Chapter 7. Family

Home, family

You can't choose your bloodline. It sucks sometimes, I know. They have the same features as you, they are connected to you with their blood. Sometimes I wish I could arise some people. It isn't possible in this world of ours.

I told my parents that I want to move away. My mum said that I can't. I am not an average teenager I know, I have my difficulties. She said that I am not stable enough to be alone, not healthy enough to survive by myself. I know my difficulties better than anyone, I know what I am able to do. I know what's best for me because I know me best. I know that my parents and family give me anxiety. Yeah, my parents might have lived thirty years more than me, but they have never been inside of my mind. They might know me, but not as well as I know myself. I need this, I need time alone.

I need time to think and relax. I am that kind of person who needs lots of time alone, my mom isn't. She is social and extroverted and I am a sensitive introvert. We are two totally different people. She apologizes after the fight, I need some time to process. It can take me days or weeks to get over one fight.

Sometimes your family gets on your nerves. It's normal. I am slightly moving to adulthood and my parents are not ready to let me go. Sometimes letting go is better than staying.

You can't choose who you are related to and that sucks sometimes. Some times you wish they all would just simply disappear and forget your existence. But the life that doesn't work that way, does it? Sometimes I wish I could erase everyone's memory of me. Then I could be all by myself and live my life knowing that no one actually knew me. Sometimes disappearing seems like a good choice, but what would you miss. You would miss out on all the family game nights and dinners and birthday parties with pinatas, but you would also miss all the fights, accidents, and horrible deaths of your loved ones.

I have a chosen family. It's a group of friends but they don't feel like friends anymore. We all have become so close in these past few years. If someone needs a ride, family got you. If you need to borrow money, family got you. If you are having a crisis, we got you. They are always there no matter what you do. Family is loving and caring for each other in a way a friend would care for another. All families have their joys but also their bad sides. Family is binding. Sometimes it feels like detention. But overall you need others to survive no one is meant to survive alone. You do need help and love, and that doesn't make you weak.

When I think of my mum I think of my failures. She didn't choose me, I didn't choose to be here. When I think of mum I think of the pain I have caused and all the trouble I put her through. Some kids sell their noods online and smoke weed in the school bathrooms, but me, I don't do that.

My mum says that I'm an angel, but the truth is that I might be an angel and if I am, I am a fallen one, a fallen angel. I have my flaws. Now that I think about it... I hate myself for causing so much worry and pain to my mum. She has always been the one who worries, sometimes even for no reason.

She says that she believes in me, but she doesn't. She doesn't let me move because she is scared of losing me. She does believe in my potential, but she just doesn't believe enough. When I think of my mum I get angry. We are two totally different people. She talks a lot and moves on fast and I on the other hand get stuck in small things and like to do everything by myself in peace and quiet.

She says that she knows me and she does. She knows the inner me, but she doesn't understand what it is like to be me. She didn't go through all the horrible things I went through. She doesn't know how hard I fought in order to be here today. If I could let her inside of my head, even for a minute she would be scared to death. But if I let her stay for another minute she would understand why I get so angry with her. And after few minutes she would understand. But it just doesn't work that way, does it?