2 THE FIRST EMOTION THAT
BELONGS TO YOU!
{Song Jun's point of view}
I don't know why, but it was the first time I saw those emotions in his eyes very clearly. I must say he is very good at hiding his emotions.
If he will be an actor one day, he is going to win the heart of so many people in this whole world! He never ever showed those emotions to me openly like this day, after we confronted love and lovemaking, which he denied like it never happened! The things started without our realization, but with love and respect for each other.
I knew from the start that he loved me from the core of his heart, but he never ever voiced them to me even after our lovemaking and my constant approach but this time I saw it.
That I am more than just a friend for him.
That I am more than his small brother (his didi) for him.
More than a responsibility for him.
More than anything, More than other people in this world.
It was more than love, Ai, in my mother tongue because that feels so close to my heart.
Ai, Yes Ai, The love for which I was longing since the day I open my eyes I guess.
My mother used to tell me this story since I was small. When I opened my eyes for the first time in the world of emotions and feelings I cried like anything.
That was the first emotion one should feel. The very first emotion FEAR and in my case, I guess it was attached to me like my shadow! I cried for more than 2 hours not stopping at any cost.
It was like anytime soon, I will go back into the world from where I came. I didn't belong in this world but before I went back to the world where I came from, I met him who belonged to me. I found him in this new world!
My soulmate, my Xian ge!
Where my soul was bound to his soul for eternity.
something happened that time, that held me from going away from the world of the living.
Something happened that held me in this world of chaos and hate, into the world of meeting and parting, longing and belonging, into the world where we were supposed to stay.
That time my Xian ge happened.
Mother told me that looking at my miserable state, doctors decided to give me sedatives in a very small amount to control my cries and then treat me but before they could inject the needle in my vein small warm hands held me tightly in his small embrace. Not allowing doctors to hurt me by that needle.
His small round eyes also started to cry with me, looking at my painful cry. His cry was so terrible that everybody closed their ears with their hands.
His mother, my aye, came forward who was a best friend of my mother since they were small to take me out from his embrace. Watching her coming to him, he held me into his embrace more tightly but his mother threatened him to hand over me to the doctor.
But the adamant soul he was, kept doing his work! He was still crying loudly. His mother was scolding him literally screaming. All the nurses and doctor were making different offers to him to leave me.
Everything was in chaos but the one person who was still in her patience was my mother, who realized that I stopped crying in my Xian ge arms.
She has always been patient about me since the beginning. I just hope that she will be okay after this day ends. I just pray for her, to be strong enough to face her son's departure, just like she once saw someone, she treasured the most.
That time she shouted at everyone to shut up. Hurriedly she moved close to me and my Xian ge. She cupped his crying face in her hand and said in her lovely and sweet voice,
"Xian Xian, Stop crying see your didi stopped crying and he is looking at his Xian age. If you will cry like a small baby, then he will also cry again and then the doctor will definitely inject him"
His mouth stopped making sound but his sobs could be heard by everyone in the room. His eyes were still running water like a river but not like before they were happy! A happy and playful river.
"He stopped crying...my didi stopped crying...mama* can you see he is looking at me right?? Aye* look he is looking at me... Mama! See he is so beautiful like an angel...Mama, can you see his eyes? He is looking at me, only me!!!"
"Yes son, he stopped crying and looking at you and you know why because he understood that he is in safe hands now because his Xian ge loves him so much.
He knows very well that his Xian ge will never let anything bad happen to his didi! Will you protect and love him for whole life right, Xian Xian?"
My mother asked him a question and he answers her in his sweet baby voice looking at me determining
"Yes, I will love him and protect him till the end of my life, forever!!!"
The six year old big brother and a best friend promised his didi that he will love and protect him for whole life, forever!
What an irony he was still holding me in his embrace and trying to stop my bleeding with his hands when the reason behind all this was him. No, I am not blaming him, but the reason for our misery was the same unconditional love we had for each other, that took almost everyone's life in danger.
He was constantly saying that he will not do anything wrong now.To his Judi that he will not let anything happen to me, when he was also there with me, bleeding like me. Though his injuries were minor, still they threatened me to the core!
Drenched in his own blood that old man was holding his love in his embrace, trying to convince him that nothing bad will happen to him. When he was also having a bullet in his body.
"Xia...Xian ge...I... I don't want to live an..anymore. This world..wi..will never..let me be with you. I... I don't want to live s.. single sec... second but once for on...once tell me...wh...what you..fe..feel for me truly... I am ready to die Xian ge...I am happy...t...to die...in my Xian ge's arms...."
"No no you are not dying and I am not going to tell yo...you what... I fe..feel about you...If you...w...want to know t...then d...don't die. L...live then I...w...will...tell you...then..."
"Xian ge...It...it is not... possible...pl... please on...once say those words... I will be at peace..."
"Judi... I am not going to say it now...You live then I will tell you...."
He was so damn stubborn. So stubborn that when I was dying, he still didn't want to say it but this time I will not listen to him because I know that last bullet hit in my chest, maybe in my heart. It got difficult to breathe properly. I don't have time. I can't wait for him anymore, I can't.
As I gathered my last laboured breaths I told him in a .firm voice a big lie of my life,
"Xian ge I will live...I...if you will tell m..me what ...you f..feel for me...The truth...only truth... I promise you that I will live....mmhmm"
He didn't let me finish my words. His warm lips touched my cold lips and I felt like the entire world around me stopped.
His warm lips made my bleeding heart at peace. My entire existence felt alive like never before, just like those days when we finally became one! It was so different, different from all those kisses which I forcefully robbed from him after our differences were born in our relationship!
It was a different feeling than before when I asked him to give me a kiss by blackmailing him. Yes, I blackmailed him for everything, for kisses, for spending his time with me, for making me his priority after our so called true relationship turned into ugly truth for him!
But that was lust and jealousy but never gave me even 1 % of satisfaction but this kiss completed me! I wanted him badly to stay by my side notwithstanding anything! That time all I thought was not to let him go away from me! The only way I found good was to hold him back!
Never realized that the truth of our relationship's state was way too pure just like a white lotus! Yes, the purest of all!!!
It's worth my wait for you Xian ge!
It's worth of my journey for you Xian ge!
It's worth the effort for you Xian ge!
I don't know what will happen next but if there is god then I have only one request, that if I have done any good deed in my life please give it to me to save my Xian ge's life and make it better. Send me to hell I don't want to go to heaven just let my Xian ge live his life.
.....
Author's note :
Mama - Mother in Mandarin
Aye - Aunt
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