Chapter 2: In Search of Herself Part II

Everyone had gained nothing from that trip, even Ziva, but her journey had not yet ended. She had recently come in contact with her self, yet to be able to find that balance for which she had left everything, she still had to get to know her true self: digging into the past, reliving the present and planning the future.

"Being lost does not give the right to say that you can no longer find each other, maybe you just need time and courage" the teacher told her as soon as he saw her, welcoming her with a strong hug and a warm smile. Thanks to George's help, Ziva had found the place where she could continue her journey and find herself again; a perfect place to regenerate body and soul.

"The monastery of peace" is a modern structure, although it was designed as a medieval monastery; it is surrounded by greenery, reachable only on foot or by bike: a place where meditation and contact with nature are the pillars of existence. It is located near San Millán de la Cogolla, a small town in la Rioja; nowadays this is the call for pilgrims who have traveled the Camino de Santiago de Compostela, even if it is located slightly off the official route: a place to breathe peace and tranquility. The monastery is made up of single rooms and although they were also designed on the model of cells, they have a vision and composition in a modern key. They are all equipped with a bathroom with shower, heating, a wonderful view of the woods, or some, of vast green expanses; in addition, each room has a stone desk, managing to please the ancient and the modern in a unique way, giving that touch of originality. In the monastery there are various areas, each dedicated to different activities that can be carried out during the day: it also has a relaxation area where the warmth of the small pool carved into the rock, the invigorating steam bath and a corner with stone seats, they are the perfect combination to restore inner balance. The daily life of the community is precisely marked: morning and evening are dedicated to the practice of meditation, thus making it coincide with sunrise and sunset; during the week, every other day, you have the possibility to choose between various activities (for example: looking after the vegetable garden or the orchard, helping in the kitchen or other manual chores) and in addition, those who want, have the opportunity to learn to create handicrafts by the local elders, who would like to pass on their knowledge in some way. Those who were in this little "Eden" in search of their self three times a week begin a journey of three sentences, lasting about 3 hours, to reinvigorate the body; and finally, every evening to end the day in a serene and balanced way, it is possible to skirt the small stream, walking for a long time on unexplored paths. Each believer regardless of the region he professes or the God he believes in, upon his arrival is entrusted to a teacher who, almost as Virgil did with Dante, guides him and illuminates the path of his own "dark forest".

John Gràcia Miyagi was Ziva's teacher: a man of few words, simple but profound, light as a feather but hard as stone, direct and enlightening like his meditation. He surprised her even more because in addition to his qualities of compassion and generosity, combined with a subtle ironic streak and remarkable charisma, John was also a kind travel company and a great friend. He was able to understand Ziva in a way that no one had ever been able to: he made her feel safe, protected and capable of being able to return to her Ziva David that she herself missed.

Ziva and the master Miyagi met every day, for a couple of hours, always in different places, so as not to keep her focused on the same details, but trying to keep her attention high in order to be ready to discover little things every day. parts of herself that sometimes she didn't even know existed. Ziva's path was made up of 5 phases, each of which would be faced together with the master Miyagi: they concerned her past, present and future; once it was over she would be ready to go home, to her family and the man she loved.

1- "Stop putting off until tomorrow"

"If you have realized that you don't like your life, the next step is to understand that tomorrow is not the day to start. The day was yesterday: yesterday is closer to today than tomorrow, "Miyagi told her referring to the first phase.

At first she was confused, but then by listening to her words again she could understand the meaning of her. This time she could say that that phase had been concluded days ago, when she had finished the journey to Santiago de Compostela. Every result achieved, albeit quickly as in this case, is the result of a series of small steps that she had taken once she made the decision to leave. It had not been so easy to finish the first stage, and now she would have to explain to the teacher what she had learned from that journey. Ziva found herself in trouble, not so much because she hadn't learned anything, but because she couldn't find the right words to explain it. After a few moments of silence and pauses, trying to put her thoughts in order, she admitted: "I cannot explain in words what I have learned because I have tried and felt so much that I cannot give a true explanation". He with a sign of her head, giving her a sweet smile, asked her to continue, giving her strength and courage. It took just that little, or maybe not, to give her the confidence he needed and make her admit, in her heart, that she was somehow reborn. That journey for the first time she had brought her to places never seen before where she had been able to experience sensations of which only then, she understood the true meaning: without a doubt that path she had changed her.

Between one activity and another, the day came for Ziva to discover the second phase that she would have to analyze and face: she could not but admit to being thrilled and scared at the same time. In the meantime, two months had already passed and she felt a strange pain near her heart, which appeared as soon as she thought of Gibbs, Tony, McGee and Abby and disappeared when they too dissolved. It was a persistent pain, and she somehow wanted to soothe it at least a little; she would have been enough to know that they were okay, but she had no way to find out and certainly she could not call or write to him: she had to grit her teeth and think that soon she would hug them all again. She was so excited that she arrived at the meeting with Master Miyagi an hour before her, that afternoon, and as soon as he saw her arrive she smiled at her, pleased to have involved her so much.

2- "Get rid of your past"

As soon as Ziva heard the topic that she would have to deal with in the second phase she turned pale, but she set out to stay focused. Miyagi seeing her expression approached her, gently placed a hand on her shoulder and tried to infuse her with peace and calm, sensations that she at that moment she was not feeling at all. Once he perceived the change in her, he, speaking in a low but deep voice, explained what it consisted of and what she should reflect and work on.

"Try to eliminate all the factors that have led you to live a life not yours, whether they are internal or external events. Change is an obstacle course, a marathon, rather than a speed race. You have to start acting, step by step, in the direction you want to take ".

Ziva listened to those words very carefully knowing that she would have to question everything once again. That afternoon, with her teacher, they dug into her past to find the reason that she had pushed him to take that journey.

"What brought you here?" he asked her, after a few minutes of silence and seeing that she still hadn't been able to talk about her. She was quite nervous, as she understood that she had to open up even more and lower the barriers of her heart, those barriers she had created over the years to protect herself, she had to reveal parts of herself that she had promised would never come out again: she had to relive everything to get to the origin.

"I could answer this question in many different ways and I think none of this would be correct anyway. I'm here because I got lost, because I was living a life not mine, or rather, a life that I never wanted for myself "Ziva replied keeping her eyes down and playing with her hands, nervous and embarrassed by what she would say.

"I no longer remember who I am, I am no longer the Ziva David who had dreams, hopes, that she was curious and anxious while she had been waiting for the man of her life for a long time. Everyone knows me by now as Agent Ziva David of the Mossad or the NCIS and that's what I remember too, and how…. if I hadn't been someone else but her ".

Ziva's pain, the sense of regret and regret surrounded the air in which they found themselves and anyone passing by could have said that she was a fragile soul, even if apparently her behavior seemed to affirm the opposite.

Ziva was a Mossad liaison agent who was assigned to NCIS after the death of Kate - a colleague and friend of Tony, Abby, McGee and Gibbs - killed by Ziva's half-brother, although she did not know it at the time. acquaintance only later. Her father already as a child through her games or jokes taught her lessons in life and strategy, shaping her so that once she became great and able to take over her reins she would become director of Mossad, succeeding him. . As soon as she was old enough she decided to make her father happy and train with the Mossad to become an agent, which gave her military and strategic skills, gave her a photographic memory and unfortunately much, much more. In a short time she reached higher and higher levels, managing to anticipate the moves of the enemies, making them confess - even the hardest ones - to become quick in acting: this is how she found herself a killer specializing in murder, espionage and coercion. The training she had undergone transformed her into another person: she was no longer the innocent child who played in the park or the young woman who was waiting for love; she had become the cold-hearted agent Ziva David, impassive and merciless in killing or using deadly techniques. Only with time did she begin to understand what she had become and, in order to try to soothe the feelings of guilt a little, as she no longer felt comfortable in the Mossad for what they had done to her and how they behaved, she decided to officially enter the NCIS, leaving agency of the father. That evening when she returned to her room he lay down on her bed, she could not believe what she had admitted; she was still upset when she fell asleep, letting a tear roll down her face aware of her allowing the past to hurt her again. Weeks had already passed and, although she occasionally went to the meeting with the teacher she had not bothered to reveal anything else, but that morning she could not help but think and rethink her words, thus leaving the memories of she resurfaced again.

"You know how difficult this has been!" Tony admitted closing the laptop after talking to his boss, lying to him.

"Gibbs was wrong. I didn't want you to find me, yet you found me ".

"I should have told him," he said annoyed but unconvinced.

"You can't knock on my door and wait for me a minute later to face my old life again," she replied angrily. Tony, however, did not let himself be intimidated by her temper and followed her into the house, aware that that conversation would not end like this.

"Why are you here?" she asked even though she already knew her answer after he crossed the threshold of the house.

"Because you invited me".

"That was before".

"Before what?" he asked unconsciously.

"You shouldn't have come" he finally admitted, feeling a strong pain in his heart, aware that those words would have hurt him.

As that dialogue faded, she couldn't help but think of him: of that man who had changed her life, who had given her the strength to fight but who at the same time had taken a part of himself. Miyagi seeing Ziva's expression and observing her tense body understood that her past was a topic she would have gladly done without talking about, so she had nothing else to do but hug her. They remained in that position for a few minutes and only after the teacher moved did she realize that Ziva had been crying: from her singing, Zivca, as soon as she realized she had been discovered, quickly wiped her eyes and walked away strides. She was now so good at hiding from her that she had deceived - not wanting - even him, but Miyagi was not willing to give up on her: he wanted to help her, he would do it and he would succeed. It hadn't been long since he had known her, but from the first moment they met he had grown fond of him and, without batting an eye, he understood what a wonderful person she was. Ziva deserved to be happy again and most importantly she deserved to find her inner peace. That afternoon their meeting ended in a somewhat gruff way, so he decided to leave her some time for himself: she undoubtedly needed to be alone for a while and calm down. Ziva that evening was unable to sleep immediately: she was tormented by the ghosts of the past that continued to haunt her without giving her time to breathe, but this time, perhaps thanks to the strength acquired in that period, without even realizing it, sleep took possession of her and she woke only in the late morning, when a light, crisp wind ruffled her hair and the sun's rays began to warm her golden skin. Miyagi had not yet arrived and she was already trembling to talk to him: she had thought about it for a long time, coming to the conclusion that the time had come. As soon as he crossed the park entrance she lit up, a big smile appeared on her face capable of warming everyone's hearts, her certainly hers.

"I wanted to ask you yesterday, but I didn't have the opportunity. Your reaction made me understand, even more, that the main reason for your state of discomfort is your past ". She smiled shyly, her cheeks suddenly took on color, ashamed of having run away like that; he immediately ran and put his hand on her.

"I understand the situation, but how come you carry all this pain, this anger and this resentment towards your family with you?"

Her question stunned her and those words from her took her back in time, to that afternoon and to that man who, without having news of her, was able to find her. Tony knew her after all.

"You asked me how I found you: for a long time I looked forward and kept saying to myself << you know her, all you have to do is anticipate her next move >>; then one night I had a dream and all the pieces came back together. Your family, your safe house, your and Ari's photo and your friend Beshan…. And when I woke up I understood, I knew it. You weren't looking forward, you were looking back ".

Ziva hearing those words she was amazed, she could not believe that Tony knew her so well.

Without giving her time to reply, he continued: "I followed your footsteps to Amman, where your mother was killed, then your grandparents' grave in Meron, the Cairo opera house where you took Tali and in the end I found here… .obviously, in the house you were born in "he concluded proud and proud of himself. Then she in a faint voice began to speak slowly, always keeping her eyes down on the floor feeling guilty.

"After my father's death, returning to these places seemed indispensable to me, it started out as a good thing but ... then I saw Deena and ...."

"All this can't be because of her," Tony said as he approached her, but she pulled away as if her presence created nothing more than pain.

"No, it's not her fault. And for me".

Tony, already understanding what he was referring to, I try to cheer her up "You had to kill Ari, a person who loved him doesn't change things."

"Yes, but I loved him too .; how I loved my father, my mother and Tali. How could I not have thought that for every man I killed there was someone out there crying for him?

"It's part of the job, you have to leave things as they are," he told her, fully understanding what she was going through at the time.

"Deena blames me. I thought that by returning to these places I could cancel everything, but each stage just became clearer. She was right. The center of all this pain is me "she admitted defeated and, with tears in her eyes.

Tony approached her slowly so as not to scare her, and sat down next to her, facing each other.

"Ziva it's not you," he comforted her with a soft, calm voice.

"This is me, Tony. This is what I have done with myself "she burst out suddenly angry making him amazed ..

"But that's not what I wanted to be," she managed almost in a whisper to confess.

"I know" those two words stretched out Ziva who looked up at his face, terrified until she, simply looking into her eyes, found the calm and tranquility she had lost.

"You wanted to be a dancer. Stop this for him? Who? Ari? Eli? God?"

"This should have remained buried," Ziva said annoyed, grabbing nastily the sheet-with the list of her wishes written as a child-that Tony held in her hands.

"Orli is looking for you too".

"This little girl was strong, she could have walked away from her father's world. Things could have been different, "she said, standing up and turning her back on him.

Tony, although hurt by her behavior that once again cut him out of her life, approached her and gently and delicately touched her cheek. At the mere touch she felt a warmth that spread throughout her body and, even if she worried about what could happen she did not move away because that gesture was all she needed.

Thinking back to that memory of her a tear from her involuntarily fell from her face and she hastened to wipe it away because this was not the time to cry. Even today, the very thought of that delicate touch of her, she was able to transmit a warmth that warmed her heart, giving her the strength necessary to be able to tell everything about her to Miyagi this time without hiding anything about her.

Her pain, her sense of guilt was an unbearable burden of which she as soon as she confided she was finally able to get rid of her: free from that boulder on the heart that she had endured up to that moment. She ziva felt lighter and perhaps all she had to do, from the very beginning was to speak and admit the truth.

3- "Increase your self-esteem"

Another two months had flown by so quickly that Ziva didn't even notice, but she was getting closer and closer to the end of her journey. She had been so busy helping the poor and children at school with the various chores at the monastery, that she had completely forgotten that that evening the teacher Miyagi would have to reveal the other stage to be faced. Having "freed herself" from her past somehow had influenced her, giving her that lightheartedness and grit that hadn't been traced for years: now, all of this made her so energetic and full of vitality that it almost another person. As soon as they sat down not far from the stream, she could not take her eyes off the sky: she admired the play of colors that ensued as the sun tried to warm their bodies with the last rays.

Miyagi spoke in a calm but deep voice: "If you have to find yourself, you have to love yourself. Finding a person you don't love doesn't make sense. You have to go back to being a positive, combative person who doesn't give up at the first difficulties ".

She didn't know how to answer: she loved herself, perhaps not as much as she should have, but she loved herself. Seeing his rapt gaze at her, he understood that he was already thinking what and how to do, but he still wanted to give her some advice that she obviously did not fail to accept. She had somewhat lost her conception with reality: she did not know how many days had passed without seeing each other and despite this she could not stop thinking about the words he had said to her and repeating the exercises he had assigned her. But that day she decided to take some time for herself and surprise him that she would certainly be welcome. Master Miyagi had been forced to stay at home because of the flu that she insisted on not passing him, so she Ziva before going to see him she went to the kitchen and prepared a hot broth that her mother used to make her when she he was sick. When she arrived at her house she kept knocking without receiving an answer, so she slowly opened the door and entered. As soon as he saw her, he was very happy and getting up abruptly a dizziness pervaded him making him lose his balance: it was thanks to Ziva's promptness and speed in acting that he was able to restore balance and get back on two firm feet.

"How are you doing with the assignment I gave you?"

"Well, I do the exercises every day and I think I begin to understand".

Those words were a real panacea for Miyagi who therefore succeeded in his intent: Ziva was healing, she had cast out the demons of his past and now she was gaining lost self-esteem; she still a few steps and she would achieve what she had come to seek.

"What prompted you to take this trip, obviously besides the dissatisfaction that comes with living a life that isn't yours?" he asked curiously, even though the question itself had a beginning. Ziva sitting in the armchair, hearing her question, she crossed her legs nervously and thought about her answer, which was so simple that she didn't want it to seem trivial.

"I did it for them, for him and for myself," she admitted joyfully.

"You still have time to change your mind," Tony told her before boarding the plane that would take him away from her.

"What do I tell the others?" he asked out of the blue, worried.

"That you were right. I have to start over, "Ziva replied softly, touching her hand.

"Good. We all know this won't be enough for Abby. "

"Tell her I'm honoring Gibbs."

"Gibbs?" Tony asked surprised.

"Stop this for him," she replied innocently back.

"Obviously Gibbs," said Tony sarcastically. He was hurt, because he thought that saying was referring to him, but it wasn't. Ziva not noticing Tony's disappointment continued to explain.

"I want to make Gibbs proud. He taught me to follow my heart and I know I have to… ..I have to do it alone. I have to leave everything behind otherwise .... I would go back to the starting point. Say this to Abby for me. You will understand "I confess almost pleading.

"I will do it".

Ziva was shaken and brought back to reality by the teacher who repeated the question she had not yet answered in a strong and profound tone.

"For them, for him, who?" he asked her, unable to understand.

"Gibbs, Tony, McGee and Abby; are the people who have always believed in me. Each of them entered my life slowly, breaking down the walls that I raised, letting me learn to love them without expecting to be reciprocated. I have never been an outgoing or very affectionate person, I have always kept the emotions, the feelings for myself; yet for a reason unknown to me they continued to be close to me ".

She had no doubts why ... simply what they had seen in Ziva was the same thing that Miyagi had understood from the beginning.

"To answer your question, I did it for them, but mainly for Gibbs. He was like a father to me, he never demanded anything, he accepted me as I was without trying to change me. And then ... I did it for him ... for my him: Tony "she admitted these last words in a faint voice, blushing, embarrassed because it was the first time she admitted it out loud. Those words were only the beginning of the conversation that did not stop; she began to tell him about the funny moments shared with her team, about Tony about her, when she was little and about the broth that her mother prepared for her and that she had brought her for that occasion. Without even realizing it, Ziva, revealing those small details, she had just completed the phase on self-esteem. She had managed to believe in herself to the point of opening up and admitting details he hadn't asked for. She was beginning to regain confidence in herself and in others; however, she had to face another important stage which, even if minimally too, was responsible for her feeling out of place of her.

4- "Make a list"

"Finding yourself is not immediate, you probably have to make a list of things to do to get to the finish line. Start from the first and do it, then move on to the next and one by one without ever stopping. "

Ziva almost smiled with tears in her eyes leaving the teacher thrilled who did not know how to interpret her reaction, but when she saw the glint in her eyes she understood that it was not a bad thing at all. It was like a password, each phase corresponded to a flashback that inevitably brought it back to him and to their last moments lived together.

"This is the house where you were born, the universe is practically begging you to make a clean sweep of the past. I noticed that there is a lot of space on the back of this list "and to point it out, he touched her hand voluntarily. Aware of the effect he had on her, he emitted an amused grin from her lips, but I immediately became serious seeing the glare she had thrown at her.

"You can start a new one and maybe I can help you" he told her, but she shook her head because this was another thing she should have done alone. After writing the list of which no one knew the contents, if not she decided to bury her in the trees of the backyard, as she had done many years ago.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked worriedly, seeing her face darken.

"No, but it's a start," she confessed, smiling at him, even though her gaze was veiled by sadness and melancholy.

"You don't have to do it alone. Come back to Washington with me ".

"The first thing on the new list is: Leave your badge," she confided.

Those words hurt Tony more than he let on.

"I'm not talking about NCIS. Listen, for all I care, you might as well work in a grocery store just ... come home. I just want you to come home. Tona home… .with me, "she admitted in a broken voice as a tear ran down her face. She came closer, and just before placing her hands still trembling on his face with a kiss she collected that tear transforming it into a sweet memory.

A few inches from her lips Tony said to her, "Hey! Listen I know it's hard, I know you want to change and I can change with you "trying to change her mind - difficult because she was stubborn and when she got something into her head no one could make her change it to give them a chance. They could have done it together.

At that eventuality she was saddened because perhaps she had acted too hastily, but it was something she had to do despite the pain she felt at that moment in letting him go.

"What is so funny that it makes you smile?"

"Excuse me master Miyagi, it was not my intention to make fun of you and I assure you I have not done it and only ... I have already made a list before leaving" she replied joyfully.

"So what is it that makes you so happy, not that I'm sorry," she added immediately after him.

"I've already checked everything on the to-do list during this trip, but there are a couple that I haven't done and I won't be able to do." He looks at her confused at first, but as soon as she looked down, she understood; she lacked the main factor in her.

"It's about him, isn't it?" I ask smiling and happy.

Still with her eyes down, "Yes," she replied, feeling like a child with her first crush. The sudden redness, the accelerated heartbeat, the flickering in the pit of the stomach: all symptoms that occur when you see or think of your loved one and all belonged to them without exception. As soon as she looked up, Miyagi saw her terrified eyes, she was afraid of that something she didn't know or couldn't control; so he approached them sitting next to her and with one of her arms he surrounded her. That gesture was enough for Ziva to calm down: she let out a sigh of relief, lowering her shoulders in rhythm as if to ease the tension that had been created.

"Do not worry. Everything will be fine "he heartened her, holding her even more in her arms; she returned with a strong squeeze and that made him jump and laugh at the same instant.

5- "Finish the journey with a trip"

A few weeks earlier, master Miyagi had given her the theme of the last stage, she still could not believe that she had reached the end of this long journey and that she had found what she was looking for. So many months had passed by now, that she no longer knew if she would recognize her when she returned, when she herself struggled. She looked in the mirror and saw a new herself, even if the reflection of her was always the same, she had changed.

Changing is difficult.

Any change you want to make cannot and must begin with yourself.

It is the inner energy, the one you believe you do not have, that allows you to overcome the defenses and justifications that the mind provides.

Change requires actions because words alone are not enough: words can only be the beginning. It occurs through the transformation of awareness, it is born from the heart, it expands throughout the body and in every garment of one's being.

Ziva, she did nothing but repeat in her mind the words that the master Miyagi had said to her that morning, those same words that left love in her mouth and that sense of emptiness.

"Peace of mind comes from within us and the happiness that comes when reaching the goal must be shared".

That speech did nothing but sadden her: everything was about to end, although she was happy to return home, she would miss everyone she had known along her path. I think Miyagi to make her smile again.

"Put your backpack on your back we leave" the teacher told her immediately after he arrived at their morning meeting.

"Where do we go?" she asked curiously, only after recovering from her amazement at her surprise.

"I want to take you to a place. You will like it, trust me "and without further ado they set off in search of that magical place, the idea of ​​which piqued Ziva's imagination even more.

The Gaeta is a promontory like others or so you might think, yet there is something that distinguishes it. It stretches out over long green valleys, untouched by the hand of man, it has a luxuriant flora and breathtaking panoramic views. It is the destination sought after by few, due to the difficulty encountered in reaching it, perhaps it is precisely for this reason that the atmosphere you breathe is almost magical, the contact with nature that derives from it is supreme and the peace in which immerses cannot fail to touch the strings of the soul.

A sigh of ecstasy escaped Ziva's lips as she reached the summit.

"And how did you expect it?" the teacher asked, not at all surprised by her reaction.

"No. It's something-what-knows about ... ..mera-viglio-so "she admitted stammering a little, still inebriated by the wonder that presented itself in front of her.

Recovering from the spell, she asked: "How did you find this place?"

"My father took me there once and showed me what he meant <>, and since then I've been coming at least once a month".

"Why did you bring me here? I admit that it is of pure beauty and I would not have had the opportunity to admire it, but…. "

"You just answered yourself" he answered laughing and teasing her, she in return made her tongue out.

From the silence that reigned, you could only hear their laughter echoing in the quiet atmosphere that surrounded them. Returning serious, Miyagi finally admitted that truth that displaced Ziva and made her excited.

"I wanted to take you to this enchanted valley because your journey had to end with a journey, and not just the one referring to your return home. I decided to give it to you and to share this wonderful experience with you ".

Moved by those words, Ziva rushed towards him taking a slow run-up and even before the master noticed it, she found herself surrounded by her arms. That simple gesture contained all of Ziva's gratitude towards Miyagi: for having accompanied her along this path, for helping her to discover parts of herself that she did not even know existed, for supporting her in moments when she needed a person who held out a hand to her, for being so patient and for giving her back the peace she had lost for years. He lifted her face in a sweet and gentle way, and wiped a tear that she had let fall from her face for the only moment she was experiencing.

"You can do that," she told him, giving her the warmest, most joyful smile she possessed.

For a moment she seemed not to understand, but then it was enough to look him in her eyes, to see the glint they emanated to understand.

"I AM FREE" she began to scream at her, repeating those three words over and over again, letting the wind take them with it and listening to the echo of her voice, finally free.

They talked for hours, confided secrets, emotions and sensations to each other to reach an almost perfect level of complicity. He had never seen Ziva talk so much, much less about herself, about her dreams, her hopes and her feelings: it could very well be said that she was this was a new Ziva. As night fell, they had arranged sleeping bags on the ground, one next to the other, where they would sleep that night admiring the starry sky. She was so caught up in her memories that she didn't realize she was trembling, it wasn't from the cold, but from the fear of tomorrow, of what she did not yet know, of what she would have to face when she returned, of those feelings so intense and deep that pressed to go out and that she wanted to shout them to the whole world. It had taken years before she understood what her mother had always told her and now she could say that she was right about her.

Everyone needs sweetness, acts of pure happiness, a pinch of madness, for no specific reason, other than what can come from love or friendship.

The need - for peace, to feel good about yourself - that you feel is no different to the sense of melancholy that pervades when you know you are alone. It only takes a moment, one day in the park, sitting on a bench to observe everyday life motionless, people darting in front of their eyes and feeling that the only thing to do for the sense of emptiness that assails is a hug, a caress.

It is not possible to save yourself.

Alone you can be used to shelter from the world,

but salvation is due to others.

So many times you need a caress,

not because it feels bad,

not because you are sad,

but only because you need it, that's all.

"Those who succeed best in life are not the most capable but rather the most determined; and above all the determination to achieve the desired result, which make us better. Willpower is needed to achieve small daily goals, but also great goals and the most beautiful dreams, "master Miyagi told her suddenly, as they gazed in amazement at the starry sky. Ziva gave him a look full of affection and gratitude without hiding the emotion she was feeling, despite the fear and terror she had of returning.

"Are you ready to go home," he admitted in a faint voice as if he had read her mind, hugging her even closer to impress that memory, those emotions of hers in her mind.

Life teaches us so many things: one of them is that people are never what they seem.

Author's space:

Here I am again to update the second chapter.

I have to make some clarifications of the story: its development takes place after the 11x02 of NCIS (obviously this is for those who follow the series), some dialogues or facts that I have reported happened in the series, while others are of my invention; and furthermore, for the information on the phases that Ziva will face for her path, these are real news, which I took from an article in Aperto Imprese (by Alessandro Nicoletti) I thought that with my plot they were spot on and so I wanted to insert them, developing my own history. Thanks, just like last time, go first of all to my cousin Viviana for helping me and having been by my side in the development of the story, then I thank my sister because she too helped me in her own way, and finally, no less caring thank you two unique friends;) Alice (on EFP life before his eyes) and Lucrezia (on EFP _Fire). Finally, my thanks go to all those who love Ncis, who love Tivas and to all my readers ... thanks for taking your time and reading it, if you go, leave a negative or positive review that will always be welcome =)

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