Chapter 1

Chapter One

I stared at the man who's smiling while having a conversation with his girl classmate. I saw his smiles were genuine when it's her that he's talking with. I know because that is not the way he looks at me when we talk. It was different when it's her. There's gentleness in his eyes whenever they talk.

I certainly don't want to look at them secretly but I just can't stop myself. I know that I am always the one who's a mistake. I just can't help but feel so insecure whenever I see him with someone pretty. I always told myself that he would never like me for who I am and this whole courtship was just a joke, that everything that he had said to me were all lies that I stupidly believe.

I immediately believe that he liked me just because I like him too. That's stupid but I did it because I like him so much,

"Hey, Asha Jane! We will now eat our lunch." I quickly straightened up and acted like a natural student who had just done the normal thing when I saw my friend, Thea, looking at me.

I gave her a smile and nodded. "What? You're looking at Makey again? Can we first eat before you start your flirting?" she sarcastically said that made me frown.

She always hates me being like this to a boy. She feels like it's out of character for a girl like me. Oh well, I am still the owner of my life so whatever I want to do, I honestly do not care because I am doing this secretly.

I motioned for her to shut up and thank god her mind is still not on the verge of failing me big time.

"We better go. I'm hungry! I bet the cafeteria's going to be crowded again so we better hurry up." I just nodded my head and followed her.

True to what she said, the cafeteria is indeed packed with students from different departments. And when I noticed that we won't be getting a table if we continue to stick around like this, I offered to look for the table. "Order us food and I will be the one to find us a table."

While pushing her to do that, she laughed while walking away. I was thankful that I saw a group of friends that were wearing a pre-baccalaureate marine uniform that I chose to go close to them but immediately stopped when I recognized the person who's sitting with them. It was too late for me to back down but it was not too late for me to pretend that I didn't know him.

"Hey, is this table on reserve?" I asked the guy who's done eating and was obviously just waiting for his friends to be finished because usually, students would just ask the people who were eating on the table to reserve it for them so it wouldn't be difficult for them to look for one again.

The guy that I asked looked at me and I suddenly felt breathless and the beating of my heart doubled up when I saw him looking at me intently. I fake coughed and that's when he shook his head and looked at his friends, "Do you have someone with you? Just sit here. I'll be the one to stand up." he said and then his friends immediately found malice on it and then teased him while I looked down so my face wouldn't be seen.

'Gosh, why am I blushing so hard?!' I mentally asked myself and I was obviously frantic about me blushing.

And this is why I hate eating here in the cafeteria because the possibility of us meeting with his friends is so high that I don't want it to happen but here it is. I feel so uncomfortable but I am trying so hard not to be rude to them and the heat wasn't helping at all. When I sense them leaving, that when I straighten up and sit properly.

After a few minutes, I saw Thea holding a tray with food on top of it. I stood up so I could help her with it. Then we started eating. We were so silent because we actually don't want to talk when we're eating. It wasn't weird for us both because we value and respect the food so much that we can't afford to waste a minute of talking while the food is in front of us.

She handed me the bottled water which I drank all of it after eating. When she finished drinking, she looked at me and grinned.

"I saw that one huh..." she started teasing me because of what she saw.

"Why are you both pretending to not know each other if Makey is literally courting you?" she asked me and I sighed.

"We just both had a deal to keep this courtship silent. We don't want issues lingering and we're still in the courting stage so it would be less damaging for us if we decided not to make this public." I explained to her.

"When are you gonna say 'yes' to him?" When she asked that, I was stunned for a second that I didn't gave her an answer.

I really don't know the answer to that question. I wasn't sure because these past few days, he became distant to me. I know it's not always rainbows and colorful days, but these past few days, he was straightly not accompanying me to go home. I know it wasn't a big deal for some but for me, it was. He made it clear and promised me that he'll be with me when I go home because he wants to make sure that I am safe while going home.

And the most obvious thing that he's distant to me is our secret dates. We haven't had our dates for a few days now and even if I am the one who's asking him if he wants to have a date with me, he would just decline and reasoned out that he's busy with school which I perfectly understand but I can't be buying that reason all the time I asked him to have a date with me right?

That's why it came to a point where I just stalked him because I can't keep myself from not getting anxious about our relationship. I just can't keep on asking myself questions like, "Did he grow tired with this kind of set-up? Is he tired of me? Did he grow tired of waiting for my answer, that's why he came to a decision to ditch me and discontinue his courting with me?" Those are the questions that keep on visiting in my mind these past few days.

I don't know. I really don't know at this point.

I smiled at Thea because I felt like she was staring at me for too long. "You know what, you're getting too long to answer that's why maybe he found someone else." she said and I know she only meant it as a joke but for me it became clear to me.

It made sense to me now. All his actions towards me made sense.

Right. Maybe in the process of courting me, he found someone more deserving for a love that he deserves. The thought may hurt me so much but maybe I wasn't really giving him that and there's a part of me that was happy because he finally would find someone who can love him genuinely without feeling embarrassed for some reasons. And I would happily let him go if that would mean he can smile genuinely now.

"Maybe, you're right Then. I'll just talk to him later." I said.

And Thea, being surprised by what I said, stood up. "Hell, Asha! Don't take what I said too seriously. I know, Makey. He wouldn't do that. He's not that kind of guy. You know that." and I know that she was trying to change my mind but my mind says otherwise.

I just nodded without saying a word. My mind made a decision now.

The bell rang indicating that it was time for us to go back to our respective classrooms and continue the class for the afternoon. We were both silent while going back to the classroom. I went to my seat when we reached our classroom without saying a word.

My mind was occupied with things that are obviously not related to what my teacher is discussing. My mind is just wandering elsewhere. It was on the verge of making decisions again of what I suppose to say later.

In between classes, I texted him.

To: Makey

Okay. We'll just see each other at the side of the pool if you don't want anyone to see us yet.

That is what he replied and I just sent him a very simple 'Ok.' because I reminded myself to stop thinking about these kinds of things and just listen attentively to the teacher. Yet even if I did that, I just couldn't keep myself sane. Every minute, the thought about me letting him go just keeps on running around my mind.