Chapter II

"If you want to die, strive to live as much as you want to die."

August 17, 2019:

I washed my face, brushed my teeth, untagled my hair. I convinced myself again that it was necessary so that in the future I could do what I loved or at least ensure my survival, for now I successfully escape from my ethereal destiny. I escape by my own means, but is it is perennial memories that haunt my head, I had to be that luminescense in the darkness. In my previous story I defeated fate proudly, but it had taken away my resilence and my nephelibata capacity.

I know I'm no longer that Charlotte, who made her enemies burn in the fire of her hair, but that didn't mean I didn't try to find myself again.

I stropped my thoughts and grabbed my bag to go straight to work as a waitress, dishwasher, and occasionally cook. The dream that until a while ago made me uncomfortable was slowly disappearin from my mind. That dream that kept me alert, but in a way acted as a tranquilizer.

When I arrived as usual I greeted all the people who corssed my path, most of them adults without a steady job, trying to survive just like me.

I started my work delivering and receiving food, walking fast from one side to the other, with the smell of so much food in my clothes, this day there was an accident with one of the cooks and I replaced her place, the heat in the kitchen was so much that I was close to suffocate, but I could not give up, HA! This was nothing, I still had a lot to do, this was just temporary, when I finished with the service I had to washlike thousands of dishes of this restaurant and then finish and say goodbye at six o'clock in the evening to the people I met.

I took a step and discovered that a persistent pain was present in my feet, lately something strange was happening with me, it is worth repeating this, but I was not like that, this was not even half of what I was.

So the tears warned me that soon they were going to come out, being along and with so many worries was not something easy, but I should never give me up. I breathed, took another step, but this time Xissna appeared with a box of chocolates and a smile.

— For God's sake, Xissna, how did you know I was sad and pitiful? Hey, you even made me say "For God's sake. — I said. She guffawed.

— I'm here to support you Char, you made it out of there but now you're going to enter another kind of hell. I figured you were alone with your dainty feet and terrible memories, so I told myself I could come to you. And changing the subject, you said "My goodness "You sure are a bad atheist. — She joked at the last.

— Let's go to my house Xiss, and in fact I still don't know whether to be an atheist or not, maybe I don't believe in anything, but that doesn't mean I'm an atheist, nor that I deny the existence of a God or many. But leaving that topic aside, let's go to my place we have to talk about the P.S.L.— Xissna's face turned a pale color and I hurried the way to my apartment. As usual we both took our cell phones, put them in a cotton plastic case and left them in the bathroom and walked to my bedroom.

— Charlotte, why do you want to talk about it, it's in the past? — I let out a sigh and looked at her.

— I think it's a side effect of being in the P.S.L., yesterday I shared a dream with someone else. And remember that past we shared should never be forgotten because it can happen again.

My dear friend's face took on an even deeper green color and her eyes fell to the ground, her memories came back to her.

— Do you think he is also a number in the P.S.L.? — I shook my head.

— He's in love with a Leila or Liseth... I can't remember her name, but he told me. If he's in love, he couldn't have been a number in that place, there's no time for that.

— You are right, he would not have had time for that, but what really worries you is that so many years in that place has caused you more physical damage than Fóvos. Right? Besides, how can you be sure that it was a real person and not your imagination? — I was afraid for my health and because in a few months I would have to face Fóvos again and everything, but now was not the time, I had to adapt to what was in front of me.

— Anyway, what is the name of the boy with whom you shared a dream?

I searched in my head for the name of that young man with shiny dark hair.

— Leonard, that's the name of that boy.

My friend broke away from me.

— Well Chari, it was only once, there is not chance it will happen again or maybe it was your imagination, we better eat what I brought and cure your feet, you are still not totally used to the shoes, they must bother you. — Xissna's words had an inmense power in me to reassure me and how could they not if she knew me, in fact, she knew the "numbers" in general so well.

— Yes, we'd better eat. — I said as a tiny complaint accompanied by a terrible tiredness. From seven until ten o'clock at night we ate and talked about so many philosophical things that we have always admired in books. Then we fell down exhausted.

I breathed into my dream and looked around me, this time the scenery was a wheat field with cypress trees, it was a comfortable and warm place. Suddenly I felt I was taking a trip. It was a landscape that was alien to me. Then another voice alerted me.

— We meet again Charlotte. — I looked at Leonard and this time analyzing him I discovered that he had black eyes worthy of admiration, the kind where you couldn't see the pupils, however, those eyes also reminded me of another unpleasant place.

— Hello, Leo, it seems we have met again. — He showed his corners down.

— I don't like being called Leo. I approached slowly and noticed his hair, a well-groomed one and it was even shining despite being dark.

— Could you give me a reason why you don't like to be called Leo? But if you don't want me to, I won't insist. — I asked, sitting down between two cypress trees. He remained silent.

— Leo, we are in a dream and probably when I wake up I will forget everything you have told me. Why not talk about things you would never do when you are awake? He sat down across from me. I gave him a good point.

— Good point Char, it won't hurt to free me from so much. I don't like you calling me Leo because of Raíl, he is my best friend for some years now, but a friendship doesn't involve the years of friendship but the connection you manage to get with that person. Raíl is and will be my best friend forever.

He always called me by my full name when we were good or it was a joke, but when Raíl was upset or wanted to tell me something serious or wanted to give me advice he called me "Leo" with a rough tone and when he did that I felt reprimanded too dear it was a strange feeling. Raíl is a very direct person, that's why he was hated.

One day in the busiest street he advised me to stop looking, to stop loving Lilith so deeply for my sake because in front we had a wide view of her with a guy loving each other, I got angry, I ordered him to go down the other alley, we knew that this alley was dangerous and I forced him, as expected we were assaulted, we gave everything, but my friend was one of those who nailed a murderous look, a guy had a metal rod in his hand and said. "So very haughty, isn't he?" He gave him a blow on his head and they walked away quietly, he only complained of pain and I took him to the hospital, they checked him, they admitted him to see his conditions, Raíl said over and over again "I'm fine". It was a lie, whenever he said those two words he always smiled, that smile had him since he was young, that smile was a "Don't think about me because I will know how to fix it."

I stood there the whole time and then in the wee hours of the morning he threw up and mumbled something. He tried to stand up, but he lost his balance, I called the doctors. And upon seeing him and checking him they recommended that I call his family for his last moments. "Severe brain injury." So I did and called everyone, among them was Lilith, I explained everything, they quickly went to see him, I was the last one.

I remember that day...

<<"— Leo tomorrow or tonight I think I'm going to die, I know because I feel it. Keep this in mind, it wasn't your fault and it never will be. It was the wrong people at the wrong time. And well Leo it's okay, I'm going to die, I'd be lying to you if I told you I wasn't scared. But I love you and I don't want you to become those typical cliché characters with a dark past that hurt the ones they love. I will only ask you one thing, if you want to die, strive to live as much as you want to die.>> The next day we watched his favorite movies together, "The butterfly effect and the philosophers" First we watched "the philosophers" then butterfly effect and he died in "butterfly effect" movie with his favorite alternative ending, in which the boy commits suicide in his mother's womb for the girl. I never felt guilty about his death, but I did feel guilty for not feeling guilty about his death. Then I checked my pockets.

Raíl stopped watching the movie and rushed to hug me and cry like a child. In my pockets there was a small notebook that said "Raíl and the only person who loved him", it was Raíl's diary. In the diary he wrote about his process in the orphanage, the person who adopted him was a masochist, his escape from that place and how he met me. Two fragments that when I read them marked his future and the reason for his actions. Of course there were more pages, but some made no sense.

<<" January 3, 2015"

Hi I'm Raíl, it can't be that I'm writing this, but I'm doing it so it's a fact, this in a way helps me to "vent" and narrate part of my story where Leo is important, he is a person for whom I would give my life if they were about to assassinate us, I would do my best to stand out more than my friend and receive the blows of him on me because he helped me economically, psychologically, I consider myself his friend, he was so honest and came to save my life. But well, I would like to start when I was twelve years old I was on a terrace, determined to end the mistreatment, determined to fly, determined to end that light. And then you came Leo, with the eyes of an innocent child you asked me "Do you want a chocolate?" and you gave it to me telling me "When I am sad I also look down wishing to end it all, but then I think that I cannot die for me but I must live for what I want to do." You were the first to give me that hand to lift me up and not hit me, the one who didn't care about my unpleasant smell or the clothes I was wearing, you were the first to darken that light that was making me blind, HAHA, now that I think about it if I could be reborn again I would be a writer, I'm good at it. >>

<<"January 25, 2018"

I'm about to die, I'll be frank I'm sure I won't live more than a day or two, so I've decided to finish telling what I left unfinished on January 3, 2015. In previous pages I never got to put an end to the first writing of this diary written on the date mentioned above, in case you do not get to understand why I am here forgetting little by little of everything and it turns out that this is the only thing I do not want to fade from my head, continuing with that writing "Then you left, and you know I did not fly or stop with the light because your words gave me so much curiosity, that I decided to know the meaning of it, as you know you always need a purpose to live, curiosity is a great ally to take a step in any direction but back then memories were a flash in my eyes, a cruel flash of fate, if you can put it that way, I will make a simple metaphor, you were those black glasses for the sun. ">>

<<"January 26, 2018"

"Now I understand, truly Thank you! You were not the best of my life nor the worst, you were something deeper, you were that help I needed. If you want to die, strive to live as much as you want to die. That's why it's okay to die because I don't want to die anymore.">>

— I don't like to be called Leo because Raíl used to do it. And I feel so bad every time someone calls me Leo because I think I did something wrong and that person might faint like he did. And I know it sounds silly, but that's how I feel. Besides only he had that privilege, I told you about it, those pages and his death are marking my present and future, there are things I don't understand and that frustrates me a lot. — Leonard shrank like a little child and let his tears fall one after another.

— All the more reason to call you Leo. — I blurted out simply. His brow furrowed and he leaned closer in annoyance.

— I opened up and even told you everything so that you would avoid calling me that way. Can't you understand? — I pulled away a little, this was a dream, but even in dreams a man or woman can be dangerous, I know that perfectly well.

— No, I can't understand why you are running away and from what I understood he wanted you to go on living for you. It's good that you told me your reasons for not calling you by your diminutive but wouldn't it be better if I called you Leo and you know that something in your life is wrong if in spite of everything you keep chasing Lilith like an obsession, just as you said I'll call you Leo so that you feel reprimanded and understood, so that you remember Raíl, so that the next time you tell Raíl's story it will sound like someone brave and who will remain in your memory because even though it hurts you still love him and you did your part by not feeling guilty in its entirety because Raíl no longer wanted to die, he cherished his life and his friend. — I said shamelessly, if I'm going to live with this boy I'm not going to keep quiet, or maybe it's just a coincidence, it's chance after all.

— Let's talk about him. — He begged. I agreed and stared at his eyes, that boy was still devastated by the loss of his friend and I understand him all the more, if Xissna were to die I would be worse than him.

— All right Leo. — I said. The black-haired man frowned even more.

— Leonard, please. — He demanded in a commanding tone. I turned my gaze towards him.

— Leo. — I repeated with confidence and without looking away when your gaze betrayed your desire for me to disappear.

— Charlotte, I didn't allow you to call me that, we're not even close. Just because only you know this story doesn't mean you can take power from it. — He blurted out.

— We are not close, but you have told me something of a painful caliber that would be disrespectful to Raíl if the only one you told this to didn't call you Leo so you could feel reprimanded for something you know is wrong or an action that could affect you and those you love. And if you wonder why I meddle in your affairs is because you yourself have given me the power to meddle, since, I am not one of those people who support you with pity in their looks. And well you have told me this and it is better that you know it now and direct than late and with consequences.

With every word that left my lips it seemed to hurt Leonard as large salty drops came out and made their way down his cheeks.

— Why did the orange stop? — He asked suddenly as he wiped away his tears and took a deep breath.

— I don't know. Why? — He denied and placed his eyes a little puffy from crying in front of me.

— Because it ran out of juice. — And here I am laughing at a bad joke told at a bad time by a person who wants to stop talking. — A joke is a good excuse to avoid answering what you cannot. — I said to myself a little amused.

— No, it's to avoid answering what you don't want to. — Leonard explained.

— By the way, Charlotte, where are you from, I mean, this one in real life? — I smiled and decided to answer him, not exactly where I lived, but close. When I tried to say my location my voice wouldn't come out, not a single word was emitted.

— I can't hear you Charlotte, Leonard told me so I tried to explain it with my actions. I placed my hands on my throat and then shook my head. He didn't seem to understand.

I woke up with cold all over my body, I felt more tired than before and breathing was a little difficult. A person's memory is fragile, I'm sure I forget this, forgetting secrets is better than telling them. How can something so simple affect so much? And no, I don't mean someone's death .