Suicidal thought (3)

Today I finally found out what makes me stay alive: my friends, not because they do anything in particular but because I don't want them to feel sad.

The problem is the more the time goes on, the more I think about it and the more I find they don't help me. Not because they don't want to but because they don't know and being alone, without help and without the strength to reach out for help it makes me feel resentment for them. I hate this feeling, I want him to go away, I just want to enjoy my friends but this nagging feeling keeps coming back.

I'm afraid that in several month or weeks nothing will keep me from suicide because I thought a lot about it and it doesn't scare me anymore, I know how and when to do it and strangely knowing this sooth my heart and make me calm.

I don't know if this is normal but it is what it is. I already wrote a letter to every real friend I have, I am selling my furnitures and I am moving out of my apartment, this way there will be no problem for other when I go.

Edit: I know that I'm going to live alone, nobody wants me, I won't live any romance, I'll forever be the friends that is not the best friend, I will be the one that tinker back in shape the heart of everyone without anyone caring for me more than you'll do for a "friend".

I'll continue until I can't anymore, I'll persevere doing things nobody will ever do for me because I'm part of those that know what it feels like to not have this person around you.

I'll do it because I want to feel useful, I'm not essential in anybody's life and will never be, but I just want to make a difference.

I want to feel alive, the problem is that I am not able to, I tried but didn't succeed, the only way I found is through others, and the other won't always be there, I don't know how much time I have left. I told earlier that I know when I'm going to die, in fact now I only know how but not when.

I don't know if it's a progress you know, I don't know when, I have removed the day but it means two things :

-I can go anytime, I don't have any stability.

-I finally, totally accepted this truth, I won't come back on my decision.

I can't say that til this time I'll live my life at its fullest because I don't know how