Episode Ken I. Performer
Kenta took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. He emptied the chaotic feelings in his chest and pushed the many thoughts out of his mind. He wasn’t sure what else to do with them. He only knew they couldn’t be in the way.
“What is it, Kenta?” the troupe leader, Hayashi Niko asked. “Are you feeling nervous?”
He opened his eyes and smiled brightly. “Of course not! I just need to focus to beat Sakkun’s sorry ass.”
“You’re the one supposed to lose the sword fight, senpai,” Sakkun smirked as she stood next to him.
“I can beat you anytime. Don’t be cocky just ‘cause you got your first leading role, Sakkun.”
“And this is, what? Your tenth? Why do you need to take a deep breath to calm down after this long? For a rehearsal, at that.”
“Isn’t it my fifteenth?”
“Same difference.”
Ken looked at the girl who grinned at him, and he laughed. “You’re right. Ten or fifteen doesn’t matter when I take your spotlight.”
Sakkun punched his arm. “You ain’t gonna take shit from me.”
“That hurt. I’ll tell Tomo-chan you hit me.”
“Aren’t you the older one? Why tell Tomo-chan?”
“He’ll find out how evil you truly are.”
He said it with a grin and Sakkun laughed.
Hayashi cleared her throat, effectively making the girl suck in her laugh. “As you can hear, we’ll be running through the play from start to finish today. It’s fine to use the script as we’ll run through it from top to bottom. That said, read with emotion. We’ll do it on stage, so try not to look too stiff. Kenta, take place. Who was the narrator? Begin reading the moment Kenta is on stage.”
***
“This is an emotional scene. Why are you holding back?”
His heart sinking to the pit of his stomach, his gaze travelled from Sakkun to Hayashi.
He wasn’t purposely holding back. It just came naturally. If he didn’t the emotions might overflow. He thought about how it would be if it had been Tomo.
“You’re fantastic at emotional scenes like this. They’re your strength. Why do you always hold back?”
“I’m deciding how to react.” He smiled and motioned widely toward Sakkun and the others. “Once everyone else knows they will say their lines, I know how I’ll say them.”
Hayashi sighed. “Alright, start from the beginning of this scene. Don't hold back this time. You’ve been acting for eleven years already. You can do better than this.”
He felt a stab in his chest.
“Yes, ma’am!”
He glanced at the script in his hand and walked to his place, pushing his hurt pride out of his mind. He could do this. It was a play. He could keep his feelings closed away. Tomo wasn’t part of it. It just hit too close to home.
“What is it that my heart has done? What is it that my soul craves? Why does it ache so?” he said at the sign from the leader.
“Ma-master!”
“What is it?” he asked sharply, his eyes narrow, motioning to show his displeasure of being disturbed.
“I don’t know how to tell you…”
He clicked his tongue, then restrained himself, speaking tensely. “Tell me straight or leave.”
“She… Your beloved…”
His heart raced in his chest and he held his breath for a moment, then closed his eyes, letting out the breath.
Tomo wasn’t there. He knew it. Tomo was fine.
This was just a play.
***
“Ken-chan, are you reading the script again?”
He looked up from the script in his hand and smiled at the elderly woman. His chest always felt warm when Chitose smiled at him.
“I’m just making sure I have the entire thing memorised. It’s the emotions that are difficult. Creating the scene. Drawing people into the world of the playwright’s imagination. These are just words on a paper.”
She sighed, but still smiled. “Couldn’t you put the same effort into studying, hm?”
“I suppose I could.”
Was there really any point in studying when he would get into university already? He just needed to memorise the bits that would appear at the exams. The same was more or less right for the university exam, if he wanted to do it.
Yet, there didn’t seem like he would find a reason to put in more effort than necessary. If he had none, he wouldn’t do it. Simple. It wasn’t particularly difficult to pass when he maintained a high score compared to others.
“If you don’t want to, then I won’t nag you. You’ll do well on stage.”
“Thanks, grandma.”
He didn’t care what other people thought. As long as Tomo thought he looked cool, all was well.
Not like that time he stumbled on stage and made a mess out of it. He held back a grimace at the thought of it. He had never felt so awkward in his life. He sincerely hoped Tomo had completely forgotten about it. If he looked amazing enough, perhaps he’d get a compliment. A hug would be nice too. Maybe some time alone with Tomo.
His chest felt tight and his stomach tense. He longed to spend time with Tomo as they did before. He’d read for him; they’d play together; they helped out together; they slept together… They had been inseparable.
He didn’t need it all the time. The feeling of living alongside Tomo was enough. So he needed to look cool. Make Tomo think he was awesome.
“Do you need help with anything? Since I’m already here.”
“Would you mind doing some cleaning?”
“I’ll make it so clean even the gods will envy you, if that’s what you wish for, fair lady.”
Chitose chuckled. “That’s not necessary, Ken-chan.”
***
“Ken!”
“Yo, Tomo-chan.”
He watched Tomo put a plastic bag on the table before leaving the room. Soon, a coffee mug was placed in front of him, another mug placed close by. Ken instinctively put his arm around Tomo’s shoulders and nuzzled the soft hair with a scent of berries.
Had Tomo sat on his left, he would have put his arm around the waist, but when on the right he didn’t. It was a source of discomfort around the scar, so he naturally avoided it.
Being like this was so natural. He truly enjoyed it.
“Ken, you’re performing the play at the end of summer holiday, right?”
“Yeah. During the anniversary, as always. You coming?”
“I’d never miss it!”
“As long as Tomo sees it, that’s all that matters,” he whispered.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Want to come to the rehearsal sometime?”
He turned his face away, picking up his coffee while waiting for a response.
“I suppose I can come. It’s been a while.”
Tomo sounded hesitant, and Ken smiled reassuringly.
He wasn’t sure what else to do. He wanted to comfort Tomo, but also say what truly was on his mind. He wanted Tomo there to look at him. He wanted to show what he was good at.
His usual composure evaporated when with Tomo. His heartbeat would quicken, he would think of kissing. He’d try to get Tomo’s attention. Be as close as possible. Ache to touch.
“It’ll be fine. I’ll be there.”
“Thanks.” Tomo smiled at him.
Something in his chest stirred before it filled his chest, and he smiled in return. He couldn’t help it.
***
He knew Tomo sat out there, in the audience. Came, despite what happened last time after practice.
He had been clumsy all morning because he wanted to show Tomo just how good he was. But also give Tomo reason not to regret coming. He was nervous beyond belief. He had worked harder than ever this time. Had practiced more than ever. Had taken the rehearsals more seriously.
That wasn’t all, though. Drama had been his escape. This theatre had been his heaven. It had been his hell. When he needed to, he had forgotten who he was, if just for a while. It was through drama he had found his freedom. It was through drama he found tools when interacting with others.
Every time he was performing on stage, he was grateful.
He held the script tightly before throwing it aside. Everyone was taking their places.
He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes. He emptied the chaotic feelings in his chest and pushed the many thoughts out of his mind. He wasn’t sure what else to do with them. He only knew they couldn’t be in the way.
Right now he wasn’t ‘Yamada Kenta’.
Yet, the wish to impress the one he had fallen for didn’t go away; the gratefulness wouldn’t disappear. Perhaps they never would.
It would be fine.
He stepped out on the stage, Sakkun following him, looking just as serious as he did.