Chapter 9: Am I selfish?

I wake up, my pillow is soaked from my tears. I feel someone stroke my hair and I turn to see Jayden. I realize it was just a dream, or maybe it was a vision from Arcadia, telling me how selfish I am.

I turn away from him, feeling ashamed. I didn't even think about the fact that I was hurting him by making him feel for me, I was only thinking about what I wanted. Even if I want him now, I don't know how I'll feel when I meet Arcadia.

"Look at me Olivia," he says, looking concerned.

I did what he said, but I didn't want to confide in him about it this time, I'm not the victim in this situation so why should I go to him for comfort?

"What's wrong?" He asks.

I decide to lie, "I'm just worried that I'm not gonna be able to figure everything out."

"I don't believe you."

"Why? It's the truth."

He looks into my eyes, "it's not the truth Olivia. You're worried that you did something wrong. I'm sorry for leaving, but you didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why did you leave?"

He sighs, "Olivia I left because I'm scared of making you feel guilty. I know you feel guilty for having feelings for me, and I understand that. But you can not control who you feel for, and Arcadia will understand. When you meet, you'll know if you're meant to be or not, but before then, you are both free to do whatever you want. You're not committed to each other yet. As for me, you don't have to worry about me. If I fall in love with you, and then you end up with Arcadia, I'll be alright, I already know that there's a pretty high chance of it happening. I'm not worried about my own feelings, I'm worried about yours."

"I'm selfish Jayden." I say, looking down.

"Olivia you are far from selfish, you are the most caring person I know."

I sigh, "can I tell you something?"

He looks at me and puts his arms around me, "of course."

"I had a dream- or a vision. You... you told me that I was selfish and that you'll never love me. Celeste and Beth started calling me selfish too and kicked me out, and then Arcadia told me that I had betrayed him."

I feel his arms tighten around me and he pulls me into his chest, "it wasn't a vision, it was just a dream. I would never say that to you, Beth and Celeste would never judge you or kick you out, and Arcadia will not be mad at you for living your life before you meet him. We can't choose who we feel for, don't feel guilty."

I start to think as tears fill my eyes, "Jayden you do everything for me, and so does everybody else here. Everyone's trying to help me, and I'm not even focusing as I should, I've been wrapped up in my feelings. And I feel like I'm leading you on, I feel like I'm going to hurt you more than I should. I don't even want to love Arcadia, but if I do, will you hate me?" My thoughts and my words juggle through my mind.

"You're finding yourself, don't worry. We've only been here for 2 days and you're already making progress. Just because you're supposed to be learning doesn't mean you can't still have fun. There were a couple places I could've brought you, but I chose here because I know you could still have fun and enjoy your time. And like I said, Olivia, don't worry about me. I could never hate you. If I feel for you, and then you fall in love with Arcadia, that's my own fault, and it'd be worth it. Everything will fall into place, and you're right where you need to be. Don't think about my feelings, don't think about Arcadia's, think about yours."

I finally believe him, "I'm sorry for dumping this all on you I just-"

He squeezes me tight and cuts me off, "that's what I'm here for, you talk to me about whatever you need to. I know things are confusing, and I'm really sorry for leaving you, I should've stayed."

My eyes meet his, "I understand why you left, thank you for being here for me."

"Of course, you may want to get ready, lunch will be ready soon."

I not my head and go into the bathroom to change, and when I come out, he's sitting on the bed waiting for me.

"Will you be able to focus today? If you want, we can start tomorrow instead of today."

I shake my head, "I can't just keep pushing things off every time something happens, I'll be okay."

He grabs my hand and we go downstairs, where the table is already set.

I go into the kitchen to see if Beth needs help, when she sees me, she smiles, "would you mind helping me run the food out?"

I nod and smile as I load plates up onto a tray and then I follow her out to the dining room. We set the plates in front of everyone and then she grabs my tray from me and brings it back the kitchen, she then comes back out to sit and eat lunch with us. She made chicken wraps and some salad, it looks good.

We start to eat, and then I think about my dream from earlier. I want to believe Jayden when he says I'm not selfish, but I can't. He says Arcadia won't be mad, but it's still unfair to him. I know that I have a soul mate, and we might fall in love when we meet. I'm supposed to be thinking about him and finding him but instead, I'm thinking about another man.

And what about Jayden?

Yes, he says he'll be fine, but that doesn't mean he won't be hurting. I can't let him fall in love with me, no matter how strong my feelings are for him. It would be selfish.

"Olivia are you okay? You've barely touched your food."

Beth snaps me out of my thoughts and I look up at her, "yes, I'm fine. Just a little distracted I guess." I turn my focus back to the food and talk to everyone as we all finish eating.

We all help clear the table and then Beth tells us all to go in the living room. She pulls Nevada's husband aside and asks if he would take Katie somewhere since she was too young to understand everything and so they left.

I sat on one couch with Jayden and Beth, while Nevada and Celeste sat on the other. Beth looked at Celeste and nodded, Celeste got up and returned a few minutes later with her bong and her jar of herbs. She packed the bong and we passed it around in a circle a few times, I was surprised to see Beth even partook.

After the bong had been passed around to everyone a few times, Beth started talking to everyone. "Okay so as we all know, we're here to help Olivia. I think the best thing to start would be to tell our stories and answer questions. I'm sure she has already heard Jayden's story, has anyone else told her their story yet?"

Celeste speaks up, "I have."

Beth nodded, "alright then, that leaves Nevada and I. Nevada, you start."

We all turn our attention to Nevada as she starts speaking. "Growing up, I knew I was an angel. My parents are angels too and they would always let me watch them fly and use their powers, when I started getting my visions, they didn't really know what to do. My parents never got visions, they found their destinies before the visions even started. My mom told me she had a friend that I could stay with, and she would be able to help me. She brought me here when I was 12, and she and Celeste started helping me. Celeste and I would practice our powers together and Beth taught me how to fly. When you came, everything changed, I felt the need to protect you. You left and then Jayden showed up. He seemed to have a lot of your interest in your safety and I finally found someone that understood how I felt. When Jayden turned 18, I went with him to find you, and we stayed close to make sure you were okay. I was in a store and I met a man and fell in love, I moved away with him but it didn't feel quite right. We moved back near you and had Katie. After I had Katie, I couldn't keep my eye on you as much so Jayden kept me updated. And then he called me and told me you guys were coming here, so we all packed up and came to stay too."

"How did you and Jayden even find me?" I ask, curiously.

"We just had a feeling, we could tell when we were close to you. Sometimes I got visions if I was too far away to protect you." She replies.

I sit and think a second to take everything in.

"My turn," Beth says, "but first we may need to puff that bong a few more times."

We passed around the bong some more and then Beth got ready to start her story. Jayden grabbed my hand and laced his fingers through mine.

"So I was born a very long time ago, to a couple happier than I've ever seen anyone. They were angels, but my dad was fallen. When I was born, there were a lot of people who were against angels walking the earth. Our neighbors were some of the people who were agains angels. They found out what we were, and set the house on fire with all 3 of us still inside, I was just a baby. My mom made it out of the house, but my dad and I didn't, the fire killed us. My mom eventually made a deal with god, he brought my dad and I back to life..."

She paused, looking at me, and then it all made sense.

"Ida and Arcadia had a daughter named Bethany." I say, closing my eyes. Jayden squeezes my hand to comfort me.

Beth nodded, before she continued her story. "My parents and I spent years running from fallen angels, they wanted my mom dead. We finally settled in a little cabin, we thought we were truly protected but they somehow found us. The fallen angels set fire to the cabin and my dad ran with me and hid, and I thought my mom had died in the fire. For years, my dad and I were alone, he taught me my powers and how do use them, he taught me how to fly, how to fight. But without my mom, my dad and I were both lonely. Years later, we met a woman named Charlotte, for some reason we were both drawn to her. My dad started having visions about her, but he didn't know why. We finally realized she was the next Ida, and that Ida had not died from the fire. Charlotte finally realized who she was, but then the fallen angels found out and began their search. We found a bunker for us all to hide in, but they found us again. We all tried to fight then off, but they killed my dad. If they killed Charlotte, I knew she wouldn't come back so I helped her fight and we barely got out alive. Eventually, Charlotte and I found a witch that agreed to protect us, but then Charlotte and I went our separate ways. I have met many of Ida and Arcadia's next lives, and I always try to protect them. You are the first of idas lives that I met so young, I knew who you were the day that I met you."

She finishes her story and I stare at her in shock. She was Ida's daughter.

"I think you've got enough to take in for today, you should give your mind some time to think things out," she says. "Come back downstairs when you're ready."

I nod my head and Jayden helps me up and leads me upstairs to the bedroom. He sits on the bed and motions for me to sit by him, so I do.

"Do you wanna talk about it Olivia?" He asks.

"Did you know?"

"Yes, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just-"

I cut him off, "you couldn't, it wasn't your story to tell, it's okay."

"Are you okay?"

I nod my head, "it's just a lot to take in."

Someone knocks on the door and Jayden answers it, and then Beth walks in with 2 cups of tea.

"I brought you guys some tea. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner Olivia."

I stood up and hugged her, "it's okay, you still told me. And thank you," I say, taking one of the cups.

Jayden says thank you and Beth leaves the room. Jayden puts a movie in and we watch it as we drink our tea.