Chapter III

Guilt

Feelings control more when you think you control them.

August 20, 2019.

It's been three days since that dream, Xissna had to leave as her job required a lot of effort, she was older than me by at least five years, after that dream I woke up and headed to get something to eat. What I dreamt this time was not erased from my head. It stayed there, dormant in my head over and over again and on the morning of August 18, Xissna noticed it.

— Char, are you okay," she asked with obvious concern and offering me a cup of coffee, "Maybe, but..." I took a breath and looked into Xissna's clear eyes.

— But I dreamt about Leo again, this is the second time. And this dream has left me uneasy, it's not Fóvos. But it has left a bad impression on me, I don't know why, but there was a name in the dream that made me tremble a little. — Finally I confessed while I waited attentively for my friend's answer.

— Wait for me for a while. — She asked me, then took out her cell phone and began to type quickly and then looked at me.

— Apparently this is a bit normal, it says here that when you share dreams you also share feelings and ideologies since you are dealing directly with the other person's thoughts and mind. There will be a mixture as you both dream. This causes you to feel confused at the beginning. This sounds logical. And the best part is from a scientific study, it is part of a magnificent report. — He explained as he gave a quick read of his cell phone and gave me a scruffy smile.

I hugged Xissna, which was reciprocated, and then smiled at her.

— Yes, it sounds logical. Anyway, how have things been going over there," I asked as I sat down on a wooden chair.

— Well, it turns out that the job I have chosen is very good, but there is an engineer who is after me, because he is after me and he wants more than just a study about my work.

I finished all the contents of my cup, got up and put it in the sink — Xiss, give me a name, this old man can't keep breathing our oxygen. — I asked him while I took a paper and a pencil.

— You know I can handle it, it's okay.

— I know you can get rid of filthy trash like that, but to do that we also have to take into account the environment and the factors to end that one. — She sat down on a bench. -I know, but I can handle it. - On the paper I began to write.

— Let's start brainstorming. One, if he disappears, they will immediately suspect you because he was chasing you. Two, you have documents like passport, ID card, you are registered. Three, nobody knows me from that place. Four, I don't mind ending up with the garbage we have been dealing with for so many years. Five, I'm good with words. Six, I know where to get rid of him. — She put her hands on the paper.

— Don't smear your hands with dirty blood Charlotte, someday we have to stop. Fleeting memories took over my mind.

— You know I've always stained myself with that kind of blood and so far I haven't gotten poisoned or traumatized. Besides there's less chance of getting caught, I'm not even registered. So it's fine. — She finally agreed, but not before saying "It's a human life".

— Yes, it's a human life, but it's one of those lives that threaten your little sister, those that torture you, those that shouldn't be considered lives. And I know that since we came to this society and we saw that reality.

He seemed to understand and then forced a smile, grabbed his things to go to work. Besides if he died it would not affect society as such.

On August 19 I dreamed again with Leo, this time we could not establish a conversation, since every time we tried to talk we were not heard, we were silenced, something or someone prevented us from listening to each other. So we resigned ourselves to silent and pleasant company. Well at least that's what he tried to do since without any words it became boring for Leo so he started to write on the ground.

— Hi Charlotte, I'm Leo, although I think you already know that, do you want to read an interesting fact? — I approached the earth and nodded as he continued.

— Medical errors are the third leading cause of death in the United States. -I already knew that fact, so I stopped reading and picked up a nearby stick to write on.

— I already knew that fact. — He smiled and wrote. — I'm glad. — The dream ended there and I woke up at six in the morning.

Then I started to investigate with Xissna, about the students pursued by that engineer.

And well here we are, back to August 20, 2019. This day I had no work, but Xissna had classes. I got dressed up, just enough to stand out more than usual. I took the bus and I could notice in me the "evil" look of so many people, I wouldn't know how to describe their look, maybe it fits better as "perverse", however, I let it go. I was getting more and more disappointed in people. I got off the bus and heard clearly how another girl said "That one looks like the one who always gets under our men's blankets, she's an easy one", this time I was more disappointed, I got back on the bus and headed towards that girl. I never had a lot of patience.

— Hello, I heard what you said, if you're going to talk about someone, at least have the delicacy to do it in front of them. — I said out loud and gave her a contemptuous look.

— Just look how you're dressed and you'll know what she said," replied her friend.

— I'm sorry I'm not talking to you, but your friend has a mouth and a voice to speak, don't you think?

She got angry, I felt victorious, her emotions controlled her, she couldn't control herself.

— If you want to listen to my angelic voice so much, you look like a bitch, that's what I said. — I fell so low as to not understand the complexity of that comparison, foxes are animals with cunning and beauty.

— I wasted my time by paying attention to you and you by not realizing that you only create gaps for the stereotype of women in society to emerge, you spoil the gender you belong to, you talk as if you know it and worst of all you fight for men so I must come to the unfortunate conclusion that society manipulated you at its whim.

I turned around and headed for the exit, I would soon reach the other stop. Apparently the girl could not handle her words, nor respond and resorted to violence, a grave mistake. She grabbed my hair and pulled it waiting for a whimper from me. I took a breath, looked at her, turned around, walked over and planted a beautiful souvenir on her left cheek, not to mention a slap. She was left crying. I just defended myself while people's eyes followed me.

— What a waste of time, I should have ignored the annoyances who only know how to complain. — I paid the driver and got off, then walked to my destination. I found Xissna and she slyly gave me a paper with the location of that gentleman.

When I arrived, I entered the room. And I met a man in his thirties, he was sweaty and with a more than perverse look.

— Good morning, Engineer Francisco Zestar. I am Samanta, I am here for the position of secretary in the marine biology area. — I approached pretending naivety with a shy smile, yes just today began the acquisition of new staff and only a few usually arrive.

— And I wanted to know if the position is still open or otherwise if he could offer me another position.

He smiled victoriously and put his arm around me. — Of course, Miss Samantha, but I'm busy at the moment, come here after half an hour. — I smiled and hurried out of that suffocating room. I left the room and went straight to the bathrooms to wash myself, hoping that his smell would go away.

Finally, the time came and I returned to the living room. — Is Engineer Franciso Zestar here? — I asked, in the darkness I clearly distinguished his figure. — Yes, Miss Samanta. — He said in a coarse voice, which I found disgusting and terrible, sounding sick.

— Let's get out of here, I already paid for a nice hotel a little while ago. Let's go, so we can have more fun. — He heard a laugh and then went out the door, he didn't even wait for my answer and ended up pulling my arm out.

Then we started walking and we got to the cab he asked for, I was going to give the address to the young man who was the cab driver. I quickly stopped him.

— Where does he plan to take me?

— To the most acceptable Anterod hotel of course to the "Ingenius" — I sighed with relief because my plan was just to try to take him there, we arrived at the hotel, it was not one that stood out, but it was in a place I knew.

When we got to the room, this Francisco took off almost all his clothes I thought it was terrible, I just walked over and took off the jacket I was wearing.

— Francisco and if we go to the bathroom, they have a nice decoration. — I begged in a fake tone. He smiled broadly and walked towards the bathroom. I locked the door and opened the shower. I placed my hands on his neck and slowly approached him.

In my hands there was a ring, that ring hid a small blade, so I stopped smiling, fixed the right place to hit the internal jugular.

— Sara, Sasha, Mariela, Ariel, abused by you. My friend, you molested her and dug your grave. You meddled where you shouldn't have. — The terror and anger impregnated in him was not at all worthy for the suffering of those girls. In the end I pressed on the exact place and the blood began to appear, I took advantage while he tried to scream to gag him so that he drowned in his own blood, unable to call for help. He ended up dying. The bathroom is the best place, you don't have to clean much. Besides, I couldn't murder anyone without enough information and interviews with the poor girls.

I called Lyssandro, P.S.L.'s number three, lucky for me he got the position of general manager of this place.

— Charlotte, was he the one who bothered Xiss? — I nodded and pointed to the body.

— Lyssandro, the incinerator, is he nearby?

— Yes, come on I'll help you load it, I already turned off the cameras since you arrived, with this I only owe you three more favors. Right? — I laughed.

— My friend, only three more. And Mr. "Frank" is drunk and insomniac, if anyone asks and just happens to be in our way. — We went out, we met two or three concerned receptionists, I told them that Francisco drank too much, his body was covered by a towel, I had washed his blood before and we covered his head with a cloth. When we arrived at the incinerator, we placed him there and on top of it, we put wood from a eucalyptus tree around him, to diminish the smell, also lemon.

I went back to the room together with Lyssandro, cleaned the blood from the bathroom, put disinfectant. Lyssandro left the room and I stayed in that hotel bed. Now I was sure, some people are disappointing, Xissna's words took coherence when I was in that room. I came out of one hell to find myself in another.

My eyelashes closed to plunge me into a full sleep, there was Leo. He looked at me and seemed surprised. Then I turned my gaze to my locker room, it was soaked in blood.

— What a surprise Charlotte, what's with the clothes? — I looked around, I could hear him so he could hear me too. We were in the fall, on a brick bridge.

— I killed a man. — His face paled, his astonishment undisguised, his look, fortunately, did not change.

— Who was the man? — He asked. — A rapist, his name was Francisco. -He sighed in relief and strangely I felt that we had both killed someone, it was quite strange I never shared the blame for anything, then I remembered Xissna's words, in shared dreams, we both shared everything, even feelings.

— I did it too, I was wrong and I killed him. — I could feel guilt, sadness and discomfort. He continued. — I am a doctor, I generated an infection in the patient I have, he is the first patient to die at my hands, it was not exactly my fault, but a nurse did not clean the instruments properly. Nurse "Lilith". — He explained, I watched him.

— I guess you'll have to change nurses. — I opted to say.

— Yeah, I guess. She's an intern. Remember the interesting fact?

— Yes. — Physician errors are the third leading cause of death in the United States.

— I can't allow another mistake, costing another patient's life. — Then I felt an immense sadness. The disappointment was choking me. But there was something that comforted me.

— I am glad that Francisco no longer exists. He would never be part of a mistake, he is a relief to the world. Even if it's a life. — Leo felt guilty.

— Leo, mistakes are made, even if it's one person's life. And you know that when one of your team fails, you as a leader take it as your own. Just try not to do the same. For the lives you manage on a daily basis please think about your obsession.

But there is something, I forgot one small detail, something I once possessed, something that is gone, something I long for and something I needed because of the way I am, my resilience was taken from me. So when my dream ended, my tears kept coming.

So when I end my dream, my heart was pounding.

So when I end my dream, my mind was tangled.

So when I finish my dream, the magnitude of my actions tormented me.

Why had I forgotten something as important as my resilience? Ah, habit, that fucking habit I had before.

I got up, strangely I had the feeling of overcoming something so strong that it caused a headache. Suddenly I was missing Raíl and I was beginning to dislike Lilith a little.

The guilt was slowly fading away. I felt better, I could breathe and for the first time in a long time I could see things clearly and with color. I felt capable.

But something was missing something, no, it wasn't something but someone.

— Who could it be?