C-h-a-p-t-e-r: 8

'When madsion woke up she said to herself'

For how long am I gonna try to kill myself again and again when it's not working I mean I have tried to kill myself 10 times already and still I'm alive, ugh how unlucky I am, I beat no-one is more stubborn then me cause no matter what i do, how hard I try to die I just don't die....uggghhhh.... okay fine madsion try to live, fuck okay, I'm gonna try to live I won't care abut anything I'll just try to live the way I want. I promise myself that I'll make my life better..

'She got out of bed changed into her favorite formal cloths and went downstairs, when her mom saw madison she said to her'

Wait, wait, wait where do you think you're going young lady wearing this?

Why is there anything wrong with my outfit?

Yeah and you're not going out like this.

Well I will go out like this.

'Madison mom got mad and locked madison in a small dark room, madison banged on the door where she was locked in begged her mom to open the lock but she didn't and left alone her daughter with suicidal thoughts'

I wish I would die right now, I can't stay alive like this, I'm tired of living this nightmare life of mine, I can't fucking take it anymore mann! let me see if there is anything that will help me kill myself.

'Madison said to herself and then started screeching'

Come on there must be something...

'She said while screeching'

'After few minutes she finally found something'

Finally...a rope, i can die by hanging, let's try this one I wanna see how stubborn I can be.

'She note the rope around her neck and was about to hang herself when she heard lock opening sound so she quickly hided the rope and sat down, when the door opened she saw it was her mom'

Change your outfit and then come downstairs to eat dinner

but....

I don't want to hear anything madison go and do as I told you to do.

Ok-O-Okay mom...

'She changed her outfit and went downstairs to eat dinner, she secretly mixed poison in her food and eat it as fast as she could and went upstairs in her room'

These people will never let me stay alive peacefully, I hope this poison will work on me..

'She started writing another suicidal note cause she lost the previous note again in that note she wrote...'

'So the reason I'm doing suicide is that I wanted peace for more then 5 years and from the last year I need peace more then I need oxygen to live and I realized that I'm not only meant to be in this country, I'm not even meant to be in the world, I mean this world isn't for me. My life is becoming worse and worse living nightmare which seems impossible for me to escape no matter where I go theses shadow figures, theses voices, theses people who I can't see but they touch me and try to kill me, it's feels like a demons is touching me. All theses 3 doesn't leave me alone and it's just getting hard day by day to understand what's real and what's not. It's like I'm standing between real and fake world, even the smallest voice scared the fuck out of me, it's hard to breathe sometimes because of my anxiety and sometime because someone I can't see is trying to kill me.

Ahh I really hope it will work now, I'm literally so tired I seriously can't take it anymore...

'She said that while crying silently and after crying for few minutes she somehow stopped herself from crying and went to take medicines from the kitchen this time it was 100 pills, she took them into her room locked herself and stared at them for a while them and then suddenly took more then 80 pills at once without even thinking about it twice and went to sleep hoping that hopefully she'll won't wake up now but next day she sadly did, and when she woke up she couldn't do anything cause of sooo much dizziness, she couldn't even move, which obviously meant that the medicines she have done overdose on has worked but she got so sad that why didn't it ended her?...she couldn't even move from too much dizziness so she spend the whole day at bed barley moving next day she started to feel sick and in 2 days her health got too much worse she was vomiting almost nonstop, she wasn't even able to eat anything and if she would even just a tiny bit she would throw up, when the reports came it was clear that the medicines have effect her kidneys so badly and because of that she had to went to ER every day and then when it was on the almost last stage she got admitted into the kidney center of her city but all of this happening to her she still didn't stopped her suicidal thoughts rather then lessing or ending it just got worse she thought that her both kidneys are already in a really worse situation so why not take advantage of it and do overdose on 100 more pills like this way I'll be dead for sure but before she could act on her suicidal thoughts she fainted from too much low blood pressure and when she woke up it was too late to act on her suicidal thoughts, she was attached to some kinds of machines and was injected drips and had a urine bag on so basically she couldn't move until she was better which means after getting better it's gonna be almost impossible for the overdose to work but she still didn't gave up on her suicidal thoughts she still thought that'

Right after I'll arrive home I'll do overdose on more then 200 or almost 250 pills then I don't think that I'll still remain alive after doing overdose on that many medicines....

'When she got back home from hospital after being recovered she started questing her suicidal thoughts that'

Is this worth it? Is it even gonna work? what if It'll work but I'll get saved again,then? was I just suppose to came into this world to just suffer, suffer and suffer until I'm tired and then just end myself by doing suicide? don't I deserve happiness too? ahhh I'll commite suicide or whatever.....

"And then fell asleep, cause of the medicines the hospital gave her for her kidneys...Next day when she woke up she felted sad, broken, lonely, she didn't had the energy to move she just started crying in the dark room, the more she cried the more she felted miserable, lonely, broken, hopeless mostly all numb and dead. She really missed her bestest friend who would be there for here in her difficult time and would make her feel great even would make her laugh hard until her stomach would hurt, would take care of her like elder bro in simple words would do anything to make madison feel great but....it was her compulsion to not to talk to him otherwise she just couldn't control herself from calling him. she spend weeks like this in a dark room, not showering or eating ,lying in her bed crying feeling broken, miserable, lonely, tapped in negative environment totally gave up, hopeless it was like it was end of her, she's taking her last breaths, trying to somehow spend her last moments in this hell type of life and in these weeks her parents started to say stuff to her again like, you're just useless, you're stupid, crazy, I wish you were dead, It'll be great If you'll die, just please die, I'm not your mom get lost don't talk to me, you're a burden, we doesn't care about you and that's the truth ect ect she had to listen to these kind of words every after a while every day while feeling like that and then one day...'

"Door Bell rings"

'When Madison mom went to answer the door, it was her so called besties from madison neigbourhood , at that time when madison itself heard the door bell ringed she knew it was them so she started to have a panic attack. As soon as her so called besties entered her room her anxiety level got high as hell but she pretended to be as clam as she could,one of her so called bestie locked the room as soon she entered her room, went up to her and said'

When are you gonna die uhh?! I told you, you should be dead by today, why on earth are you alive right now? uhh??!!

'While beating madison up on her chest, arms, legs, stomach, neck, basically on her whole body including her private parts too. Poor Madison didn't knew that what was happening to her was " Abuse " and not what " every besties do ".'