Thirty-Eight

Jaehyeon entered our bedroom and paused on seeing me sprawled on my bed and staring up at the ceiling. "What are you doing?"

"Thinking, Hyung." I had some serious thinking to do. I needed to figure out some way to get Changmin and I talking again.

"I see." He said and dropped something onto my bed before going over to his. "Your share for today."

I looked beside me to find around 10 letters on the bed. They were all people who had something to say. They had written it all out and sent it to me though. And here I was, their much beloved Idol, unable to even look at someone I knew I had no choice other than to talk to.

There, I paused and suddenly sat up. Among those few letters was an envelope that I recognised immediately. As if on reflex, I had made a grab for it and checked it. Where the 'to' and 'from' addresses were supposed to be, I found a single line written in a familiar hand.

'Please don't throw away. Read.'

My chest clenched. The very sight of the letter made me want to tear up.

"Oh? Is that the one from Yoo Changmin?" Jaehyeon asked when he noticed the envelope that I was staring at in a daze.

"H-How do you know?" I snapped my head towards him. Had Changmin given it to him in person? Had he said anything?

"You've left the previous one on your desk. I've been seeing it since the day it arrived. I'd be able to recognise at least the envelope." He shrugged. "But you're still writing each other love letters? Read this one aloud too." He sat at the edge of his bed and waited eagerly.

"No." I said, recoiling from how he had called it a love letter and telling myself that he had merely made a comment about it in passing. "I'm sorry but I can't read this one aloud, Hyung."

He frowned. "What happened?"

"Nothing… happened. I just can't read it to you." I said and brought my eyes back to the letter.

"Last time, he had sent you a letter because it was difficult to talk to each other and there had been a gap." He paused and looked at me seriously. "Are you two… not talking again or something?"

He was too perceptive for his own good. "No. It's nothing like that." I shook my head. "I'll just… read this by myself first." I sat straight and took out a single sheet of paper from within the envelope. I would have liked to leave the room and read without anyone watching me but if I had gotten up and left just then, Jaehyeon would have understood without a doubt that something had gone wrong. I had to read it right there. And even though he had stopped asking about it, I was aware of how he was keeping an eye on me.

Could I really read it like this?

I took as inconspicuous a breath as possible and began silently reading the letter.

'Jeongwoo-ya,'

I could hear Changmin's low and serious voice in how deliberately he had written each letter.

This was not going to end well.

'I know that you had said that you did not- no- that we could not talk about this. Sorry for talking about this anyway. You know it too though, don't you? We won't be able to move forward unless we talk about it.

Honestly, for the first time since I met you, I do not know what words to use. To start off, I'll just apologise for kissing you so suddenly. I couldn't hold myself back in that situation. I admit that that wasn't the best way to deal with how overwhelmed I was feeling but running away wasn't the best way to handle it either.

I know that you're scared. I am scared too. And you're probably feeling just as lost and helpless as I am feeling and that's understandable. We're Idols and something like this is absolutely forbidden (not to mention, we're both men). I guess I understand now why you wanted to keep our story to ourselves. It's difficult to stand before anyone feeling like this. But we can't do anything now about what did happen between us and that it has changed everything for us.

You know as well as I do what that dance and that kiss meant to the both of us.

I'm sorry for not being able to be the mature one here with a solution but that's just how pathetic I get when it comes to things about you. You had once said that I make you weak, right? The same applies to me as well.

You make me weak, Jeongwoo-ya. You make me want to work hard but you also make me want to run away. Especially off-late, not a day passes by peacefully if I don't get to hear from you.

I know that I've hurt you with how I let us grow apart and I have hated every bit of that period too. Everything was new to me and I was still finding my way around. I'm sure you'll understand that feeling. I'm not trying to make excuses but before I realised it, four years had passed up by and now, I can't even think about how we were okay with how we were during that period of time. The past two weeks have been painful for me. And I daresay I know that it's been the same for you.

I do not want to see you make that face you made when we met in the hallway two days ago again. And I definitely do not want to be the reason for it. We can't do anything about it unless you let me talk to you though. I saw no other option than to write you a letter again and I can only hope that you may read this before throwing it in the trash.

Jeongwoo-ya, why are we doing this to ourselves?

If this is punishment for "all those times that I did not notice your eyes on me", I've had just about enough. I can't do this on my own. I need you to talk to me. I need you to listen. I need you to just, please, stop running away. I am sorry for scaring you but how much more do you want me to chase after you?

Ya… Let's work this out together. I cannot carry on with your silence. If not for yourself, do this for me. Even if just as a letter in response to this one, tell me what you want me to do. Because right now, even though you keep avoiding me, it doesn't feel like you want me to stop being by your side. Tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me if you really want me to stop.

I'll tell you this much though- I don't want to lose you. I don't want to just let go because we're scared.

I really love you a lot.

Please, give us a chance to figure this out.

-Your Hyung'

I couldn't take my eyes off the last few lines. I couldn't stop myself from re-reading them. I was trying to test their validity, I guess. I knew nothing was going to change no matter how many times I read it and yet, I wanted to prove it to myself.

'I really love you a lot.'

'Your Hyung.'

My Hyung.

My… beloved Hyung.

"Jeongwoo, are you okay?" Jaehyeon kept his set of letters aside and asked in a gentle voice that reflected his concern.

I couldn't even tell what kind of face I was making anymore. It must have been really troublesome to have made Jaehyeon react like that.

"Ah." I cleared my throat and moved to get off the bed, clutching the letter as tightly as I was trying to hold my tears back.

"Where are you going?" Jaehyeon too got up.

"The bathroom." I replied. It was a hasty escape and Jaehyeon had realised that. That was why he had gotten to me before I could even reach our attached bathroom and grabbed a hold of my hand with the letter.

"You're going to the bathroom with the letter? Don't try to get around me. What did that bastard say?" He hissed at me. He was clearly angry.

"Nothing, Hyung. L-Let go." I tried to pull my hand back but he gripped harder.

"You don't look like it's nothing. I've hardly seen you talking to Changmin Sunbae over the phone or going to meet him like you used to. He hasn't dropped by either. It was obvious that something had happened and now this? What did he do?"

"We… fought, okay? Sort of… Just- If you know that something happened then leave it at that, Hyung! Back off!" I snapped. I had only wanted to quietly get away and you just HAD to stop and question me, didn't you? "There are things that I can't tell even you!"

He was stunned speechless by my misplaced outburst. I regretted saying it the instant I realised what I had said but I couldn't bring myself to apologise. I had only wanted to get away. But where could I possibly go in a house shared by people when I myself had an overly concerned roommate?

I pulled my hand away from him and turned to leave the room. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go but outside. I wouldn't be able to leave the building but I could at least go up to the roof.

It really had been a bad idea to read the letter with Jaehyeon in the room.

Before I could take even two steps away from him though, Jaehyeon had pretty much wrestled me back onto my bed, pinning me down by my shoulders. I thrashed out as much as I could. "Agh! Hyung, let me go!"

"Where will you go?" He asked, calmer this time. "There's nowhere else to go."

Even though he was holding me down forcefully, the way that his voice had suddenly gone low- more cold than kind- made me swallow further protests. He had already been angry. With what I had said, I had gone and upset him too.

That was the breaking point for me.

"I'm s-sorry…" I clutched the letter and began crying. "Hyung… I'm sorry…" Changmin too. I'm really sorry.

Jaehyeon looked away from me and let go when he saw that I had stopped fighting. "Don't tell me if you really don't want to but stay here." He sat on my bed with his back to me and I curled up into a ball away from him almost immediately, still clutching the letter. All these days' worth of pent up emotions were pouring out in uncontrollable sobs.

"I'm sorry…"

Jaehyeon got up and shut our room's door before coming back to sit on my bed. He did not speak again though. He just sat there quietly. Knowing him, he might have already murdered Changmin a thousand times over in his head. Changmin wasn't the bad guy here though. If anyone was the bad guy, it was me.

I had never cried like this in front of Jaehyeon so it was probably a big shock as it was. Over and above that, I had gone and snapped at him. He had probably gone so quiet because he had realised that this was no normal case into which he could not poke his nose like he usually would have. There had never been anything I had not told him. He was bound to be worried- worried enough to stay by my side silently even when I had shouted at him to back off.

It took me a considerable amount of time to compose myself. By then, however, I felt like a complete mess. My face felt swollen and my head was throbbing really bad. I had not cried like that in a really long time.

"Jeongwoo." Jaehyeon called after a while of complete silence. When I did not respond, he looked over his shoulder and saw me just staring at the table next to my bed. "Ya. How long are you going to hold on to that letter?"

As long as I don't make up my mind.

"Fine." He sighed when I still did not respond. "But tell me one thing- do I need to hate Changmin Sunbae?"

Hate? I shook my head. Don't hate him.

"Alright. If he makes you cry like that again though, I'll talk to him even if you tell me to back off."

It won't ever happen again. This time was just a little unprecedented. I will be more careful from now on.

"I'll go fetch you some water." Jaehyeon pat my back lightly. "Will you be alright?"

I nodded, then spoke up, cringing at how hoarse my voice sounded. "Hyung."

"Yes?"

"I'm really sorry for snapping at you earlier."

He smiled wryly. "Don't apologise. But I really had thought that you'd taken me into your confidence to tell me just about anything. I can still listen to you. If you can't tell the others, I'll keep quiet. And about Changmin Sunbae… there's really nothing more shocking than the fact that you both aren't sticking to each other."

Really? "I like Changmin Hyung." That statement of his about my taking him into confidence was what made me realise it. It wasn't that I could not tell him about it because he would misunderstand me or judge me or reprimand me or because I thought that he would tell others. I had not wanted to say anything because of the same reason Changmin and I could not talk about it- if I spoke about it, I would have to admit it.

"We all know that." He nodded, unsure of what I was saying.

"No, Hyung. I…" I took a deep breath. "I actually like Changmin Hyung."

"What?" He did a double-take. "Actually like… As in, the romantic kind of…?"

I nodded. I really did like him and he knew it too. I had kissed him back, after all.

"Wait, Jeongwoo." He turned to me fully. "You're gay?"

"Well... I do like him that way so... And I haven't felt so strongly during our trainee days or… the first few years after debut… It's just- We've gotten really close now and…"

"Okay." He was having a hard time wrapping his head around this revelation. "Uh, so… you confessed? And the letter was a rejection?"

"No. He, um, kissed me." I said in a small voice.

"What?!" Now he looked absolutely dumbfounded.

"And I ran away." I was just stating the facts at this point.

"Wait. Wait. When was all this?" He frowned.

"Two weeks ago. On the last day of work for 'For Old Times' Sake'." I replied, then slowly looked at Jaehyeon when I heard nothing more from him. I found him frowning at the foot of the bed. "Hyung?"

"You're telling me all this now? And you haven't talked to each other since then. How did we not notice something like that? I had thought that something was wrong but that was only in the past two or three days."

The chance meeting with him in the hallway had really shaken me up. "I'm sorry."

He looked at me as if in thought. "I have to admit- I am a little disappointed."

Disappointed?

"Two things. One- you didn't find it necessary to say something so important to me. In fact, you should tell the others too but I won't push you. Two- regardless of what kind of feelings we harbour for each other, I feel like I lost to Changmin Sunbae…"

"What?" I let out a small chuckle.

"Ah. That. You know." He poked my side. "I had told you not to cheat on me." He pouted.

"Hyung, I'm being serious here." THAT was his problem? "And could you not have just said 'disappointed' like that? I almost started crying again." I pressed two fingers to my eyes in relief. I had panicked when he had said 'disappointed'.

"Sorry." He chuckled and reached over to ruffle my hair up with a smile. "I'm glad you told me now."

I'm glad you were here.

I couldn't bring myself to say that out loud though. So, I just smiled.

"But what was the letter about?"

"Ah… I hadn't talked to him and…" I sniffed and looked at the letter that I had pretty much crumpled into a ball.

"So, it really was a love letter?" He rolled his eyes.

It was, wasn't it?

"And? What are you going to do now?"

I pushed myself to sit up. "I have to… talk to Changmin Hyung. But… Hyung." I looked at Jaehyeon a little helplessly. "This doesn't look like it's going to be easy, does it?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Jeongwoo, but this is going to be difficult. Not only are you both guys, you're both up-and-coming Idols. You're not going to get support and it's not going to be easy to meet up or anything. Your collaboration is over too. Before that, you used to hardly meet for more than a few minutes. Our occupational commitments, requirements and our contracts… This could end up becoming the scandal of the century if word got out. Not to mention, our culture is not too welcoming of such relationships."

I looked down. All that was exactly why I was having a hard time admitting it.

"What did Changmin Sunbae say?"

"He's written that we'll work it out. I need to talk to him first."

"He knows then?"

"He knows."

"Ah. This…" He scratched his head. "I'm not sure what to tell you."

"It's okay, Hyung." I rubbed my eyes. "We'll… do something about this."

"Mm. Just so you know, you can always talk to me."

I smiled at him and moved closer to nudge a shoulder against him. "Thank you, Hyung."

"One more thing. I won't stop flirting with you on camera." He placed a hand on my head. "And if Changmin Sunbae wants me to keep a distance from you in any way, I will fight him."

I laughed a little. If he was trying to cheer me up, it was working. "I'm pretty sure he knows."

"Okay. I won't confront him this time then." He patted my head and stood up, then furrowed his brows. "God, you look miserable!"

"You should have just let me go into the bathroom." I looked away. I FELT miserable.

"It's past 07:00 pm anyway. I'll get us something to eat. You should probably freshen up a bit, eat and sleep early. We might not get another early day soon."

I nodded. "I'll shower and come."

"Okay." He stood there looking at me for a moment and then left the room. I sat on my bed for a while longer, then put the letter back into its envelope without messing it up any further and put it away with the previous letter in my wardrobe. I decided to read the other fan mail before going to sleep because I knew they would make me feel at least a little better.

Having talked about it and having admitted it did make me feel lighter but I still couldn't shake off the fear. Changmin had said that we would figure it out but I really couldn't think of what we were supposed to do.