Chapter 12

My chest feels heavy and I'm feel like a million needles are being stuck into it. Every breath seems to be getting more and more distant and difficult to grasp. It took me a few minutes to realise that I'm having a panic attack. A panic attack. It feels like I'm dying and this fear adding onto the problem at hand. Even my eyesight is blurring out.

I do not know how or when but I suddenly have a paper bag in my hand and breathing into into. There are bottles of water, I think and I also think I can feel a hand on my back rubbing as lovingly as possible to give me a sense of strength and comfort.

"Breath." I think I hear someone say. Despite the situation at hand I have a horrible urge to tell them that I am trying to.

What if I struggle to breathe so much that I will actually die? Can I at least just pass out? I know that I'll wake up again. If I am to die will I go to Heaven? Or will end up on the opposite end of the beautiful destination? This whole thought is freaking me out. I feel the need to try and keep myself alive,but how? I am a mere human being. I cannot keep myself out of high school drama and here I am thinking that I can actually try to keep myself alive.

I am afraid of facing all that have done on this earth on the other side of life. It is at this moment that I feel unsure of what I am to do. I want to ask the Lord to keep me alive, sadly it may really be because I am trying to 'run' away from my sins.

I am selfish enough to ask the Lord for help at this moment but when I am healthy again I know I'll be back to myself.

Sometimes I have these moments where my soul feels it misses the Lord. I guess this is when I subconsciously realise that I am grieving the Holy spirit. I have these moments when I want to praise Him. I know it's not in truth because I try to do it on my terms. I spend so much time on things that do not benefits my life and I forget about my Lord.

I am thinking about Him at this moment. I am trying to ask him to have mercy on me. I am even trying to promise Him that I'll change. I just need a chance to a longer life and I'll change.

But the Lord is not a genie - I thought. I cannot snap my finger at him and expect Him to do whatever I want. I cannot possibly think it is wise to love Him and live for Him on my terms. I am always complaining about how people use me and then discard me.

I realised that I just did the same. I do it all the time. It's not fair. It never was and never will be. You should never play with the chances that the Lord grants you in your life. Is it too late for me to change this?

***

I missed the rest of the school week. Doctor Peters thought it would be best if I rested more and stayed in a somewhat controlled environment to prevent triggering another panic attack. My mom was and still isn't happy about me staying at home. She made sure that I understood that for the rest of the week. I see the multiple questions in her eyes. I have mine too : whether or not she identified the boys we met at Topshop. Whether or not the drama will be over and some, well I cannot even form some in my head. I want to but I am also afraid of doing so.

It's a Monday again and I honestly feel exhausted; truth be told more emotionally than physically really. This was not how last last year in high school was supposed to go. I can already see the stares, and hear snickers.

Fun fact ;I went to church yesterday. I sort of made a promise when I thought I was dying. I promised to change and become a better person. I figured that going to church would be the first step into leading a better life. I thought that getting motivation, encouragement and advice from other believers would help me.

When you've done a lot of bad things, you feel as though that is being said in church everything being said is aimed at you. Except that it's not. It's only your guilt trying to defend itself. I feel too tired to go onto the Ridgewood high roller-coaster but my spirit feels a lot lighter since yesterday. Owning up to your mistakes before the Lord does wonders for your spirit.

You might be thinking that I have not done a lot but I realised that I got myself into this thorny place. Sometimes it's the little things that can ruin a person's life. The sorority, the lies and loving all that is this world and forgetting about the Lord are huge mistakes that I made. I intend on fixing them and becoming better and stop living for myself but for The One who gave me life.