Upsides and Downsides

By the door, Kayla had left me a pile of clothes, as promised. It felt nice to finally be in something dry, and the warmth of our apartment made me want to roll up and watch a movie. Clattering and soft music flowed from the kitchen, and I watched from the walkway as she hummed to herself.

Today was a good kind of not good day. It was not a perfect description, but after being in the rain- the biting torrents that stung my veins like fire- I was here. I was every bit in the present that I wanted to be.

"Typha." The look on Kayla's face caused my throat to dry. Did I do something wrong? She looks like she could murder me right now.

"What took you so long? Did you die and come back to life?" Maybe I shouldn't have laughed at her rhetorical question when her gaze could dice and splice me into slivers.

"I wasn't even gone that long...?" The upturn of my voice took away the validity and strength I had in my statement. "I was only gone for two hours tops-"

"Five hours Ty. Five. Hours." A small frown creased my brow at how condescending she was being; I didn't need her to stress each word like I was some second grader. I shook my head and let out a breath.

"Do you always want to be angry at me now? Cus this isn't funny. I wasn't gone that long-"

"Ty. I care for you, but you are so OUT of it." She pulled her hair up into a ponytail and motioned towards the clock on the stove.

"You told me that your appointment ended at 9 AM. If it was two hours, you would have been home by noon-ish. Look at the time Ty." I rolled my eyes.

"I didn't fall asleep. Can we please, please," My hand rubbed my temples tenderly. This... I was so awake, and now I feel myself sinking back all over again. "Maybe not do this today? Please?"

Looking at my face, she let out a heavy sigh and set down her chopping knife. Shock sparked across my face as she buried her face in my shoulder, her arms holding me tightly.

"I thought you were the one who said that ignoring your problems wouldn't make them go away?"

"Touché " I wrapped my arms around her and let everything from today go. "I'm just feeling good today, and I don't want anything to get in the way of it. Just for one day, I wanna pretend that all of this is real."

"We can do that then- just for one day." A laugh barked from me at her muffled voice through my shirt. She stepped back and picked up the knife again, cutting tomatoes precisely.

"What do you wanna do tonight? Anything you want." It was my timid attempt at starting things over. Nothing spoke but the voice of her knife meeting the cutting board, and the soft gurgle of water beginning to boil.

"Let's watch a horror movie? Something like that sounds good today." I nodded in agreement. While she cooked I set up the coffee table with mats and coasters for our drinks. Once dinner was ready, I started to dish out the food as she picked through amazon for a good movie neither of us have seen. After searching for too long, she finally decided on a classic 'evil creature vs a group of stupid teenagers' type film. For having such a basic plot, I was surprised by how decent the jump-scares and plot twists were. Their creativity made up for the cliched areas of the movie.

Perhaps Kayla made the wrong choice for watching a scary movie when it was dark and storming outside. My left arm was almost turning purple from how tightly she was gripping me, but I didn't really mind it. Watching the movie, the creatures didn't compare to what I had seen- the fantastical creatures of my dreams. In the movie, the creatures didn't necessarily eat people; the only motivation they seemed to have was... that they were the 'horrible' monsters of the movie.

The thought made me chuckle a bit. And they were too beautiful to be monsters. They were not magnificent by human standards- I guess what I meant to say was that they could easily be docile, if the movie wrote them to be docile. They were scary, but the type of scary you almost wished was real, just so you could fix them. Make them into beautiful monsters, make them into gorgeous catastrophes. Maybe that was the allure of helping people sometimes.

I cast a shielded glance to Kayla, her eyes completely focused on the TV. Did she think of me like that? The basic orphan story, my deteriorating mental health? I threw the thought away. The way she was clinging onto me right now, I could make a timid conjecture that she cared for me more than my problems. Her warm body leaned into mine as the suspense began to build, and I turned my attention back to the movie.

I wished I could always be here for her like this. An arm to hold onto when she needed me, not the other way around. A minuscule sigh slithered through my teeth. The wolf-looking creature growled lowly, blood dripping from its long titanium fangs. Our speakers shook as it took in a deep, shuttering breath before it stood back on its legs, about to pounce.

I'll go see the Stevenstons.

The creature jumped down onto the teenager, and it seemed like the beast had won. Was it supposed to be surprising when it was revealed the teenager had impaled it? Barely saving his own life? Kayla let out a small noise and sat up, coming back to reality as the credits dripped down the screen.

"Did you like it?" I asked her. She rubbed her face, her cheeks flushed.

"Yea," Her voice was just slightly fractured.

"Do you think you're gonna have nightmares?" The jab landed well, her mouth opening in objection.

"Well- it was scary!! I don't know how you didn't jump at all- and there was so much blood and gore," she made a disgusted face. "I know it was fake but still."

"Mmhmm." A slap to my arm made me laugh loudly. Oh to be so easily teased, my mind smiled.

"But yes," She admitted. "That creature- it's eyes- it was so mangled looking. It was like if a dog had been chopped up with a blender- god I don't even want to think about it."

Seeing the crease in her brow, I poked her cheek lightly.

"Wussy."

"Oh my god I hate you." My smile began to hurt my cheeks. Getting up, I cleared the plates and started to turn the lights off for her to go to bed. She was still on a normal sleeping schedule, and I tried to keep everything else on that schedule too.

"Are you going to stay up for awhile longer?" It was one of those questions that reminded me of high school. There was a time where we weren't so different. She had her hair died blonde back then; she liked changing things constantly. It was honestly a surprise of what she would look like each day, and I was impressed by it. Change always felt so uncomfortable to me, and to her, it was addictive.

"Yea, I'm gonna be up for awhile." She pretended to nod thoughtfully, even though she already knew what she was going to ask.

"Do you think I could spend the night in your room?"

I held my chin thoughtfully.

"I'll have to ask my manager, we only accept reservations." At her hand smacking her forehead dramatically, I caved in.

"Sure," I started. "I just don't wanna bother you if at some point I fall asleep and talk or whatever else." Her eye peeked out from between her fingers.

"Maybe it'll help both of us- who knows?" Who knows? Her philosophy sounded very academically concrete.

"I won't argue with a professional." Compliments always lit up her face. Her teeth flashed slightly, and her eyes softened. At that she got up and we both headed to our rooms. Returning with her own pillow, I grabbed us some new blankets and let her choose her side of the bed.

Though she needed to sleep, we both found it irresistible to not talk for a little bit. Our chatter was random and soft, but it was nice. We each settled down into the blankets, and when she finally decided to succumb to her much needed rest, I reached over and turned off the light.

After a matter of only 15 minutes, she was peacefully asleep. Wonder danced across my mind of what she dreamed of- what her dreamland had to offer. My mind conjured up guesses of random dreams with no meaning- like spilling a bag of tea cups, or riding a horse down a busy highway. Maybe her dreams were little glimpses into her goals- a house, someone to be loved by, romantic moments. If her dreams were based in the past like mine, I assumed that maybe they were childhood utterances; complete with people of the past clashing with the new 'you'- the you which had changed while your memories hadn't.

As I stared blankly at my ceiling, my room felt void when I realized I had left my backpack and notebook in my car. I wanted to flip through the pictures again, maybe just to re-feel the warmth they gave me for a moment. My mind wandered back to the Stevensons; how autumn break was just around the corner. It would be a good time to go back.

Emptiness- hesitation. The voice hummed quietly, and I covered my eyes with my arm. Everything felt so wrong. Each scuff on the wall, each particle of dust waltzing through the air. The blood pulsing between my ears- the shake of each inhale and exhale.

The movie replayed for a little bit behind my eyes- looping back to the creatures. The voice murmured making monsters beautiful was something too human. Something naively weak and open-hearted. Nobody wanted to take a giant squid and offer it kindness, nobody would want to sit outside a boar's den to offer it company.

The creatures- the deadly ones. Perhaps the only way to be unafraid of them was to be more deadly. To have seen more destruction than they are capable- to understand why they do it, and side with them. Side- are there sides? The teenagers vs the monsters?

I closed my eyes and let out a tired breath. There's an excess of teenagers anyway.