Death

Earlier I had an impulse to go forward, to try and gamble everything, but now I feel like I just want to die.

My mood swing didn't appear out of nowhere, it happened as I was with my friends. They didn't do anything against me, not today not before, they always treat me like a really good friend, always trying to make me feel as a part of the group, inviting me, sending me message to see how I do but for a reason I feel like I drift more and more apart, away from them, alone. I love them, in fact a girl in particular.

I think I love her, or at least I'm emotionally attached to her, I want to confess, to say what I feel but some times ago she clearly told me that she doesn't consider any friend as a potential interest. I feel more and more alone each time I see her.

Isn't it interesting, how love can make you feel alone. Anyone who experienced this situation can attest that love is the worst feeling, you want to rip it apart throw it away and begin to appreciate again your relationship, but it won't go away, it will poison you, slowly, more and more, until you can't take it anymore.

I don't know what happen when you can't take it, I think it's everything (different from one person to another) and in my case I think it will be suicide again.

I think that death is a better outcome because the only way out is by finding someone who can love me and that I'll love too, someone that can make me forget my current crush, that make me realize how my situation is toxic and how another girl can make me feel this way. The problem is I cannot do it, it's over my capacity. So I think I'm back to square 1.

Well at least I'm alive, I tried to kill myself recently, 2 times, but still alive and kicking.