THEY'RE NOT DATING?

The wise and respected Professor Shen, without knowing why, had recently gained a group of stalkers in the form of his fellow residents. Him and Yunlan got followed a lot, into mundane places like the Magical magician and Walmart, but because Yunlan was the most useless police officer ever, he didn’t seem to really notice. If he did, the silly fool would probably think he had a fan club of people that recognised his brilliant police work of doughnut eating and walking around low key flirting with everything that moved was police work. So he let his neighbors stalk them, knowing that at least three of them were leather wearing Boya, expresso addict Zhan Yao and bleach man Bai Yutong. To fully explain why he was a victim of public interest, he had to go back to a week ago, on one lonely night in the lobby…

It was almost dark in sleepy Tallahassee, and if this was a fairytale, the monsters would be lurking around the building by now, but this is a very sensible sitcom, and no one believed in monsters or damsels. There was however, a happy Yunlan and Shen Wei coming back from a late night trip to the boba shop down the road, who were very happy to have the peace to go there without having to line up for hours. If love was a monster, then these two had it bad. “Wei Er, should I walk you back to your apartment, or will you be safe without me? My beautiful professor can’t risk getting hurt.”, he offered flirtatiously. Rock of oblivion professor Shen thought this was a genuine offer, because he didn’t have a romantic or receptive bone in his body, so the blunt flirting was lost.

“Silly Lan Er, we live across from each other and have done for a year. Yes you can walk me back, but only because you just have to cross the hall to get home safely, the community needs officer Zhao to protect us.", he replied lightly, giving Yunlan his most beaming smile yet. Boya had been passing by the lift to buy late night snacks, and when he heard this soppy conversation, that even he realised had clear romantic undertones, he hid behind the fake palm tree by the lobby door to listen in. Shen Ge was definitely more than friendly neighbors with that useless police officer, who barely deserved his meagre salary for being called a police officer when all he protected people from was heart failure by doughnut, because he practically lived on the round sugary things! They entered the lift after a few minutes, which was enough time for the convenience store Boya was planning to run to for snacks to shut for the night, as he discovered most inconveniently. However, he had now an enquiry for the professor when he next saw Zhan Yao or the man himself, what kind of relationship were Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei in to be so close, yet so far from what they looked like?

Shen Wei did admit that from the first time he saw his then unknown neighbor crash into the building drunk, as he himself was finding his key to put his bags of Walmart groceries away and wash up for bed. The other man’s scruffy hair and fledgling beard fluff, along with the stained t-shirt and overused blue jeans, made the mommy in the professor want to coddle this scruffy individual until he looked like he’d walked straight out of a model campaign. He had always dampened the urge he got to take care of pretty much everyone except himself, but this neighbor broke all his carefully built walls with one goofy smile, and that was how Shen Wei ended up inviting the stranger to stay for the night while he found the building super to unlock the poor soul’s apartment in the morning. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, sweetcheeks? Can you tell me what an attractive, funny man like me is doing without your number?”, Yunlan had slurred drunkenly. At the time, innocent prof Shen had no idea what any of that meant, but he surmised it was something said under the influence of too much alcohol.

After the first encounter in the lobby, they had frequently seen each other, whether it was at Walmart, the Magical Magician, the police station or the bank, and Yunlan was getting increasingly curious about the lovely neighbor that helped him out constantly, so he asked the pretty spectacled other something he should have saved until much later on. “Do you have a girlfriend, good neighbor Shen? Any woman would be grateful for a house master that always seems to have leftovers to maintain the good health of his associates.”, he blurted randomly. The words leaving Zhao Yunlan’s mouth were frequently either filthy or flirty, and today was no exception, unfortunately for Shen Wei and the colleagues gathering around him in the market square. Doctor Kim from natural sciences, who happened to be standing next in the line for the sandwich stand, went red in the face and quickly ducked out of line, which made the police officer reconsider what he had just said, but it turned out that the professor wasn’t any better for causing misunderstandings.

“I am very single, and if I had a romantic partner, a man would be better suited to my tastes. I just haven’t found the right person yet, so I want to save myself for the one.”, Shen had replied cutely. Zhao Yunlan’s playboy heart nearly jumped out his chest, because oh pangu, cute housewife Wei was too seductive an image to keep his feelings inside. Doctor Kim actually fainted, from having to watch the two men blatantly flirt yet speak each word as if he had been reciting a grocery list, and the day had to go on without further conversation.

That tentative foray into indecency had long since continued, several months and year long, until poor Shen Ge thought that most of what Yunlan said was just pick up lines and perfectly normal daily conversation, and even went as far as relaying these dinner topics to his own friends. It was Zhan Yao who told him that another man bending over in front of him in scandalously thin shorts was something people didn’t do, and they definitely avoided talking about one night stands in detail or sharing detailed descriptions of how itchy the Florida weather left their balls. Gongsun had actually spat his mini chicken leg out hearing prim professor Shen talk about his neighbors specific preferences for womens chest size or mens asses. Being told a bit more about basic human interaction should have made him generally wiser, but he took it as a small lesson in human interaction and thought that the problem was talking about genitals among others. Luckily everyone got so drunk, no one remembered about officer Zhao’s hairy bits in the morning.

The other side to this was Zhao Yunlan’s slight stalker problem, and when word of how close the two neighbors were, a certain spoiled vet’s daughter weighed in, and so did everyone else, because a community was a community in every way like that. Zhu Hong chose Zhao Zhen and Da Qing as her audience, taking up half the takeaway counter as she drank her extremely bitter double espresso over ice, insisting that Yunlan was totally interested in her, not that plain old professor. “He always wants to go out with me, because I take Ah Lan to expensive restaurants and buy nice presents, daddy gives me a whole allowance for that. Shen laoshi is a poor man compared to me, who gives my precious officer home cooked dinners made with his tiny salary and the best outing they go on is to buy boba at night. Why aren’t people commenting on how close we are?”, she stropped, more like a child than a grown woman. Zhao Zhen sipped his organic peach iced tea with added collagen supplement delicately, and gave Da Qing the ‘I told you so’ side eye, which basically meant that he was the chosen one to potentially offend the customer this time.

Living with Zhao Yunlan, of course Da Qing knew that all the alleged joy Yunlan got from spending time with Zhu Hong was really fear for hurting her glass like feelings and facing the wrath of daddy Zhu, who happened to head the theft investigation team. He wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship in the least, and kept up a facade of politeness each time he was gifted another uncomfortably expensive watch, then sold each one for cash to supplement his back account, where he always met up with professor Shen and came back truly happy, even if all they did was buy milk tea and walk around the park. “Lao Zhao never keeps any of your presents, he sells them as soon as possible, or likes the posh gourmet dinners you pay for using other people’s money, that’s why he goes to his neighbor after and has second meals. Shen Weii may be less privileged, but his intentions are honestly friendly, and if you knew your officer Zhao that well, you would know that he likes simple food that reminds of his mothers dinners and strolls around the park to calm down after work. I never hear him talk about you as much or as happily as Shen Ge, so face it Hong Jie, he isn’t into you no matter what you try to buy him with.”, he delivered bluntly.

Zhu Hong turned an ughly shade of purple, or rather green as everyone thought she should, having lost face in the fight for her man. Zhao Zhen smirked, because the latest love triangle affair was turning out to be juicier than he thought it would, as the main villain fell apart before his pretty hazel eyes. She lost all composure, and started glaring round the cafe to find someone to corroborate her obvious success, which happened to be a wild Bai Yutong coming in for more of the daily special iced green tea. “Officer Bai, doesn’t Yunlan love me so much I’m always on his mind? Surely he talks about me all day.”, she questioned him fiercely. He took a tentative step back, feeling Ma Bai levels of danger radiating off this woman he didn’t particularly know.

“Miss Zhu, the first and last thing my colleague said today was about distinguished professor Shen’s beautiful cooking and how he should never wear glasses again to let everyone see his pretty chocolatey eyes. In my time as an officer here, he has never waxed lyrical about anyone but one man, Shen Wei. I’m no detective yet I can confirm his lack of interest in a relationship with you.”, he replied honestly. The smug coffee shop owner couldn’t hold himself back anymore, seeing stupid Hong literally outnumbered by witnesses to how little her supposedly true love cared for her, and if he had to listen to her hysterical wailing, it was going to give him stress wrinkles.

“Now two people have personally testified, can you take your coffee to go like you should have done twenty minutes ago and cry in the soundproof walls of your own apartment? Officer Bai needs serving, and unless you learned to be completely unruly, you would leave before Laoban calls the police.”, Da Qing complained noisily.

Zhao Zhen was losing patience fast, at the thought of losing money just because of a blind bitch fight, “Firstly, what did I say about calling me laoban in fucking Florida, and secondly, we have the police here! Officer Bai is probably the most authoritative figure in the city of Tallahassee , and you think another useless one would help get little miss green eyes out of our hair?”, he snapped. Zhu Hong ran out of the cafe weeping, Bai Yutong laid a ten dollar bill on the counter for his 3 cups of special tea, he couldn't forget his colleague and brother unless he wanted to be glared at for a week, and Da Qing got to work on that like it was his job to do that, while the owner went in the back room to strop in peace. This was another regular day in the not so sleepy part of Tallahassee, especially quiet as the spoiled princess had finally learned that her charming prince was one hundred percent uninterested, and preferred to be the damsel in distress to his own King.

Princess Zhao went home without knowing any of the chaos that surrounded him, and changed into the least offensive smelling pair of shorts and t-shirt for dinner at Shen Wei's homely apartment. He had brought the tea with him, some loose leaf Jasmine tea from his private collection, and would brew the tea while Shen Wei cooked whatever delicious meal he had prepared. Whenever he was sitting at the humble kotatsu in his good neighbors apartment, whatever chaos had followed his brain home flew away, and he could experience the closest feeling to inner peace possible. "Wei Er? I bought tea for dinner.", he called through the letterbox.

Shen Wei was extra distracting today, in a warm beige sweater, blue checked pajama pants and cream slippers, you know, on top of the normal level of distracting. Yunlan didn't say anything, but he could honestly see himself in those pajama pants one day, however, he had a whole lot of ginger and chicken soup, fried rice and vegetables to fill his growling belly with. "Thank you Lan Er, let me fetch the traditional tea set in the kitchen to brew your leaves and we can eat. Do you want water while you wait for the soup to be ready?", he replied gently.

"No thanks, Yutong and his brother took turns buying the daily special since it was so hot today. It will be better to savour the chicken soup with fresh tea, so I should wait to start brewing it.", Yunlan answered pleasantly. This was his kind of routine, and if he could have Shen Wei cook for him everyday and smile like an angel, he would be the happiest man alive.