I Don't Want To Go Home

A Place Like Home

by Eleventh

ALISSA DEL ROSARIO POV; MAY 2020

Rrrnng! Rrrnng!

“Ali!!! I was about to call you.”

At last, she picked up. I’ve been calling her a dozen times already. And it seemed like I’ve been sitting on my bed for ages, waiting for my mother to answer my calls.

“Ma…” I whispered gently.

“Yes, Ga?” That’s how my mom calls me – Ga, short for Palangga, a Filipino word that means beloved or my dear. “By the way, I’m so sorry for not picking up your calls. I’m on my shift today. When I saw your missed calls, I got so worried and thought that I had to call you as soon as I have my break. Are you okay? Is everything alright?”

I know she’s busy at this moment but I am just so desperate. I am in a state of emergency but the moment she asked me if everything is alright, I don’t know how to break it to her that I am a mess right now.

Nothing is alright at all.

I looked at the mirror in front of me and stared at my reflection. When did I become so skinny? My collarbones are showing up again. Maybe because I wasn’t eating much. My insomnia is causing me to lose my appetite and not to mention the dark circles underneath my eyes. Ugh! I look like an owl.

“Ali? Are you still there?”

“Y-yes, I’m still here. Sorry! I got caught in my thoughts.”

“So, what is it? What’s the problem?”

“Uhm… well. The pandemic here in the Philippines has gone worse. The quarantine hasn’t been lifted yet and all companies and establishments are temporarily closed until further notice. And, uhm… the company I’m working at isn’t earning at all and…”

“And you don’t have any money.” Mom guessed it right.

More than anything, what I hate the most is being penniless and ask or borrow money from anyone. You might probably think that it’s okay to ask for money because she is my mother. Yes, it is but it hurts my pride because I am already an adult, a working adult.

“The worse thing is… I got laid off from my job, Ma! And I haven’t paid the rent for three months. The landlady wants me out. So… can you help me? Just for now. I-I’m looking for a new job anyway.”

Mom was quiet for a second. Probably, thinking.

“Ali… you know what, why don’t you go home instead?”

Home. What a word! Mom speaks about it so casually as if I have one.

“Go home? You mean in Santa Barbara?”

“Yeah! If you go home, you don’t have to rent anymore. Plus, you don’t have to think about food because, surely, your aunts and uncles will take care of you.”

Seriously? What would my relatives say? That the “legendary” Alissa of the Del Rosario clan who left the town and had forgotten her family for the ambition, is now coming back home like a Prodigal Daughter – homeless and broke – a complete failure.

“Ma! Can’t you just send me some money?” I sighed.

“Ga, I’m sorry! Life here in Dubai is tough too. COVID cases are rising and health workers are taking extra precautions here in the hospital. We work for a week and get quarantined for a week. Yet we follow the no work, no pay rules. In a month, I only work for two weeks and my salary is enough for me to survive.”

Crap!

Now, what?

Don’t I have other choices?

But I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go back to Santa Barbara.

“Alissa, just go home. Okay? It’s the best for now. It’s not wise to stay in Manila without a job.” Mom always says the right thing. And she’s very influential too. She has the charisma and power to convince people without being offensive or harsh. In fact, in the family, she’s the most gentle person there is. “I’ll wire you some money later after my shift, okay? Pay the rent. Then, buy a plane ticket to Mindanao and take the earliest flight you can get. I suggest you start packing everything.”

“But, Maaa…” I whined like a baby. That felt cringed for a second. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I acted like a child to my mom. “… my life is here.”

“Not anymore, Alissa. You can’t live there forever. That’s not home. I gotta go. Take care of yourself, Ga! Bye!” And she hung up.

I stood up from the foot of my bed and went around the pad to scan every room. It’s a mess. My laundry was scattered everywhere. My pants and socks were on the bedroom floor, some of my sweatshirts and hoodies hung carelessly on the couch, and my undies loitered all over the bathroom. Unwashed plates, food containers, glasses, and utensils were piled up in the kitchen sink. The bottles of wine and the pizza box that I had on New Year’s Eve were still on the table in the living room. I couldn’t remember when did I last cleaned up this place.

The pad was dimly lit as always. I never turn on the light so I could see the city lights better from the glass window in the living room – my favorite place. I have lived here for more than a decade. I moved to Manila to study Technology Communication Management in a prestigious school. After I graduated, I stayed because of a job opportunity.

My first years of living here weren’t easy. I had my lonely nights and the glass window, the city lights, and the bottle of wine were my only company. Til I got used to it. I relished the silence, the solitary nights when I can enjoy the moment where I can read my books or dance naked in my room, the times I yearn to recharge from being exposed to a crowd.

I turned on the radio and Michael Buble’s “Home” was on. I went over the glass window and as I embrace myself, I longingly watch the city lights… for the last time.

I love it here.

Though it seemed like I have to bid farewell to this place I call home, I have to find a way to stay here in the city.

Rrrrnnngg….

On the same day, I received another call. This time from my officemate, Nadine, our boss’s secretary.

“Nads?”

“Alissa!!!” Nadine is one of my closest friends in the office. Her voice on the other line sounds so thrilled like she got news for me. “Where are you right now, and what are you doing?”

“Where else would I be, Nads? Of course at home mourning, because I’m jobless and broke."

“Ali, Mr. Palma wants you at his office now. He said he needs to talk to you. RIGHT NOW!”

I looked at my watch. It’s already 8 o'clock. Mr. Palma must still be at the M&C Building at this hour because he has a habit of staying overtime in his office.

“He wants me to go to M&C Building right now?”

“Yes, girl!”

“What does he wanna talk about? He already kicked me out!”

“Ali! This could be good news! He sounded so serious when he said that he needs to see you right away. That could mean a negotiation or a reconsideration of his decision. You might get your job back, Alissa! Now, go and see Mr. Palma!”

That is a piece of good news for me!

A reconsideration? Even if it is unsure, I’ll hang on to hope no matter how slim it is. I’m tired, I’m sleepy, and I’m emotional at the moment, but I’m going to see Mr. Palma with hope in my cards.

It was around 9:00 when I arrived at the M&C Building. The lights were all off and everything was dark except for Mr. Palma’s office. His window on the third floor was open and bright, and I could tell he’s in there.

“Let’s go and get the chance of getting the job back, Alissa! Negotiate well with, Mr. Palma!”

The building was all quiet, dark, and empty when I went in. The security guard wasn’t on his post, probably doing his rounds, so I just welcomed myself. The elevator wasn’t working when I checked it so I used the stairs instead. When I reached the third floor, the lights in the hallway were all switched off too which is kind of strange because they weren’t supposed to be disabled. The only light there is the glow from Mr. Palma’s office.

Something is weird.

Mr. Palma never leaves his door ajar. He hates it.

I suddenly felt uneasy and my heart was pounding fast as I slowly walked into the room.

The office was as to how I remembered it. The tables and chairs were unorganized. Sheets of paper flooded the tables. And boxes of documents were all over the floor waiting to be sorted. The only difference I noticed in that room is the foul smell of something I cannot identify thoroughly. It smelled like fish mixed with the smell of blood.

Mr. Palma’s table is at the end of the room. His head was resting on the table. Thinking that he was resting, I walked towards him quietly and careful not to surprise him with my sudden appearance.

“Sir? Sir P.? Nadine told me you called for me?”

I gently tapped his back while trying to wake him up.

But there was no answer. I can only hear drippings on the floor.

“Sir Palma?” I tapped his back again.

Worried because he wasn’t responding, I turned around his table to check him closely.

“Sirrrr!”

I let out heavy breathing and cover my mouth in shock! My jaw dropped and my eyes grew big when I saw blood dripping from his body to the floor. I wanted to scream out loud but I couldn’t make a sound because of too much shock. I kneeled to check his body and there found a fillet knife dangling on his chest.

His arms were swinging lifelessly.

His eyes were open but they're blank.

He’s dead. Mr. Palma was dead.

And I’m on the crime scene.

My mind went blank and had no idea what to do?

Should I call for help?

Should I call the police?

What if they'll think I killed him?

There is nothing I can do to save the dead but I gotta do something to save myself. I can’t be involved in this unfortunate event. I must leave before anyone else finds me and make me the suspect of this crime.

My heart palpitated more heavily when I heard heavy footsteps approaching.

I have to hide.

My eyes scanned the room for a good hiding place and found Mr. Palma’s locker placed at the corner of the room. I swiftly went in to jam myself inside the narrow locker, then quietly closed it as the heavy footsteps were getting closer. From the horizontal holes, I could see a man wearing a black hood approaching Mr. Palma’s dead body.

He must be the murderer because he didn’t look surprised.

I wanted to see his face but his head was covered with the hood from his pale black jacket that has a white-yellow stain on the left arm. Plus, the holes of the locker were too small to see check the murderer's identity. If I make too much movement, I’m afraid I’ll make a sound and grab his attention.

“Pity old man.” The man said. His voice was high-pitched. “If you had been good, you wouldn’t have been dead. I lost a playmate and an inspiration because you were selfish and greedy. Oh well! You're bound to die anyway. You have to thank me that you're not gonna suffer for long.”

Then he left laughing.

I am so scared. Terribly scared for my life.

I don’t know what to do.

How am I going to leave this place?

What if he’s still out there waiting in the dark and kills me next when he sees me?

What an unfortunate moment this is!

I waited for a couple of minutes before I decided to get out of my hiding place. Everything seemed clear.

I checked Mr. Palma one more and felt so sorry for him.

“I’m sorry, sir, that this happened to you. I’m sorry but I cannot help you either. I-I’m afraid that I might be involved in this. I... I don’t want to be involved in this. I'm sorry... I hope your family will find justice for you.”

I feel foolish talking to the dead while tears gush out from my eyes. I pity my boss. But I also worry for myself. I worry about my future. I’m afraid and I’m confused.

Using Mr. Palma’s phone, I called the authorities to get help. I changed my voice when I told them about the details of the crime. As soon as they hung up, I wiped the phone with my clothes to eliminate my fingerprints.

Then I went home immediately.

I am a courageous woman. That’s what I thought so.

But facing a circumstance defenseless is my Achilles’ heel.

Well… I guess I’m not as fearless as how I thought I am.