Episode 16. Choose Your Friends Wisely
"Hey, Tatsumi?"
"What is it, Sakura-chan?"
Tomo looked up to see Sakura's back turned to him, as she stood by his desk. He could see her palm was on Tatsumi's desk and she was leaning over it. Tatsumi looked surprised.
Tomo figured that, to the boy, Sakura was Tomo and Ken's friend, as well as the friend of Yuu's friend, making her the friend of a friend or the friend of a friend of a friend. She didn't usually approach him either.
"Are you guys playing football again during the lunch break? Minorin and Ai-chan aren't here today, so let me in."
"I dunno... We're all guys and you could get hurt."
Tomo unwillingly let out an exasperated sigh.
"What is it, Momo?" Tatsumi asked.
"Oi! Look, Tatsumi, I'm pretty sturdy. A bit of running around with a ball will be fine."
"Sakura-chan, calm down. I'm just worried. You're not exactly big or tall or anything."
"Hana-chan, just join us," Susumu said. "Tatsumi is a worrywart."
"But what should we do with the teams? We usually ask Noguchi, Kamihara and Kikuchi..." Yuu asked. "Momocchi ain't gonna join, that's for sure."
"Just put me in whatever team."
Tatsumi's brow furrowed.
"Team Hana-chan with the three of us and then the others at the opposite team?" Satou suggested. "We're all in the football club anyway, and the guys will probably just say Hana-chan will be a burden."
"You're not thinking I'm some kind of baggage, are you?" Sakura asked, sounding rather hostile.
"No. You're cool. You're athletic, right?"
Tomo saw how that threw the girl off.
She was used to being looked down upon by boys, and she usually had to prove herself and claim her space. She wasn't afraid of doing so, but he could imagine having seemingly four (but in reality three) older brothers had done that.
She was relatively spoiled compared to her older brothers, but she was the oldest (and only) daughter (or so it would seem) and she had to deal with different expectations than Fuyuki, who was the oldest son. She wasn't expected to get a degree in anything, just be able to take care of a house and children.
As long as Sakura married and had children, she was going to prove herself to her parents. However, her parents expected her to be feminine.
Haruka was on her side and protected her from the wrath of her parents after she cut her hair and stopped wearing the girls' uniform.
"I guess? I used to be in the judo club in middle school and I do a lot of roles that require movement at the theatre..."
"See? It'll be fine, Tatsumi."
Tomo smiled as he looked at the confused girl. And he chuckled when she grinned happily after Tatsumi said it would be fine.
***
"We need to decide what to do during the school festival." Itou Sakuya was standing at the front of the classroom with Eguchi next to him. "But no cafés!"
Even though the two representatives were equal, Itou had naturally taken a role leading the class. Eguchi wasn't bad at it, but she acted more like a vice president or secretary. Anyone could really stand there and it wouldn't have mattered though. Itou and Eguchi just did because they had been at the meeting which discussed the cultural festival, so they knew better than anyone else.
The classroom was silent. No one wanted to be the first one to give a suggestion.
"Any suggestion is better than nothing," Eguchi said. "Besides, if many classes want to do the same thing, the ones letting the student council know last might have to choose something new. So the sooner we make a decision, the better.
Nakata Minori — the one Sakura called Minorin — raised her hand.
"Can't we just have an exhibit?"
It was like her suggestion got the entire class going and they all started to talk at once. Tomo could only make out a few things that were said.
"What would we exhibit?"
"Haunted house!"
"A play!"
"No! I'm already in a play!"
Tomo chuckled at Sakura's loud protest.
"How about we have a café?"
"Yes!"
"Didn't I say no cafés?"
"Isn't it fine?"
"But it's a hassle to deal with the food," Itou explained. "I'm not going to take responsibility for that. And we have no one from the cooking club in here, so I'd worry about food poisoning. How many of you make something that actually looks edible in home economics?"
"Seki does!"
Tomo cursed whoever mentioned him, because Eguchi, Itou and the rest of his classmates turned to him.
"If food poisoning is a concern..." Tomo hesitated into the expectant silence. "There are plenty of things at my workplace that would be fine. It doesn't have to be complicated and anyone in the class could make it. Even in advance. If we keep it to things that keep fresh even if not cool, it's not that likely anyone gets sick, as long as people make sure to wash their hands."
"Then I'm not taking responsibility for this," Itou sighed. "Eguchi, could you take over?"
The freckled boy stepped away as Eguchi took place in front of everyone instead.
"All in favour of a café, raise your hand!" she said and Tomo saw a lot of his classmates raised their hands. He didn't. He had rather they had held an exhibit so he didn't have to deal with people.
"If cafés are allowed, I want a maid café!"
"You plan on putting the guys in maid costumes too?"
"Why not?"
It was hard to keep track of who was speaking, and Tomo was getting nervous. He definitely didn't want to be in a dress. He wished he could disappear and shrank in his seat.
"If the guys are in maid costumes, shouldn't the girls be butlers?"
"I like that idea!"
"Hana-chan looks like a guy already! It'll work great!"
"Hana-chan would be so cool as a butler!"
"Hana-chan's fine with being a butler right? You already wear the boys' uniform."
"Why are you asking me?" Sakura replied, sounding annoyed. "I can't make that decision. I'm fine with anything as long as it's not another play."
"Let's have a crossdressing maid-butler café!"
There were plenty of agreeing across the room. Tomo was staring into his desk. This was a mistake. He should say he was joking. But he was pretty sure everyone already knew he did work in a café 'or somewhere like that' since Sakura still called it a fetish café.
"Who is for a crossdressing café? Raise of hands!" Eguchi called out and Tomo glanced to see hands raised across the room.
"I'm against it," Yuu said and Tomo turned to see that he had stood up.
"Me too." Tatsumi joined him. "There might be people who are uncomfortable with having to crossdress and we shouldn't force anyone."
"Besides," said Susumu. "We have sensei that is nonbinary. What if someone class is nonbinary? How would they dress? There's no 'cross'-dressing for them to do, is there?"
"But since we have sensei, shouldn't someone nonbinary have spoken up already?" one of the girls asked.
Tomo felt an extreme sense of guilt and shame. Was it supposed to be that easy? Just tell everyone? But he didn't want people to call him things. What if—
"I don't think it's that easy," Yuu said. "We all know how people expect things of us, right? Imagine someone expecting you to be a completely different being than you are. Being different from others isn't easy."
"Hana-chan makes it seem so easy. Just walk into the classroom like nothing, and be done with it."
"Hell no! It was the hardest thing I've done in my life!" Sakura exclaimed. "I only cut my hair that morning. I kept thinking 'It's probably a stupid idea.' and 'What if everyone in class shuns me?' But at that point, I had already bought the boys' uniform with my own money. My parents wouldn't allow it. You know, my father still doesn't talk to me. Hasn't said a word to me since I cut my hair. Just cutting my hair was big, you know? I haven't cut my hair in ten years. That freaked the hell out of me. But I didn't want long hair. And I honestly just wanted to wear trousers instead of a skirt. Ai-chan knows the only skirt I own is the school uniform one. So imagine not being what everyone expects you to be? That would be a lot harder. There might be circumstances like with my father too. Coming out could get someone kicked out of the house. Do you really think it'd be that easy to come out to a class when word might reach people that could harm you? I don't think so."
The light-hearted mood had quickly turned. Tomo had had a feeling it had been hard for Sakura to go against her parents, but it was probably news to everyone else.
"So..." Airi tried. "If someone you think is a boy feels like a girl or the other way, what would they wear? Should we ignore the possibility? We're not that backwards, right?"
The class was silent. Handa's chair creaked. The clock was ticking.
Tomo was starting to feel sick. He rested his face against his palm, feeling really tense. He hated what kind of turn this was taking. He was glad some people were advocating for an understanding of gender identity, and that they didn't make it out to be some easily dealt with issues. But he just knew what the next question would be. He just waited for it.
"Are you talking about Seki? Seki's kinda girly," someone finally said.
"No," Susumu said firmly. "Seki's not a girl. We're speaking in general terms, not about a single person."
Tomo turned to look at Susumu. He sounded so sure. Yuu and Tatsumi probably were right to trust him, and it seemed like he had expanded his safe network, even if it was barely.
"I'm also pretty sure Seki hates being called girly. So he would be one of the people who would be uncomfortable if he was in a dress and everyone thought he was a girl. Right?" Susumu turned to Tomo.
"Yeah... People mistake me for a girl all the time, and it's not really all that great..." Tomo said quietly.
"Did Seki say something? I didn't hear it!" some further away from him said.
"Seki said he doesn't like being mistaken for a girl all the time!" Shibata Renge in front of Tomo repeated.
"Ah yeah... If it happens all the time it would be a bother, wouldn't it...? Hana-chan is pretty vocal about it and she should be expecting it because of her uniform."
"Shall we give up on the crossdress café?"
"Maybe it's better with just a regular café?"
"We don't have to give up on it," Yuu said. "Right Momo-chan?"
"Huh?" Tomo looked at Yuu in bewilderment. Then he got it. He worked at a place where they mixed. But his throat was in a knot and he looked at Tatsumi for help.
"There could be three options, I suppose," his friend said, "Maids, butlers and androgynous servers. The last category could mix elements from both. So those who absolutely don't want to crossdress or happen to be nonbinary like sensei can choose that."
"That's a great idea! Did you say Seki thought of that?"
No, it was like that where he worked.
"Eh..."
Itou sighed where he stood. "Sakuraba, Suzuki sit down already. We'll hold a new vote. Raise of hands, who are for a..." Itou fell quiet. "What would it even be?"
"Maids and butlers are both domestic servants, but 'domestic worker' or
"I think so. It's not too vague."
***
"Wakabayashi-sensei, I know this isn't your field, but could you read my English short story for me? I wanted your opinion before I handed it to Handa-sensei. I was thinking of having it in the anthology we're putting together for the school festival, but I'm afraid the theme is... um... controversial, I suppose would be correct."
Wakabayashi looked curious.
"I can only assume it relates to something other than Japanese literature."
Tomo laughed awkwardly.
"That would be correct. I rewrote it after Abe-san took my English notes. I have the original draft too if you'd like to read it."
"My English is far from as good as Handa-sensei's, but I'll take a look at it. Mind if I take a copy of them both so I can take my time with them?"
"Please do!"
Tomo handed his handwritten second draft and the original draft to the teacher, who went to the staff's copy room.
He heard the door open to the office and turned.
"Excuse me," Susumu said and looked startled when he saw Tomo. "What are you doing here?"
"Just asking Wakabayashi-sensei to read something for me. Did you get called by a teacher?"
"No, I'm here to see Wakabayashi-sensei about... eh... something." He didn't make eye contact with Tomo.
The boy had been very accepting. He had only been surprised by the trust he had gotten. At least that was how it had seemed.
"Is it about me?" Tomo asked. He was rubbing his fingers against the fabric of his sleeve. Maybe he had troubled Susumu after all. Maybe he should have kept quiet about it. Maybe it had been a mistake.
"Oh, Satou-kun? You're here? Give me a moment." Wakabayashi returned from the copy room and handed Tomo his papers. "Thank you, Momoi. I'll try to come with feedback as soon as I can."
"Thank you, sensei." Tomo bowed to Wakabayashi. Then he smiled at Satou. "See you later!"
"Ah, yeah. Later, Momo."
Tomo left the office and started walking toward the classroom of 1-B.
It was fine. Everything was fine.
He felt how the pit of his stomach was getting heavy. What if Susumu would use what he knew against Tomo? His throat had turned into a knot. It was becoming difficult to breathe. What if he would spread that Ken and Tomo were together? His stomach felt like it'd turn itself inside-out. There was a possibility Susumu was joining forces with Abe Rieko. He was nauseous. He had been there when she took Tomo's notes. He realised he wasn't breathing. It would be fine. He needed to breathe. Yuu and Tatsumi trusted him. He inhaled sharply, the air hurting in his lungs. Ken hadn't been against it. He wanted to throw up. But Ken couldn't know... It'd go away if he could just throw away. No, he needed to breathe. It would be fine. Exhale. Then inhale. He took a gasping breath.
He felt how he was trembling. It was so bad he felt like his legs would give in. He was scared. He should never have gone back to school. He felt like he was choking. Like someone was squeezing the air out of him. He gasped for air. He should have kept it secret. From everyone. He was leaning against the wall trying to breathe. Trying to not throw up. He tried to focus on a spot on the floor but his eyesight was blurry. He must be crying. He felt dizzy. He had made the wrong choice, hadn't he? It hurt. His chest hurt. He needed to breathe. How did breathing work again? What did he need to do to inhale? Was he dying
"Hey! Are you alright?! We need to get you to the infirmary!"
***
"Are you feeling any better now?"
Tomo was breathing heavily in a chair in Suzuki's office, feeling exhausted. He had a blanket around his shoulders and the school nurse was sitting in front of him, not the teacher.
He knew he had somehow gotten there, but it all was a haze after someone asking if he was fine. He wasn't even sure who had talked to him. He had struggled so hard to breathe. Throwing up was bad. But at least it could feel like a bit of a relief. He could get rid of some of the anxiety, literally. This had been way worse.
His chest was aching. His throat felt sore. His face was sticky from the tears.
"I suppose so."
He took a deep breath. He wasn't better. It felt like he'd break down again any moment. He wanted to go home. No, he wanted to travel back in time.
Not to when he chose Susumu to find out. To when he was six.
His grandmother or grandfather would hold him in their arms, comforting him. Now he couldn't even easily see them, because they had moved. He wanted them to be there telling him everything was alright. Ken would be there too, squeezing himself into the embrace to hug Tomo too. He'd nuzzle Tomo's hair, whispering silly things eight-year-olds would whisper.
Kouta might be there, ruffling Tomo's hair, just like Shouji would have done, once he started feeling better, asking if Tomo wanted him to read a book to Tomo and Ken. Tomo would choose and then he would sit in Kouta's lap while Ken leaned over Kouta's leg to look. Ten years prior Kouta would have been 23. The café was... had it opened yet? Or was it still in the planning stage? Either way, Kouta would have had enough time to spend time with them since he was done with his degree.
He wanted to go back to those times. Times when things were simple.
Tomo took a look around, realising something was missing.
"Do you know what happened to my English notebook?"
The nurse shook his head. "I'm sorry. You didn't have one. Maybe you dropped it along the way?"
"That might be it... I guess I better go and look for it."
"I think you should stay for a while more. I can take a quick look if you'd like."
Tomo pursed his lips, considering it. He took another deep breath, trying to not let his anxiety overwhelm him. "If you would... I was on my way from the teachers' office to my classroom, 1-B."
"I'll be right back. I'll let sensei know you're here if I see her."
"Thank you."
The nurse left the office and Tomo pulled the blanket tighter around him. He looked up into the ceiling. He really was tired. In a sense too tired to be anxious, but he could still feel the anxiety bubble in his chest like it was brewing poison that would spread and cause him to panic again.
He hadn't quite had an attack this bad in a while. Well, he had only had the one when Yamamoto yelled at him. He wasn't prone to panic, was he? The anxiety though...
He closed his eyes.
Susumu had triggered it. No. It was his fear. He didn't want to be bullied anymore. He just wanted to be accepted. He was apparently so scared of being rejected that he couldn't keep himself together anymore.
Or perhaps the stress was just getting to him.
He hadn't gone as much to see the health teacher since summer vacation ended... but then again, he had spent a lot of his time at home. His attendance was absolutely horrible. He wondered if he'd be held back a year. That would have been a terrible start of his high school life. And Ken would be further away...
He needed to get himself together. Go to classes. Do his exams. Do really well.
Besides, Susumu had argued against a binary gendered cafe. He was being too anxious. Really.
"I can do this," he muttered to himself, lacking any conviction it was possible.
There was a knock on the door. "Suzuki-sensei? Is Momo— Seki T—"
The petite figure with the loosely tied tie paired with shirt and trousers opened the door and looked surprised when realising the teacher wasn't there despite the door being unlocked.
Sakura scanned the room and noticed Tomo.
"You okay? You didn't come back to class."
"Not really, but I'll go once the nurse's back."
"I'm sorry for t— Oh, hello. Did you need to see Suzuki-sensei?"
"No, I came for Mo— Seki-kun. He didn't return to class. But I'll take him with me, if that's fine."
"I'll go."
"If you say so... I'm sorry Seki-kun. I couldn't find any notebook. I'm sure someone picked it up and it'll find its way back to you."
That sure was ironic. He had gotten them back from Abe Rieko only to drop the notes somewhere. He had been so scared she would see his writing, and now anyone could have picked them up.
He didn't have the energy to get anxious about it. Besides, since last time he had gotten a new notebook. There wasn't much to use against him.
He removed the blanket and stood up.
"Thank you very much," he said with a bow. "I'll take my leave then."
***
"Momoi, can I take your measurements?" Eguchi asked.
"Momoi?" Tomo asked, surprised.
"Your friends call you Momo from Momoi, right? And both Handa-sensei and Wakabayashi-sensei call you Momoi, so I thought maybe you've changed your name."
"Close. It's actually that I never did. Shou— My father didn't really have a say in the matter, so my mother asked to have me registered as Seki Tomoki instead of Momoi Tomoki. She must have bugged the principal about it."
Eguchi looked both amused and surprised. "Your mother sounds like she's trying to force you to change your name."
"But having both my family name and my given name end with the 'ki' sound's kinda weird to me. Maybe because I'm not used to it. It worked with my sisters Chiyo and Chika though."
"You have two sisters? I got a little sister. She's in the second year of middle school. One of your sisters is in class 3-A, right? How old is the second?"
"Chiyo's older. She's 21."
"Have you asked Seki for his measurements yet, Eguchi?" Itou asked.
"Oh yeah! Can I take them?"
"I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with that."
"Did you hear that, Tatsumi? Momocchi didn't just go along with something because he thought he should."
"It must have been a ghost, Yuu. It couldn't have been Momo."
"I get it! I'll say what's on my mind," Tomo said and loosely kicked Yuu as he was measuring up a piece of plywood for a sign. "You two are idiots."
"Hey! You just messed this up, Momo!"
"No, Yuu did."
"Oi!" Yuu said, but Tatsumi laughed.
Eguchi smiled. "You seem much happier now than you did when the term started. Than when school started, actually."
"I guess it's because I have friends. I didn't have a lot of those in middle school."
"Really? I thought you had a lot?"
"Nah. I was 'too girly', you know."
"That's just stupid," Eguchi said. "But what should we do about your measurements? Want me to ask one of the guys?"