Chapter 4

As soon as Kehlani leaves my room I get up from the floor and leave my room for dinner downstairs. I do not want to spend the rest of my not-so-great day in my room alone thinking about how stupid I was to ask a boy out. Whoever said it's the 21st century and we can do what we want - I would love to sue you. As I walk down the stairs I realise that my dad seems to be tired today - the hotel he works at was too busy for him to prepare dinner for us today and no else volunteered to cook so we are having pizza for dinner and we never have takeaways at home. Guess I'm not the only one to have a hectic day.

The dinner table feels like good 'ol kindergarten nap time and everyone seems to want to use their plates as pillows. "Maybe family time should be cancelled today." My mom says yawning usually she would give anything to sit with us and Jody who's eyes are practically shut would usually give anything to tell us about her great involvement into changing the lives of the poor (suck up) and with that everyone goes along their own way saying their goodnights and I head upstairs again to my chemistry books before I could even open my notes I receive a text from Megan asking how I am and that she misses me.

*Hey I'm good I miss you too; how are you?* I should study but I have a feeling that this conversation will not last long.

*good, how's your love life?*

Oh. Okay. So that's why she misses me to remind me of my nonexistent love life you would swear she knows about Nick. She always does this - asking me about my love interests when she knows my stance on them. I always let her get away with it because she's always cared about me and I would like to believe that this curiosity does not come from a bad place.

*haha it's nonexistent* I responded nonchalantly.

*Mine is good* Of course it is. I'm not sure how I feel about this information. To feel bad that I did not show interest into asking about her life or to feel annoyed that she has this tendency to ask me about the details of my life only to tell me about hers. It feels condescending.

*My boyfriend and I are going strong after five months* See...

*Oh I'm happy for you. I want to go back to my books now. I was busy with Chemistry before you texted. Congratulations.*

So that's what my life is about people noticing that I'm single? That's where the whole thing with Nick comes from. People kept asking if I was even into guys since I was never really dating one and when they found out about Nick and I's friendship I had to do something to prove to people that I was likable.

*I miss you * just as I was about to study. I have not even put my phone down for two minutes after texting Megan and now Nick's text pops up. I decide to not respond. He must think that I am some kind of a fool for sending that nonsense he just sent.

*I'm sorry I care about you but you caught me off guard*

*I'm sorry too.* I text him.

But why am I sorry? Am I sorry for feeling something, or for embarrassing myself and to who? Nick or myself? I just realised that I am not really smart and I'm not happy about it. I have questions as to why he does not like me. Is it my personality that he does not like, my face, am I not sexy enough like other girls? What is it exactly?

*Ice cream?* Maybe if I act like it did not happen I'll feel better and we can both forget the event a whole sooner. Besides Nick is a cool friend. I just have to steer away from any conversation that might involve dating and what happened between us and I will be fine. I have done some things before but I have never ever embarrassed myself the way I did today.

*Yeah you'll text me the details Ash.*

I won't let my stupidity have me losing a friend. Even though I'm hurt or I think I am. I have had amazing moments with Nick and they would be worthless if I give on our friendship however I should should have been smarter. Serves me right for trying to impress people. I invested myself more than I had to. With all the time I wasted thinking I was on my way to being more than friends with Nick. I always laughed at other girls on TV and at school for feeling how I am today but I have come to realise that as human beings we are truly capable of going through great lengths in the name of fitting in or being wanted. We forget all that is common sense and fall victim to our own stupidity and that's not even the end of it. We go back again - no one ever learns their lesson. We keep ourselves in cycles and I truly hope that this will be the end of mine - before it even begins. I wish to share this with anyone who would be interested in listening but you could never trust highschool girls or boys for that matter. They always find a way to act like the local newspaper and let anyone know your business and even if they don't - they don't really care they are just nosy. The very people you would trust with your darkest secrets laugh behind your back about them and then call themselves your friends. This world can be very dark. It needs you to hold your own even when you feel burdened by everything happening around you. I'd like to think that it is better to be alone rather than be surrounded by multitudes and be lonely.