Fifty-Five

I prepared myself mentally and physically. Planting both my feet firmly on the ground after getting into position, just as the bridge ended and Jaehyeon sang the two lines leading into it, I clutched my shirt over my chest and squeezed my eyes shut, steadily and perfectly hitting the high note. Once I had gotten through that, I felt the energy and power from the flawless delivery infuse into my legs and arms. The chorus and dance that followed were strong and yet smooth and soothing. The performance, overall, felt very stable.

Then the beat dropped and everything went silent. The five of us onstage had frozen exactly where we were for a fleeting a moment, then Mingyu walked towards the audience while Yeojun and Jaehyeon on his right and Hanseol and I on his left stepped towards each other. Mingyu sang his part in a low but audible emotion-soaked voice. "We'll fill our sandcastle with the hope we had buried. I'll reveal the me that had had you so worried."

A spin and a side-step later, I had come to face Jaehyeon while Yeojun and Hanseol had stepped away. Mingyu sang the last two lines after that. "Let's climb to our feet and take a grand bow. Ah… No one can stop us now."

The lights went off and following a moment of silence, the entire stadium erupted in cheers and screams. This was our first live stage after All Hands on Deck was released. It was also being live broadcast. And we had just finished our routine for Sandbox, the title track, successfully.

Jaehyeon caught my arm and pulled me into a hug, patting my back strongly. That was his way of saying 'We did it'. I nodded and returned his act.

We had done it.

"Our True!" Hanseol called out into the mic, causing the screaming to intensify.

As the lights came on again, we took our positions beside each other and faced the sea of fans before us.

"Have you been well?" Hanseol spoke again. Their continued screaming was testimony of the fact that they were doing well.

"Really… We've missed you." I said, then repeated louder. "We've missed you so much!"

Rooftop Conversations had been released just as planned. 'All Hands on Deck: Beach Adventures' had also begun airing immediately after the album itself had been dropped. We had given them a lot this time with our comeback and they had gotten busy with it. We had been worried because we had approached this album differently compared to our previous ones but the response had been so overwhelmingly positive that we were also surprised. It was even more encouraging to see the kind of international support that we were getting.

It was good enough to allow us to have our first live alongside up-and-coming bands at such a huge live event. What was an actual mark of our progress, however, was the fact that we were no longer the opening or closing performance.

We were the main performance.

"Jeongwoo-ssi." Manager Park found me and handed me my phone as soon as I was done changing after the performance and onstage interactions. "You had had a phone call."

"Oh, thank you." I accepted it and checked. As I had expected, it was from Changmin. They should have just finished their photoshoot too.

I looked around. Mingyu was just about done changing, I couldn't find Hanseol. He had probably gone to use the washroom. Yeojun was still in his costume, talking about some adjustments to the costume team and Jaehyeon was in the process of changing, shirtless and looking around for the T-shirt that he had left on the chair. Unsurprised by his occasional absent-mindedness, I called out. "Hyung, behind you."

"Ah." He found his T-shirt and threw me a finger-heart. "Thanks."

It looked like I had some time.

The call from Changmin was just about ten minutes ago. Hopefully, I would be able to reach him if I return his call now. We'd been missing each other a lot like this ever since All Hands on Deck was released.

Changmin answered the call after it rang for a little while, just before I was going to hang up.

"Jeongwoo!"

"Hyung!" I felt my spirits lift instantly. "Ah! Finally!"

"Yes." He chuckled. "But I've just about five minutes left."

"Mm. I understand. Me too, actually." I nodded. "Where are you now?"

"Waiting at our venue. We'll go for a small sight-seeing travelogue shoot trip after lunch. Apparently, the evening sights here are very popular."

How far apart were we that I was going to go have dinner but you were still stuck at lunch?

"I see. Send me pictures." I really missed him.

"Sure. Before that though… All Hands on Deck."

I smiled. "Got through it fully?"

"Of course. I've been trying to talk to you about it for a few days now. I don't want to just text."

"Okay. Tell me. What do you think?" I waited expectantly.

"My first thought was… 'Ah. My boyfriend is so cool.'"

I laughed. "Why?"

"The look suits you. And your voice… You're a main vocalist for a reason but, damn, do you sing well! And your facial expressions throughout…" He lowered his voice. "I could send you the screenshots that I have."

"You took screenshots?" And you can tell me that so openly? I was always too embarrassed to admit it. "Forget me for now. We'll talk about that later. What did you think about the songs?"

"They were different. Especially your title track. Um, how do I say this? Up till Blue Ink, all your songs had a particular flavour that made the listeners immediately understand that they were listening to your songs. You B-side tracks like Byeoljari, Faded and Kieokhae are still very much like that but Sandbox and Edge of the Shoreline… Different. Really different. In a good way."

It sounded like he liked them. "We were trying out something new, yes. We were worried about the reception though."

"It's gone well, hasn't it? Your album sales are better than they were for Blue Ink."

"Pre-order, yes. It's still too early to tell about the rest."

"Still. You got a few wins too. The songs are doing well on so many charts."

"Mm." That was true. Things did look good for us in general. "But, Hyung."

"What is it?"

"Earlier, I could have at least watched your lives when you were on tour. Now, it's so difficult to find time for even that." I complained. "I miss you."

"I'm in no better a situation." He said. "I'm just glad I got to hear your voice like this at least now."

"When next?"

"I wish I had an answer to that. Let's just keep trying each other like this when we can. It's the most that we can do."

"With all this travel now, Hyung, I couldn't help but think this- I want to go somewhere with you." I leaned against a dresser. "And this is a rather specific wish. I want to go somewhere where we can take a yacht out to sea. Wine and meat. Preferably just the two of us. I wouldn't mind having 04:00 am and S.T.A.Y with us either."

"I would mind." He said curtly. "We'd get interrupted like last time."

Hyeonwoo Sunbae… "Does he suspect anything?"

"No. We're close enough to visit each other anyway. Plus… even if he did suspect anything, he's not the kind to butt into anyone's personal life unless you want to take it up with him or it starts to affect you too much."

"That's good, I guess." I sighed. "That was too close a call for comfort. I had forgiven you for it only because there was no time to get angry about it."

"Really? That was why?" I could hear him pouting. "I should probably have held on if I was going to be forgiven anyway."

"Don't push it." I couldn't deny that I was curious to know how far he was willing to go that night in the living room. "How do you think Hyeonwoo Sunbae would have reacted had he found out?"

"Our relationship?" He let out a nervous laugh. "He's usually uncaring enough to not notice unless it was too obvious, or he pretends to be, but… if he found out then…"

It wouldn't go well?

"Let's just say that he has a lot more to worry about than my personal happiness although he might most probably want to give that priority." He settled for responding like that. That meant that it really wouldn't go well.

I glanced at Mingyu and then Hanseol who had just returned. "Mm. I mean, other than Jaehyeon Hyung here, I don't really know…" I then looked at Yeojun. He was now joking around with one of the staff members. For how caring and understanding he seemed, his experience with hate and criticism had made him cautious. "Even Jaehyeon Hyung accepted this only because he's got a soft corner for me. He'd go along with anything I had to say. It feels like that, at least." I glanced at Jaehyeon. Incidentally, he happened to look my way too and our eyes met. I smiled. His eyes then flashed to my phone and then back to my face. Soundlessly, he asked, 'Sunbae?' I nodded. "He always seems to be looking out for me in his own way."

Silence.

"Hyung?"

"Ah. That…" He clicked his tongue. "Never mind. It is true that he looks out for you."

"You owe him too, you know?" I chuckled on realising that he had probably gotten jealous of how I was talking about Jaehyeon. He had his cute sides too. "He's the reason I faced my feelings."

"Huh?"

"The letter."

"… Did he read it?" His voice suddenly got quieter.

"No. He was in the room when I read it and, well, I failed at keeping my emotions in check." We were already dating. As embarrassing as it was, it was okay to tell him about it, right?

There was another spell of silence before he spoke again. "Did it make you cry?"

It was simply tactless of him to ask that now. "I don't know. You can think what you want."

"So, you cried."

Like a baby. It was ugly crying that made even Jaehyeon hesitate in comforting me. "No more letters, okay?"

"Why? I want to write you one even right now."

"Please stop, Hyung. Just… talk to me straight up. No more letters. I'm not running away anymore either. Between us, letters are a sign of not getting each other. I don't like that."

He sighed. "If that's what my Jeongwoo-ya wants, your Hyung will oblige."

Dramatic much?

Before I could say anything to that, he spoke again. "Sorry, Jeongwoo. I have to go now."

Ah. Really?

My chest felt tight. We had begun this conversation knowing that it would be short and yet… "Okay. I… I'll talk to you some other time. Fighting."

"Jeongwoo."

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I felt my face heat up. After all this time and all that's already happened, this was the first time that I was hearing this directly from him. It made me feel this boyish sense of joy and embarrassment that made me stumble for words. "J-Just pretend that… I said it in return too. They- There are people here so- Um." Breathe. Okay. "Don't just spring that on me out of nowhere…" I let my voice trail off towards the end.

"I wish I could have seen your face just now."

"No need…"

"Fine. I really have to go now so I'll let you off for now."

"Mm."

"Bye~" He sang as if trying to make the call last just for even the extra second that that bought us and then hung up.

I sighed and stared at the phone after that. It had only been a few weeks since he left and I was already feeling like this. We still had a long way to go.

I don't like this, Hyung-ah.

"You finally got to talk to him, huh?" Jaehyeon said and walked over to me, coming to lean on the dresser next to the one I was leaning on.

"If… that could be considered talking." I responded bitterly.

"Clearly, you're not satisfied." He rolled his eyes. "Greedy, aren't you?"

I was allowed to be, wasn't I?

"Never mind that. I'm hungry." I looked around and tapped my phone against my palm. The others were also almost ready to leave. "I want hamburger."

"Hah? Why?" He laughed.

"Just because."

As we were talking, a cameraman approached us and motioned that the camera was rolling. He was probably trying to get some behind the scenes content.

"Hey." I waved at the camera and Jaehyeon showed a V-sign before speaking.

"We just finished our first live performance of Sandbox and All Hands on Deck. We're really grateful to True for helping us get this far."

"That's right. You're the reason we're able to do this. Today was for you and for us. We love you." I made finger-hearts and then turned to Jaehyeon on realising that the cameraman was not going to go away anytime soon. "It always seems to get over too fast though."

"Time just rushes by when we're on stage. Among True and everyone out there, we really don't feel the exhaustion. But now…" He winked at me. "Jeongwoo was just telling me that he was hungry."

… What a genius. "Ah. Yes." I chuckled helplessly at the guy's attempt to throw it back at me. I had the upper hand here though. When it came to things like this, True were on my side. "Hyung, you'll treat me, right~"

"Oh? You're taking advantage of my kindness?"

"You said so yourself- I put up with you." I shrugged. "I deserve this."

"I treat you well enough already. Any more than this and I'll be spoiling you." He laughed.

"My Hyungs!" A cry went up before Yeojun pounced on me. I staggered a bit to my right on the impact and bumped into Jaehyeon. He immediately steadied me though.

"Maybe we're tired and hungry because we're old, Jeongwoo-ya. This one's still springing around."

"I don't think the adrenaline's died down yet." Yeojun beamed. "I'm ready for one more round."

I rolled my eyes. "This is why he works out in his free time and we just laze in bed."

"But you make up for it with your dance practice. You've nothing to worry about." Jaehyeon patted my shoulder and left his hand there.

"Oh? What's happening here?" Mingyu joined us, waving at the camera. "Doing this without me?" He came to stand before us, bending at his knee so that he wasn't covering the rest of us. "Thank you for the wonderful experience today, True!"

"Ah. Hanseol-ah!" I waved him over when he looked our way. "Come here. Fast."

"Everyone's here." He jogged over and crashed into Jaehyeon, smiling at the camera coolly. "I'm also here."

The five of us were compactly packed to get into the screen. Being at the centre made me feel happy and proud, as any sense of loneliness that had set in from the call earlier with Changmin got filled by these four sticking to me.

Feeling a little emotional in the moment, I threw my arms over Jaehyeon on my right and Yeojun on my left, pulling them in to rub my head against theirs. "I'm so happy and thankful for all of you!"

"Oh? What? Jeongwoo's feeling moved." Hanseol looked at me just as the others did.

"Cute." Jaehyeon commented.

"Our Mom's happy." Yeojun told the camera and motioned to me with both hands.

"Mom?" I looked at him in embarrassment. I was just genuinely expressing how I felt. There was no need to tease me for that.

When I turned my face towards Yeojun though, Jaehyeon pecked my cheek.

Immediately bringing my eyes back to him, I pressed a hand to me cheek. "Ah, Hyung! Why'd you do that?!"

"Me too!" Yeojun jumped on me, finding my other cheek.

"Then, me too." Mingyu too turned on me even as the other two returned for another kiss each.

"Ah! No!" I covered my cheeks with both hands and got as far away from them as Jaehyeon's arms around me would allow. "K-Soul-ah! Help me!"

"I'm not involved in this." Hanseol laughed it off and looked back at the camera as I continued to struggle and shout for help "Till here then. Always yours. We're S.T.A.Y."

The cameraman stopped rolling after that. By the time the other three let go of me, I was sitting on the dresser, my clothes and hair a complete mess from all that struggling. I hadn't really hated the shower of affection but… I just got my outfit and hair fixed… You three- Unbelievable!

They had already put some distance between us because they had known that I would not have let them off easily had they been within arm's reach.

"It's okay. Look here." Hanseol came over and fixed my hair for me.

"Thanks." I thanked him but continued throwing dirty glares at the other three, especially Jaehyeon. "You started this."

"I was only expressing my love." He shrugged. "My love for you~"

"Silence." I hissed back and got off the dresser, attending to my clothes. "Ah. Seriously…" There, I paused, perked up and smiled. "You love me, right? Then my next meal's on you."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "You have enough money to feed yourself."

In the end, Jaehyeon gave in. He had only so much tolerance in the face of his beloved Dongsaengs. Even though we were earning enough to pass our days comfortably, a free meal was always welcome.