee and, finally I will focus on the last one. name: Tony, whose weakness he had made draw a small heart as a sign of their deep union, a small symbol and a hope.

And as it had appeared that memory slowly faded until it disappeared. Ziva's attention, like everyone's, was directed towards the guide that she was about to answer the question asked a little earlier by the petite woman whose name she could not remember.

"No one has ever said not to: every time we stop in the hostels you can call home; but if you haven't done so until now, there must be a reason, right? You know it's not right for you or for the people you left behind. This is a journey for yourselves "the guide reiterated, leaving the pilgrims perplexed but aware of her words. At the same time, trying to cheer up the spirits that she seemed to have slightly depressed, she gave another pearl of the journey in order to make them reflect and better understand their path.

"Traveling is building your identity, it is recovering your deepest self, it is listening to your true needs" and having said that, each of them was left wandering in the meanders of their own mind.

In those days Ziva had done nothing but think about her team and she had thought several times to write to him, but every time she started her e-mail in the end she ended up deleting it. Deep down she knew she couldn't do this, even if it was the thing she most wanted in the world - to hear their voices even for a thousandth of a second - she had to be able to find herself first, and then be ready to go home . In the dark moments when everything seemed to collapse on her, when she could not find the strength to fight, she remembered their funny moments that were imprinted in her mind: the slaps of Gibbs, the sometimes misplaced jokes of Tony, the extravagant intelligence McGee, Abby's friendship and her being somewhat odd. They might seem trivial, but from every memory of the moments shared with them, a new strength was born, which gave her that energy and grit necessary to continue moving forward.

That journey was starting to make them understand the true meaning of themselves, giving them the opportunity to discover themselves more and more, especially in those days when the hours seem to fly so fast that they don't realize they have lived them. It often happened that along the way the guide would ask them to share their deepest thoughts or something they had learned and made their own. After everyone had shared her, only Ziva remained, just she who was a little afraid to open up to others. Gained courage, she was nevertheless able to speak in such an incisive way as to leave all the others to reflect: "silence fills the spirit because listening to it is like letting it flow and become part of who you are or what you have around." It took several days to be able to understand and then consequently formulate that sentence, but the more time passed the more she felt she had made the right choice. Every night she turned her gaze to that wonderful moon and sometimes to the starry sky in the darkest evenings and wondered what her team, her family was doing without her. And so another memory presented itself to her as if she were reliving it again at that precise moment.

It was one of those rare evenings where Ziva and Tony had left work earlier which was odd as they spent more hours in the office or following leads than at home. Tony had offered her a beer at her house that evening and she had gladly accepted without problems and there was nothing strange if it hadn't been that this was Tony.

"Would you like a movie?" he proposed in a mischievous way.

"Sure" and seeing her cunning he added "and don't get strange ideas" Ziva laughed at him amused.

"Don't worry bad girl. Now sit down and make yourself comfortable that here Tony DiNozzo very special agent will choose a good movie for you "he winked making her laugh.

The sound of her sweet laugh echoed in the air as a melody followed shortly after by his. They were two different and separate people but together they looked like a married couple in one of their moments of sweetness and intimacy.

"World domination. The usual dream. Asylums are full of people who think they are Napoleon or God "the film that Tony was playing James Bond had not yet begun.

Agent 007 - License to Kill was the only James Bond film he loved. The film stars Sean Connery as Tony's esteemed actor, which was equally true for its director Terence Young and writer Ian Flemming from whom the film of the same name was based.

"But this is not your favorite movie!" exclaimed Ziva, annoyed and feigned offense.

"Why don't you like it?" Tony asked amused.

She looked at him and could no longer speak, she was lost in the immensity of her eyes, but she returned to herself as soon as he accidentally touched her hand.

"Given your endless film collection, I would add, I would have expected something ..."

"Romantic?" he provoked her and she could not help blushing, ashamed of having had such a childish reaction; he made her lose control without restraint and that was also why she had fallen in love with him.

That evening the sky was covered with many small stars and as soon as the film was finished Ziva went to the terrace to be able to admire them, reminding her so much of Tony and her sarcasm. She was so enchanted by the beauty of the sky that she gave her that sense of stillness, peace and tranquility that she did not notice Tony's arrival, so as soon as she turned she found herself a few inches from her face. Suddenly the atmosphere heated up and their souls caught fire: she could not believe what was happening, but despite her being a little scared she hoped that moment would never end. Neither dared to speak or move, both were enchanted by that perfect moment that they would not do or say anything to avoid ruining it. Eventually, however, Tony moved slightly away and found the courage to speak: "I admire your courage miss ..." Tony said, imitating James Bond again, not at all intimidated by the look she gave him.

He continued to look at her eager to hear her answer when shortly after her he arrived: "Trench, Sylvia Trench. And I admire your luck mister…. " Ziva said smiling managing to surprise Tony, even leaving him speechless. The wait was over and he had received her answer; continuing that role play he said, "Bond. James Bond. "

She came even closer, leaving a few centimeters distance between them, thus giving him the opportunity to withdraw, but she knew that Tony would not do it, she hoped indeed she wished she would not.

"When you said you have to go," he asked so close to her lips that he almost touched them.

"I should go in a few minutes because it's really late, but ... .. maybe it's better that I go now."

He did not even leave her time because he surrounded her with his mighty arms, slowly pushed a rebellious lock from her face provoking a tickle and finally brought his lips to hers and gently kissed her: that single gesture was enough to ignite their hearts. It was a short but passionate kiss and that little was enough to make her understand that she would no longer want to kiss any other lips but hers. Tony pulled away just enough to put her lips on her forehead.

"I think you should go," he told her with a sweet and sarcastic smile at the same time, but with the desire to hold her in her arms to never let her go.

"Thank you" she replied, and with a quick kiss on her cheek she walked away from him aware that this was the man she loved, while a tear ran down her face.

And even that memory slowly faded, but every thought was always directed to him: Tony was his him, it had taken more than eight years to understand it, but when he finally understood it, fate turned against him. them and she had had to leave him to be able to find herself.

The journey was nearing its end, they had started from Puente la Reina and had reached various stages such as: Estella, Nàjera, Burgos, Rabanal del Camino and Triacastela. Today they were in Palas de Rei there were few left because those who before, who afterwards along the road had given up, had not been able to fight the tiredness, the heat, the distance, the silence and the stillness that one breathed. Tomorrow they would reach Santiago de Compostela: this journey had strengthened their self-confidence, the true strength that each of them possessed, even if without their knowledge; and last but not least, they were able to do an analysis of themselves.

"I am very grateful to have accompanied you on this long journey, even if unfortunately we have lost many along the way. You have managed to find or discover yourselves and I am proud of each of you "and so suddenly there was a loud applause that made George, the spiritual guide, embarrassed and moved.

"If you still have breath, you can push yourself to look at the Atlantic Ocean from the extreme promontory of Fisterra or you can finish the journey at the sanctuary of Nosa Senora da Barca in Muxia."

Everyone decided on the second option with the exception of Ziva and Maria, two women different from each other sharing the same desire to go to the end. They began to disperse, there were screams of joy, tears and sighs of relief and everyone took different directions, but before leaving Ziva and Maria were stopped by George.

"Once you arrive in Finisterre, it is traditional to burn the pilgrimage clothes and immerse yourself in the ocean for a purifying bath."

They looked at him in shock for what they had heard, because it was an old tradition that was rarely heard of now and almost no one kept them, but against all odds they still decided to respect them because they had to complete their journey in all its nuances.

As Ziva and Maria walked towards their next destination, Ziva thought back to George's words and she couldn't help but imagine the scene if she had been in the office.

"Naked women? When do we leave? " Tony asked ecstatically and immaturely.

"Tony!" McGee exclaimed with a sigh, now hopeless from Tony's little regard for women.

"You're always the same ... pig" Ziva would have said without hiding her disapproval and shortly afterwards Gibbs' slap would start making Tony jump and smile Ziva and McGee.

That was what she was missing, those moments, their jokes, their everyday life and hopelessly they all missed them.

The goal is to walk, to go, to meet oneself, to share the effort and discovery.

The journey itself is the goal.

Author's space:

Hello everyone…. here I am with a new story, this time the paring is TIVA <3

Before starting with the thanks I would like to make some clarifications of the story: its development takes place after the 11x02 of NCIS (obviously this is for those who follow the series), some dialogues or facts that I have reported occurred in the series, instead others are of my invention; and also for the information on the Camino de Santiago de Compostela they are real news, which I have taken from Wikipedia and therefore do not belong to me.

For this story there are so many people to thank, because each of them was by my side and made sure that some ideas were transformed into a concrete story on their own. I want and have to thank first of all my cousin Vivana for being the first to read it and give me the advice that the story needed, then I thank my sister for all the times I have read and reread the story and her holy sister has been there to listening to me, and finally, no less caring I thank two girls I met a little by chance and with whom I formed a strong bond of friendship and now I don't know how to do without;) Alice (on EFP life before his eyes) and Lucrezia (on EFP _Fire). My thanks begins and ends with you because if the story has developed, it has moved on and only thanks to all of you.