GAY OR EUROPEAN: THE ZHAO YUNLAN EDITION

The residents of sleepy Tallahassee had not forgotten, or lacked Intel about the magnificent revelation in the magic magician the previous day, and the nosy bunch couldn't keep their paws off what should have been a small, private matter among three people, so the hunt for the full truth was on! Since Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei's exposed tales of the possibility homosexual nature, everyone wanted to provide a definite answer to what had been labelled the gay or european problem, which wouldn't be a common concern if people like Zhao Zhen and Boya had more life than working at Walmart as half catsitter and half shelf stacker, and the coffee shop had more intelligent business to talk about, but this is a comedy story set in a dead apartment block, not a stunning tale of academic wit and real achievement like you might read during school.

That's why the apartment had split into teams of two or three, and each took shifts following Zhao Yunlan, the most useless police officer that didn't even know he was being intensely stalked. One such team was manager Qiming, Boya and Honey Bug the tabby cat, for cover as the happy man reasoned. Boya thought it ridiculous that anyone would believe a man literally chasing his extremely lost cat around the local vicinity, especially the supermarket mascot, but he also had no reason to say it would fail , thus expose them, considering Princess Zhao's awful sense of stranger danger and he had a bit of a growing soft spot for the feline from working at Walmart, so he almost wanted to have her company. She was currently curled up against his chest in one of his big hoodies, snoring little cat snores as he walked around the market square, waiting for the target to leave the police station again. “Am I right in observing how happy Boya Di looks carrying my cat? The same tabby you banned from your balcony and put up ten feet fences to try and keep my pets out, until Gongsun finally complained above you.”, Qiming teased with a shit eating smile.

Admitting affection would make him the weaker one in this day to day battle, therefore he could not fully confess his warm and fuzzy feelings about animals, “It’s just a good distraction from having to sit here for hours, besides, I had a friend who really loved dogs, and he never got a chance to raise one, so I take every opportunity to experience what he couldn’t. Why don’t you buy us a taco and soda from that taco bell for this boring shift, do something useful.”

The other man could have refused point blank, like most people would do when faced with an angry Boya, but he shrugged, “Sriracha, mayo or both? I take my tacos mild, though some don’t.” His grumpy neighbor mouthed sriracha, which got taken as the answer.

Another unlikely team of more sneaky spies, the hot shot police officer Bai Yutong and his own enemy neighbor, freshly graduated doctor of psychology Zhan Yao, was tailing Shen Ge in a restaurant, where was eating lunch with a university associate. The meeting was very ordinary, and it looked like Zhan Yao had wasted his time to start with. Working with Bai Yutong had been a big jump from sworn enemies to cooperative frenemies, and several times since seeing him, he'd wanted to punch him in the face, like when the vain police officer wanted to wear his new white tracksuit out on an espionage mission, where people usually tried to wear dark colours, such as his sensible navy chinos, black t-shirt and sneakers. "Who said this was a fashion show? We are trying to follow Shen Wei around and not have him see that anything is weird, which will be hard with his humongous brain working so well. Boya and Qiming have it lucky, following that stupid oaf Zhao Yunlan.”, he complained, waving his hands up and down wildly upon seeing his spy partner's outfit. Yutong did have to admit that he wasn’t exactly wearing the most inconspicuous clothes, but his new adidas tracksuit was really nice to look at, and he had the white trainers to match, which was a must when matching an outfit right?

When they finally got out, the policeman dressed in a compromise of grey chinos from Zhan Yao’s closet and a light blue shirt from his own wardrobe, and settled in a private booth near the table Shen Wei was sitting at with his female colleague, the doctor realised something else that could be a problem with their task. The people in the restaurant were all either friends or couples, not paired up neighbors who no long ago were taking part in a strategic war of sleep deprivation and mild violence. There was only one quick solution that worked out best for everyone involved, and it meant he needed to pretend to actually like Bai Yutong. “Officer Bai, are you comfortable with pretending to be on a date for this one time? That waitress looks suspicious everytime I glare at you, expecting another young couple dating.”, he asked hesitantly.

Yutong gasped dramatically, “Hissy Kitty wants to date me? I’m flattered, but will he pay his half of the date like a good boyfriend, I doubt it.”, he replied in mock seriousness. The face that his prim neighbor made was hilarious, but also acknowledged the truth that being a couple might be a better cover than just sitting there.

From there onwards, things neither got more comfortable or less convincing, because despite the awkwardness of the play acting, Zhan Yao and Bai Yutong seemed to be a natural couple in some intimate ways, made for each other. The way that the doctor’s slim hand and thin fingers could have theoretically fit in the hold of the policeman’s bigger, stronger and more tanned hand was mesmerising, almost like they were destined to be together, but they didn’t hold hands, you know, since they totally weren’t into each other and would rather die before dating. At some point in the observation of waiting for all the participants of Shen Wei’s very long lunch meeting, which turned out to be the whole science department of Tallahassee university, Yutong beckoned a waiter over to order some snacks to shut Zhan Yao’s growling belly up. Like usual, the self negligible academic had just had his regular double espresso poured down his throat by Zhao Zhen after a night of intense curriculum studying, and definitely not remembered to eat his big boy fruit loops with extra protein and vitamins, unlike his beefed up neighbor. So a sharing plate of bbq wings, sriracha chicken, fries and salad was ordered and sat between them on the table in the booth.

That’s when it happened, the wondrous moment that made one waitress visibly swoon. Throughout the stay at the restaurant, the handsome cop, because that's what people knew officer whoever as now if they didn't bother much with the proper town news, had been making cute moves on the guy with the doe eyes, captivating unknowingly fujo hearts, and when hot cop reached for the salt the time as doe eyes, a collective gasp came from the table nearby, luckily not the table Shen Wei was at.

Bai Yutong’s heart went dokidoki in his chest, at the brush of soft, unabraised skin against his own, and he quickly withdrew it. Zhan Yao looked equally affected, pink as a peach and frozen in space, and people found this incredibly cute, taking the reactions as first date nerves. “Uh, sorry. I didn’t mean that to happen, that was awkward.”, he stuttered nervously.

Boya and Qiming weren’t doing much better, even with no gawky romance. The main issue between the little emo and his sunshine boss was a difference in temperament, and nothing was likely to change that, but at least their relationship, if you could call it that, was more civil than Gongsun the coroner and chief Jintang. Aside from diagnosing, or simply fixing up the vert messy corpses that came into the police morgue, the man only really had two other hobbies, raising deadly plants and collecting various violent weapons, not exactly the most common or safe interests to be fair. Today, Gongsun was awaiting the delivery of the rarest part of his collection, the miniature belladonna plant! Tallahassee wasn't the best place to get live plants in to begin with, and something that could be turned into a poison with the right knowledge was not sold by the neighborhood florist, who mostly had sad looking, half wilted roses and the occasional perky peony flower. He had been overjoyed to see the post on the rare plants society group chat, letting people know about a new stock of potted belladonna plants from a Tallahassee supplier online, and ordered a nice red one to match the generally foreboding and horror inspired theme of his apartment. It was supposed to be sitting outside his door, but when it wasn't wrapped up on the doormat, he shifted his eyes to the house opposite.

Bai Jintang was in the middle of watching the season finale of some high budget, nonsensical xianxia drama on his huge tv, in his boxers and lacy nightgown because he planned to not do anything else for the day and it was particularly hot that day. So he wasn’t exactly dressed for visitors when his creepy neighbor knocked on the door, who was coincidentally the town coroner that ruined his morning mocha, and got asked about a plant that should have been delivered. “If this little shrub was so important, you should have said something before this. The courier thought I was Gongsun Ce, whom I know I am not by now, hastily handed me a vicious looking red flower pot, which I dropped in my food waste because it looked scary. Besides, who would have known that it was your rare plant?”, he complained. Carmine lace robe, scandalously tight underwear and impractically long glossy hair considered, most people would be honoured to be in the presence of the neighborhood Prince, but Gongsun just wanted his plant baby to be safe, as he rushed to the kitchen and dug his thankfully well wrapped up belladonna shrub out the garbage.

"You monster, how could you abuse my property without feeling bad? I'll remember this when I next see you at the café!", he shrieked violently loudly. He was cradling the slightly mashed up paper ball like a baby as he rushed back to his apartment, still screaming about betrayal and child abuse, but the very effectiveindustrial air conditioning in the hall was making his skin get goosebumps under the flimsy lace of his gown, and he had frankly more enjoyable things to do before he tried to learn why he was called an abuser, when he didn't do anything outwardly vicious.

Bai Yutong and Zhan Yao never quite recovered from holding hands until much later, and it only made sense to forbid each other from telling anyone else in fear of fatal embarrassment. Shen Wei had moved from the restaurant, to three local Walmart to try and haggle with customer service for money off his bag of rice, actually got kicked out by the worker and went home in a sulk. Yutong felt his own haggling heart drop, because being thrown out over wanting a discount was the worst thing that could happen, besides being formally banned from an establishment. They both had a little pink blush on their cheeks from the monetary skin to skin contact at the restaurant, but that wouldn't jeopardize their spy mission so it was fine, and there were no feelings involved right? Bai Yutong was as straight as an arrow, or he lived like a fitness loving monk with the fear that his female significant other would end up treating him like his mother, and have to be functional before 7 in the morning again, which shouldn't have been such a terrible thought for an army vet and police academy graduate. He would never want a cold and crazy doctor as his Mr or Mrs right!

Zhao Yao was exceptionally confused about what he himself wanted in a relationship, apart from having a faint idea he probably wasn't interested in only women, leaning towards being bisexual, but also leaning towards being more gay than bi. Experiencing a rush of something akin to comfort, a rare sensation in his relatively reserved relationship with his parents, he didn't know what to think about holding hands accidentally. Shen Ge would know what to do, if he could tell anyone else without Zhao Yunlan and his big mouth spreading new rumours round more people than Zhan Yao knew.

Boya, in comparison, had a great stalking day with two free meals and regular cat therapy. Honey bug had stayed relatively still in his hoodie, pawing at his shirt to be released to go outside toilet in a bush twice in the duration of the mission, Qiming managed to stay quiet and not piss his neighbor off for once, and Zhao Yunlan was a disappointing subject. He literally stayed at work, didn’t even get lunch himself because he was lazy and sent an intern out for taco bell though it was only five minutes from the Pd, and went home on the bus to Shen Wei’s apartment for dinner when he got out. No signs of being outwardly gay, yet no signs of being involved with any other human being were displayed, and they concluded that what was really significant, was the lack of anything going on for a flirt like Zhao Yunlan, behaving like a good boy and going home to wife Shen for dinner at the right time.

Only time, or some more varied circumstances would give a clear answer. For now though, the united neighbors against secrecy group had to give up and wait for more information.