Episode 6. Nothing Can be Gained Without Taking a Risk
The familiar and calming scents of detergent and mint surrounded Tomo, making him feel safe in the warmth of the bed. Nothing would hurt him, yet Tomo’s heart was beating a little faster than usual. It was keeping him from going back to sleep. He looked over at the alarm clock. A quarter to five. As the alarm would go off in not too long, he found no reason to stay in bed. He turned off the alarm and carefully crawled out of bed. He didn’t want to wake Ken up this early.
Kouta had agreed to say they needed to do something work related and it would help if Ken could stay over, though the condition was that they came up with anything useful.
Not that they came up with anything.
He had hung his uniform up on a wardrobe knob, ready for him to wear. He considered for a moment if he should put it on, but chose to just step over the futon on the floor, picking out a zipped hoodie at random, and went to prepare breakfast.
A few steps down the stairs he noticed the light was on in the kitchen and he went to look who it was. It was unlikely Chika would be up this early, and his mother would be questionable.
A whiff of food cooking confirmed it was neither of them.
“Good morning, Ichirou-san,” he said as he stepped through the door that had been half-closed.
The man turned and smiled. “Good morning, Tomo-kun. Did you sleep well? The bed wasn’t too cramped, was it?”
He looked away and fingered the inside of his hoodie pockets. His face was burning and his heart racing from stress, embarrassment and guilt.
They had told no one that Ken would sleep in his bed. Tomo had told Ken it perhaps was time for them to grow up when Ken had placed the futon on the floor. Ken had just chosen not to sleep on the floor, and Tomo had done no effort to stop him from sharing his bed.
So how had he known?
“I suppose the futon was of use after all,” Ichirou added after a few moments.
Tomo felt even more anxious and needed to take a few deep breaths to calm down. It could be they were too close to each other the few times Ken had come over since Ichirou found out. Maybe they just needed to have more distance between them. Anyone could easily misunderstand their relationship.
“What are you doing, Ichirou-san?” he asked when he had calmed down.
“Lunch for you and Kenta-kun.”
“Not for Chika?”
Ichirou’s brow knitted, and the man pouted childishly as he looked into the pan. It took Tomo by surprise, as he had yet seen Ichirou look childish, but after starting to open up to Ichirou little by little, he had seen a range of expressions other than the serious-looking neutral expression and gentle smile. Somehow it was adorable to see this middle-aged man pout, and Tomo couldn’t help but smile. It made Tomo feel strangely at home.
“Chika-san can eat your mother’s abysmal cooking.”
Tomo rolled up his sleeves while laughing. “What did she say?”
“It wasn’t so much what she said, but the look she gave me when I suggested I’d make her lunch while making one for Kenta-kun.”
“Oh, yeah. Ken usually brings lunch. Keiko refuses to let him eat anything other than home-made meals.”
“What do you usually have for lunch at school?”
“Just some plain bread from the school’s store. Some juice from the vending machine. I think Chika doesn’t want to feel inferior to you. Her cooking isn’t as bad as mum’s though.”
“I have offered to help her get better at it,” he replied after a few moments of thoughtfully stirring. “I wonder if she’ll be all right when she moves out. Sawa-san says it’s fine, but…”
“Now I’m getting worried too... What if all she eats will be cup ramen?”
“What is Chika-san doing, worrying her brother?”
Tomo frowned momentarily before he got the breakfast ingredients out of the fridge and pantry without a word, trying to act natural. He got a questioning look from Ichirou, but he kept focusing on making breakfast. Even if they had been quiet in the past, he could feel the silence was awkward and forced.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
The man sighed. “It’s clearly not ‘nothing’, and if I said something insensitive, I want to know.”
He remained stubbornly quiet, but when glancing at his stepfather he saw Ichirou had knitted his brows with an expression as if he was going over their conversation to find out what was wrong.
“Don’t think so much about it.”
“I will think until I find an answer if you don’t give me one.”
Tomo opened his mouth to protest when he heard steps in the stairs and soon Chika entered the kitchen, squinting at them, still dressed in nothing but underwear and a tank top.
“Morning,” she said sleepily, then yawned.
“Morning,” Tomo replied. “Do you have morning practice today?”
“Yeah.”
“Chika-san, good morning. You should go back up and get ready. Kenta-kun is here, remember?”
“It’s just Kenta,” she said annoyed, then looked hungrily at the food.
“That’s not for you, Chika-san. And I heard Kenta-kun…” — Ichirou stopped to think about how to phrase what he would say — “…likes women a lot, so I think you should go get changed.”
Tomo grimaced behind Ichirou’s back at how he phrased it, and he knew his sister saw it. She was trying to not laugh.
The man wasn’t wrong. Girls were definitely something Ken really liked. Though how it all was, wasn’t like most people thought. It wasn’t like he’d think anything special about a girl in sleepwear, or in anything one could sleep in, as far as Tomo could imagine.
Even if Tomo was wrong, Ken definitely couldn’t think of Chika like that.
After taking control of her expression, she went back to her room with a frown.
“Now,” Ichirou said. “Back to our problem.”
He began rubbing his fingers anxiously while he watched the man finish the lunch boxes and take over the cooking Tomo had begun. One lunchbox was smaller and the other bigger. He had never seen them before and they looked new.
Tomo wondered if his stepfather had thought about getting some once he heard Ken brought lunch. He couldn’t remember ever bringing a lunchbox, though there must have been times to bring one.
“I just don’t like some words to be used when referring to me,” he blurted out and felt how he grew cold at the realisation of what he had just said.
He clenched his fists, and his jaw tensed up. He had messed up. He should never have said that. Tomo felt how the anxiety was rapidly getting overwhelming. If it got any worse, he’d run back to his room and hide under the blanket.
Ken would wake up if Tomo tried to fit into the space behind him, but that was fine. It would surprise him at first, then he’d turned around while giving Tomo more space and let Tomo be in the comfort of Ken’s presence. He’d likely play with Tomo’s hair quietly until it all felt better.
“What about words like ‘girl’?”
Tomo took a step back, feeling how he was ready to run. He had said too much, and now Ichirou would shun him. It would hurt his family. He’d have to leave.
Ichirou looked up from what he was doing. “Oh. Tomo-kun, don’t look so frightened. Everyone has something they don’t want to be called.”
He quickly looked away; he wasn’t sure how to take that, and if he should run or not. “I hate being called girly,” he muttered. “It’s not my fault I look feminine.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. It’s fine to call you a child, I hope?”
“What kind of question was that?”
“I was just making sure.”
Tomo glanced at Ichirou. The man smiled kindly at Tomo and they were silent for a moment. Tomo heard Chika say something while in her room, so she must have talked to herself. Or some ghost or house spirit she believed existed. Then steps. She was on her way down.
“If you want to, you can talk to me about it any time,” Ichirou said, and Tomo felt even more puzzled what his reaction should be. He hadn’t anticipated that reaction. “Naturally I won’t tell anyone, unless you want me to.”
He couldn’t be certain if Ichirou knew, or if there was some misunderstanding. He couldn’t read what his stepfather was thinking.
“I rather have no one know about it.”
“Then I won’t say anything.”
Tomo let out a relieved breath. He could only trust him for now. He felt his shoulders sink as he relaxed.
“Does Kenta-kun know?”
Tomo stared at Ichirou, then replied: “Ken knows me better than anyone, whether or not I want it.”
“Though so,” the man smiled and Tomo felt anxious again. “Thank you,” he said as Chika entered the room and sat down by the dining table.
“I did nothing to deserve that gratitude.”
He turned away, and in stubborn silence finished cooking. He refused to say a word more than necessary. Somehow he’s home felt no different from school did, and he hated it.
***
“Tomo-chan, I’ll see you later.”
“Bye-bye, senpai.”
They parted outside 1-B’s classroom, and Tomo walked through the open door as Ken headed towards the stairs.
The boy with the brown wavy hair looked up from his homework. “Seki-chan, morning!”
“Good morning, Sakuraba-kun!” Tomo replied, still in a good mood after walking to school with Ken.
Sakuraba looked surprised.
“What?”
“I didn’t know you could smile. You always seem to pout. Annoyed, maybe. Or something.”
Tomo laughed awkwardly. “Is that how I’ve seemed? Sorry. I’ve been really stressed. You know, new school, new class, unwillingly breaking all the school rules and all that.”
Sakuraba turned in his chair so he looked straight at Tomo and studied him. Tomo started feeling shy, embarrassed and nervous all at the same time. He fingered the hem of his shirt while his cheek got warmer.
He couldn’t deal with it and looked away. “What is it now?”
“I call you Seki-chan because you looked very girly with your hair long, but when you don’t pout, you’re feminine too. Cute even.”
Tomo instantly looked around the classroom and saw it was just the two of them.
“Hahaha... Re-really? I’m not happy hearing I’m cute.” His voice was shaking. Actually, he was trembling. He shifted the school bag on his shoulder and fingered it, trying to find a way out of the situation. He felt like he was about to choke and wanted to cry. But there was nothing he could do. He had messed up again, hadn’t he?
Was this day just not his day? What was next? Someone found out about his friendship with Sakura?
He was about to turn to walk to his own desk a few seats behind Sakuraba when his classmate patted the desk behind his own seat.
“Sit down,” Sakuraba told him, alarming Tomo.
“Why?"
“How else can we talk? I have to take the chance when Seki-chan actually replies with words.”
It hit him with surprise, before he let out a relieved chuckle. He had expected something much worse than a talk. He could handle even an unpleasant conversation.
He sat down on the desk, letting his school bag flop down beside him.
“First,” Sakuraba said, and Tomo felt the lump in his throat grow. “Why does Handa-sensei call you Momoi?”
Perhaps he should have expected that question. Though it also was so stupid he didn’t want anyone to ask about that.
“That’s one deep end to begin with, Sakuraba-kun!”
Really, why did Sawa have to make his life miserable at school?
“Want me to ask how you know Yamada-senpai instead?”
Tomo felt that was definitely worse.
“Isn’t there anything else you can ask?”
“Hmm...” Sakuraba studied Tomo intensely as if trying to find something he wanted to know about him.
“Fine,” he sighed. “My mother ensured I got registered as Seki Tomoki, but my name is Momoi Tomoki. My mother’s remarried, but I’ve kept my father’s name.”
“Huh. I thought there was some story behind it.”
“It’s stupid, but it doesn’t explain why Handa-sensei calls me Momoi. The class roll says Seki and my mother would have to talk to the principal about it, not a teacher.”
“Oh!” He shined up, knowing there was something.
“Handa-sensei was my sister’s tutor when he was in university, so he knows my name is Momoi. I think he calls my sister by name instead of Seki.”
“You know Handa-sensei since before?”
“Yeah. He helped me a little with English back in elementary school and my first year in middle school.”
“So how do you know Yamada-senpai?”
Tomo glanced around the classroom before he looked back to Sakuraba.
“I suppose… we’re childhood friends.” Tomo chuckled before he said: “I’m actually Yama-senpai’s senpai at work.”
Sakuraba thought for a moment. “Has he dated every girl in the school?” he eventually asked, his curiosity shifting from Tomo to the infamous player.
Tomo laughed, finding the thought funny. “Ken only goes on dates with one girl at the time and there haven’t been enough days this year to date the first years, so that’s a definite no. He also doesn’t go on dates with girls serious about him or who already have boyfriends.”
“You two are close,” Sakuraba said.
“Hm? Why do you say that?”
“You called senpai ‘Ken’ just now.”
Tomo chuckled nervously. “Pretend you didn’t hear that. Weird rumours might spread.”
“Were you called gay or something?”
Tomo started rubbing his fingers. “Something like that. Like you said: I look feminine. Senpai didn’t care much, but we were told things in both elementary school and middle school. We weren’t even at the same schools.”
“That’s rough. I won’t say anything then. I’d hate if someone spread rumours about Airi because of me. Ah, I mean Furukawa Airi. One of the girls at the front by the door. We grew up in the same neighbourhood.” There was a tinge of pink in Sakuraba’s cheeks and his speech had gotten quick. “Can I call you Momo-chan instead of Seki-chan though?”
“Momo-chan is a bit...”
“Tomo-chan like senpai, then.”
He groaned. “That still sounds like I’m a girl.”
“Momoi-chan?”
“No.”
“Tomoki-chan? I mean, there aren’t that many options.”
“Momo-chan is fine if you absolutely need to use -chan,” he said in defeat. “If I’m Momo, you’re Sakuraba... Yuusuke, was it?”
He wanted to take revenge for the girly nickname, but ‘Sakura-chan’ would probably have Sakura turn to him around a lot.
“Just call me Yuu.”
***
“Momo-chan!”
Startled, Tomo turned to the door. “Yama-senpai?”
“So he really called you Momo-chan,” Yuu muttered.
Ken looked over everyone’s head as he shuffled through the classroom until he saw Tomo. He hurried to him and put his hands on Tomo’s shoulders with a grave face.
“Momo-chan, this is a disaster.”
“What happened, senpai?” Yuu asked. “It sounds serious.”
“It is! I forgot the lunch Ichirou-san made for me!” he said dramatically. “Momo-chan’s father makes the best food. I was looking forward to eating it at school.” He pretended to sob for a few seconds, before he held out his hand towards Tomo. “Chika won’t lend me any, so give me money.”
Yuu looked unamused. “Isn’t this some kind of extortion? How can a kouhai refuse their senpai asking them for money?”
Tomo shrugged back to Sakuraba before he looked at Ken again.
“Didn’t I tell you to stay away from Sayoko-senpai? You dug your own grave there, you know.”
“Sayocchi’s so cute. I couldn’t resist when she gave me the OK. Sucks I got a handbag in my face.”
“Did you touch her against her will or something?” Yuu asked. Now he seemed to disapprove of Ken completely.
Tomo shook his head. “I’m certain senpai refused to pay for anything and then asked for compensation for having to share half of what he bought.”
“Ding ding!” Ken said. “Apparently I can’t eat an entire piece of strawberry shortcake even if I’m the one to pay for it. I wouldn’t touch a girl without knowing it’s all right. I’m not some scum.”
Yuu looked at Ken in confusion, then turned to Tomo. “Momo-chan, senpai’s not really how I imagined him.”
“The rumours make him out a whole lot different, don’t they?”
“Momo...” Ken said. Then he hugged Tomo. “Momo-chan, you’ve made a friend! I’m so proud of you!”
Tomo struggled to get free, but Ken’s arms were too strong. Had it been just the two of them he wouldn’t have cared, but now people saw them.
“Stop it! I’m not a child. Let me go, senpai!”
Ken let go, then pretended to dry tears while sobbing, making the scene sillier than it was. “I thought this child would have to get through high school all alone, but I see... Momo-chan can make friends too.”
“Senpai!”
Ken stopped the pretending, going back to his original purpose, holding his hand out towards Tomo. “So, money?”
“I didn’t really bring any. I don’t work today and brought lunch with me. I only had enough for a drink from the vending machine.”
Ken turned to Yuu like he considered extorting money from a kouhai, then back to Tomo, saying: “Nah, make friends with money and a generous heart.”
Yuu’s expression showed he could decide on being offended or relieved.
“Give me half of yours, Momo-chan.”
“My lunchbox is half the size of yours!”
“How much does senpai eat?!” Yuu exclaimed.
Ken laughed. “I eat normally,” Ken said and reached down to get Tomo’s bag to take out his lunch. He stopped. “Tomo, you—!”
Tomo laughed as Ken took out both of their lunchboxes.
“You were in such a hurry, he gave it to me.”
“Tomo-tan, I wuv you.”
The silliness with how Ken said it and how he had acted up till then was enough for Tomo to not get angry. No one could take him seriously like that.
“Yeah, sure,” he said with a sigh. “Go back to your class, senpai.”
Ken looked around and found an empty chair he pulled to Tomo’s desk. “Nah, Chika will kill me if I go back. She was furious about Sayocchi.” He opened the lunchbox. “It’s not like it’s her decision who I hang out with, you know? She’s so stupid. You know, Sayocchi said she’d go on a date again, so she didn’t have a problem with it.” He paused after he finished complaining. “This looks as nice as it smelled this morning. I’m so blessed. Let me eat at your place every day.”
“No. I’ve begun to regret it.”
Ken gave Tomo an amused smile and had a twinkle in his eye.
“Senpai,” Yuu opened the lunch Furukawa had given him. “I heard you and Momo-chan have known each other since childhood. Tell me how you two met.”
Tomo looked in Sakura’s direction. She didn’t seem to have noticed them.
Ken looked at Tomo. “I wonder...” he said while shifting his gaze away elsewhere.
There was no way this couple could explain it properly if Sakura could find out.
***
“This is really confusing. Hana-chan has been Momo-chan’s neighbour for ten years. She joined senpai’s acting troupe nine years ago. She then introduced you to Momo-chan, who’ve you known since he was born? And she doesn’t know you knew each other already?”
“Sounds about right,” Tomo sighed.
He looked at Ken, who had decided it was better to tell Yuu. Tomo didn’t, but it was up to Ken if he wanted to explain the situation or not. Some already knew.
He noticed Ken giving him a brief confused look, before he with a smile said:
“She was so proud too. That’s the cutest Sakkun ever been.”
“Saku-chan’s never been cute. That’s why she became how she is.”
“I think Hana-chan seems cute.”
“No,” they said in unison.
“She has a pretty face, but…” Ken started.
“All the times…” Tomo put his face in his hands. “I don’t want to remember.”
“Don’t talk about it. I’m still traumatised, Tomo-chan.”
“It can’t be that bad...” Yuu said hesitatingly.
Ichirou put down snacks and glasses of juice on the table in the living room. “I’ve only briefly talked with Haruka-kun about it, but I hear her collection is quite impressive.”
“Can’t you do something about it? Isn’t it illegal or something?”
“What? What is Hana-chan collecting?” Yuu asked worriedly, looking between Tomo and Ken.
He looked away while Ken was busy stuffing his mouth full of snacks.
“According to Haruka-kun, ‘it’s nothing one needs to know, but horrific gore describes it well’.”
“That would be correct. I don’t want to hear her talk about it anymore,” Ken groaned. “Just thinking about it makes me lose my appetite.”
“You seem to rather happily eat what I made earlier for someone with no appetite, Kenta-kun.” Ken slowed down eating the snacks.
“Tomo-kun, go get changed. You shouldn’t need to wear your uniform at home.”
Tomo looked at Ichirou in terror. The smile didn’t leave his lips, and he pulled Tomo up from the floor and pushed him through the kitchen so he could go to his room.
“Go ahead,” he urged Tomo. “Kenta-kun needs to go to work soon, doesn’t he?”
***
Ken and Yuu were still sitting by the table in the living room. Ken looked completely at home, while Yuu looked tense, back straight and shoulders stiff. They had only talked for the first time that day, and now he was in Tomo’s home. That situation would make anyone nervous.
Tomo stood in the doorway to the kitchen. He felt his face was burning. His shoulders were tense, his hands crumpling the hem on his t-shirt. His lungs couldn’t fill with air because of the knot in his throat. He wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. He had just started talking to Yuu today, and Ichirou was trying to push Tomo to dress like he’d do normally, even with friends over.
Not that he was wearing anything too out there. No pink, no purples. No puppies, no bunnies. Baby blue and dark grey. Baby blue was fine, right? The leaf pattern on his left shoulder was all right, right? Maybe not. He should have picked something else.
Not to mention, there were the glasses. His blue eyes.
He swallowed when Ken looked up while talking to Yuu and was ready to run away when Yuu turned to see what Ken saw.
“Tomo-chan, don’t just stand there.”
Ichirou took his hands and put a tray in them. His shoulders relaxed at the familiar feeling. He frequently met and talked with people he had never spoken to; people who would on their own decide what they thought of him.
The café was a safe space, though, with a strict policy. What anyone saw, said or did never left the walls of the café unless it broke the law or someone had permission to share it. That wasn’t true now. A school with roughly six hundred students, and some tens of teachers and other staff members could find out and spread it all over A City or Y City. Even the entire prefecture.
He held onto the tray as if his life depended on its existence.
“Are you fine now, Tomo-kun?” Ichirou asked after preparing some tea.
“Mm.”
“Good. Here you go.” The man put tea and cups on the tray.
Yuu silently watched as he served the guest tea.
“So Momo-chan wears glass—Wait!!”
Tomo winced at the sudden exclamation, but turned to look at Yuu. “What?”
“I never knew you had blue eyes!”
He clenched his teeth and looked at Ken for help.
“You know how it is. Everyone should conform, and so on. Tomo-chan wears lenses to avoid questions about where he’s from, since he’s Japanese.”
Yuu opened his mouth, then closed it for a moment. “You’re right. Some would make a big deal out of it, but no one makes a big deal about Itou’s freckles anymore.”
“That’s true…”
“Yamamoto on the other hand...”
Tomo laughed nervously. “It’s like he has some kind of vendetta against me. He complains about things I have no control over.”
“Yeah. Like in PE. ‘Tie your hair!’ ‘Also, you can’t because you’re a boy’. Can’t he make up his damn mind?”
“I have Kousaka. He doesn’t care as long as Ao can participate. I guess he’s better like that,” Ken mused. “Though Ao will cut his hair, so I guess it doesn’t matter.”
“Did he let it grow for no reason again?” Tomo asked.
Ken laughed. “You bet he did! Rumours are he’s letting it grow because a girl confessed to him, and she liked shorter hair. Doesn’t sound like Ao at all! I should introduce you sometime.”
“Aoki-senpai is Ken’s friend from middle school. He sometimes tires of maintaining his hairstyle, grows it out and cuts it when he tires of longer hair,” Tomo explained to Yuu.
“Sakuraba-kun, will you stay for dinner?”
“I need to check if it’s okay. Give me a minute.” He fiddled with it for a bit. “My older sister says it’s fine.”
“That glads me.”
Tomo crumpled the fabric of his trousers as he clenched his fists while the lump in his throat returned.
Thoughts about how his classmates would tease him for having Sawa as his mother or how Ichirou was his stepfather raced through his mind. His family was odd enough to grab anyone’s attention.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t stay?”
He felt how guilt mixed into his anxiety.
Tomo felt a gentle hand on his shoulder and Tomo looked up at Ken.
“Tomo-chan, calm down. You’re about to rip your trousers apart.”
“If Tomo-kun didn’t object to telling the situation with Sakura-san and they brought you here, I think you ought to stay. Don’t you agree, Kenta-kun?”
“Hmm… I don’t think I can answer there.”
Tomo looked away as Yuu studied him.
“Is this why you go to the health teacher?”
“Mm. The bullying… got really bad…” Tomo whispered, so Ichirou wouldn’t hear it.
The classmate studied him again, then he looked up at the ceiling, before quietly responding. “I know someone who withdrew from everything because of bullying, so I get it. People shrug it off as ‘just a bit of teasing’ or ‘everyone is stressed’, but I don’t like that kind of thinking. Why should someone just have to take it while no one does anything? How is it good that someone doesn’t want to leave the house?”
“Yuu...”
Yuu shrugged with a smile. “They’re no longer hiding, so that’s good.”
They were quiet around the table, no one able to break the heavy silence the topic had created, until Tomo eventually asked: “Why did you talk to me?”
“You smiled.”
“Huh?”
“You never really replied to anything before, and you always pout. So I placed all my bets on that. I know everyone in class pretty well, except you. You replied, and here we are.”
“You don’t think I’m… weird.”
“Why?”
“No. It’s nothing.”
Tomo glanced at Ken, who was resting his chin against his palm. He noticed and gave Tomo a grin as if he said: “See? I was right to drag him along.”