Episode 14. There's a Limit to Everything

"Tomoki-kun!"

Tomo felt how he froze at the disgustingly sweet way his name was called. He wanted to run. He wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. But he couldn't.

He wished Ken was there to get rid of it. But he wasn't there.

He screamed for help in his mind. But there was no superhero to save him.

Instead, he took a deep breath to try to stay calm before he put his best Momo-san smile on. He turned around to look at Abe Rieko.

"Tomoki-kun! I finally caught up to you."

"Abe-san, did you need something?" he asked politely.

"Hmmm..."

The girl looked thoughtful at him.

He had his fringe tied away from his face, and he was certain she would comment on it, but he got an approving nod.

"You actually look more like a boy today. I understand you just happen to look very girly so this doesn't include you, but I'm confident girly boys are sick. I mean, if they like pink and flowers and other similar things they probably have some mental disorder, don't you think? Wakabayashi-sensei too. No reasonable and healthy adult would say they're not a man nor a woman. We shouldn't have someone like that as our teacher."

Tomo cringed inside. This girl clearly chose to mention he 'just happens to look very girly' only to say Wakabayashi was sick to poke a hole in his pride. The approval at the beginning was clearly just to sprinkle salt in the wound.

Maybe it was a good thing Tomo didn't exactly feel any pride. She just poked him right into his shame.

Nonetheless, it hurt just as much.

"I believe it's been proven gender identity is not an illness, Abe-san. In fact, I believe it's been proven that a binary system of men and women is not true to reality. And—"

"Really? I'm fairly certain it's an illness. Humans need to reproduce. And, besides, doesn't it kind of mess with everyone around you if you pretend you're some other gender or whatever? Can't people just realise they should just follow norms so no one gets uncomfortable?"

Tomo felt extremely uncomfortable at the moment though.

"While I'm sure there may be people who do pretend, that's not the majority. Transgender people really do feel they are not the gender they were assigned. I don't think you should question sensei's identity, but accept that sensei feels androgynous."

What was he even trying to talk back at her? He didn't know. But he couldn't leave it be. Maybe he had worked at the café for too long to listen to someone telling him the customers he served and spoke to and staff he worked with were ill.

Or perhaps he just wanted to convince himself.

"And someone who, for instance, is assigned male at birth, but is a woman, can still have children if not sterilised. Which of course means that in Japan they wouldn't if they want to officially ch—"

"It's good if people like that don't have children. It could be dangerous. Besides, if one genuinely feels like one is a different gender, doesn't that make them ill? What if others start thinking they're something else because of sensei? I feel sensei just pushes an opinion on us we don't need. This is a school. We're preparing to take the exams to university. We don't need someone to make people think they're something they're not. I don't understand why you would defend something like that. Aren't you the one in most danger if others misunderstands who you are? Or have you been convinced by sensei that you're not a boy already? I know a good psychiatrist if—"

"I see!" he said, raising his voice. He didn't want to listen to it anymore. "So that's how you see it? That's a very... Intriguing point of view. I still don't believe science agrees with you. Nor does this school. Not to mention, people can change their gender officially, so I would claim the government does in fact disagree with you."

"Those are probably some fake studies or studies misinterpreted so that's how it sounds and the government must have been pressured. At least they don't allow these poor sick people to have children if they feel they need to fake who they are so much they need a sex change."

Tomo strained to keep smiling. He felt the lump in his throat. Since school began, this girl had really become his worst nightmare. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to talk back at her.

Yet he had done that now. He just couldn't let the comments she had said slide. They were too offensive to people he knew. Friends he had. And they just made him feel worse about himself.

He would have to spend the next class at Suzuki-sensei's. He would have to explain why and that was scary, but surely she wouldn't tell him he was sick? Not when the school had a teacher like Wakabayashi. Though there was Abe Rieko, who seemed to ignore the school's policies about respecting other individuals and against bullying, but was seen as a near perfect student. Why did a teacher have to be better?

His experience told him that teachers could indeed be just as bad. He couldn't trust anyone.

Except for Ken.

"What did you want?" he asked.

"Oh, right! I almost forgot. Lend me your English notes."

It wasn't even a question; it was a demand.

Had she brought all of that up just to make him lend her his notes? By making him feel awful? He wouldn't lend her anything even if it killed him. Even if she turned around to be the sweetest thing on earth. She wasn't allowed to even look at his notebook.

"Excuse me? I need those. The mid-term exams are coming up."

"You're in the English club so you'll be fine. And I heard Handa-sensei used to be your tutor."

"Handa-sensei was my sister's tutor. Sensei has only ever taught me anything here at B High School."

He saw annoyance sneak into the otherwise disgustingly sweet exterior she kept in front of him.

"Well, you plan on studying English and French, so you definitely don't need your notes. You should already know everything if you plan on getting into a school, right? I'll give them back after the exams."

Abe Rieko was more than unreasonable. Who asked — no, demanded — someone to just give them their notes just before the mid-term exams? Even more so from someone who they know needed a good score in the subject?

And he wanted to know where she got the information from. There weren't that many who knew about these things. Especially not at school.

"I've lent you my cardigan and given you so much advice so you won't be misunderstood or seen as mentally disturbed, so you ought to give me your notes."

"You don't say...?"

Advice? More like warnings and indirect threats, no?

He didn't stop smiling. He had to. He was getting more and more nauseous. He wanted to throw up the knot in his throat right then and there. But the thought caused him more anxiety...

"No, I'm not giving my notes to anyone. Not you nor anyone else. It's an unreasonable request. If you ask Furukawa-san you may be able to get a copy though."

"Thanks! You can give them to me after school!"

"Wait! I didn't—!"

And off she had gone. Tomo had an extreme sense of dread as he went to the health teacher's office in hope to talk through his anxiety. But how would he explain this sense of his world falling apart under his very feet without mentioning his gender? How this one girl was making his life more of a hell than it already was?

***

Tomo felt a kiss on his cheek and opened his eyes in shock.

"Good morning, my gorgeous sleeping beauty," Ken whispered.

"Sleeping Beauty is a princess, Ken. I'm not." He sat up and looked around. "Where's sensei?" He must have fallen asleep after his anxiety subsided. He was thankful he had removed his contacts because he had been crying. Again.

He really needed to stop with the crying.

"Treating a first-year who hurt himself during the drama club's rehearsal. The nurse was out."

Tomo nodded then felt himself go cold. "What time is it!?"

He needed to meet with Abe Rieko to make it clear his notes were his. Not hers to take whenever she wanted. Hopefully.

His drafts for the English club were also written in there and he didn't want her to see those. He was pretty protective of them to begin with and Handa had only seen a few. What was worse was that several of his drafts involved LGBT themes. Some to see if he could fit it into whatever subject they had decided on, even if he didn't share those to anyone.

Most... were just his own.

He didn't want anyone to see those. They were for his eyes only. His stories. Some were just embarrassing, others pure shameful, and some his own thoughts and feelings, even if he never wrote them as such.

He didn't show those to anyone. Even Ken hadn't seen them, although he knew that they were embarrassing.

Tomo would flush if Ken tried to pry into what they were about. Not that he did anymore. He had since long given up on trying to find out what Tomo wrote that he kept as such a guarded secret.

And his most recent draft was really just him expressing his feelings for Ken. Not by name and he had to make it vague it was his own, but... If she saw that...

"Almost five. You don't have to work today so you don't have to stres— Tomo? Wait!"

Tomo had jumped off the bed and was running to the classroom. He'd hate if she was there waiting for him. He'd feel like she had the upper hand.

He wanted to make sure he protected himself. If only this one time. If there was anything that could expose him, make him more ashamed about himself, it was in his English notebooks.

He came to the classroom, breathing heavily. Airi was sitting at her desk with Satou. They looked at him like they saw something strange. Which they did, since Tomo wasn't exactly the type who'd exercise and generally not run in the hallway.

More importantly, Abe Rieko wasn't there. He took a relieved breath that stung in his lungs and went to his desk to get his things. He picked out the books he'd need to study and put them in his bag. His science and Japanese notebooks. His English notebook.

But no.

He couldn't find that last one. Where were his English notes? He opened his bag and emptied it on his desk and put everything back. Still nothing. He looked into his desk. No. He looked around.

The feeling of dread he had before was back. She couldn't have... right?

"Momo, what's wrong?" Airi asked.

Tomo laughed awkwardly.

"It's really stupid. My notes are gone. I wonder if I dropped them somewhere..."

Satou furrowed his brow and threw a glance around the classroom. Tomo saw he started looking tense.

He was Yuu's friend. He was probably not tense because he had taken them. He wanted to believe that, at least.

"Have you been here long?" Tomo asked.

"We've been studying instead of going to the club. I'm going to cram school soon and Ai-chan's waiting for Yuu. But..." Satou's expression changed and he was starting to look angry. "You sure they're gone?"

"Yeah..."

Airi put her finger against her chin and tilted her head in thought. "Hmm... Rie-chan came by and said you had promised to lend her your English notes, but I don't think she took anything else." Airi looked worried.

She stole the notes.

"Oh," he said and smiled. "Is that—"

He didn't have time to finish before he felt the tears roll down his cheeks.

She took his notes. His essays. His stories. His privacy. The things he wanted to show no one.

"Momo, what's wrong?" Airi hurried up to him. "Does it hurt somewhere? Do you need to see Suzuki-sensei?"

"Sorry Momoi," Satou said. It seemed like he had realised what was going on already.

"No. Don't apologise, Satou-kun. You didn't do anything." He gritted his teeth in anger. "I never said Abe could borrow anything," he explained for Airi who had looked confused.

This was too much. What had he done for her to be like this towards him? He could handle the comments, really. He could just avoid getting them, by removing what was 'bad'.

He didn't wear his hair up in any way except in PE, he wore his tie, he only used the old requirements for his cardigans and hoodies. He used plain black stationery instead of the green he had used before. He had stopped wearing his glasses. He used plain silver studs, if any at all.

He had even stopped going outside in light colours or women's wear at home because he didn't feel comfortable anymore. He didn't feel comfortable with the risk of comments. Not when he kept getting them.

It made him question himself.

Maybe he was wrong? Maybe he just wanted to be different? Maybe he was rebelling against... himself? Maybe he just wanted to be like a magical girl with a secret identity?

He was always looking for excuses however strange they were.

He hated it. But he had still been able to take it. It hurt, but he had been through way worse. He even had a scar to prove it.

But stealing... That was bullying no matter how anyone looked at it. What did he have to do to make her leave him alone? Why couldn't she just ignore him? Why did she have a need to make his life hell?

"I'm sure she must have misunderstood," Airi said in an attempt to comfort Tomo.

"Unless she's extremely hard of hearing, there was nothing to misunderstand, Airi."

His anger subsided and he just felt so tired he slumped down into his chair, face in hands. He was devastated. She would make his nightmare pure hell.

"My life's over... I'm never coming to school again. I'll ask Shouji to have me transferred."

He felt betrayed, but he didn't know by whom. Himself? Ken? No, Ken didn't know Tomo would have wanted to wake up earlier. Airi? Airi wanted to believe in the best of people, so she hadn't betrayed him, just been really naive. Satou wasn't even someone he was close to, so he probably didn't know Abe had been on him about stuff.

He wanted it all to go away. Time to stop. It really felt like the end for him. He regretted ever writing anything in his life. Any of his thoughts. Any of his feelings. And those...

He should have joined something else. The tea ceremony club, the flower arrangement club, the school orchestra, the art club... He had had plenty of options.

Panic was returning and he just felt so done with everything. Now things he kept secret would easily be found out. She could even use it to blackmail him, couldn't she?

"Tomo, why were yo... u...?"

He dried his tears when he heard Ken's voice.

"What happened? Airi, did you do something?!"

"Airi didn't do anything, senpai. Momoi heard Abe from 1-A 'borrowed' his English notes and—"

"Tomo wouldn't lend those to anyone!" Ken's was filled with anger and horror. "He has his essays and short stories for the English club among those notes! What if someone copies them and claims he took their ideas or copied their work? You didn't try to stop her?"

"You're right, we didn't stop her. And that's the problem," Satou said.

It was obvious he regretted what had happened and that he was partially a cause for it. Airi on the other hand couldn't believe it.

"Isn't it some kind of mistake? Rie-chan wouldn't..."

"She comments on everything Tomo wears, does or says! His glasses, his hair, the way he speaks; anything she finds a reason to comment on! Didn't Tomo ask you to talk to her about that?"

"Rie-chan said she would be careful not to hurt his feelings."

Tomo looked up in surprise and stared at the girl in disbelief.

"Not hurt my feelings? Airi, that wasn't the problem. It's her saying things like girly boys who like 'girly' things have a mental disorder. I suppose that's not hurting my feelings? Or do you think I am really manly?" The girl shook her head. "That's great to know. I'm so grateful. I suppose all she wanted to tell me was that I need to be normal so I'm not mentally ill. Thanks for letting me know Airi." Tomo stood up and took his things. "I'm not coming back ever again. My life's over. Whether she's 'nice' or not doesn't really matter anymore."

"What about the exams?"

"Who cares?"

"The sports festival then?"

Tomo just glared at the girl who seemed to shrink.

"It's not like there will be any difference if I'm there. Have fun with the class. I wasn't really part of any of it anyway. No one's going to miss me."

He took a couple of steps before he felt Ken's hand on his shoulder.

"Tomo!"

He gave him an angry stare. He didn't want to be touched. He didn't even want to be seen by anyone. He wanted it all to just end.

"Never," he hissed, "touch me ever again, Ken."

He saw Ken look hurt for just a moment, before he smiled. "Sure. That was my bad. I'll give you space."

He knew he should feel bad, but he thought it was better this way. He'd just stop. He had had enough of it. He had had enough of it for years. He was done with all of this stupid crap people always threw his way. First in elementary school. Then in middle school. And when he thought it was getting better? Of course it wasn't. Now even things he didn't want anyone to see were exposed. If it all was going to be like this, he was done.

He wasn't going to play this game anymore.

***

You keep leaving me on read

Are you alright?

Answer me

Please

I'm worried

I miss you

Can I come over?

I guess not

Shouji-nii is saying you need to get out once in a while

Exams are tomorrow

Are you coming?

— 1 week ago —

Niisan's worried about you

A customer asked for you

I said you were sick

Was that okay?

— 6 days ago —

Second day of exams

Wish me luck

— 4 days ago—

I miss you a lot

— 2 days ago —

Airi's asking about you

She got your notes back

— yesterday —

Chika's saying you only let Ichirou in for food

I'm glad you're eating

Are you sleeping alright?

What are you doing?

Are you ok?

Sorry

That was stupid

I know you're not ok

I want to see you

— today —

I'll be coming over later

You can come see me if you want

Or let me into your room

I'm here now

Let me know if I can meet you

I miss you

I can't focus on studying

I want to be with you

I'm lonely

I'm outside your room. I guess is the best I can do if you don't want to see me

Tomo heard a thump. There had been quiet steps, silence, then the sound of Tomo's phone getting a message and... the thump.

Ken probably sat down. Tomo felt his heart ache. He wanted to be with Ken more than anything. See him. Be comforted.

But he couldn't really say he even had the right to. He had lashed out on Ken for no real reason. He wanted to say sorry, but he didn't know how. He wanted to see Ken too, but he was scared. He didn't want to go outside anymore. He didn't want to be part of 'reality' anymore. He was sick of it.

As long as he wasn't 'normal', someone would always be there to make his life hell. Ken would suffer as well. He didn't want to cause Ken any more pain than he had. It was his fault they were bullied in the past. They both didn't need to go through that again. It was better if Ken forgot all about him.

Tomo was the problem. He knew that.

It didn't change that being away from Ken hurt. Whether he did it to himself or Ken kept a distance, it hurt. It didn't feel right. It was like the world had shifted and none of the pieces could be put together anymore.

He had more than once wondered if that was how it felt if someone died. That nothing seemed to fit in one's puzzle anymore.

He quietly sat down with his back to the door, pulling his knees to his chest. He wanted to be close to Ken too.

He didn't deserve it.

"Tomo? Can I come in? I won't touch you. Just let me see you."

Ken must have heard him, even though Tomo had tried to not make any noise. He missed Ken with his entire body. Seeing him would remove the pain, but...

"Kenta-kun? Why are you sitting here?" Tomo heard Ichirou said.

There was a pained laugh that broke Tomo's heart. "Meeting with Tomo as much as I can, I suppose. Don't mind me."

"Hmm... Well... If Tomo-kun lets you in, could you give him dinner? I'll leave it here for the time being."

There was clatter when Ichirou put the tray on the floor and then he left quietly.

"I miss you, Tomo."

Tomo sat there in silence. Maybe it had been a terrible idea to get closer. He almost cursed the door between them. But it wasn't the door's fault.

Wasn't it Tomo that kept it closed and Ken respected Tomo wanted to be left alone? He was the one doing it.

Though... If Ken just came in he wouldn't kick him out. It'd be fine if he came inside. But he knew he was the reason Ken didn't. It must have hurt to be told to never touch Tomo again and Tomo guessed Ken was worried he'd overstep some boundary or other since Tomo had lashed out at him.

He took a deep breath, trying to sound less pained than he felt. "I miss you too, Ken. I really do."

He heard movement and the tray being moved.

"Please, let me in. I just want to see you're alright. I won't tell you to go to school. I don't care if you ever go. I just want to be with you. It feels like I'm broken right now. You haven't written to me, I haven't gotten any calls nor have you answered any of mine."

Before he realised what he was doing, he was standing up and opening the door.

Ken looked up as the door behind him opened. His brown eyes were wide.

Tomo saw his brown hair was an unstyled mess with his fringe partially covering his eyes. He had bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. He was wearing a zipped hoodie, slacks and a T-shirt so he either had gone home, had a change of clothes with him or not gone to school at all.

The last one seemed the most likely. Especially since Ken usually dressed fashionably.

Ken stood up and picked up the tray for him.

Tomo looked away. "You can eat here," he muttered.

Ken blinked and opened his mouth to reply, but right then Ichirou came upstairs with a second tray. He had likely planned on leaving it for Ken to eat, and he looked surprised to see the door open with Tomo standing there. He then smiled gently and fatherly.

Even if Tomo looked away, as if he did something to be ashamed of, he was glad he had two fathers now. Sawa wasn't very motherly, so Ichirou was an addition to his life he was grateful for, even in this situation. He was the mother figure he never had, and the father he could see daily like most would. Shouji was still Tomo's father though. No one could take that feeling away from him. No one could replace Shouji. Just like no one could replace Ken.

"Go on," he urged Ken into Tomo's room. He then gave the second tray to Tomo. "Just leave them outside when you're done."

Tomo moved away from the door and Ichirou closed it without saying a single word more, before going to call Chika down for dinner.

He had usually eaten by his desk, but he put the tray with Ken's dinner on the floor and sat down on the rug. Ken followed his lead. They sat in silence for a while before the visitor started to shuffle the trays, looking awkward. He said his thanks for the food and then ate in silence.

"You... didn't go to school today, did you?" Tomo asked.

Ken gave him a half smile. "I can't really bring myself to go. If you're not there, I don't want to go. But I still need to study so Chika borrowed Sayocchi's notes and I'm copying them."

"Mm."

The boy watched Tomo silently, making him feel extremely aware of his presence.

It was as if they met for the first time and Ken was a stranger. But he also wasn't.

"Airi got your notes back after you left. Yuu says she refuses to talk to Abe anymore. He says that Abe had said it was expected you'd stop coming to school since you were bordering to mentally disturbed, based on how you had started to look like. And Sakkun needs immediate care for dressing like a boy."

"Mm."

Another moment of silence.

"No one in your class agrees with her. They're worried about you. They've seen you open up more and more and then you started to shut down again since the term started."

Tomo didn't reply. He just sat there. Even if his classmates were on his side, the school would likely not. Hadn't he had problems before? They wouldn't just magically go away, would they? So the principal would probably not do anything this time either. It had taken a lot for Yamamoto to be fired. They couldn't fire a student and suspension was probably not going to happen, was it? Tomo just overreacted to his missing notebook and they could just as well say he lost it and she found it and suddenly she was a hero.

Thinking about it made him feel so alone. The only allies he had seemed to be Ken and Shouji. Tatsumi and Yuu. Ichirou too, but he could do nothing. And he wanted to be with Ken so much. Even just sitting like this wasn't enough when he had literally ignored him for weeks, but he really felt he wasn't supposed to be around Ken to begin with. He didn't deserve it.

At the same time, a part of his brain pointed out Ken was his boyfriend. So it would be natural to be close. Right? Even if they were a little closer than most were, it wasn't strange, right?

And even if Tomo was a boy, there was nothing strange with being gay. He just didn't like being called that because it usually wasn't used in a neutral or positive manner when referring to him. There was also that thing about Tomo that he didn't really identify as a boy or man or anything like that so he wasn't, technically, interested in someone of the same gender.

And did that really matter anyway? He and Ken were practically family. Neither of them could remember when they first met. Ken had been there when Tomo was born, and all of Ken's early childhood memories included Tomo.

Yet, he kept feeling like he didn't deserve to even sit next to him.

Likely not knowing nor noticing Tomo's troubled thoughts, Ken continued to talk. "Wakabayashi-sensei has talked with the principal and Abe might get some consequences. Airi says she claims she meant nothing hurtful, just saying what is true, but it seems the teachers see it as bullying. And taking your notes is considered theft and invasion of privacy.

Wakabayashi-sensei said that it also should be considered discrimination since anyone should have the right to dress or act however they want and apparently the director is agreeing with that. They hired a nonbinary teacher, so they need to make it clear what Abe did is unacceptable."

Tomo blinked. What was he saying? The school was taking his side? The director even? Ah, but Tatsumi was the director's son, so there might be that too...

"Nothing's been decided though."

"Repeat that."

Ken had been looking into his food taking a bite now and then as he spoke, but looked up in surprise at Tomo.

"Nothing's been decided?"

"No, before that."

"Uh..." Ken needed to think about what he had just said. "The school hired a nonbinary teacher so discrimination against someone not fitting into gender stereotypes is unacceptable."

Just that thought made it feel a little lighter. It got a little easier to breathe. A little easier to exist.

Ken noticed the change and studied him until Tomo felt his cheeks turn hot.

"Hmm..." There was a hint of amusement in Ken's voice. "I didn't think you'd be into people being punished. Maybe Sakkun's a bad influence."

He pursed his lips, stood up and walked up to Ken, who looked up at him in confusion. He sat down next to him, getting surprise mixed into the confusion from Ken.

"What is it?"

"I just want to be close to you," Tomo muttered. "It's probably hurt more to not see you than anything Abe Rieko has said." He was studied as Ken slowly ate, waiting for him to say what was on his mind. "But I can't go back. I don't want to go back, really. I just want to be like everyone else and I don't seem to be able to do that." Tomo was quiet for a moment. "And... well... I hope she burns in hell."

Ken laughed. "That's rather harsh, coming from a kind and gentle soul like you, Tomoki-san. I thought you were an angel, but perhaps you are as mortal as I am, my love."

He chuckled. "What are you then? An alien?"

Tomo saw Ken move his hand towards him, but he pulled it back. Tomo felt how his throat turned to a knot. Perhaps Ken would really never touch him. Maybe he'd never be able to hold his hand.

But he couldn't say anything and they finished eating in silence.

Ken stacked the dishes on a tray and stood up, holding it.

"I guess I should go. I got to see you, so..."

Tomo felt how his heart got crushed by despair in his chest. He had missed Ken so much it felt like part of him was missing and now that he had gotten that piece of him back, it was disappearing again. He knew this would happen, but somehow that momentary relief, however slight it may have been, was something he didn't want to let go of. It was painful enough as it was.

There was of course the fact that they somehow never had been apart much before. Now they were in the same school, but in elementary school Tomo went to his grandmother a lot, where Ken also would be, at the end of elementary school and in middle school Ken would visit Sakura very often and Sakura would invite Tomo over, in middle school Ken had started at B High and Tomo was at the local public school... This seemed to be one of the longest times they had really been apart, and they would have normally been in touch, but Tomo... He never really understood just how important Ken had been to him, until now.

No... He already knew. He had just forgotten since that time.

This was the only year they might go to the same school. Even if Ken didn't study drama, they might be at different universities and they had no idea if they'd get in on the first try, or second, or third... Ken might be done with university by the time Tomo got in and Ken might have found a girl he liked...

He grabbed Ken's hoodie.

"Don't go yet."

For a split second, Ken was surprised and then he smiled gently. "Really sorry, Tomo..." He looked away, clearly embarrassed. "I don't know how much longer I can take."

Tomo didn't understand. Was he... tired of Tomo?

"Don't look like a puppy who just lost its owner. I mean I might touch you if I stay any longer. I've been holding back, you know. We've always kinda been close, so it's really hard not to."

Well, that made sense. And Tomo could understand. He almost wished he was a puppy so he could jump at Ken and be petted. He wouldn't need to hold back.

"Then... um... leave that outside the door and let's see how long you can handle it." Tomo muttered as he let go of the hoodie.

Ken laughed to himself. "You're not very honest, are you? So you're dying to have me nearby, huh?"

"If it's just being near you..."

... it might not actually be enough. But he knew Ken had figured out what he was feeling, so he'd probably start teasing him.

With his eyes, he followed Ken, who left the trays and dirty dishes outside the room and then sat down on his bed. He stubbornly sat on the floor and Ken smiled.

It was clear as day that Ken was going to have his fun with the situation. And Tomo couldn't say he hated it.

"You gonna sit there all night, little puppy?"

He raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend. Apparently he had been demoted...? promoted...? from 'love' to 'puppy'. As long as Ken didn't expect him to start barking, that was fine, but he could never know just how far Ken would take something.

"Come 'ere, little doggie," he chuckled and patted the soft blanket on Tomo's bed. "This one time I'll let you sleep in the bed."

Tomo had to look away to not show he was smiling. It was his bed. He could sleep there any time he wanted. Had it been Ken's bed it would have been different, because he had only slept over at Ken's once when they were children.

Perhaps Ken must have thought of that time as well, because he continued with: "I'll even let you sleep next to the wall, not the edge."

"How do I refuse that offer?" Tomo chuckled.

Ken reached out his hand out of habit but then pulled it back looking worried. It was obvious he was afraid he'd do something that made Tomo uncomfortable. Telling Ken not to touch him ever again was a mistake. He knew that.

He had been devastated, afraid, and angry and he had lashed out on him. Ken must know that too. It wasn't the first time. It might not be the last.

Just like Ken knew him, he knew Ken; what worried him wasn't that Tomo had directed all his emotions at him at that moment, but whether any part of him doing so was in fact because he was always touching Tomo when he had the chance.

He stood up and sat down next to Ken.

They sat side by side in silence for a few minutes. Then Tomo moved closer. His heart was racing in a mix of anxiety and excitement.

Would Ken hate it if he moved closer? What would Ken do if he got closer? Would he hold him? Kiss him? Run out? He was worried he might make Ken uncomfortable too. But this was Ken. The person who had clung to Tomo for years. What would make Ken uncomfortable was probably beyond what Tomo could ever do to him.

Their arms were touching.

"Hmm... Weren't you the one who told me never to touch you again?" He sounded amused. Of course he did.

Tomo looked away, trying to hold back a grin. Why was he this excited about being close to Ken? Somehow, it had become a game. He should just be relieved... right?

But his heart was racing and his skin was tingling a little. He was biting his lip to keep himself from grinning, as they continued their strange game.

"We're not touching," Tomo pointed out. "My arm and your hoodie are."

"Oh... Now, that was not something I had thought of."

Ken put his arm around Tomo's waist, smiling widely.

Tomo was absolutely certain now. The despair and pain they had felt, that then turned to their awkwardness, was now just a game.

"So as long as there's a layer between us it's fine?"

Ken kissed Tomo's T-shirt-covered shoulder, then chuckled.

That confirmed it. They were good.

"Anything's fine as long as I don't touch you directly then?"

He'd try to apologise later.

"I might choke if you try to cover my face."

"Alright, anything that won't lead to injuries or death is fine, then?" He looked at his face and looked amused. He kissed the shoulder of Tomo's shirt again. "Not enough?"

He could say it wasn't. He could admit he wanted Ken to just be like usual. He'd even welcome Ken's hair nuzzling. Not that he ever minded it. It just seemed like a strange fascination to him.

Perhaps he took too long to reply because he was suddenly pushed backwards toward the bed. He blinked in surprise as Ken moved to stand over him, making sure to not touch him.

He didn't know what the boy would do but he felt himself smile up at him. He had expected to perhaps get tickled. More kisses on his shoulder.

He didn't mind this either. Had it been anyone else, he would have been scared witless, but this was one of the people he trusted the most. In fact, there was no one he trusted more.

Besides, he knew Ken had his own limits. He wouldn't do anything either of them would regret or be uncomfortable with.

Sleeping next to each other, holding hands, hugs, Ken's clinging and kisses.

It wouldn't go past that. 'Ken's clinging' was a really big category though. It was everything Ken did that wasn't any of the other things. And sometimes Tomo was the one clinging.

It just wasn't as frequent. But it wasn't like he didn't need the physical contact they had.

"I'm really at my limit, Tomo. For real. I have missed you so much and I've missed being close and showing how much you mean to me. So..." Ken was quiet for a few seconds. "... I will kiss you now."

Tomo's eyes widened in surprise. Was Ken going to really kiss right away after the effort of not touching him? Really? Ken's face approached him... and the past his face.

Ken kissed him where his sleeve ended. Then down his neckline. His chest. He stopped and put distance between them. He grinned.

Tomo was frustrated. First of all, he had thought he'd actually be kissed. Secondly, Ken was really stupid. Thirdly, he felt more deprived of physical contact than before.

"Never ever again might have been a little strong," he muttered with a pout.

He got a happy laugh in return and Ken got off the bed. "You don't say?"

"Can you stay?"

"I'm still in here, no?"

The smug grin on Ken's face was annoying.

"Ugh. I obviously meant sleeping over. Sometimes you just act like a jerk on purpose, don't you?"

Ken took Tomo's hand as he laid down next to him.

"You speak for yourself, don't you? Isn't it a pretty douche move to leave me on read for almost three weeks?"

"Ah... well... you know..."

"Tomo," Ken said looking at him, his grin had faded and the pain returned. "This time I don't know. A few days. I understand that. I know you sometimes say things you don't mean when you're under a lot of stress. I know you need space. But this long? There's no way I could know."

"I... was scared."

"I've been scared too. I thought you'd never want to see me again."

"Remember in elementary school... when that happened?"

Ken looked up at the ceiling again and squeezed Tomo's hand.

Of course he remembered. It was something neither of them would be able to forget that easily, even if they wanted to never remember it ever again.

"I refused to... Yeah... It's like that time. So I guess... I just waited for you. That time because I was so scared of everything. This time because I was afraid... of what you would do. What if you really never would touch me again? What would I do then? I hate being apart from you. It hurts. It feels like I fall apart. I don't know a life without you around and that... is scary."

"Hmmmm..." Ken moved closer and nuzzled Tomo's hair. "Yeah, that's terrifying. But you didn't stay at home because you were scared of my reaction."

"No..."

They were silent for a while and Ken sat up. He looked into Tomo's eyes as he made Tomo sit up too, more or less pulling him into his lap.

"When tears threaten to overflow from the blue skies in your eyes, when it's raining in your soul, come to me, my love." Ken held Tomo close to him, kissing him. Tomo felt Ken slip a hand inside his shirt. "But right now I would prefer your warmth, not your tears."

Tomo wasn't entirely sure what Ken was talking about.

"I want to cuddle with you in bed," he explained with a laugh. "I'm not leaving before I made up for all the cuddling I've missed out on."

"So you'll sleep here?"

"Sleep?" Ken asked with surprise. "Who has time for that? I don't count sleeping as cuddling, Tomo."

He chuckled.

"And," Ken whispered, "Since I want to be able to touch as much as possible while I cuddle, I suspect you'll get hard. You sure you can sleep under such circumstances?"

Tomo felt his cheeks heat up while he felt Ken slip in another hand inside his shirt with an amused grin.

"You really love teasing me at times, Ken."

"I truly do. But only because I know what you like."

"I don't like being teased."

"No, you like physical contact, just like I do."

Tomo pursed his lips, but Ken kissed him again.

"You're right. I like cuddling too," he said after a while, putting his forehead against Ken's. "But only with you."

Ken grinned. "What do you want to do first? Explain to your step-father I'll cuddle you for days to come and refuse to get out of your bed, or cuddle for as long as we possibly can?"

"Make sure you won't drag me to school."

"Aah... Hmm... I suppose I need to think about that one. But I'll be here until you do and I don't think you'll want to screw up my grades."

"That's unfair, Ken."

He laughed. "So bed or Ichirou? I suggest bed."

"Go tell Ichirou or else he might walk in on us and I'm not sure he'll believe you if you say we're just cuddling if I'm not allowed anything but my underwear."

"Well... I certainly don't want to get kicked out of the house, so I guess I'll have him drive to get my things. Until I know it's safe, though, I suppose I'll hold you in my arms like this, Tomoki-san, as I finally feel like my missing piece is in place. I truly only want to keep you close and never let go, for eternity." He then let out a laugh. "However, reality is not so sweet that I can never leave your side."

"...You're always in my heart, Ken. You're always with me."

The brown eyes blinked in surprise before Ken let out a delighted laugh that filled Tomo's chest with joy. "You're too adorable, Tomo!"

He put his forehead against Ken's.

"And I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to take it out on you."

Ken rubbed his forehead against his.

"I already know that, Tomo. But thank you."

***

Ichirou had an eyebrow raised when Ken sleepily dragged himself to the dining table, far closer to lunch than to breakfast and Tomo chuckled.

"Good morning. Shouldn't you be going to school, Kenta-kun?"

"Huh? Ah. Good morning."

He sat down on a chair, before his head hit the table with a thud. If Chika was terrible with mornings, Ken was a disaster. The difference was that Ken, usually, made an effort.

"Tomo, coffee."

Ichirou looked disapprovingly at Ken, but Tomo placed breakfast in front of him.

"Eat up, Ken."

Ken turned to him with a content smile, head still against the table. It was an amusing image, but Tomo put his hands on his hips.

"Don't give me that look. If you're not going to school, you'll help me with what I probably missed, so you better hurry up!"

Ken sat up. "Aaaa-ah!" He picked up the mug, studying the otherwise traditionally Japanese meal in front of him. "Here I thought I'd see to see a caring side of Tomo, but I'm getting the mum instead. Oh well, as long as you're feeling better, it's fine."

"I'm not sure I approve of that attitude, Kenta-kun."

Ken turned to Ichirou, who had been cleaning in the living room area.

"What I'm saying is that I'm happy Tomo got out of his room. It's true I should go to school, but I'm keeping my attendance in mind when I say a couple of days will be fine." Ken took another sip from his coffee. "It might not make up for missing a day of school, but I did sit up after Tomo fell asleep and went over notes from his classmates and his textbooks to write him some notes with a focus on the things he would have trouble with. So he should be able to get back to school with no problem before the cultural festival."

"I never said I would."

Tomo got a mischievous grin from Ken. "Oh, I know how to get you to school, so you don't need to say a thing. Monday might be optimistic, but soon you'll go, Tomo."

He felt worried about the amusement Ken showed. And maybe a little curious about what Ken could possibly have thought of.