c-h-a-p-t-e-r: 6
"After 2 hours they stopped banging on the bathroom door but didn't went out of Madison room, while feeling all of that she said to herself"
I don't wanna live anymore, I'm tried of being scared, Anxious and trapped in a dark little place from where I can't get out no matter what, I'm going to try again, please god let me die this time I beg you.
"She stood up and started to wrote her another and maybe last suicide note, in which she said"
""there's absolutely no hope left in me not even a bit, I'm always scared and anxious as hell but there's noone by my side to comfort me spically when I cry, I do act like I'm strong and confidence but trust me I'm a total loser, I'm somewhere lost in a trapped box from where noone can get me out from, it's not like I didn't tried or anything I tried my best soo many time but I couldn't get out from it or nither anyone else, life hurts, people hurts me, even breathing is a painful thing for me, even right now I wanna scream and cry and ask someone to help me, comfort me but there's noone, I always been lonely I just ignored that fact and pretend that I'm not but now I'm tried of it, World: Madison need someone, I feel like a worthless thing not even a human, I feel like a worthless tiny thing who no one can see cause it's that worthless, I'm tried of being scared and pretending at the same time that I'm not scared, I'm tired of theses Hallucinations, those figures that never leave me alone, these Voices, those touches, If noone likes me or want me then say it don't pretend to like me I know I'm not worth that, I'm tried of being soo anxious all the damn time, I hate where I am right now, I don't know where the fuck to go or who to ask for help or just what to fucking do, now I'm dying I hope you'll be happy without me now."
"After writing her suicide note she started to fill the bathtub with water, and putted out her blade, when the Bathtub got full with water she turned of the tap and then started to cut her vins while lying in the bathtub and said"
Ahhh, finally I can die a bit peacefully, just god please let me die now I can't live in this world anymore.
"After saying that she drowned herself in the water and didn't let herself out until she fainted...15 minutes later she work up from being faint and got herself out from water and saw that the water is full bloodly red cause of she cutted her vain, she then washed the whole bathroom cause almost the whole bathroom was full of blood, when she finally got out from the bathroom she saw that her parents weren't their so she quickly locked her bedroom door so that no one can come, she sat on the chair and said to herself"
Why Madison, why?, Why don't I die, I don't wanna fucking live no matter what I do I don't die, I don't think there's someone more stubborn then me cause I'm that much stubborn that no matter what I do I don't die. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm starting to Hallucinate again, nooo mannn, not againnnn.....
"She's seeing a wired face person who's wearing black and gray Hoddie and was about 4'5, is seeing her again and again from a far....and 4 shadow figures, first one was besides her, second one besides the bedroom door, third one besides the bathroom door and the fourth one Infront of Madison, in fear Madison said that"
Please go, go away from me, god I can't take it anymore kill me or remove them from my mind, i can't take the fear...pl....pl.... pleas.... please....
"And then she fainted from too much fear, she woke up after 8 hours at 06:34pm from being faint, when she woke up she said to herself in a scarcatist way that"
Wow medicine what a beautiful life you have, just wow.
"Then she got mad at herself and said"
Why the hell do I not die, everybody I know wants me to die even I myself wants to die to and tired manay ways till now to die but I'm not fucking dying, just fucking why???
"While she was saying that to herself her mom knocked on her bedroom door and while Knocking she said"
Honey come out I won't do anything to you.
"Madison thought she wasn't lying so she unlocked her room and as soon as she opened it her mom started to beat her, she beated her that much that she started to bleed but her mom didn't stop beating Her, then she throwed up and then she stopped and said"
Clean up your mess right now or else I'll Kick you out of my house.
"When Madison mom said that to her dad was passed by her room he saw that her room door is open and her mom is there, he said to Madison that"
If you were a boy I would kick you out from my house away before, you're a burden for me and your mom.
"That lines which her mom and her dad said to her, touched her heart she felt so miserable, sad, lonely that there's no one to love her, Everybody doesn't want her to live, everyone she knows just want her to die, she cleaned her vomit and then locked herself in the room and as soon as she locked her door she started to cry nonstop, while crying she would repreat the words everyone has said her"
If am I really a burden for everyone and everyone wants me to die then please kill me, I tried manay times to kill myself but I don't fucking die where the hell do I go, who do I ask for help there's no one but me
"She holded her own hand to comfort herself and then after 5 hours of crying nonstop she wiped her tears and went to sleep with a bad headache cause of crying for Hours, Next day at 06:47am she woke up from a horrible nightmare she had, and after that she didn't slept cause she was afraid to have another nightmare she said to herself that"
Until my nightmares won't stop I won't sleep I'm tried of my nightmares, its always worst then my previous ones.
"She got out of bed changed her clothes, grabbed her bag and was about to open the main door to get out of the house, her mom saw her and then stopped her and said"
Hey, hey, hey what do you think you're going? Spically wearing that outfit
I'm going to the library, and what do you mean by wearing that outfit!?
First of all you aren't going anywhere
Why mom??
Cause I said so.
And go and change you're clothes
Why what's wrong with them?
Girls don't wear pent and a t-shirt
But mo...
"Madison mom didn't let her complete her sentence and said"
Go and put on a dress, and I don't wanna hear anything, go.
Okay
"She then went to her room wore a long dress which her mom got her, but after wearing it she didn't felt comfortable and nither she felt herself she felted like she's in someone elses body but she didn't changed to the clothes she like to wear and feel confident and herself cause if her mom would saw her in Madison favourite clothes she would get mad and beat her again, because she wasn't feeling confident, comfortable and herself she got mad at herself and putted out the blade and cutted herself as deeply she could, she let all her anger out on herself by. Cutting herself and while she was cutting she said"
I'm just a fucking stupid loser, please god kill me, I can't stay in the world anymore, please get me out from here I'm trapped here, just please god I beg you.
" She cutted deeply on her previous cuts too which maded her bleed nonstop she ran and got herself a towel but cause of too much bleeding the towel got full of blood and there wasn't any more space left, so she went into the shower and stood there for about half an hour and as soon as the blood stopped and got out of the shower, changed her clothes, washed her bloody towel and while washing the bloody towel she said to herself that"
Wow Madison you losted alot of blood like ALOT but you're still fucking alive, can you please just die ,Madison how the fuck should I fucking kill myself?? I can't take anything anymore I'm losing myself a bit, bit everyday, from inside I'm dead, I feel like a zombie, dead but alive, anyways you just suck Madison.
"It was now evening 4:56pm her mom neighborhood friend came (who is toxic to Madison), her mom and her neighbourhood friend was talking to eachother normally and suddenly out of nowhere her mom started to complain about Madison, she was saying.."
My daughter is a burden for me and my husband, she doesn't go to school anymore, cry, and her behaviour is really bad, she doesn't know anything, she's a loser, my husband and I are thinking of getting her married so that we'll be burden free
Yeah you're right my friend, you should get her married it'll be great and how old is she?
She's 16
I see, okay yeah you should then.
"When Madison heard that marriage line she lost control, she started to have a panic attack, she felted like a useless, worthless, stupid thing, and miserable, she didn't know what to do, or where to go, she was more disappointed from her parents, Madison never even thought that her parents would say and do things to her, she said..."
I've never been that much disappointed as I am right now
"She said that while crying"
Please god I beg you, kill me please I can't stay in this world anymore, Evey second is worst then previous second, the longer I'm be alive more worse my life gets, now I can't face my parents after hearing that spically, it's just a....a total fucked up feeling ever. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck I'm starting to Hallucinate again please god don't get me faint this time.
"She was seeing two Shadow figures, it was a mother and her kid, that kid mom was shouting at her as the kid went to her mom, then after few minutes that shadow kid went to her mom again and was about to say something he was excited to tell, but before he could say anything, that shadow mom shouted at her, it was like a deamon shouting, and at one point that figure shouted sooo aggressively that Madison fainted from fear"
"After few hours at 7;35pm she woke up from being fainted, after waking up she felt tired and sleepy but she didn't slept cause she didn't wanted to have another nightmare, so to pass the time she started to wrote a journal in which she wrotted.."
"Nightmares don't let me sleep at night and flashbacks and my PTSD attacks doesn't even let me enjoy my life in the present moment. It's just keep getting worse and worse Evey second of my life because of my triggers I can't do the daily life things like door bell ring is one of my trigger, I just want one free day from having flashbacks, anxity attacks, PTSD attacks, nightmares, triggers and Evey single fucking thing. I have no idea how to tell or ask for help to anyone, sometimes I feel like I'm a lonelyest, hopeless person who no body wants to ask that am I okay or not, it's almost gonna be one year in few days since I wanna tell and ask for help but can't, god please give me strength to ask for help"
"After writing her journal when she looked around her she saw a long black and white shadow figure and after she saw them she said"
Nahh not again I don't wanna get scared of faint again, please stop it
"She started crying because of that much fear, after a while that shadow figure came forward to get closer to Madison but as he stepped one foot forward she fainted from fear"
"Next day at 6:47am Madison woke up from being faint cause of the sound of the door bell, when she went to saw from her window that who's at her house this much early, when she saw, it was her mom friend to who Madison mom was complaining about Madison, her mom friend entered Madison room and said*
Get up, you're going to school today
But I don't wanna go..
I don't wanna hear any excuses or anything get up and go to school
No I won't go
Then go and fucking die
"Madison got silent and got up to get ready for school, when she was on her way to school she got a text from grace and she texted her that.."
Are you gonna come to school bitch or you want me to come and get you??
I'm on my way.
You better should really otherwise you'll see what I will do to you.
.......
"She got silent again, she didn't said anything,
"When she entered her class grace stood up and said"
Guess who's here now after manay days, let me tell you guys, it's Madison the loser.. come on everyone clap for her
"Everyone stood up and while clapping they all was saying"
Madison the loser, Madison the loser
"Madison got embarrassed and got hurted so she ran to the school bathroom and locked herself in it, as soon as she locked the door she cried and screamed in silence, she was crying and screaming when the school bell ringed her anxity level got high, she washed her face and went to the class and sat on the last benche alone, kids In her class were still making fun of Madison but she ignored them cause she have too, while in the first period she was thinking that"
"I will not come again to the school, I just wanna kill my damn self but no matter what I try I just don't fucking die, why, like why??"
"When she was thinking that her computer teacher called Madison name"
Madison!
Yeah teacher..
Come and write your answer on the board
But I -- I-- I don't -- umm I don't know the Answer of it teacher.....
Why you don't know that Answer if it uhh? First you don't come to school for days and when you finally come you don't know the answer, get out of my class right now I don't wanna see you in my class, a total loser girl
"When her teacher said ( a total loser girl) the whole class started to say that too, that"
Madison is loser...oh sorry, a total loser girl poor Madison
"When she went outside of the class cause started to cry and when her teacher saw Madison crying she said"
You're not a little girl anymore, stop crying like a baby
O--ok---okayy.....
"Then her teacher went back into the class, and then after few minutes Madison started to have a horrible panic attack so she ran to the bathroom locked herself so that no one will see that she's having a panic attack get heart beat got fast, she was having difficulty breathing and her body was that much shaking that she losted control on herself and started to cry in silence, when her panic attack ended she went back to her class, it was now math class, so entered the class and then her math teacher said, I know everything about you get out of my class. So she went cause she didn't had any other option left, like this periods passed by standing outside of the class, and when it was time to go home finally some of the class students came up to Madison and said"
Oh Madison loser, you're never gonna be successful, loser girl
"Madison didn't Said anything and went home, when she got home, Madison mom and dad was talking to eachother in their room, Madison tried to listen about what they are talking about, they were saying..."
She's a burden for me, her dad said to her mom
I'm tried of her, Madison mom said
"When Madison heard that she ran to her room while crying, she cried for about 3 hours and then said"
If I'm really a burden for them then kill me god, I can't stay alive while knowing it. I can't even face my parents now...
"She got up, grabbed her bag and went out on bike, when her parents saw it they tried to stop her from going out but she somehow managed to get out from the house, Madison went out of city at a very beautiful and peaceful place, she sat there till 6pm and after that place she went into a shopping mall to pass the time, when it was 8pm she got hungry so she went to a restaurant to eat, after eating it was now 10:30 pm she went home, when she entered the house thankfully her parents were sleeping so she quietly went up to her room and locked the door cause she doesn't trust her parents cause they can come anytime to say stuff to Madison or to beat her, at 12am she started to feel sleepy but she didn't let herself sleep cause she didn't wanted to have a nightmare, Anxious about what will happened to her in the morning, it was now 534am she didn't even realized when she fell asleep, but after an hour at 630 she woke up from a horrible nightmare and when she woke up she said"
Ughh fuck, I didn't even realized when I feel asleep that nightmare was horrible mann....oh fuck, school time will start in few minutes my parents can come any second that God I have locked the door, phewww
"She got out of bed, removed her bedroom curtains and saw the weather is cloudy ( which gives her more negative vibes) when she looked at the weather she said"
Ughh noooo mannn, another bad day for you Madison, uh like before I had good days, I don't know if I'll ever be free from Anxiety, depression, PTSD and my Hallucinations, I'm getting worse and worse mentally day by day...
"She was talking to herself when suddenly a loud thud she heared she ran downstairs but there was nothing neither there was something outside then she realised that she's Hallucinating again."
Fuck mann, I'm Hallucinating again, I don't think I'll ever have a normal day,
"She heard a loud thud again and got scared soo badly"
Ughh, please stop, please someone stop my Hallucinations
"Madison shouted but obviously no one listed her"
Please stop it
"She said while crying this time"
Oh fuck, no don't come closer to me, no please don't
"She was seeing a big shadow figure who was coming to Madison to kill her, Madison started to scream as loud as she could that"
Don't come closer to me, I said don't come fucking closer to me, help me, please someone help me he's gonna kill me, please help me.....
" And then she fainted for about 7 hours, when she woke up from being faint it was now 2:36pm she got up from the floor, putted out her blade and went to take shower, while taking the shower she cutted herself deeply soo manay time and because of that she losted alot of blood and cause of losing alot of blood she got soo weak that she could barely walk from her bathroom to her room but still she somehow managed to walk to her bedroom, few minutes later Someone knocked on her bedroom door, she started to have a panic attack, and when she asked who's at her door her mom said that"
Your best friend grace is here
"When Madison heard that it's grace her panic attack got more worse because now whenever she talks to Madison, she say something bad to get which increases her anxity and hurts her, Madison opened the door for grace cause she had no choice rather then opening to the for her, when Madison mom went downstairs, grace said to Madison that"
Oh you're still alive I thought you would've been dead by now
And why did you thought that?
Cause I tolded you to die and also you don't deserve to be alive so you're gonna die na!
Oh....
Yeah, let me tell you something again which is, you're such a loser and losers deserve to die and also you don't deserve to even breathe that means you don't deserve to be alive so it'll be great when you'll die cause you're a total loser and a burden for everyone, and by everyone I mean you're a burden for this whole plant, go and just fucking die already what are you waiting for uh?
"Madison panic attack got more worse from hearing all of that, that she didn't said anything to her, she just stayed quit, and because of high anxiety her Hallucinations got more worse she kept hearing, you deserve to die Madison, just kill yourself, you're a burden, loser, stupid, bitch, die Madison die, just please die already, she was hearing all of that when graced said"
Anyways I'm going now and yeah you don't deserve to live so you better be dead till tomorrow otherwise you'll see what I'll do to you
......
Madison stayed silent again
"When she lefted she putted out her Sharpest blade she own and cutted herself that much deeply that one more cut and then her bones will be shown"
"Then she started to cry and while crying she said...."
She's right I don't deserve to live I deserve to die I can't do anything, or neither is a good person, I'm just a worthless thing, I'm stupid, loser, I'm a really bad person I deserve to be dead not alive, please god forgive my sins and kill me, please god I beg you I can't take even a tiny bit thing I'm too tired of this never ending living nightmare life of mine, I just can't, i don't feel like home in this world.... I'm gonna try again to kill myself please let me die this time I beg you god please, just please..
"She got up and started to write her another and maybe the last suicide note, she's writing again cause she throwed her previous suicide note in the trash can"
Suicide note:
Before judging me or anything let me tell you that nope I didn't took this decision in panic or anything else, I took this decision of taking my own life really carefully, you can say..... I mean I thought really really deeply about it, the longer I live or you can say the more seconds I spend being alive in the living hell life of mine, my life gets more horrible, horrible word is soo small to describe my life but yeah more my life gets negative, trapped and more bad things happened to me and I don't deserve any thing good, anyways I'm just tired from everything even my own self, and I'm tried of my Hallucinations, fainting almost every night because of too much fear, negative environment getting more negative and the real life voices that scared the hell out of me, and tried of manay more things, and my dear anxity is just taking myself over and the thing I hate about myself is that no matter what happens to me I can't ask for help in real, I really hate that about me, no matter how hard I try to make things better all things come back more worse then before.... I'm scared from almost every person cause I feel like they all are gonna hurt be verbally or maybe physically too, I just don't feel like home in this world anymore, I feel like I neither belong and neither deserve to stay in this world, I'm not gonna lie I've been really miserable with Evey breathe I take, it hurts to stay alive, I'm just trapped somewhere from where there's no way out. I'm a burden on everyone and by everyone I really mean everyone, cause they have to talk to me bare me, I always make everyone mad, sad, disappointed, ect, ect....I just really can't take anything anymore, this world is slowly eating me alive and I can't do anything about it rather then let them eat me, I'm so tried of living that I can barely move from triedness. I've never felt more broken in my life that I'm feeling nowadays...
"Madison wroted this while crying her heart out"