Thirty-Nine

Baekjae Sunbae had replied almost as soon as I had texted him asking about where they were.

'Practice room. We'll be breaking for lunch in 5 minutes.'

About three minutes after I received the message, I excused myself from the meeting room and headed for the practice room where 04:00 am were. S.T.A.Y had finished our team meeting half an hour ago and we were just discussing among ourselves anyway. It was okay to excuse myself for a bit.

The closer that I got to the practice room though, the faster my heart seemed to beat. I was not having second thoughts but I was really not sure about what I was going to say to him.

I paused for a moment outside the practice room to catch myself before pushing open the door and stepping in.

They were all in their tracks, clearly having just finished a round of practice. It looked like they were still cooling down.

"Oh. You came." Baekjae Sunbae was the first to react. Other than his smile, I had not received the usual cheerful greeting. Instead, the others just looked at Changmin who was frozen mid-stretch, one arm outstretched above his head.

"Yup. Thanks." I responded to Baekjae Sunbae before looking at Changmin. "Hyung."

Oh God. This was more nerve-wracking than I had thought it would be. I thought that I had prepared myself too.

Changmin slowly lowered his hand but did not say anything. He was definitely surprised to see me there. Once the fact that I had actually show up sank in, he looked at Hyeonwoo Sunbae.

"Go." Hyeonwoo Sunbae nodded and continued stretching.

Changmin nodded and came over without further ado. Giving him way to step out, I bowed to the rest of them before shutting the door and facing Changmin.

"Jeongwoo-"

"Not here." I shook my head and motioned for him to follow me down the hall. I had noticed that one of the studios was empty on my way to the practice room. We could talk there.

Changmin followed me into the empty studio just a few doors down. Once I had shut the door, I turned to him.

Um… How do I start?

"I, uh… got your letter." I averted my eyes and leaned against the closed door.

"Do you have a soft corner for letters or something? They seem to be the easiest way to reach you- sometimes the only way." He slowly smiled.

"They're… hard to ignore."

"I see." He shifted on his feet, holding his hands behind his back.

"Yeah." This is awkward. "And… I'm sorry for just running away like that and… not responding till now. A-Also Jaehyeon Hyung knows."

He raised an eyebrow at that. "YoonJae?"

I nodded. "He's my roommate. I couldn't hide it from him."

"It's… fine. Baekjae knows too."

"What?" I finally looked at him properly again. "Did he know when I met him… at the premier?"

"No. It was after." He shook his head. "He pretty much confronted me after meeting you. He was convinced that it was my fault, whatever it was. I ended up telling him and then he just called me an idiot and walked away."

Baekjae Sunbae actually did that? He was concerned enough about me that he actually went and questioned Changmin?

"I want to apologise too." Changmin said, his voice a little lower now in seriousness. "For a lot of things, including the kiss."

Hearing that brought back vivid memories and with it the stinging pang of helplessness.

"You… should apologise for a lot of things but…" I looked away, a little embarrassed. "… don't apologise for the kiss. That makes it sound like a mistake. I was responsible for that too. While dancing, I didn't hold back."

"That you did not." He raised his eyebrows. "I had a hard time."

Uh… "I'm sorry…" I flinched inwardly. "Anyway, I won't deny my feelings. I don't know when I started feeling like this but… whatever this seemed like made perfect sense to me in that moment when you kissed me. Back then, when I realised what was happening, I panicked and… ran off. And now, just because I'm talking to you, it does not mean that I am any less scared for us."

"I know." He nodded. "In our situation, it is scary. It's not going to be easy." He paused and looked at me. "You… won't deny your feelings?"

"I wrote you an almost-love song, Hyung." I pointed out.

"You did, didn't you?" He chuckled, then sighed and placed his hands on his hips. "Can I take that as your answer?"

"To your feelings? Yes. But I still don't know what to do about all this." I had been a nervous wreck on my way to this studio with Changmin. In fact, I had been so nervous since I woke up today and decided to do this. Talking to him like I was just then though, I wasn't feeling as worked up anymore. That's when I truly felt that, albeit all that happened, he was still my same old beloved Hyung. "We can't just admit to all this and go back to how we used to be, can we?"

"In all honesty, we could if we tried. But I do not want to do that. I… kissed you once and liked it enough to want to kiss you again."

I clammed up. How could he say something like that so easily?!

He chuckled when I got flustered and looked away. "What? I thought we were having a mature conversation here as two people who love each other."

"That… wasn't a very mature thing to say though…" He was right. We were two adults who loved each other.

"It wasn't?" He raised an eyebrow in obvious amusement.

I decided not to comment on that. "So… you're saying that we should go forward with this. You want me to date you." I clarified.

"Jeongwoo-ya, you do realise that we are already pretty much dating, right?"

Considering how we were before, how genuinely intimate our last dance had been, how we had kissed, the kind of things we had told each other before, how we'd written love letters and songs and were now having a not-so-secret rendezvous behind closed doors, he did have a point. "But we can't just… I mean, if anyone finds out, it could be the end of the road for us."

"We aren't going to announce anything. You don't need to tell S.T.A.Y if it makes you feel safer and I won't tell 04:00 am either. Your… YoonJae and Baekjae… We'll just have to deal with that." He looked away briefly. "It's annoying how you managed to win even Baekjae over though. How was I the one at fault? Why was I getting told off? He hadn't even known anything." He clicked his tongue.

He was probably just trying to lighten the mood with that display but the undertone of actual annoyance in his voice was unmissable and it made me happy. That happiness came with a less pleasant feeling though and I cast my eyes down immediately after. "Hyung-ah… I'm a little scared."

He looked at me and knit his brows together in contemplation before stepping up and pulling me away from the wall into a hug, placing a big protective palm and cheek on my head. "I know. I'm scared too. I 'm sorry I can't do much about that."

Ah. I had missed this feeling.

I hugged him back. "It's not entirely on you, you know? I am going to do my best too."

"Ah." He dropped a kiss atop my head. "Still… I just wish I could do more."

I could understand that sentiment.

I pulled away and looked up at him. "It's going to be difficult to meet up like this. We're planning to travel a bit for our new album too."

"You are?" He made a sad face. "I'll get lonely."

"You'll be fine." I wrapped my arms around his neck. "If we could get through the past two weeks, we can get through anything else."

"You had better call me every day."

"Okay."

He nodded, satisfied with that. "But, right now… Jeongwoo, may I kiss you?"

I smiled. It would seem as though my having run away had affected him enough to make him ask me this time. Things were different between us now though.

I did not say anything as a response. My reply, instead, was a kiss on his lips. He tensed up at first but then leaned into it and deepened it. He smiled when we broke off after three to four kisses.

"I could get used to this."

I could too. "That's all for today though." I let go. "Both of us need to get back to our groups."

He didn't let go though. Instead, he leaned in and rested his forehead on my shoulder. "I don't like that…"

"It can't be helped." I patted his head.

"Ugh. And what am I going to tell Baekjae when he asks? He's not going to get off my case easily…" He whined.

"It's Baekjae Sunbae. How bad can it get?"

"You have no idea." He finally tore himself away from me. I felt the emptiness almost immediately. "Shall we go then?"

I begrudgingly nodded. "Let's go."

We parted ways soon after leaving the studio. Altogether, we might have spent about five minutes in that room and that had barely been enough but it had effectively changed everything for us. While I was feeling all happy and "mushy", as Yeojun would term it, when walking back to where S.T.A.Y would be, I was also feeling anxious.

We had something huge to hide. Not much would really change in how we behaved with each other in front of others but our simple every-time actions like even a hug would have an entirely different meaning to us now. Even just then, a few minutes ago, in the way that we had hugged in the studio- along with the familiar sense of comfort that enveloped me, there came a sense of burden. It was akin to locking something important away in a chest and then carrying that chest around instead of setting it down, lest someone happen across it by mistake.

Thinking back on how our conversation had gone and what we had become, it was the best-case scenario that we could have afforded. There were moments when my fears seemed a little unjustified but then again, there were also moments when my fears made me look around at S.T.A.Y and wonder what would change if anyone else came to know about it.